So many things to talk about and i have not a single thing to say. People dying, floods, political turmoil, incompetent leaders, poor education system, flawed humans, the closeness of kiamat, gays, lesbians, Britney, crimes.............
Just so many things to have opinions on, and all i can think about at the moment is I'm hungry and bored out of my mind.
And I'm too lazy to do anything. Even blog.
uugh, the kobis thing is happening again. it happened in 2002, 2003, it happened in 1998. Its when you just get stuck doing meaningless things again and again, and your brain just stops working and your will just gives up to pursue anything. It is a very weak state to be in and you find yourself latching on somebody else, anyone you can grab, to help you stabilize or hoping they bring you along with them to a happier state of being. But you know that you have to do it yourself, you have to snap out of it and get it rolling again. You want to but you cant seem to be able to.
I know exactly the things that I'm supposed to do. I know what are the right things to do. But I don't want to.
Mature, responsible adults. We have choices and decisions to make. Every bit of time, for every bit of reason, for everyone and everything, we have to make choices. We never know if its the right decision. We try our best and hope its the right one. The rest, we have to leave it up to God whether he wants to make it happen or not or happen in a different way, whatever. Or if its a mistake for you, a bad choice, you are supposed to 1)be angry and upset for a while 2)Cool off and believe that it all happens for a reason 3)Accept it as fate and that its actually good that it happened somehow 4)Move on to the next decision you have to make and hopes it gets better this time.
What happens if you decide to not choose? That is also a choice. I choose not to decide, I choose not to make a decision, I choose not to choose. Time still revolves however, and though you may think that you got away from making that choice, the choice you made not to choose still counts as a choice, albeit a bad one, and then you have to bear the consequences.
Yes, consequences, reciprocations, another part of the adult human cycle. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Factor against time, you pretty much get how the whole system works. But just because you know how the system works, doesn't mean you know how to work the system.
Ahah! you have to remember, that the system does not only revolve around you. It involves everyone and everything, human, non human, gay, straight, solid, non solid, living, non living.... taking into count that every single one of those factors also have differing factors of their own that influences their decisions and their behaviour and actions. haha, therefore, we're all in this big jumbo web of mess and we're screwed anyway.
Here's an example. Sort of.
I'm hungry. Choices a)cook b)buy c)hunting. I choose not do anything because I'm just too lazy. I choose nothing. Which still counts as a choice, which will make my mum very mad usually because a responsible daughter would have food ready for the whole family, which because my sister nani aka favourite daughter is back frm france, which makes my mum happy happy cheery joy joy, so she didn't get mad, instead bapak brought us all out for dinner and shopping, where my mum bought me a MAC foundation, which was recommended by this guy who works at the counter named Fawzy which i later found out through Yahoo Answers is the wrong kind of foundation, which makes my skin oily, which also costs rm115, which is not returnable because i used it once (well, how was i to know its really wrong for me unless i try it?), which makes me pissed, which makes me clean the house, which i can't stop....
okay, that' not a good example, here's another one...
Taman Melawati,1999, after SPM, my Dad wont let me work, instead i stayed home and clean the house and do the laundry, which makes me open the balcony door to pick up the clothes, then i couldn't close it back because my hands were full, which enabled this lunatic to enter the house who hit me on my head many times with a helmet, which caused me to be hospitalised with fractured skull, which freaked the hell out of my parents, who decided we had to move to Rawang pronto, which made us live in this hell hole, which made my elder sister leave her kids here, which drives my parents mad, which drives the rest of us insane because nobody lives here, non of any of our friends live anywhere near here, which menyusahkan all of us to stay in touch with the rest of the world, plus the people here sucks, we can die of boredom and loathsome because we all become cabbages because the mentality of the people here are just, well, stupid, and the schools here are not great like SRK Subang Jaya 1 under Mr G. Jeyahrahman (he is a great man i'll write about him next) which makes my nephews and niece not get a good education and they grow up to think like the rest of Rawang people who just love to make everything so 'chekai' and dont seem to want to better themselves, and we're stuck in this rut till God knows when coz my parents are old.......... "Rawangnization" - the process of which you become stupid and do stupid things. You become stupid, bored and lazy.
I don't exactly know how to explain what all of this has got to do about choices that we make...
But if I had decided to work after SPM, a lot things would have been different for me, for all of us. And that day which I got assaulted which made us all wind up here i Rawang...had it not happen, the bad things happening to all of us since we stayed here probably wouldn't have happened maybe? By bad things, i mean serious stuff that affects all of us, which i cant mention here because it involves a lot of family stuff.
A lot of problems my family is facing right now has to do with the fact that we live in Rawang. But i must believe that everything has a reason. God has a way of doing things. Bad things happening to some people, enable good things to happen to others.
A boy plays with a ball. It rolls onto the road, the boy chases after it, a car swerves to avoid him and hits another car. The driver dies in the collision. One dies, so the other can live. They are total strangers with absolutely nothing in common. But one moment of fate, of choice, choose to run after the ball, choose to swerve, resulted in an outcome which greatly affect not just them, but many others. The driver's family. The other car. The boy. The passerby who witnessed it.
We are all connected to one another whether we know it or not. Every choice we make or don't make affects the way the world works. So remember this, try to make good choices, and the rest.... just believe.
irin2: okay i guess. with a tad bit of sadness hanging in the background.
irin1: Where have you been? You havent posted anything for some time...
irin2: I've been on a journey and my writings have become too personal to be shared here.
irin1: Hardly any1 reads the stuff you write...
irin2: Still, i've been angry and you say stuff you dont mean when ur angry. Putting it on the net just adds fuel to fire. And there are the conversations with God that i'd rather not share with others. yeah i do sensor myself..
irin1: you mentioned a journey, what journey were you on?
irin2: asking questions about a lot of things, coming to conclusions and making decisions .... y'know, life stuff..
irin1: sounds heavy
irin2: Well yeah, its kinda personal.
irin1: ape sbenarnye yang kau nak cakap kat sini? Aku ingat kau ada banyak benda nk ckp, i'm still nt seeing any points...
irin2: Entahla, aku rase I'm nt good at this anymore..
i like looking at other people's pictures. Sometimes i wish it was me in those pics. having those happy memories. this fetish further fed by friendster enabling me a glimpse into other's experiences. Some of them I know, some i used to know, some i thought i knew, some i wish i had known.
pictures tell of places and time. experiences. people. friends. family. love.
pictures tell of what others have. And i have not.
invisible as always.
never a matter of importance to anyone.
the people whom i thought are most important, most special to me, have other people more important and special to them.
it feels strange. never belonging to anyone or anywhere or anyplace.
a meaningless soul wandering slowly through time. never fitting in.
the awkward shape that juts out of place.
