Oh, The Agony of Joyful Things.

Monday, 17 June 2013.

Had terrible dreams last night, my heart was racing. It was like shocks and bombs and plunging knives into body parts. Not a good idea to watch Taken 2. In fact, not a good idea to watch Die Hard and Game Of Thrones. Woke up sometime in the middle of sleep, my feet were feeling ‘loose’, I don’t know how to describe it, like they were detached or gone, felt like hitting and constantly shaking it. Yayang woke up and sapu yusmira on my feet. My heart still unrest from the bombing, shooting and stabbing.

Then my stomach turned and growled. I felt so hungry. I turned the lights on and grabbed the tupperware with dates by the bed and started gnawing through them.

My head was thinking of baby names and preparing for my first class in midst of the shooting and stabbing. Woke up this morning feeling like a messed up ball of yarn, or more like the tangled hairs in the shower drain.

No, I don’t have morning sickness or cravings, please don’t hold that against me. My only pregnancy symptoms would be my out of breath speech and my heavy chest that have apparently turned into rocky boulders. That and my pee. And gas.

The first few days, sometime last week, I had a bad case of gas. Felt like an over sized balloon, I couldn’t walk or talk properly, sleeping was the worst, any direction didn’t matter. Just wished like I wanted to walk out of my body. I felt and looked HORRIBLE. Like Tweedledum and Tweedledee and Humpty Dumpty in hi def slow mo.

One night, while sitting on my bed, I mean, mattress (bed broke, different story), feeling terrible yet trying to convince myself that this is just psychological. I Zikr. I broke into tears. Then into loud sobs.

I called/ wailed for Yayang to come in to put on the Quran. He kinda panic and misheard that I was asking for my phone (wha??), so I bawled and wailed like a small kid throwing a tantrum “TOLOOONG PASANGGG QURAAAAAANNNN!!! WAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaaa!!!” and sobbed to my hearts content. Trying his best to comfort me,  “What’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong.”

“ Saaakitt perutttt… tsk, tsk.. sob sob,” complete with shaking shoulders effect.

“Ok, ok show me where.”

Yayang has this magical ability to ‘tarik angin’, loosely translated to ‘chuck wind’ out of someone. The moment he put his hands on my belly, he started to burp and pass wind continuously until his eyes were red and teary. This went on for a while, the ‘siphoning’ of air out from me, through him. Slowly I felt better and fell into a deep sleep after many many nights.

Yayang however, has to purge the ‘wind’ out of him. But there was just too much that he didn’t manage to purge it all. Whenever he does this, he gets really tired and if he didn’t succeed in purging all of it, he will be the one in pain.

The next day, my pain was all gone and I could move and talk like a normal person. The days onwards felt much better, happier. Different for Yayang however. But he managed to purge it all out by lunch. Thank you!

Last weekend was nice. Yayang made seafood butter fried rice on Saturday. Sooo sedap. We didn’t do much but it was such a nice day. I didn’t feel too good to go out and about. We watched movies and Runningman and just stayed home. Did normal house stuff. Like laundry. Lovely. Choice of movies were not that great to me (Kamen Riders vs Super Sentai????) but I slept through some of them anyway. Except Running Man. They have the ability to make me laugh so hard, my food went upwards. And I temporarily lose my breath, and vision. Maybe not a good idea either.

On Sunday, I followed Yayang to Amcorp, he had some toys to sell and repaint. (Rule: Only go to Amcorp when there is money to be made). I went to get my hair cut at the same place I dyed my hair early last year. Since we’re running low on funds, I just requested for a cut. No wash or treatment or whatever. Chemicals are bad for the baby too. I don’t like the way that he cut my hair and the result, to me, is so sad. My hair was almost to my waist, I asked for shoulder length with a slight fringe, but he chopped it off until below my ears and straight all around. And he did it quite, emm, nonchalantly. All in less than 10 minutes, he didn’t even blow dry it after. How rude. 30 ringgit, my foot. Not pretty. 

Wearing flats. Also not pretty. I want pretty flats.

Oohh, Thank you Hanan and Raiha for 'mobbing' our house and bringing food and staying for the movie. Friends who can come and mob your house are definitely lifelong family friends.

