Most probably it had something to do with that. Among
other things.
4 years ago I got married. It wasn’t a particularly romantic
notion. I wasn’t crazy in love then. We didn’t exactly date sort of, we started
dating after we decided we wanted to marry each other. And that was only like
what, 6 months by when we were basically in the midst of preparing for a wedding
and I finishing my Masters thesis (because my mom won’t let me marry
otherwise). I married a good friend, a dear confidante, my colleague whom I
knew barely a year before.
Why did I marry? Why did I marry him?
For many nights in the year before I got married, I was lost
and sad. Alone in my rented room, some nights, when the moon was full and the
moonlight bathed the room in soft soothing glow from the open window, in the
middle of the night, I would cry and pray.
I would pray and cry really hard. For guidance. For
strength. For God to just love me. Just love me. I was almost 28 years old,
alone, jobless and I didn’t know what I did with my life and where I was going.
I was hopeless and desperate. But I held on steadfastly to the one and only
thing that I knew was true. La Ilaha Illallah.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praises be to Allah, Lord of the worlds,
Most gracious, most merciful,
Owner of the day of judgment,
Only you I worship, Only from you I ask for help,
Show us the right path,
The path of those whom YOU favour,
And not of those who earn YOUR anger.
It is Al Fatihah from the Quran. I have never finished
reading the Quran, I have never Khatam. I forgot most of what I was made to
memorize as a child. I am not particularly religious or pious like some people
I know. I miss the 5 obligatory prayers. And the times that I read the
translations, sometimes I don’t understand them, sometimes I don’t care. I only
knew the meaning of Al Fatiha by heart. This, I know, this I understand. I
repeated them over and over and over again. Desperately clinging to every word.
Help me God, please. Help. Show me the right path.
I felt so alone and all I wanted was for God to forgive me.
To love me. Please don’t forsake me.
Why did I want to be married?
At that time I think it was companionship. Just someone to
share this life journey with. Although I remind myself over and over, in the
end we are all alone anyway. Subconsciously maybe, my independent self longed to
be taken care of. But I remember thinking I wanted to be somebody’s MOST
favourite, MOST special person. I wanted to mean something to somebody. I
wanted to mean a lot to somebody. I wanted to be somebody to somebody. I wanted
to be number one on somebody’s list. I wanted to matter.
Marriage to me personally, was a journey to be a better
person. It is a process that makes you go through all sorts of trials and
tribulations that when you succeed in struggling past it, you are better than
before. Improved in many aspects. It is meant to be a challenge, yes. Constant
challenge, constant battle. And getting
to know yourself more, discovering your humanness in relation to others as well
as your own self, brings you that much closer to your Creator.
It is like deconstructing yourself, and fixing flaws through
many mistakes, understanding your own design so that you can be better and in
the process, learn much about The Designer Himself.
Why Izham?
That, I believe as a Muslim has been pre-ordained by God. As
is life and death. We have our wishlist, our ideal partner, yes we can hope and
pray. But in the end, Allah knows best and it is our free will that makes it or
break it. We are just asked to do our best but most importantly have utter
undying faith in HIM, no matter how and what happens. Because, there is no other
God than Allah and He is Most Gracious Most Merciful than the human mind can
ever fathom, imagine or understand.
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