What does it feel like, to be a part of something? a real part of something?
not just a fleeting piece. but one that actually sticks and crumble alike.
In a sea of people, how can i feel so alone?
I surrender my all to you God. I am yours. And yours only. Please have a place for me near you, though i may not deserve it. You are my creator and to you i return and hope i belong. I'm sorry i can't fit in this world. I honestly do not know how. They speak a different language, they dance to a different beat, they see and feel in ways that are alien to me.
i just want to be normal. like the rest of them, in those pictures that i like to see.
After Subuh (dawn) sky is beautiful. The dark blue of yesterday meeting against the bright orange light of today giving you a colour combination so contrast yet so harmony. A blend only God would be able to pull off.
The smell of the ocean beckons me. The soft cooling wind exchanging the heat from inside my wooden house. I step down the white steps and my feet touched the soft white sand. Feels like damp flour. I walk along the beach where the ocean was yesterday. The feeling of cold wet sand underneath my feet waking up my senses.
I breath in and took in my moment. I look back at my house. Just a while, I thought. I’ll be back to make breakfast for my sayangs. Thank you God.
I want to disappear to my beach house on the island, go swim in the clear blue ocean, swim with the fishes. Lie on the hammock, lie on the beach and watch the full moon rising. Read a book on the patio, dance underneath the moonlight on the verandah. Fall asleep in the arms of my loved one on the swing on the front porch. Dipping our feet into the water at the end of the boardwalk during sunset, morning walk by the beach on the wet sand watching the sun rise. Lying down by the beach, looking at the stars and the full moon. Feeling the ocean breeze on my face and in my hair. Seeing the flames crackle and pop in the bonfire at night. Midnight swim. Snorkeling at the corals. Drawing, painting and writing by the window facing the sea. Teaching art and design to young children. Midnight walks and listening to the waves. Cooking in the kitchen with norah jones playing in the background. Reading harry potter with my kids and kiss them goodnight. Go sailing with my husband. Have a romantic dinner on the deck of our boat. Snuggle up to my husband by the beach. Go diving with the family. Barbecue seafood by the seashore. Fresh flowers gives out lovely smell. Family picnics under the coconut trees. Making sandcastles in the evenings.
Hi, how’re you settling in there? I hope you’re fine. Nah, I know you’ll be just fine. You’ll blow them away with your coolness, those thin smoking lesbian frenchies!! (They do play good football and rugby though).
Is 3 years a long time? Well it depends on how you spend it. These are my suggestions on how you could do just that:
1) Have frequent webcam chats and calls wit ur family. Especially ur sister, (the cuter and nicer one you love more than the other one, hehe). 2) Do that thing Tom Hanks did in Da Vinci Code and walk on that Rose Line whatever and pretend. Why? Because I think it’d be cool. 3) Take plenty of pictures of anything interesting and quirky and mail it to your sister so she could plagiarize it in her designs. 4) Do your best in whatever it is you’re there for. YOUR best tau, not anyone else’s. 5) Keep urself healthy, body, mind and spirit. 6) Get help if you need it. 7) Tell me when your holiday starts, so I can plan my wedding. 8) Always have God in your heart, love him and he’ll love you. 9) Be nice to people. You’re a Malaysian ambassador, wooohoooo!!!! 10) Have fun and enrich your experience in Legal ways.
And here are the things you are not to do in those 3 years:-
1) Get married and pregnant. (hey, leave that to me will ya?) 2) Wild partying, flashing your boobs and random unsafe sex. 3) Recording acts no. 2 and broadcasting it on Youtube. 4) Drinking drinks that make you do 1,2 and 3. 5) Taking drugs that make you do 1,2,3 and 4. 6) Be like a thin, smoking lesbian frenchie. 7) Gambling everything away to do all of the above.
Well monyet sayang, as much as I’m gonna miss you around here ( I can’t go to pasar malam for the next 3 years, tsk,tsk!), I’m glad and happy you’re there to “jadi orang”. Be good or rather, make good choices. Weeeheeee!!!! Nanti balik sini balik k? kite gi ISLAND HOPPING!!!!!! I got money by then and you’re old enough, waaaahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! Take care!!!!! Muah muah muah!!!!!
Nani has just left for France. For three years. 3 looooooong years. Uhuk uhuk.
Enol’s got a job and getting married next April.
Ina’s getting married end of this year.
Gee and Faz had their first baby.
Pie and Kak Ija got new, higher paying jobs.
Irah has a career and a baby.
Nymph is gone.
I’m still here.
Seems like everyone has moved on or moved ahead.
I’m still here. No job. No money. No one to cuddle with. I don’t even have a car.
Feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everything else around me is moving at the speed of light.
I try so hard to hold on to them, all I grasp are shreds of nothing.
I can see everyone and everything just slip away, I feel the changes, the loss. When a smile is no longer as warm and inviting. When a hug is not as tight as it used to be. When the eye loses the twinkle and the voice loses its song. When you suddenly realize you can’t relate to whatever the other person is saying. Then I know, it is time.
Where am I now? How come I haven’t moved? Why am I still here? What the fish am I doing here? Where is here?
If my physical appearance doesn’t advance, I’m okayla. But everything is sagging and melting in places I didn’t even knew existed. Yeah, that’s where I’m moving, downwards and all around the tummy area. Guess gravity can’t fight time.
Time actually stopped for me and it let me watch everybody pass by in a colourful blur.
