Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dark Heart

We all have our dark sides.

I am guilty of many. Constantly at war within me.

Jealousy. Rage. Hatred. Greed. Vengeful.

Sometimes I just want to give in to them.

Set them free.

Let them loose.

But I know only regret and despair awaits should I let them take over.

And there is no turning back from the repercussion.

So I stare blankly into space.

Emotionless while a turmoil brews inside.

I lie still.

Wandering through mental images of random objects and happy fantasies.

To distract. To escape. To control.

The darkest side of me.

Monday, April 06, 2015

Boxed In.

It has always been about boxes.

It has been a year and almost a half that I have been jobless. After my 2 months maternity leave ended, I took a year of unpaid leave to take care of my daughter, Audrey who was born prematurely at 26 weeks. Took a leap of faith and tendered my resignation last October.

Other than bringing up Audrey, I was intending to use that time to figure out my next step. I was unhappy at work then and my whole soul kept fighting. I felt so strongly that I wasn't supposed to be there. I was full of conviction that I should be doing something else with my life.

I've seen and read it over and over again. Chase your dreams. Do what you love, what makes you happy. Follow your passion. Blablabla.... I want to, I really want to. But my dreams are many, I don't know where to start or how.

Life with a newborn took everything I had to give. I had no time to think about myself. I have a tiny human to keep alive!

Now she's a year and four months. I find myself entertaining that notion again. That and the fact that we are financially strapped.

I should go back to work. But the time with Audrey made me realize, I don't want to. I want to earn an income but I want to do it having her with me.

I've had time to think and soul search while Audrey naps and I may have come to a decision.

Boxes. It has always been about boxes.

Let's start there first.


Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Pretty Things.

Sometimes when we get tired and weary with the world, we try to escape it by looking at 'pretty things'. By that I mean, objects that give us temporary relief, a glimmer of hope of how we imagine our life to be.

'Pretty things' somehow display an idea of perfection in contrast to what we are feeling at the moment. We live vicariously through images that give us a feeling of elation. It could be a beautiful person, a car, a dress, a room, a scenery... we all have our own preference of visuals that stimulate our happy feelings albeit for just a while.

It explains our obsession over celebrities and entertainment. And our addiction to clicking just that one more link when we are on the internet. It gives us a moment to escape our own reality and immerse in someone else's.

These objects of beauty that we behold have an ability to turn into a drug. We abuse these little pleasures by indulging in the extreme.

I find that my phone has turned into an object that powers my evil inside. I just meant to look something up but ended up looking at the screen for hours. Looking at pictures of 'pretty things'.

I hope and pray that this Ramadhan I will be able to curb this habit and turn to HIM who could give me real happiness that I do not need to escape from.

Friday, June 20, 2014


Sometimes my awkwardness in crowds can be misinterpreted as aloofness. People might even think I'm cold. Indifferent even.

When I see a crowd, I withdraw. Sometimes I just wander off into my own world.

I find that I am becoming more introvert and quiet. I just have nothing much to say anymore. Or I question whether it is worth saying.

It is contradictory. I do want to matter and sometimes I need the attention. Stupidly, I even get jealous.

But I just feel weird and out of place. Jutting out. Then I freeze. Then I get nervous. And I just want to leave and look for the comfort and warmth of familiarity.

A crab. Retreating back into its hard shell. Protecting its soft insides.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Embracing Change.

I don’t want to do this. Any of this.

But I have to see it as an opportunity. To better my self. To be a better person. Isn’t that what we all should strive for? I know I tell myself that over and over.

I need to believe it. I need to do this. It is one of many ways I can learn things that I don’t know, things I’m not comfortable with (which is a lot), things that challenge me.

I have a habit that I am trying so hard to delete my whole entire life. When something new happens or comes my way, my instant reaction would be to reject it. I recoil in horror in doing new and unfamiliar things. I shudder at the thought of having to react immediately to a situation. I panic. I wish to just remain, complacent, contented in my own little comfort zone. Inside me, there is turmoil in my emotions just trying to deny and push away changes. Big and small.

Changes that I should welcome as challenges and opportunities to move forward in life.

Fear maybe. Lack of self confidence. Always had that problem, never found out a way to overcome it completely. I just force myself to face things most of the time and comfort myself in the thought that it will pass in time. To the point that I convince myself the many many ways of which the change is bad for me. I come up with so many excuses and reasons to just simply not go ahead. My whole body and mind just goes into this reverse overdrive and try to distract my self as much as possible rather than face it and get it over with.

