Friday, November 16, 2012

The Spiderman Syndrome.

I have the Spiderman Syndrome.

Lately I’ve been experiencing a series of embarrassing uncontrollable bodily functions. There are moments when I am in the midst of talking, when suddenly my voice starts to break, my hands tremble and I could feel a sudden heat wave caused by a quick rush of blood to my head and I could literally feel my face turning red hot. My ears feel pressured and sounds become muffled. My throat dries up and my heart beats at an alarming rate. And I feel like it is hard to breath, my head gets heavy and my vision starts to darken. I want to throw up, fart, crap, hiccup and sneeze all at the same time.

These moments occur during a meeting, for example, when it is my turn to speak in a group of people. I could only translate these physiological actions of mine as nervousness, anxiety and fear.

I have never had this happen so often and so fast. It is interfering with my daily activities and needless to say, it is exasperating. I have no control over it and as much as I try to calm myself, it is quite obvious to the others around me. It is embarrassing and frustrating.

I’m a lecturer and talking in front of an audience has never been a problem for me. As a student in college, I loved doing presentations and enjoyed talking to an audience. So it is puzzling to me, why all of this is happening now.

I shared this predicament with my husband, to give me some perspective and get me out of distress, he told me about the Spiderman Syndrome.

Spiderman went through this phase in which he doubted himself. He started questioning whether he was really worthy to be a hero. He didn’t believe he was. He knew he had the abilities, the power, but he didn’t believe how he could help anyone with those capabilities. He started to lose his confidence and his powers began to dwindle. He wasn’t able to stick to walls, his spider senses wouldn’t work and his strength was gone. The villains trashed him mercilessly.

If this is similar to my case, then what happened to me was that I didn’t believe in myself. There is a difference in knowing you can do something and believing that you could do it. I know I can speak well, that is my ability. But I didn’t believe that what I spoke of matters and is worth listening to.

My husband says that I have a hard time accepting compliments and believing that people see I have great potential. He points out examples where I would normally express doubt and disbelief when someone says something nice about me.

Why? I analyzed the times when these incidences occur. I’m trying to understand this problem, why it happens and how I could fix it.

There are times in the past, when I was younger, where when in doing something, I incurred some negative comments, some snide remarks that hurt me.  I was young, and every time this happened I would lash out, lose my temper and in the event, sometimes people got physically hurt. The onlookers have this look in their eyes, I was being judged and it changes things. People start distancing themselves from me because they thought I was weird and they didn’t want to be involved with me. I had been labeled at times as being too intense, high strung, too ‘over’.

 As I got older, instead of lashing out, I recoiled and crawled back into the comfort of my hardened shell. A wall, a fort I successfully built for myself to protect me from harm or hurt. I became silent, introvert and never wanting to be in the centre of attention.

Lately, I have been involved with new groups of people that forced me to go outside of my comfort zone. These people have a tremendous amount of positive energy and what my husband calls a ‘supercharged’ optimism. They are volunteers from a non-profit group called Thinklab who are known as the Agents of Change. They are made up of people from different backgrounds and age, all coming together for the same purpose, which is to change the design industry in Malaysia and make it better. It is refreshing and inspiring to be with them not only because of our shared interest in design but ultimately because they are honestly nice people. Compliments and acknowledgements are abundant and hardly a word is uttered in spite or hatred. Criticisms are delivered tactfully and for the purpose of betterment. Meetings are concise, fulfilling and purposeful. I instantly clicked with them in a short time.

But I’m also feeling the pressure to perform. I mean, it is so inspiring to see these young people, so passionate, committed and full of conviction in what they do. So much so that I didn’t think that I am good enough to be with them. I got scared that I couldn’t deliver what was expected of me. What if I say the wrong things? What if they see how stupid I was? What if I can’t achieve the task that they hand to me? What if I screw up because I didn’t understand and was just too slow in comprehending?

Seeing how they work together, it teaches me a lot. Being nice always works better. Though it almost always is never easy. Especially for me, getting angry when things don’t go the way I want it to. And a positive attitude is contagious, it inspires and rubs off on people, making them want to do great things. And sometimes you just got to force yourself to do something, even though it is hard and you would rather not.