Where art thou, God? Where can I find you? I need a teacher I cant find you by myself How is it, that ‘being good’ comes easy to some people? Do they not yearn for the forbidden? I do Very much so How is it that they like doing ‘what is told’ ? I don’t really have any strong feelings for it More often than not, I’m too lazy to do it Why is it, that my heart only longs for the ‘wrong’ and not the ‘right’? Am I evil? I envy the good It must feel beautiful to be loved by God I want to be like them They always seem so happy But I cant seem to do what they do, doing good I mean Praying 5 times a day, fasting from worldly needs How do they do that with such ease? It is the hardest thing for me I know that I will die, yet too much of the world doth I love I long for the heavens, yet I do nothing to deserve a place there I’m sorry Raqib for letting you down And Atid, I gave so much to write about, haven’t I? I’m sorry God I don’t understand what I say in prayers I look up the meaning But I never seem to remember I don’t understand your verses I don’t know what you’re saying I cant read it well Its in a foreign language I am not familiar with Get a teacher, you say What teacher can handle all these questions of mine without condemning me of blasphemy? I have so much to ask you Where am I with you? Do you love me? Can you love me as much as you do the ‘good' people? I tried not to be bad Why is it that all I want is to do the ‘bad’ stuff? How come I never want to do the the ‘good stuff’? Stuff you told us to do? Stuff we have to do to go to heaven? I want to go to heaven It is happy there, right? It’s a beautiful place I am not happy here Everything here makes me sad Except your ocean, and your fish, your flowers, and the wind, and the moon They are the most beautiful things here I don’t like people They are hurtful, some of them, most of them They do all sorts of things, we I mean They destroy the only beauty there is that you left for us here I don’t know how to be around them Yet I cannot live without them What is heaven like? Would you let me go there? I don’t deserve to go there, do I? They did what they were told, and more They lived so bravely And they are so strong They love you so much They gave up everything else. They gave up the world I love you too Why cant I be like them? Nothing I do will ever be good enough For anyone Please forgive me for my rantings There are more people out there who are unfortunate and need you I’m just a raving lunatic Who is sad for no reason Who isn’t grateful And selfish All I want is to be happy really. I want you to love me And I want to go to heaven that is all Please forgive me, Allah subhana wata’ala.
Would I rather be brainy or beautiful? Truth is, I’d rather be loved.
What would youI think about to produce a Patronus charm? To do a Patronus charm, you have to think of the happiest thoughts you can think of. The Patronus charm works against dark magic, one of it which is to repel Dementors who’s main purpose is to suck all the happiness out of you.
I was thinking about this and I remembered, the happiest moment in my life.
I had just watched the sun rise. From the end of the wooden jetty, I dipped in my toes in the warm waters of Redang. I slipped down and immersed myself in the clear sparkling turquoise sea. After a moment of bubbles spraying around my body, I opened my eyes. It didn’t sting, the water wasn’t really salty. I walked slowly in the quiet stillness underwater, leaving a trail of sandy mist under my feet. I could see far beyond. There was no one else there. Except the fishes. There’s so many of them. All swimming around me in rhythm. The school of small ‘ikan bilis’ swam in a blur, a wave of my hand broke them up, then they joined back together again. I feel them swirl all around me but no matter where I turned, I could never touch them. I stood still and watched. There was no sound, but it was the most beautiful music I have ever heard.
It may seem selfish that my happiest moment didn’t involve any other person. I’m being completely honest here. Maybe, if there was any other person, I would feel compelled to ‘be’ a certain way. In the end, we are all alone anyway.
Why was that moment happy for me? In that solitude, I felt peace. Peace beyond any peace I have ever experienced. In that fleeting moment I was overjoyed but sad at the same time. I felt complete yet parted. I felt greatness yet I felt small. I felt free. I felt loved.
If you eat banana leaf rice, the curry smell wont come off your hands for days. But its worth every bit of rice and papadam. To people who have doubt that Malaysian of different races and backgrounds can live in harmony, they must surely have never been to Sri Paandi PJ or any other daun pisang establishment. Its the epitome of Muhibbah. We Malaysians can surely tolerate each other, as long as we keep feeding each other good food.
I've a penchant for Indian food. Must be all those years I spent at Visithra's house when I lived in SS 12 Subang Jaya. After school, Aunty Bus (our school bus driver is a Chinese woman) sends us home amidst shouting at us for putting our hands out the window and throwing trash. Everybody did it back then. Since I'm alone, most of the time I go next door to Visithra's. Aunty Lingham makes lovely chappati and uuumph curry. Mmm yummy... served in the stainless steel wares that make the ice water sooo sedap. Aiyoh, papadam rocks!! then after that we'd watch movies about Hindu gods or maybe a Disney cartoon.
Those hot lovely golden vadai can make me as happy as chocolates can. Thank God I live in Rawang.
1) Perhentian Kechil Holiday, Mohsin Chalet. 2) UiTM Masters Registration 3) Stupid girls who send "sweet messages" to your boyfriend. FUCK YOU!!! 4) Your boyfriend who think its "sweet". 5) ME. Who still thinks we can work this out. 6) People who think they can make better decisions for your life. 7) People who should pay for things and get mad when they have to. 8) People who bring their bf home to their room to spend the night. 9) Being a jobless unmarried muslim woman in Malaysia at 26 years old. 10) Suddenly every1 around you confesses they dont like who you're with.
FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK EVERYTHING. I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!
1. Are you a child of the 70s, 80s, or 90s? 80s definitely. Era of Michael Jackson and Madonna.
2. Where were you born? Sibu, Sarawak
3. What city did you grow up in? Partly Sibu wit my nenek, Subang Jaya, Seremban, Tmn Melawati, Shah Alam....
4. Did you enjoy your childhood? actually no. I thot it was horrible. Life's better now.
5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Madonna.
6. What do you want to be now? beach bum wit lotsa money who happens to do art and design.
7. Were you a fun little kid? nope, don't think so. sulked and mengamuk a lot.
8. What was your first best friend's name? didnt hve one particular person. Visithra while at home, Haslia and Ariffah at school and during playing getah, Stella in the bus, Che Lim and Bernie for rekorder playing and sharing thoughts, Joanne for book sharing and dissing 'assorted nuts' hahaa, Khairiah, Tesya, suria... i hve good memories of her.Malcolm during holidays. Shafik Afendi was my big crush.... and my current boyfriend... YAY!!!!!!!
9. Is he/she still your friend? Some of them are on my friendster, bt thats as far as it goes. I realy miss them though.... sigh....
10. Can you name all the schools you ever attended? Tadika Eden, SRK Subang Jaya, SR Taman Melawati, Tunku Kursiah College, Art and Design UiTM.