But I need to try kan? At least try. And I should give it my best, my all. Because that is what great people do. And I want to be great. Don’t I?

Aaargh. I want to be that person who welcomes challenges with a can do attitude. I want to naturally be able to view challenges as opportunities and make the best of situations. I want to embrace change and improve. I want to unleash my utmost potential.

I do not want to be that person who lived to regret their past choices. Choices of not doing something and thinking I would have been great at it had I tried. I don’t want to have that lingering thought of what I could’ve done, what I could have been.

I’m going to become a mother soon. An idea that freaked me out at one point. But I’m 6 months in and I have never felt greater, happier, powerful, beautiful. And now I’m using my baby as an excuse. Or am I?

New things are happening, change is imminent. At work and outside. I am given bigger responsibilities that are outside of my normal work scope which just involves teaching classes. I am full on rejecting these ‘changes’ at work and outside with the excuse of “I just want to be a mother”. I want to stay home and take care of my family. I’m too tired. This is too much extra unnecessary stress. Family is priority. I’m happy the way things are.

On one hand I want to live a full life embracing extraordinary experiences. Constantly learning and improving. But this requires facing new challenges and trying new things which most are scary and making difficult choices I don’t think I can or want to.

On the other, I am happy the way things are now. I’m comfortable. I’m not unnecessarily stressed and life is easy. I just want to take things easy, one slow step at a time. Enjoying the process, the journey.

Time is moving Irina. And you are not the only one.

Thursday, October 03, 2013

My lil' ace, my lil' fighter.

To the baby in my belly :D

You probably know by now that your Daddy is the 'talker' in the family. As always, he has more things to talk about with you and he writes more about you too. That's your Dad, I love him for that, he is very expressive with his love and both you and I are so lucky to have him.

You have started moving lately. Well actually, I have only started feeling your moves. Getting stronger and more frequent. Mommy feels like a washing machine sometimes when you swirl around inside me. And I know when you are sleeping or resting but you would respond to Daddy's voice when he rubs my belly at night and talks to you.

I say that you are my lil' ace, my lil' fighter because it was a challenge to conceive you. We waited 4 years before that fateful day that I took that home pregnancy test (the how many hundredth one I took) and it finally showed 2 lines. Your Dad, well, he is the happiest one of all of course, he wanted you more than anything else in the world and though I know it hurts him so much not knowing when you will arrive or even if you would ever come into our lives, he held on steadfastly, patiently, never once giving up hope or faith that one day, we would be blessed with a child of our own.

On that day in June 2013, I took the test in the bathroom. My menses are so irregular so there aren't really any signs to tell me if I'm pregnant or not. I just occasionally buy a lot of the tests when I go to pharmacies and I take them sometimes without telling your Dad. I don't want to tell him of the negative results. But that day, when 2 lines appeared instead of one, I was jumping up and down, my heart was thumping, how do I tell him this? OMG OMG OMG OMG....YAYY!!!

I put the test on the dresser and hid behind my room's door, hoping he would find it once he gets out from his toilet. I saw through the little crack, he passed by and didn't notice it. Then he started looking for me, I was getting a bit hot and impatient, so I revealed myself from behind the door and told him to look on the dresser.

"Apa ni?" he looked so puzzled holding the test.
"Look at it," I said.
"I don't get it, what does it mean?" his face was so funny.
"It means I'm pregnant," cooly and calmly.
"Huh?" eyes open wide.

Then it came, swept through like a tidal wave, tears streamed down his face, then my face, tears everywhere. Alhamdulillah. After the initial euphoria toned down a bit, he held my face with the most beautiful ernest eyes, look through me and said, "We're going to have a baby, Sayang."

What came after that was a series of events that I chronicled in an earlier post. At one point I was told that I wasn't even pregnant, I had a threatened miscarriage, I thought I lost you. It wasn't until a series of intrusive tests that I finally got to hear your heartbeat and knew that you were going to be okay. You are a fighter my dear baby.

The early part of my pregnancy was quite okay, just a little discomfort here and there, mostly from itching like crazy and being bloated and tired and sleepy. Oh and hungry like a horse, you sure got hungry really fast and I had to eat like NOW NOW NOW or I'll start to regurgitate. But everything was fine and it went well, I hardly had any morning sickness, cravings. Your Dad did though. He kinda took away the symptoms from me. The second trimester was excellently smooth, I felt so happy, so pretty, so relaxed, like nothing could bother me. Except a few leg cramps every other night and having my body covered in acne, I feel like a million bucks.