I hope that I would be able to overcome this fear of mine. It would take time, I guess. And I just need to keep on trying and believe that I am capable of great things. There will always be opposing voices that hurt. But this is my battle that I have to fight.

 The greater the battle, the better the triumph. Fighting!

Monday, October 29, 2012


Umpama ketam
Berjalan tidak terus, tidak lurus
Melangkah ke sisi
berjalan di tepi-tepi
Lebih selamat, kata hati.

Kerana takut menerjah
takut takut ia lari
takut ia hilang dan pergi

Pada aku, kau berharga
Kau dua dari tiga, empat atau lima
Tapi mungkin itu aku
Mungkin kau tak rasa begitu

Perasan aja aku ini
Agh, sudah lebih dari sekali
Usia sudah meningkat tua
Sayang sekali

Bak si ketam dengan penyepitnya
Cuba ku sepit seerat mungkin
Tapi kekadang terpaksa ku lepas jua
Aku berpura-pura dingin
Macam aku yang tak hingin

Seperti ketam
Cengkerangnya sahaja keras
Isinya terlalu lembut
Macam kertas
carik-carik jadi kusut

Bersembunyi di sebalik batu
hanyalah cara untuk melindungi diri
dari sakit hati

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Living up to LIFE.

Humans can do anything and everything. 
The only challenge is time, energy and the human will. 
We were created great, so live up to it.

After my awakening of time, I started to use it more. Not to say that that it lessens or increases, it doesn't in fact, time that is. What I meant is, as I am more aware of it now, I'm trying to do as much as I could.

I took on anything and everything, I wanted to fulfill my possibilities, my human-ness, my full potential so to say. I don't know how much longer I'll be alive, life is too short to just wait to die. I want to achieve all my dreams and I know I can, because anyone can, it is as clear as day. God is great, the greatest in fact. God created us in His likeness, so we are great too, I mean, we had the THE ULTIMATE DESIGNER design and made us. 

So my absolutely 'rojak' dreams; (as of the last time that I listed it whilst doing The Passion Test), are all absolutely possible to be achieved. Just 4 key ingredients;

All will happen, all will be fullfilled, IN TIME. Not a moment earlier or later, everything will come at the time it is supposed to. And you cannot change time, like, ever. Sometimes people also call it luck. I believe luck has a lot to do with timing.

I have mass. I have energy, I need energy, I use energy, I lose it. Energy does not disappear, it merely transforms. Forgive my physics, but for anything to Work, I need Energy and Force. So if I understand correctly, I need to Force myself to go the Distance for it to Work. And since Albert Einstein’s theory has been proven, and since I cannot move at the speed of light, so I either have to be really ‘nothing’ (no Mass), or massively huge like The Hulk, or really fast like The Flash to be powerful. So since I’m not either, I just need to Work over Time to achieve my Powers.

Out of all the Powers, I think the most superhuman power of all is the power of will. Ironically, ‘Will’ in Bahasa Malaysia is ‘Daya’ and ‘Daya’ in physics is Force. So in essence, you need a forceful will. Most importantly because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Inertia. The more you push, the more challenges will oppose you, the more you try, the harder it gets. NEVER GIVE UP. We have all this mass (our body), all this time, all this energy and what do we use it for? Being lazy is such a luxury. We all are given the same amount of time.

But my will is also connected to what I want. I only will, if it is something I want. I want to achieve all my hopes and dreams, so am I willing to do what it takes? My dreams are HUGE so my will has to be GARGANTUANLY HUMONGOUS. I want it so bad, that I have no choice but to will it. So now I will myself to do oh so many things, to see how much I possibly could, turns out I could do sooo much. I never actually realized that, I usually foresee myself not being able to do it, so I give up trying it out in the first place, I thought I was being realistic y’know, not wanting to get over my head and all, but I see now how much I underestimate my own human capabilities. JUST DO IT and GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT.