11. Were you closer to your mom or dad as a kid? neither, pretty much by myself as a kid. Now I'm anak bapak, hehe
12. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying? tape soundtrack beauty and beast which I latter dubbed (record la in cassete speak)and sold at school.
13. How old is a good age to have kids? wished I cud hve the lorelai and rory relationship bt dat s too late now. Mum had me at 19. I'm 26 and unmarried so I'd be glad to have any kids. Actually hve got 3 kids at home already aiyaaa... so pening man...
14. Are you scared of anything? dirty toilets, being unhappy, alone, hungry and being stupid and ignorant. my loved ones dying.
15. What was your favorite subject in elementary school? english. yay yay, got to sit beside Shafik, hahaa...
16. Did you buy school lunch or bring your own? 50 sen cud buy you a nasi lemak and ice cream sarsi with 5 sen change man!!!
17. Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid? my mum held me by my legs and hung me upside down from the 2nd floor stairs. She slso stripped me naked and locked me outside the balcony.
18. Were you a mean kid? A bit. my mom got called to school once cos I threw an ink bottle at Haslia's head. It missed luckily. Punched a girl once. And hantukkan these two girls head cos they were whispering.
19. Favorite board game of all time? I only played chess and scrabble. Battleship was good when Malcolm brought it over to play.
20.did you play house or pretend to be a super hero? Used my mak's terompah to tumbuk the leaves around the house for masak2. Played a lot of imaginary games with Visithra cos I didn't have toys. Cudnt beat Haslia at batu seremban, getah and chup tiang at school
21. Seriously, are you still just a kid at heart? No. Old and jaded.
I dream of a marriage that would save me. Truth is, there’s no such thing. My mind’s so messed up that any other person can’t do anything to help me. I dream that everything will be fine when I get married. I mean. You can have sex then, right? It’s suppose to relieve some stress and balance your hormone or something?
I keep on thinking, how much longer do I have to wait till that moment of happiness. I’ll be brain dead by then. But really, it’s hoping for too much aint it? Marriages are not like that. You don’t expect your partner to save you, right? No one can save you from yourself. If that person can’t handle you now, he probably won’t later.
I dream that it will all be okay if I get married. I won’t be so, so … screwed up. Maybe I’ll finally be happy. I thought maybe he’ll have the solutions to all these problems. He’ll have the answers and help me through this shit.
But that’s not what its like at all. You don’t go into a marriage hoping to dump your shit on someone else.
He can’t help. He won’t. He wouldn’t know how to.
But why can’t it be like that? Why can’t he make it all better?
Coz only I can make it better. I have to be happy with what I have and not what I don’t. I’m not happy because I’m not thankful with all the blessings He has given me.
Why am I so logic? Sometimes I wish I’m not. I wish I could just be angry at everything and not have myself answering my own questions.
Because I’m smart. That’s why. When you’re smart. You know too much, you think too much. If you’re not so smart, not so many things bother you. That’s why all those bimbos can afford to smile and be happy all the time. There’s not that many things that they have to think about that can bother them and mess their head or hair. I think of too many things and it messes my system. And when my systems in turmoil, so does my look, making me ugly to look at (serabut) which then makes me stressed out even more coz people don’t like to look or interact with ugly people (people who are serabut). Which makes everything else go wrong and no one will help coz you’re scaring them away.
Still hoping for that fairy godmother. That knight in shining armour. To save me and make everything beautiful and alright.
That is not how it is. Reality bites. Truth sucks!
You’ll get married. You’ll finally get to have sex. Then you’ll think its really not what its hyped up to be. Its probably boring even. You will have breakdowns hoping your husband will understand and support you. But he wont. He will ignore your ‘breakdowns’ because its sooo common and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he does nothing. He might get tired of it and wished for the happier person you were before. Then he’ll meet someone who’s not so screwed, maybe a bimbo who’s smiling and laughing and has no problems with the world. He’ll decide that the girl is less stressfull and more beautiful anyway. Something like how his wife was before he got married to her. Not realizing that the girlfriend would also be like the wife later on.
You hope to turn to your friends, who by now have their own families and problems and wonder why YOU still cant get over yours. She will probably think, “Besides, we haven’t seen each other so long because you were so busy with your boyfriend you didn’t have time to lepak together and I don’t really want to hear her talk about her problems, I’d rather talk about mine. She deserves whatever happened to her anyway.”
You’ll get depressed which makes you ugly which makes people hate you. Then you realize the only thing you have control over is the house, therefore you clean it, rearrange it, make it nice. It’s the only thing that helps you deal with everything else that’s out of your control. Then there’s you, yourself. It’s like a drug. A temporary high. The short bursts of pleasure that makes you forget everything for a fleeting while. For a short moment, you forget all your troubles. Until it comes crashing down again and you hate yourself for it.
Oh, and you’ll have kids. They are a nightmare but you’ll love them beyond anything. You try and warn them about the evil world, but they’ll never listen to you. (Then you’ll finally understand why your parents were the way they were with you and forgive them.) And (the children) they’ll do the same mistakes you did or maybe even worse. They will hate you for being right but somehow they still love you in a weird resentment kind of way. And they will leave. Then they return, ask for money. Then they leave. Then they return. Then YOU’ll leave.
The place he hates most is the safest place for him. The Dursley’s are his worst nightmare. They abuse him mentally, physically and spiritually. He is undernourished with no company. He has no one there who cares for him. He hates Dumbledore for making him stay there and he doesn’t understand why he has to stay. But that is the only place where he is safe from his worst enemy Voldemort. There, Voldemort can’t get him. Voldemort can’t kill him if he is in the Dursley’s house.
I just realized how much I’m like Harry. I hate it here in this house. No one here cares. There is no proper food. I’m alone in my room most of the time crying, writing, and sleeping. At least he has Hedwig. I don’t even have a means of telecommunication. My phone is broken and there’s no internet whatsoever. I can go crazy by myself here. And Carmen is bad company. But I’m safe here. There’s a reason why God put me here in this house in Shah Alam. I asked to be saved many times before from this hell. Truth is, I am saved, and that’s why I’m here. I’m safe here where the only thing to hurt me is myself. If I were somewhere else, I’d be worse. I’d be a whore. A slut. A bohsia. If I were somewhere else, I would be that person who is an alcoholic, is promiscuous and doing drugs. I’d probably be sleeping in drains and sidewalks. I’d be the one who threw her newborn baby in the trash. Sell my body for cash. All the evils are Voldemort. And it could kill me. Because I would do those things.
