Sunday, September 16, 2007

voyeuristic tendencies

i like looking at other people's pictures. Sometimes i wish it was me in those pics. having those happy memories. this fetish further fed by friendster enabling me a glimpse into other's experiences. Some of them I know, some i used to know, some i thought i knew, some i wish i had known.

pictures tell of places and time. experiences. people. friends. family. love.

pictures tell of what others have. And i have not.

selfish girl.

invisible as always.

never a matter of importance to anyone.

the people whom i thought are most important, most special to me, have other people more important and special to them.

it feels strange. never belonging to anyone or anywhere or anyplace.

a meaningless soul wandering slowly through time. never fitting in.

the awkward shape that juts out of place.

What does it feel like, to be a part of something? a real part of something?

not just a fleeting piece. but one that actually sticks and crumble alike.

In a sea of people, how can i feel so alone?

I surrender my all to you God. I am yours. And yours only.
Please have a place for me near you, though i may not deserve it.
You are my creator and to you i return and hope i belong. I'm sorry i can't fit in this world. I honestly do not know how. They speak a different language, they dance to a different beat, they see and feel in ways that are alien to me.

i just want to be normal. like the rest of them, in those pictures that i like to see.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


To dance with abandon

To sing with the wind in my heart

To soar with no wings

To spin in the sand

To bask in the moonlight

To run with no halt

To dive into the blue crystalline water

To be held in the warmest embrace

To smile until your eyes shine

To glow inside and at the tips of your fingers

To listen to sights

To see sounds

To touch the feel of nothing

To taste the flavour of everything

To smell the sweetest of joy

To feel the freedom of spirit and soul

That is HEAVEN.

The house on the beach - prt 2

Morning at home.

After Subuh (dawn) sky is beautiful. The dark blue of yesterday meeting against the bright orange light of today giving you a colour combination so contrast yet so harmony. A blend only God would be able to pull off.

The smell of the ocean beckons me. The soft cooling wind exchanging the heat from inside my wooden house. I step down the white steps and my feet touched the soft white sand. Feels like damp flour. I walk along the beach where the ocean was yesterday. The feeling of cold wet sand underneath my feet waking up my senses.

I breath in and took in my moment. I look back at my house. Just a while, I thought. I’ll be back to make breakfast for my sayangs. Thank you God.

The house on the beach

I want to disappear to my beach house on the island, go swim in the clear blue ocean, swim with the fishes. Lie on the hammock, lie on the beach and watch the full moon rising. Read a book on the patio, dance underneath the moonlight on the verandah. Fall asleep in the arms of my loved one on the swing on the front porch. Dipping our feet into the water at the end of the boardwalk during sunset, morning walk by the beach on the wet sand watching the sun rise. Lying down by the beach, looking at the stars and the full moon. Feeling the ocean breeze on my face and in my hair. Seeing the flames crackle and pop in the bonfire at night. Midnight swim. Snorkeling at the corals. Drawing, painting and writing by the window facing the sea. Teaching art and design to young children. Midnight walks and listening to the waves. Cooking in the kitchen with norah jones playing in the background. Reading harry potter with my kids and kiss them goodnight. Go sailing with my husband. Have a romantic dinner on the deck of our boat. Snuggle up to my husband by the beach. Go diving with the family. Barbecue seafood by the seashore. Fresh flowers gives out lovely smell. Family picnics under the coconut trees. Making sandcastles in the evenings.

My dearestever Circle Muncky,

Hi, how’re you settling in there? I hope you’re fine. Nah, I know you’ll be just fine. You’ll blow them away with your coolness, those thin smoking lesbian frenchies!! (They do play good football and rugby though).

Is 3 years a long time? Well it depends on how you spend it. These are my suggestions on how you could do just that:

1) Have frequent webcam chats and calls wit ur family. Especially ur sister, (the cuter and nicer one you love more than the other one, hehe).
2) Do that thing Tom Hanks did in Da Vinci Code and walk on that Rose Line whatever and pretend. Why? Because I think it’d be cool.
3) Take plenty of pictures of anything interesting and quirky and mail it to your sister so she could plagiarize it in her designs.
4) Do your best in whatever it is you’re there for. YOUR best tau, not anyone else’s.
5) Keep urself healthy, body, mind and spirit.
6) Get help if you need it.
7) Tell me when your holiday starts, so I can plan my wedding.
8) Always have God in your heart, love him and he’ll love you.
9) Be nice to people. You’re a Malaysian ambassador, wooohoooo!!!!
10) Have fun and enrich your experience in Legal ways.