Thoughtless

Thursday, june 13 2013

I try to make it routine now that when I come back from work, after Maghrib prayers, dinner then after Isya’, to read the Quran. I continued from where I last stopped. Yayang turns on the Quran mp3 when we sleep. I try my best not to miss any prayers.

That part is where I have control over.

It is my work that I’m worried about. I’m quite unhappy when at the office. I’m bored eventhough I have lots to do. I don’t look fwd to it, even teaching. I find that I loathe the company of people.

I just want to go away to somewhere secluded and quiet with minimum human interaction for this whole entire pregnancy. And beyond. Go somewhere with lots of trees, surrounded by nature. Where I can just read, walk and write.

Forgive me for my thoughtlessness.

Tongue.

Some people might say that I don't talk much, which might surprise those who think I talk a lot. Truth is, I choose to only speak about certain things to certain people. I only speak if you want to listen. I don't speak if I think it might bring about conflict or misunderstanding. But it doesn't mean that if I'm silent, that I do not have an opinion, that I do not care, hurt or feel. I will only voice it if and when it is necessary to do so. I love words but I value silence, for in silence I can hear even more.

“Rabbish rahli sadri wa yasirli amri wa ahlul uqdatum mil lisani yafqahu qauli”, which translates to: “O God open my chest, make my task easy for me and untie the knot in my tongue so that they may understand me”.

Musa (as) made this Dua before going to Fir'aun, and it can be found in Surah Ta-Ha (verse 25-28).

Closer

Light of the full moon reflected on the vast open sea.

Touching sprinkles of glitter.

Salty scent of the air.

How I yearn for that Sight again.

The wind rustling through leaves.

Warm and cool,

passing gently on my face,

My skin calmly stroked by the breeze.

I long for that Sound, that Touch.

The built world,

makes me weary.

Lifeless.

Dread.

Have you ever been engulfed by a night sky

so dark yet so light by the twinkling of the stars?

Just a glimpse of the universe.

In it, God I see.

And I miss You.

Have you ever been in a place, in that moment,

In His creation, in that space,

You bask in His Love, His Greatness.

For a while, you are lost, you are alone, in His Beauty.

His Perfection that overwhelms and overtakes your senses,

Your entire being.

Far away from man, and all his ugliness.

The Rock In The Hailstorm.

A bit of peace after a hailstorm. Another storm is coming soon. And as the ones before this, you always manage to break me and reduce me to a messy pile of tears and despair. But I manage through it anyway. Because I have a solid and steady place to hold on to while crying. And though he is rock solid, he is also gentle as he rubs my head and tells me that everything will be okay and that it will all end soon. The love from a higher place that channels through someone whom I call Husband. Thank you. No matter how strong or how many hailstorms I have to brave, I am able to, because of you.

Time

You are my biggest fear, my biggest enemy. You are what scares me the most, yet you’re not even here. I hate you. You are merciless, you are cruel, you have no compassion or passion even. You march on, cold as steel, like clockwork, tick tock tick tock. Mocking every single move that I do, every decision I make, every word I say. Mock mock mock. Never looking back, not a moment less. Never stopping, never waiting, not for anyone, not for anything. Leave everyone behind, trying to catch up, breathless. Without a care in the world, you march to your own beat. Never minding who you hurt, who you destroy, who you kill. Those who know your game, they are the ones that rule, they are powerful, successful. No, HE is the one that rules. Because only HE has the power over you.

Addiction.

I understand it now. Different people have different kinds of addictions to different things. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming…. I get it now. Cause I have an addiction too.

For a fleeting moment, you escape this world and you are brought to another place. In that instance, you are not you, you are not here. You escape the harsh realities of your real world, the world that just sucks, and for just a little while, you forget everything. It is an intense moment of like time slowing down, your whole body goes into this heightened tensed state until right at the edge, and then….. in a split second, you’re whole body relaxes, you are light and airy, you are floating and it feels like you're flying. For a while you get a glimpse of it, you are blissfully happy.

And that is all what addicts want. It is how we cope with this world. That is the only thing that everyone wants. Is to be happy. Even when it is little, even when it is not real.