Harry and Voldemort are alike in many ways. What differentiates them are their choices.
I am saved because none of my friends ever invited me to do vice. Even if sometimes I do wish I could try some, a bit. But I have never had any access to any of it. The only guy I ever known who is the only person to be my boyfriend is Shafik. If it wasn’t him, I’d be banged up and pregnant now. I have no other guys who could be my boyfriend. I rarely meet people and none of them even came close to being anything near to a boyfriend. I don’t smoke, drink or have sex. Not really because I don’t want to. I’ve never had a chance to make a choice even. I am protected without me really knowing it. Given the chance, I would try it. Dumbledore knows that.
The only other place where Dumbledore trusts Harry to be safe is the Weasleys. Enol’s family is the Weasley’s to me. It is a sanctuary and haven for me. And where I eat proper food. And Enol is Ron. Enough said. But of course, I can’t stay there.
Then there is school. For Harry its Hogwarts, for me it’s UiTM. I love being in school. Harry learns magic. My magic is called Art and Design. Which is something I do and love. I may not be the best student but this is where I belong. And there are friends. Nadiah is Hermione, she helps me with my homework. So is Rozarina, she gets me out of trouble and she’s the one with brilliant ideas. The others from Gryffindor. There’s Muzamir, Shahnim, Sarvi, Maryam, Azhar, Muhammad, Effa and many many more which makes the experience worthwhile. And the lecturers are really great. Dr Kamy. En Ramli, En Omar, En Sharkawi, Mr Ronaldi, Prof Tamyez, Babe……. Fortunately there isn’t a Snape, haha.
I hate it here but I’m safe here. I’ve had attacks from Dementors (org jahat masuk rumah) trying to hurt me but I survived it. This is not a good condition for me but elsewhere it’d be worse.
If Harry has Sirius Black, Pie is my Sirius. She’s the one with the wisdom because she’s out there living it. She faced a lot of evils and challenges before. She’s the strong one with a lot of experience which makes her more mature than me in many ways. Which also makes me a baggage to her somehow? And someday, Harry will lose Sirius. Though I hope that would never happen but things do change. Gee is Lupin.
My point of the story is, although I hate it here, this is the one place that I am safe. Safe from being someone else I could’ve been if I’m not here. I didn’t get it before, now I do. Why am I alone? Ultimately we are all alone in this world. God put me here for a reason. He is protecting me. But one day, I will have to face Voldemort. And I hope by then, I am strong enough to make the right choices.
P/s: if none of this makes sense to you, I suggest you pick up the book and read it. It’s more than just a story, it’s life. Thank you JK Rowling.
1)I have to figure out how to set up an online resource on Malaysian Art & Design for the Faculty of Art & Design UiTM.
What are the contents? How and where to get them? What do I need to know to make one? Who are the people I need, where can I find them? Will they be cooperative? How long? How much money?
2)I have to set up a business.
Which kind? Tshirt? Stationeries? Boxes? Design firm? Keropok Lekor? How and where do I get the materials? How much money? Who are the people who will want to do this with me? Will they be good?
Instead, all I really want is to
1)Dance 2)Travel 3)Be Beautiful 4)Snog my hubby 5)Eat , sleep and play
And I’m so so torn up inside because
1)I want to go to heaven 2)I have to make money coz I may have to take care of the 3 children (my niece and nephews) and put them through school and make sure they grow up being humans. 3)I don’t know who I’ll be married to and when and if he will be supportive enough with everything I have to do. Will he be my partner and help me through this? Or he’ll be too busy chasing his own dreams and wanting his own thang? Coz then I have to support himla. This is a long term commitment we’re talking about. 4)I don’t know how to do all this, I really don’t have any idea!!!! 5)Am I supposed to do this all by myself?? I need help!!!! Who will???
Nymph, Just thought of you and what we used to share, Its all in the past now Now we’ve gone our separate ways You were a big part of me then Didn’t know why it all had to end We were crazy you and me The paths our minds took Was an adventure in itself A journey that went beyond anything We understood each other More than anyone else could I guess that’s why it had to end Something so beautiful, to last, was never meant Where else were we to go? It was never right Maybe it was me You knew it all along That I would come to love you More that I should have Thus where are we now? Of course it’ll never be the same You and me If we ever meet again We would know our smile meant something else Funny how it was We would have too much to talk about There wasn’t enough time Now we’re like strangers With awkward smiles And duck hugs With nothing to say to each other You, scared I’ll be that possessive person I was with you Me, scared that you’re scared of me If only I could tell you, I was a kid back then Thirsty for love Any kind of love It didn’t matter I loved you too much I know Something so beautiful It only deserves to die. You go on now, Scaling the skies, catching the stars, You were meant for bigger things, Be happy with that smile, that laugh I remember so well,, I’m happy for you Just hoping maybe one day You wont fear me anymore I now understand things I didn’t back then Maybe one day we’ll meet each other And the smile will be the one of yesteryear With twinkles in the eye and wrinkles at the corner of our mouths And we’ll talk about things past It would all be of beautiful things And maybe we could take that journey again The one where our minds travel far and wide But this time, I promise you, I will never fall in love with you again.
Put them in boxes. Put everything in boxes. Clean up. Arrange. Throw that away. Move that here. Move this thing there. Do you need this? Throw it. Lets put it here. Why the hell would you need this? You don’t need this now, you wont be needing it in the future. AAAAArgh!!! Get it out! Get it out! Why did you keep it here? Please throw all this sampah! Box it. Rummage. Throw. Susun. By colour, by size. By species. By priority. U always use it? Put it somewhere near. Not always? Put it further. Have a sumbat box. Just be convenient for your flow. No, you don’t need that. Why is it all mixed up? See, that’s much better right? Isn’t it much easier to move now? So now you now where everything goes. Aaaah…. Don’t u just love your room?