Why? Why go through so much pain and struggle? Why don’t we just sit back, relax and enjoy? I mean isn’t that how to live life? Sometimes when I get overwhelmed of life, I question myself, WHY THE HELL DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS? Sometimes people around me ask “Kenapa kau susah-susahkan diri, bukannya dapat apa pun?” translation “ Why do you go to so much trouble, its not like you’ll get anything from it”. This is a sample of inertia. The opposing forces I told you about earlier. But that’s the thing, why I do what I do. Why is it important to have dreams and try to achieve them? Why I push myself to do the things that are hard or tiring or just simply things I don’t like to. My reason for it all, my reason for life, for living is just one. For my Creator. I am given everything by HIM, all that I ever could need. Everyone needs a direction. A reason. No amount of force could be asserted to move something if it has no direction, because the opposing force would just make it static. It would just stay still. It won’t go anywhere.

Well for me, I have a direction, I have a reason and I do everything so I could reach it. Jannah is my direction and the limitless bountiful unconditional love of God is my mission. I try my best to be the best version of me I could possibly be because I was created great, so I am living up to it.

I’m writing my own life story and I want it to be amazing.

P/s: This entry is particularly inspired by Cecilia Ahern's Time of my Life, some episodes of The Big Bang Theory, the self help & motivation section at Bookexcess, and of course my Life and my Creator.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Perfect Doll

My perfect dream doll would have...

The articulation of an Obitsu body with
elegant seamless/ almost invisible joints like a Pivotal/ Jazz Baby Barbie finished with
the smoothness texture of Silkstone Barbie
in various skin colour like Integrity Toys,

With changeble and customizable parts like Hot Toys, 1/6 action figures,
With articulated hands and fingers like a Perfect Grade Gundam,

Lots of changeable, easy to find, customizable, affordable colourful wigs like Liv dolls,
The beautiful faces of BJD, Pullip and Barbie Basics Black Label,
The makeup and lashes of Dollfie and Dollzone,
Changeable eye chips and eye movement like Pullip and Blythe,
The changeable facial expressions of Figmas

The various personalities and character of Barbie Collector/ Gold Label or Tonner dolls

The fashion sense of Bratz, MyScene, So In Style, Stardoll, Integrity toys and J Dolls done in
detailed craftsmanship of clothes like Integrity Toys' Fashion Royalty,
The shoes of Fashionistas and Moxie Teens done in detail like Momoko,
The various accessories and furniture of Barbie Pink Label done tastefully like Silkstone, Silver/Gold Label or BJDs.

The spunky attitude and background story of Dynamite Girls
The cuteness of Momoko and Misaki dolls
The vintage feel of Blythe and Poppy Parker
The mysteriousness of Evangeline Ghastly
The quirkiness of Monster High
The sexiness of Sybarite

at the price of Made in China clone dolls.

Given to me by my loved ones, heheh.
Oh, and is not ALIVE.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


Time is running out.
Time is flying away.
Time is invisible yet I look at it all the time.
I'm scared of time.
Time makes me fear a lot of things.

I watched the movie In Time a couple of months ago. It was profound in the sense that it literally snapped me out of my mind. I became extra conscious of it. Past, present and future.

In essence, time is not here, but it is the most valuable commodity in the world. But it is not ours to take, or buy or share. It moves constantly without anything affecting it. We can't manipulate it or stop it, no matter how hard we try.

All we can do is use it as it is. For time is fleeting. I regret not using my time in this world as wisely as i should. We are given so much of it, a lifetime in fact, yet it is never enough.

I began timing myself, counting down the minutes to every single thing I do. I have the same amount of time as anyone else in this world. But what do I do with it?

When I started timing myself, I realized how much time I was wasting doing that do not help me better myself. I spend almost a quarter of my day on the internet. Mostly on facebook, youtube or blogs with no real goal or task to achieve. Just browsing through random links. Entertainment, leisure and virtual socializing takes up a bulk of my time.

And the after effect of the internet? It even burrows through my time for my family and myself because my brain and eyes are tired from filtering all the information of which half is crap.

I feel sick to my stomach, thinking of how selfish I am and totally ungrateful of the luxury/nikmat of time that God has given me. I analyzed my time usage and needless to say, it is utterly disappointing. There is so much more in life that is worth my time. So so much more.