We have your Dad to thank for that, he made me really comfortable and at ease all the time. He cooked, cleaned, shop, drove... basically everything he could so that you and I would grow fat and lazy, kidding, I meant happy. To the point that he would bulk up and get really angry at anyone who made me upset. He put in so much effort, I feel so bad because I could see he was tired and sleepy too driving the distance to and from work. He took us shopping when Mommy needed bigger underwear even though he dislikes going out and being around other people. He would rather stay home and watch tv or be in his studio or just lepak with us on the sofa watching Running Man or anime.

Daddy always imagined you would be a girl. And somehow, my fictional stories of the house by the sea always had a girl with me. We would be happy either way of course, we just wanted you to be healthy and happy. But finding out that you are a girl has brought to life a lot of our imaginary stories of you. Your Dad wants to build robots with you. Mommy wants to dress you up and Daddy can't wait to make you wear costumes against your will, haha. We want to go on trips with you, play with you, not let you grow up so fast so we could squish you, you little person you.

But Mommy also knows that bringing you into this world, it is a fight of life and death. Mommy and Daddy both know that this world you are coming into is very dangerous and hostile. How are we going to let you got to a nursery? How are we going to let you go to school? How are we ever going to let you go out at all?? We have our concerns, we have our worries of oh soooo many things.

But all we can do is what we have always done. We have faith in The Creator, The Protector, The Almighty God. In Him do we put our hearts, our souls, our trust, our unconditional love. To His Will, do we submit and surrender. And as you are a the biggest gift and blessing we ever had, we are beyond grateful, and both Mommy and Daddy will try our best to help you be a good person with a good heart and strong faith. We will try to keep you happy and healthy and provide you with the best that we can give. My only prayer is that you will be protected and guided to be the best that you can be.

It is another 4 months before you would come into our lives. I am enjoying every minute of you being inside my tummy. Grow well my lil' ace, our little treasure.

Friday, September 13, 2013

How we try to live and still have fun in the new economy.

Since the oil price hike, it has more than pinched our household. We travel an amount of 70km to and from work everyday. We are saving for the coming of our baby early next year, so we had to make adjustments. Since we can't reduce our fuel consumption, the only other area that we spend most on is food. I think, most importantly is changing our mindset, that we can still live and be happy with so much less stuff that money buys.

1. We eat/tapaw our breakfast from home so we don't need to have b'fast at the office.

2. During lunch we do not order drinks. The cafeteria is kind enough to provide free plain drinking water.

3. We eat simple home cooked dinners at home as much as possible. And if possible, we reduce the portion to 1 instead of 2. 

4. Try not to give in to our eating whims n cravings. This is the hardest part. We's loves our sweets, we's gots to haves ems.

5. We don't go out and eat out unless we really really really have to. And even if we eat out, we try to use coupons or discount vouchers. (We would like to see our friends n family still, please come to our house instead n let us cook.)

6. We buy absolute necessities and choose the bargain/ cheaper versions of cleaning products, toiletries. I also wash my hair less, used to be everyday, and shorter hair helps. And we also repeat clothes at least twice before washing, unless it stinks too bad.

7.Try to live without things or less of them. Like for us, we have no astro or wifi at home, we just watch movies/ series/ anime we got from our students who download them. Almost all of our furniture are hand me downs from our families. Be creative in ways to enjoy company, like for this year, for my birthday, we celebrated at home with candles on ice cream and chocolate roll cake and special kind treatments like a massage or hair wash by my beloved.

8. Live with whatever we have, do with it whatever we can. Both of us do not have credit cards. Our debts are the car and house loan. Yes, sometimes, we do wish for things like toys and shoes. But we basically have to be stern and disciplined and make that choice that; I don't need it, I can live without it.

9. Give to others as much as you can. I don't know how to explain but it really does help yourself too, when you are generous to others, be it family, friends or strangers.

But I think most of all, what I am most grateful for is, during these hard times, when tensions and conflicts may lead to stress in marriage, we always remember that there are others in worse situations, AND in any situation, we help each other out as much, understand the situation, love and support, communicate everything, try to make things easy for each other. Have faith in the rezeki from God Most Gracious, Most Merciful. I am blessed with a big treasure which is the love, affection and attention of my partner Izham Aris. That, money can't buy.

Praying for all of us who are going through financial struggles, big and small, stay strong, have faith. We can get through this. 

What are your solutions/tips in facing this economy? Please share.