I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to clean things, arrange things. Put them in order. Even other people’s things. Especially other people’s things. I’ve done it a couple of times, I enjoy it thoroughly and so will the owner of the room/ house. Seriously I could make your space way better to live in. Want me to makeover your space? I’ll do it for a small fee. RM50 if you’re a friend. Below 100 for standard size rooms. Negotiable. Depending on the level of mess. I even do toilets. I get them super clean. U don’t even need to buy anything new! I’ll just use anything you have. I might need transport to get to your place though. I’ve never had an unsatisfied customer before. Only girls, ladies or women with families may apply. I don’t do guys, for safety reasons. Oh, and I’m not a maid, I’m a professional. Let me Pimp Your Room!!
"You're just a lazy, self-indulgent girl who's driving herself crazy."
"Carmen, please leave me alone.Please."
Just do it, man. just start it. what the hell are u thinking of? Why are you wasting it all away? Wake up girl. Dont do this again. Dont. please dont please dont. just need to write then write it. get it out girl. I want to be okay. everythings gonna be fine. i love you. please dont do this to urself. I know u're better than this. We'll get thru this. we will. pull urself together girl ur good, u are. please beleve me. just do the thing okay. I'm with you. it will all be okay. everything will be all right. stick it. pleae get her away from me. i dont want her anymore. u can do this. i know u can. we'll get rid of her. How? she's inside me. I hate her. I hate her so much. she's ruining everything. please help me. only u can help urself. fight her. I fight her with all my heart, she fights me back even worse. I have nobody. Pls God help me. please help me. I dont want to do it anymore. I want to go away from everything and evryone. I want to go where no one knows me. I want to start all over. please, please, there's just so much wrong. writing makes me feel better. write on my love, write on. we'll get thru this.
i tried doing the work everywhere with different people in different places. just doesn't cut it. I came home. I wanted to feel the sense of family again. I'm losing myself. I think I'm okay now. Time to kick some ass!!!
Happy kavadi! 4 days of holiday. I am ultra bored to death. I prefer classes, haha. Stuck here with no one to pay attention to me. Maybe I should rent a car and drive up to a beach somewhere. Bah, I wish.
I love my advertising classes with En Omar. He’s so full of passion. At the same time it also makes me sad. Like the first time you fell in love. You’ll never forget your 1st love. My love being advertising. I went through high school, searching for my caling. I knew what I love doing, just I didn’t know what is the name of that job in that particular industry. My earliest memory on when ads started to interest me was during the Nescafe campaign, one being the one with Nasha Aziz caught in the rain. I was captured by the idea of showing al these images that gave you such a nice feeling and it was selling coffee but it wasn’t like other ads. In 1996, in form 3, my enlightenment came in the form of a brochure from One Academy and the MAS National Day Ad. The one with the 3 kids of different races during pre independence. “Now, its time we stop looking down, and start looking forward. Its time for us to fly.” I remembered those words like a line from a favourite movie. The ad was sooooo good. Later I saw it win awards at the Malaysian Video Awards MVA. And found out the people responsible for the ad, Yasmin Ahmad and Ali Muhammad from Leo Burnett. Then my art teacher Cik Lina gave me the brochure to One Academy, that was when I saw a picture of the two and also Shafri Muhammad of Bates and the whole brochure was filled with the things I knew I would love doing and in fact I thought I could do better than that. I had been combining images and words to convey ideas since way long before that. I would cut out images and words from papers and magazines to show a particular concept to motivate me in school. Usually it would cover the whole desk. Yes, everybody did it at the time. But mine was different. Conceptually, it was never straightforward. I loved coming up with ideas different from others. Saying the same thing but in different ways. I stretched my mind to think beyond that. So that was when I decided I want to be in the industry I now know as advertising..
I went to UiTM. My first advertising class was with Puan Siti Rabaah in 2nd year. I was so excited. I answered everything I could. She asked of any advertising agency we knew, I answered Leo Burnett. I absorbed like a sponge. Yes! This is it! This is what I want to learn! Later after the class, Pn Siti took me to the side and said “You are of a different wavelength than everyone else here. You’re better. Keep it up.” I was so teruja. The first assignment was to do scamps for any product, I did Oreo. It got special mention in the class. I was having fun doing all the assignments and Babe (now we call her Babe) was a really good lecturer. It definitely was my favourite subject and I discovered a new love in copywriting as well. That was until ….. a lot of things happened after, that made me gave up on that dream. So I focused on design instead, as a creative outlet. It didn’t give me the same satisfaction because brainstorming isn’t what its supposed to be in design. Probably it’s the places I’ve worked, maybe. The creative process is different. I do love design, of course. But it’s the ideation part that gives me the orgasm. Ideation and conceptualization is my strength.
“You are only as good as yesterday’s work”. And all the while, I keep telling my self to just keep on producing good work. Just keep it up. But being in an environment that only expects “so much”, I’m starting to feel – cabbaged. stupid. useless. I’m going to be 26 this year. I’ve only worked for two years. In 3 different companies. That doesn’t look good.
Yesterdays class, Encik Omar showed the works of Yasmin & Ali. He’s a friend of theirs. There was the MAS ad again. I felt all funny inside. A wave of heat swept my body. By the time he got to the Petronas Raya ad with Rozie Rashid, my scarf was already wet with tears. Partly because of the emotional effect of the ads but mostly because, it reminded me of a love I once had. I wanted to do that kind of work. I still do. I do so want it badly. You have no idea.
What is stopping me, may you ask? If I wanted it so badly, why don’t I just go and get it? The same reason I didn’t pursue dancing. Huh??
I have to choose the life that least hurts the people around me who care. My parents. My future in-laws. My future husband and children. I have to choose either one. Either them or my dream. It doesn’t cut both ways. It’s a sacrifice I have to make as a Malay Muslim Woman in Malaysia. I changed the dream from advertising to design which is more, well, sesuai. So I made my Design Dream BIG and try to push advertising away as far as possible from my mind. Ikut pilihan ibu bapa. Even then they’re hoping I venture into lecturing and as the industry has put it, lecturing pays more to designers than design firms.
But Encik Omar’s class brought to me memories of the one I once loved so deeply. I cant help but wonder, should I give it another try? Dare I walk out on this dream once again without ever tasting what it feels like? Without ever knowing the experience of producing work sooo good, it gives your life purpose and meaning? Am I just scared? Maybe it could all work out. Both family and career? But what about my Design Dream plan? What about my research? Can’t I have it all????????