Time is more valuable than money. I'm prudent with my money, I should be even more stingy with time. Especially since  spent the last 30 years of it just getting by.

So what is worth my time? What is worth yours? That is a different story.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Bring me to the sea at dusk.

Bring me to the sea at dusk

Let the sound of the waves drown the silent screams inside my heart

Let the colour of the sky blanket me in calm

Let the last rays of the sun bathe me in warmth

Let the waves wash away my dirt

Let the bubbles and foam uplift my soul

Let the wind blow my troubles away

Let the shape of the clouds take my eyes afar

Let the speckles of light dust me in their glitter

Let the smell of the air rush through my nose and rid me of smoke and choke

Let the darkness slowly overtake the light in a peaceful rhythm

Let the beauty of the Divine overwhelm me

O bring me to the sea

and let me be.

I wrote this while watching the sunset on youtube here, and listening to the evocative music playlist here. Click on the links if you want to feel what I felt. I miss the sea.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A little piece of sky.

If I'm away too long from nature, I get emotionally 'sick'. I need regular doses of un-manmade things. I need to look at big trees, clear skies, clouds, starry nights, sunsets, full moonlight, bodies of water and animals to stay sane. Do you?

Living in the city, even one like Shah Alam, I am deprived of many these very things that bring me happiness. On the 11th floor of an apartment that is ironically known as Riverview, my window looks out to the other apartment block and only allows about 20% view of the sky because MSU built a bloody building that covers what little is left of what can be seen from my window.

In order to survive, we have to improvise. My obsessive need for a glimpse of pleasure drives me to go to great lengths. Lying on the bed, I hang my head off the edge, as close as I can to the floor, to block out any human structures out of view. With my hands over my head, supporting my body from sliding to the floor, I do a Yoga-esque balance just to look at the sky.

But it was worth it. For one moment in time, I get to pretend I'm flying with the cottony clouds underneath me. I feel peace, albeit for just a while.

This is what it looks like lying upside down.

Last weekend, my parents, my younger sister Nani took a drive to Gopeng, Perak. We wanted to check out the school which she will be teaching at, starting the next day and years to come. She just got her posting as a French teacher there. We rarely drive up north, so I must say I'm pretty envious of the scenery. Just the day before, I was telling my sister, I wanted to see clear blue skies, streams, waterfalls, caves, mountains, animals, the sunset and a starry night sky. I got to see ALL of them on that stretch of highway.

The drive was only like less than 2 hours to reach the school. And the school, atop a hill, has a magnificent view of Banjaran Titiwangsa complete with ponds and flying birds. The school building is even reminisce of Enid Blyton's Malory Towers or Hogwarts. A square building with 4 'towers' and a courtyard in the middle.

The drive back, it was getting dark, and we a got a short glimpse of the fiery orange colour burst of dusk amidst trees and limestone rocks. Slowly the orange fades away to purple with ribbons of blue , red and all the colours available in God's palette, getting ready to draw night's dark velvet curtain.

Against the ink black backdrop, millions of twinkling bright lights scatter, some stars brighter than the others. Forming invisible paths playing join the dots with your eyes. I tried to squash my face against the window to get a better view, but my neck was starting to hurt. The soft pale glow of the moon, blue against my hands, casting playful shadows on my clothes. Amazing how the moon only just reflects the light from the sun without any light of its own, yet it still has this much light. Thank God, the Exora's windows are huge, so there's more surface for viewing.

Looking at nature, how perfectly beautiful it is, as it always is, Masya Allah. God is the greatest.

Friday, January 13, 2012

God, please help me.

I find it curiously amusing that when I look at the stats on my blog, this is what i found;

So there are a number of people on this planet who searched these words on the internet and found my blog. These statistics are for 'all time' since my blog started in 2005. As you can very well see, half of the keywords that led to my blog are along the lines of "God, please help me."

