No reason to live.
Yesterday I felt really really really sad. I dont know how to explain why. Just suddenly I dont know why I have to live. What is my reason for living? If I'm dead would it matter to anyone? I dont know if its the haze, my period, body temperature, not having enough oxygen or whatever it is the reason that I started bawling like a baby. I just dont see why I should live. So selfish just thinking bout one own self. Not that suicide is an option. Does anyone need me? Am I important to anyone or anything? Dont know if this masters thing is a good idea. Its the 7th week and I still dont have a research topic and I dont feel like doing anything. Why do I get up in the morning? Is it because my mom would need me to do hsework? Is it so my parents can be happy that at least one of their children does ok? WHY??? Why am I here?? Do I hve to take care of my anak2 buah? Why are my friends so cold towards me? Why cant I make things work? Why cant I accept things and live easily? Why cant I get the things I want? Why do I want these things? Why do I need to have them? Why do I have to do things for other people? Why do I care what people think? Why cant I just bersyukur with whatever have? Why cant I just be normal like everybody else? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I give up? Why is it soooo damn hard to do what is right? Why cant I be stronger? Why cant I make people feel comfortable around me? Why cant I do things properly? Why do I have to feel judged all the time? Why is it that I never look good enough? Why cant I just be happy? why cry??? why not smile??? why so angry?? why does everything make me feel like shit??? Why do I have to wear tudung? Why cant I make people happy? why cant I help people who need help??? Why dont I know what I'm supposed to do??? How come I have no idea how to live? why is it so wrong to do the things i enjoy? why cant people be nice to me? why do they have to be so rude? why doesnt anyone have time for me? why is it so expensive to live? why is it so hard for people to be nice to me? Why my friends are so busy and to bothered to layan me? WHY DO I NEED SO MUCH? a lot of people live with a lot less. why am I not happy? why is it so hard to live? why cant i just give up and die?
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