THE STAR STRAITS MAIL Langkawi, 12 July 2012 -The new Corporate Ad for the X company received rave reviews internationally and locally. It captured the hearts and imagination of the nation in portraying the story of a girl reaching for her dreams. Internationally, it has done Malaysia proud by winning prestigious awards in the creative circuit. According to the X company, ever since the ad ran, their sales had increased by 400% market share. The team involved in producing the ad are ABC company based in Langkawi. The creative team helmed by Irina Muis as Creative Director said that they owed the success of the ad to the teamwork as well as a great relationship with their clients whom they refer to as partners.
“We worked hard on the campaign, pouring our hearts and souls into what is our ‘labour of love’. Fortunately for us our families understood our line of work, hahaha. It definitely has paid off. We believed in the X company and the values they represent to the community and hoped that the viewers believed in it too. The message was to believe in our dreams, that we could make it happen. And it definitely has for us. We were inspired by the work we did and sought to do the same. Hopefully we could go on producing great work that inspires and empowers the people,” she said in an interview after the One Show awards in New York. – Bernamanama.
In a distant town in Terengganu, a girl of 9 watched the ad and after reading the article in the paper, aspires to pursue a career in Advertising and be just like Irina Muis.
Yesterday, for my finance and marketing class, En Ramli Yunus invited the class to his company, Bloomingdale Advertising in Kg Attap Kuala Lumpur. To those not in the know, it’s a big shot ad agency la in M’sia. Below are my notes on it for the benefit of my friend Nadia who has chicken pox and I (and whomever reads this space).
When we got there we were treated to Kari Kapla Ikan for lunch at a nearby stall. The “kapla” was so HUGE. And there were only 4 of us at the table to finish it up. Aiyo, there goes my diet. Fish is white meat so bagi chan la… Saddap btol. Orang blanje, tak baik tau tak makan.
After dh kenyang cam bodo, we went to the conference room where En Ramli started with Ummul Kitab then he presented the company’s credentials and some sample of the work they did. This including the tv ad for Proton satria and tiara. It was apparent he was really proud of this 20-year-old company of his. It started from scratch; they faced a lot of hurdles, even bankruptcy at one point. (Who better to learn the ropes of business from?) “If you’ve never failed, you wont succeed” – Malcolm S. Forbes. Now they’re a successful agency with worldwide connections and vast body of award winning work.
After that we were brought on a tour of the different departments, 1st being the creative, where apparently a lot of my seniors are. A tinge of sedih la mase ni. Reminded me of the times I’ve worked in college and uni with aspiring hopes of working in an ad agency. And here are the people who made it. What amazed me was that some of his staff has been working for him for 10 years and more. Some even from way back when the company started. I mean, I rarely hear designers in 1 place for that long a time. Plus the office wasn’t exactly a “boutique”. I’ve been in Bates and Leo Burnett and their offices LOOK the part of an ad agency. But this place looks like a cyber café more like it but obviously they must love this place (other than what they do) for them to offer loyalty in return. Salute la beb. Which also goes to show what a good boss En Ramli is. (Tapi kan, I thought it’d be over, bt he introduced me as Farhan! Prof Tamyez, hve u got anything to do with this?)
One interesting place we went was his office. There were paintings he’d done of each of his family member. Each displaying a distinct characteristic of the person. The painting of one of his sons was done in a “Conan the Barbarian” look with a lion and city in the background. He explained that his son was the one running his mengkudu plantation in Kelantan (yup, En Ramli is also an agriculturist) so he was the “tough guy”. Another portrait showed another son with a fish. (Ala lupelaa the name of the fish). Anyway this fish, you shouldn’t disturb it or it’ll bite your hand. Basically he’s the quiet one who prefers his own space. Then there’s the son who followed his footsteps pursuing graphic design in UiTM Lendu done in an anime like fashion. His wife’s portrait was the biggest of them all with psychedelic swirl of flowers framing her face. One more was of his daughter and he’s in the midst of another son’s portrait. My take, a family man who has passion and a humble nature. The desk in his room was the first desk the company had when it was only him and his partner. One did the job while the other went to sell it. I suspect his tenacity in holding to things past as a source of his humbleness. He told of a time when he first started the company at 28 ( there’s still time Irina!) which by then he was married with 2 children. They went through a period of dire, eating maggi and biskut cicah air kosong (he was 32 when failure knocked). Through this I could understand his closeness to his family. They stood by him even through tough times. To this I give respects especially to his wife cos if he was strong, then she was 3 times tougher. And this goes out to all the women out there who stuck by their man and supported him when things go bad and helped him build again. And again. Kudos.
Shahnim, my classmate, also noted that he was a very forward thinking person for he told of the reason behind the paintings was so that his future generations would know that their great great great great great…….. Grandfather painted it. Also I think as artistes and designers, especially the art part of us tend to have a need to be known or recognized. Acknowledged. This is my own personal opinion though.
Also displayed in his office are bottles of his own produced jus mengkudu. Very enterprising la this guy. And the connection with things earthy further establishes his ‘feet firmly planted on the ground’ attitude at the same time reaching for greater heights. We share the same philosophy on mobile phones. Its just for incoming and outgoing calls and sms. Therefore all you need is a basic with hardly any features whatsoever (okay, so mine has a flashlight, bt hey it’s the cheapest phone around!). Helloo… this guy makes million dollar deals on the same phone okay.
Later we had lepak minum teh/ kopi session at the pantry. Sedapnyeee Nescafe makcik! Luckily we weren’t served mengkudu. Hehe. Okay, bad joke. To which he further talked about his aspirations of becoming a politician by winning the hearts of his orang kampung by providing plantations for them to work on and he buys their produce. He has 100 acre or was it 200 acre land in Kelantan planting herbs for overseas export. Terer tak terer. But if you meet Encik Ramli, he’s really a down to earth and jovial person. Rozarina once called him on the phone and he greeted her with a cheery “Happy New Year!”. Very ordinary person with an extraordinary drive.
To which the session ended with an Al Asr. I went there expecting brouhaha as a measure of success. Gedegang Gedegung. Instead I came away with what I think is the ultimate success value which is -people relationship. The relationship he has with his partners, his clients (he also calls them partners), his staffs, his roots, his family, his students and his faith are all closely held. The never say die attitude, hard work, positivism, creativity combined with personal human connections are some values which can be emulated.