No, I am not surprised at the fact that there are people who type that in their browsers. In fact, I may have done so myself. What piques my interest, however, is I was wondering what did they find when they click on the link

Did they find what they were looking for? And a part of me is even worried that my writing might have misled them. I tried Googling the same exact keywords but my blog did not turn up in the results, maybe they were using a different browser or search engine. I am particularly interested in which entry of mine turned up as a result, but I didn't get it, my blog didn't come up at all in Google.

When I started this blog, it was merely a space for me to pen my thoughts as sort of a journal or diary. Writing helps calm me, a catharsis of sorts. It helps me deal with a lot of things, it clears my mind, sometimes even 'pujuk' me at times, but mostly its a way for me to wander inside my own imagination. I never expected to have an audience, let alone a following.

But my blog has done more than what I meant it to be. I found that my writing 'finds' people. Loved ones who had been lost for years, people who were strangers before and now are good friends, even people who are just wandering are connected by this little space. And that connection is what amazes me.

I hope, whoever comes across my blog, whether accidentally or on purpose, is touched in a good way by what they find here. I never meant to hurt anyone nor to lead them astray, my words are not religion, they are merely expressions of my thoughts and feelings. As I am only human, I am bound by flaws and mistakes.

So if you happen to type "God, please help me" in your search and happen to be directed to my blog, I wish to say to you;

Hello there friend, do not despair. HE will help you. For He is Most Gracious Most Merciful. Just be patient. There is nothing more worthy than His love and remember, we will all return unto Him. To serve Him is all that matters, nothing else. If you believe truly that there is none greater, than everything else is small in comparison. God bless.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My Colour Purple.

The colour purple reminds me of

sleeping underneath the moonlight

reading a book by the window with the rain on the window pane

watching a sunset by the beach

soothing acoustic songs by Mia Palencia

the early hours of the morning when everything is quiet and still

the smell of trees after the rain

when I open the window at night and the wind gently blows into my face

magical escapades to secret places

exotic flowers that smell heavenly

wrapped up in a cosy warm blanket

soft velvet cushions and drapes

an intricate golden mirror
the stars in the sky on a clear, quiet night

sitting on a rooftop and breathing slowly

lying on the grass and watching the starry night sky

the sound of waves by the sea

my feet sinking into wet sand

the clouds on a grey sky

candlelit conversations

holding hands in the dark

watching fireworks on the balcony

a mountaintop view of the lit up city at night

the reflection of the full moon on the surface of the ocean

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

3 Questions

I'm in the midst of reading Gisele Scanlon's The Goddess Experience. My adik tersayang, Nani gave it to me. Its thoroughly enjoyable for me because it sounds like something I would write or say, haha. To me, its a blog in book form about basically anything that she would like to talk about. What I would like to share however, are the 3 questions that she goes around asking people she meets.

1) What makes you happy?
Beauty. I love beauty in all its forms, be it people or things or places or experiences. Of course, the notion of beauty in my eye probably differs from other people. For instance, today, my colourful folders on my desk at the office brings me joy. On some other days, the colour of the blue sky makes my day.

2) What is luxury to you?
Silence. Its rare and very valuable. Peace and quiet allows me to indulge in things I love uninterrupted. Oh, and nature. Being close to nature is a luxury. Even looking at sunrise or a full moon or even a clear sky is something to rejoice in, because luxury to me is something that is not exactly a need but I want it, I want it, I want it.

3) What would you buy if you had a million bucks?
I like that she phrased the question that she used the word 'buy'. Because it basically means material, and it is so you do not feel guilty for not answering charity or an answer that would actually mean 'good deed'. Because the question really asks you 'so what do you want?' without judgement, because all humans have 'wants' apart from needs and since what others think are so imperial, we would answer the question with the 'right' answer instead of what we really would have. Maybe.

Well, I would buy my dream house. A beautiful house. Materialistically, I want to own a beautiful piece of property that I would call home. Yes that would be it. Although, being human, a million would hardly be enough for a house.

Why did I write this piece? its a very self centered one I know. I love to ask questions, I can find out a lot about a person and find out new things. But at times I also liked to be asked. And since nobody else is interested to know about me, I ask these to myself. Because when people are worrying about the world ending in 2012, I like to enjoy the world for what it is - worldly.