I don’t want to do this. Any of this.
But I have to see it as an opportunity. To better my self. To be a better person. Isn’t that what we all should strive for? I know I tell myself that over and over.
I need to believe it. I need to do this. It is one of many ways I can learn things that I don’t know, things I’m not comfortable with (which is a lot), things that challenge me.
I have a habit that I am trying so hard to delete my whole entire life. When something new happens or comes my way, my instant reaction would be to reject it. I recoil in horror in doing new and unfamiliar things. I shudder at the thought of having to react immediately to a situation. I panic. I wish to just remain, complacent, contented in my own little comfort zone. Inside me, there is turmoil in my emotions just trying to deny and push away changes. Big and small.
Changes that I should welcome as challenges and opportunities to move forward in life.
Fear maybe. Lack of self confidence. Always had that problem, never found out a way to overcome it completely. I just force myself to face things most of the time and comfort myself in the thought that it will pass in time. To the point that I convince myself the many many ways of which the change is bad for me. I come up with so many excuses and reasons to just simply not go ahead. My whole body and mind just goes into this reverse overdrive and try to distract my self as much as possible rather than face it and get it over with.
But I need to try kan? At least try. And I should give it my best, my all. Because that is what great people do. And I want to be great. Don’t I?
Aaargh. I want to be that person who welcomes challenges with a can do attitude. I want to naturally be able to view challenges as opportunities and make the best of situations. I want to embrace change and improve. I want to unleash my utmost potential.
I do not want to be that person who lived to regret their past choices. Choices of not doing something and thinking I would have been great at it had I tried. I don’t want to have that lingering thought of what I could’ve done, what I could have been.
I’m going to become a mother soon. An idea that freaked me out at one point. But I’m 6 months in and I have never felt greater, happier, powerful, beautiful. And now I’m using my baby as an excuse. Or am I?
New things are happening, change is imminent. At work and outside. I am given bigger responsibilities that are outside of my normal work scope which just involves teaching classes. I am full on rejecting these ‘changes’ at work and outside with the excuse of “I just want to be a mother”. I want to stay home and take care of my family. I’m too tired. This is too much extra unnecessary stress. Family is priority. I’m happy the way things are.
On one hand I want to live a full life embracing extraordinary experiences. Constantly learning and improving. But this requires facing new challenges and trying new things which most are scary and making difficult choices I don’t think I can or want to.
On the other, I am happy the way things are now. I’m comfortable. I’m not unnecessarily stressed and life is easy. I just want to take things easy, one slow step at a time. Enjoying the process, the journey.
Time is moving Irina. And you are not the only one.