As a lesson, I’ll try harder to make relationships happen. I used to think that the only way to make things happen are that I have to do everything myself. Well, no. There’s such a thing as community. You need other people. You need to learn to be okay with them and them okay with you. This individualistic thinking philosophy does not work. I’ve said it before. It pays to be nice. Thus now, you, go help the flood victims in Johore! You’re only as good as the group you’re in. Make it better, make everyone better, you’ll be better. Give more to others. Spread the love. Yippie hippie ya yay!
to farhanah, thanx 4 ur comment on my last entry. Really, I’m just writing these stuff but you’re really living it, so the motivation is really frm ur side to me. Good luck on your business! Eh, how come you don’t come to class ah?? Busy la kann. Oh and that dance studio is called Urban Groove. It’s at the kedai2 beside sunway pyramid. Corner lot, near a bakery (bakers cottage?), 4th floor on top of a mamak, area blakang One Academy. There’s no signage, you can ask at the bakery for directions. Opposite motorcycle shop kot. Fees are 75 per month, 4 classes each month. They also have yoga and breakdance. Hey, I should get commission la promote dierang nie, haha. But go la, its seriously best. Wouldn’t hve quit if not for money probs.
To sauce, tq tq!! Ade jugak org bace my blog. Haha. Other than the ones being forced to, aka Shafik. Really appreciate the response. I want to balas bt my net time is limited. Really thanx byk2.
Enol, aku juge best bace blog kau, bile nk collaborate lg ye?? Everyone, she’s this really great writer, do go to Odisi Odah and check it out.
To all my frens yg drop by to read my siakuk ramblings, thanx a lot, really appreciate it. Saaaayang awak!
Wailings of The One With The Tummy (2007 resolution for my body and I)
AAAHHH….. lunch hour. Haven’t posted for quite sumtime coz the company’s ibook is back in its rightful hands (not mine). Lunch was lousy. The food was okay. Just that I had to force myself to stop eating halfway and just having to watch the other half go to waste along with my money. It is sooooooo sad. Not to mention bad coz wasting is the satan’s way.
Truth is, I’m on a forced diet. I don’t really eat banyak pun before. Normal, same as everyone else la. I finish what’s on my plate. Unfortunately I’m blessed with 2 genetically defect sifat which is 1st, I’m short, and 2nd, I have very low metabolism. Therefore to maintain a normal BMI count which is 45-47kg to my 150 cm (5ft) height, I have to eat less than everyone else.
I’m built small rightfully; it’s just that I’m surrounded with people who are taller than me with higher metabolism who need to eat more, so I eat like them. And more during festivities. My mom’s an excellent cook and she whips up a storm and if I don’t eat what she makes, I’ll be condemned to hell, which is not something I want even if I have the body of Jessica Alba.
I really hate to waste but this is really an urgent state. I weigh 64 kilos. That’s like borderline to being obese. That’s dangerous. Like my boyfriend Shafik (whom I hope loves me no matter how) says, he doesn’t want me to be thin, he just doesn’t want me to get a heart attack. I don’t want to be thin, NOOOOOO!!! I like girls than can be squeezed but not break. But lately the shortness of breath and the pain caused by my bras and jeans coz they’re too tight is literally killing me. And since I have no money to get new bras and jeans (they’re expensive in my size), the logical thing to do is try to lose weight.
Yes, exercise. Unlike people with cars, I take the public transport which requires me to walk a distance to school and to the office. So yes, I am not a lazy bum. Some exercises don’t work as effective as others. I hardly sweat after 2 rounds of jogging at Tasik Subang (its big okay). After 3 months of jogging every single day, 5 rounds each day with training by Mr Shafik, I hardly lost much weight. That was before the tebuan accident happened.
Dance. I joined a hip hop dance class at sunway. Once a week, 1 hour each class, took me less than 5 minutes to sweat. It was way waaaay more fun than jogging, seriously. After a month, people start noticing I lost weight. Unfortunately pulak, I got no transport and money to continue the classes, so back to square 1. (in case ur wondering, NO, dancing by yourself with your own steps don’t really work unless you’re a great choreographer)
As really desperate measures are needed. I’ve now come up with a new exercise routine. I walk and run the flight of stairs at my apartment from the 5th floor to the 10th. I do it repeatedly until 30 mins. Then I head to my room to do crunches and leg lifts. It is safer and you don’t need anything. The problem pulak I need more than 1 hour to recuperate cos it’s really tiring.
Hmmm…. My never ending battle with my tummy. I used to think I was okay. Plump but okay. Bt now I’m really fat. And it’s too late before I realized it. My tummy is as big as my boobs! And it aint attractive! And as a friend who believes in the power of attraction. Life is hard when ur not. I know, I’ve lived both ways. And it certainly was better when I looked okay. Human nature loves beauty. They react differently towards it. It’s tried and tested. I am my own experiment.
So despite me hating to wear make up. I have to wear it now. People are nicer to me when I do. Funny, but its true. You don’t live alone in the world and you have to face a lot of people everyday. It’d be less hell if they’re nicer. So yes, it does matter what other people think. They are the majority. But so leceh la, having to reapply and dab excess oil la what not. How to pray ma???? Aiya so much trouble one…
While other 25 year old females are trying to adapt to being called “Kak” by over the counter people, I’m already being called “makcik” and “puan”. Shit. A situation made worse when u wear tudung and specs. Not only are you unnoticeable from half of the population, you look like the worse half of the half.
SO FOR THE YEAR 2007
I vow to try to make an effort to look more attractive so others won’t be so irked by my appearance and want to treat me badly. To try and lose 20 kilos so on my wedding day, I won’t be mistaken to be the groom’s aunt. To watch what I eat and ignore people’s comment on how little I eat (except during kenduri, because it’s rude not to tambah when your host asks u to) because they are not ketot.
P/s: dont be fooled by the picture. That was raya. I had make up on and sans my specs and tudung. Thats not how I normally look like. I was thinking I shud put up a pic of how a normal irin looks like. Bt cant find the digital file now. haha, bukan tak berani ye..... soon folks soon....
dreamer, bad driver, hungry, sleepy, crazy in love, can't draw,
can't play music, can't fly, wish I could fly, can't cook,
secretly wish to be a rock chick, a sucker for quirky colourful
cute but useless stuffs, water baby, moonlight freak,
really really want to fly........