And here are the things you are not to do in those 3 years:-

1) Get married and pregnant. (hey, leave that to me will ya?)
2) Wild partying, flashing your boobs and random unsafe sex.
3) Recording acts no. 2 and broadcasting it on Youtube.
4) Drinking drinks that make you do 1,2 and 3.
5) Taking drugs that make you do 1,2,3 and 4.
6) Be like a thin, smoking lesbian frenchie.
7) Gambling everything away to do all of the above.

Well monyet sayang, as much as I’m gonna miss you around here ( I can’t go to pasar malam for the next 3 years, tsk,tsk!), I’m glad and happy you’re there to “jadi orang”. Be good or rather, make good choices. Weeeheeee!!!! Nanti balik sini balik k? kite gi ISLAND HOPPING!!!!!! I got money by then and you’re old enough, waaaahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! Take care!!!!! Muah muah muah!!!!!

Wobbly Puncky

Stuck In A Time Warp

Nani has just left for France. For three years. 3 looooooong years. Uhuk uhuk.

Enol’s got a job and getting married next April.

Ina’s getting married end of this year.

Gee and Faz had their first baby.

Pie and Kak Ija got new, higher paying jobs.

Irah has a career and a baby.

Nymph is gone.

I’m still here.

Seems like everyone has moved on or moved ahead.

I’m still here. No job. No money. No one to cuddle with.
I don’t even have a car.

Feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everything else around me is moving at the speed of light.

I try so hard to hold on to them, all I grasp are shreds of nothing.

I can see everyone and everything just slip away, I feel the changes, the loss. When a smile is no longer as warm and inviting. When a hug is not as tight as it used to be. When the eye loses the twinkle and the voice loses its song. When you suddenly realize you can’t relate to whatever the other person is saying. Then I know, it is time.

Where am I now? How come I haven’t moved? Why am I still here? What the fish am I doing here? Where is here?

If my physical appearance doesn’t advance, I’m okayla. But everything is sagging and melting in places I didn’t even knew existed. Yeah, that’s where I’m moving, downwards and all around the tummy area. Guess gravity can’t fight time.

Time actually stopped for me and it let me watch everybody pass by in a colourful blur.

Bye bye everyone. I’m still here.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Life is one big cycle of sorrow

Where art thou, God?
Where can I find you?
I need a teacher
I cant find you by myself
How is it, that ‘being good’ comes easy to some people?
Do they not yearn for the forbidden?
I do
Very much so
How is it that they like doing ‘what is told’ ?
I don’t really have any strong feelings for it
More often than not, I’m too lazy to do it
Why is it, that my heart only longs for the ‘wrong’ and not the ‘right’?
Am I evil?
I envy the good
It must feel beautiful to be loved by God
I want to be like them
They always seem so happy
But I cant seem to do what they do, doing good I mean
Praying 5 times a day, fasting from worldly needs
How do they do that with such ease?
It is the hardest thing for me
I know that I will die, yet too much of the world doth I love
I long for the heavens, yet I do nothing to deserve a place there
I’m sorry Raqib for letting you down
And Atid, I gave so much to write about, haven’t I?
I’m sorry God
I don’t understand what I say in prayers
I look up the meaning
But I never seem to remember
I don’t understand your verses
I don’t know what you’re saying
I cant read it well
Its in a foreign language I am not familiar with
Get a teacher, you say
What teacher can handle all these questions of mine without condemning me of blasphemy?
I have so much to ask you
Where am I with you?
Do you love me?
Can you love me as much as you do the ‘good' people?
I tried not to be bad
Why is it that all I want is to do the ‘bad’ stuff?
How come I never want to do the the ‘good stuff’?
Stuff you told us to do?
Stuff we have to do to go to heaven?
I want to go to heaven
It is happy there, right?
It’s a beautiful place
I am not happy here
Everything here makes me sad
Except your ocean, and your fish, your flowers, and the wind, and the moon
They are the most beautiful things here
I don’t like people
They are hurtful, some of them, most of them
They do all sorts of things, we I mean
They destroy the only beauty there is that you left for us here
I don’t know how to be around them
Yet I cannot live without them
What is heaven like?
Would you let me go there?
I don’t deserve to go there, do I?
They did what they were told, and more
They lived so bravely
And they are so strong
They love you so much
They gave up everything else. They gave up the world
I love you too
Why cant I be like them?
Nothing I do will ever be good enough
For anyone
Please forgive me for my rantings
There are more people out there who are unfortunate and need you
I’m just a raving lunatic
Who is sad for no reason
Who isn’t grateful
And selfish
All I want is to be happy really.
I want you to love me
And I want to go to heaven
that is all
Please forgive me, Allah subhana wata’ala.