Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Get Lost

I listen to a song and I get lost.
I watch a movie or tv and I get lost
I hear a story and I get lost
I read a book and I get lost
I see a picture and I get lost
I go to a beautiful place and I get lost
I sleep and I get lost
It is so easy to get lost

I get lost in my head
Sometimes it is hard to snap back to reality
I get lost in stories
My own and some not

In my head,
I am anyone
In my head
I am anywhere
In my head
I can do anything

Beautiful places,
Beautiful faces,
Beautiful experiences

I am happy in the stories I create
But they’re all just in my head


Writing is purging. I have a lot to purge. What do you call it? Aaah yes, catharsis. Emotional catharsis, this is mine.

I have a lot of anger towards this country. The way it works. Actually more so because of the way it doesn’t work. It is not safe. It is not clean. It is not happy. But we are forced to believe it is so. And accept it as it is. And just live with this crumbling system.

Fear of not doing things I should.
Fear of doing things I shouldn’t
Fear of not going anywhere
Fear that I’m supposed to be elsewhere

I’m sad that I cant make my parents happy
Sad that I’m not earning
Sad that I’m always yearning
So sad my heart is burning
I’m doing it again, shit, I’m rhyming.

Longing to be somebody
Longing to be with somebody
Longing to be somewhere
Longing to be somewhere with somebody
Longing for all this crap to end
Or at least share this crap with someone
Who can help me believe maybe it’s not that crappy after all.

Pair of Despair

The pair of despair
Have quite a funny air
One has long hair
The other is neither here nor there

Pair of despair
Seems like you have no care
But inside, both of you are bare
To add to the pain, neither of you have enough fare

Pair of despair
Life has many stairs
Though it always seems unfair
We’ll go nowhere if we just stop and stare

Pair of despair
We’re both weary from wear and tear
This emptiness we have to bear
Our happiness lies out there, somewhere

Pair of despair
Maybe this burden, we could share
Because alone, neither of us would dare
To go beyond our comfort lair

Pair of despair
While I sit in this uncomfortable chair
In wonderment that is not so rare
Maybe we do make the perfect pair?


I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep. I want to live in my dreams. I had a weird dream last night. It was my wedding. I didn’t see who it was. Then when I finally met him, I hated him. He was ugly and arrogant. And stupid. But I was already married to him.

I slept early last night. I was angry. But I couldn’t sleep anyway. When it was morning, it was raining. I went back to sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up.

I am lazy and irresponsible.

Pairs. Pair of spectacles. Pair of shoes. Pair of bra.

I have no pair. That is impossible. God said he made everything in pairs! Surely I have a pair. Maybe he died. (Maybe he’s gay! :enol) Where is my pair God? When are you going to let me be with him? I am not good enough still? I’m sorry.

The Train Ride

I wrote this while on a komuter heading to Subang Jaya from Rawang on 21st July 2008.

I don’t have nice sketchbooks. Most designers I know have beautiful sketchbooks. I always have something to write on with me. Usually designers sketch a lot; they’re very visual by nature. I have lots and lots of notebooks filled with more words than pictures. I’m just more comfortable this way.

I take trains a lot too. Train rides are long and it always gives the right mood for writing. I live in my head most of the time. Train rides are perfect opportunity to get lost in your head. Amidst strangers with funny smells and funnier looks.

The clouds are grey. It’s going to rain soon. Rainy train rides on Monday afternoons.

Beautiful Places with Beautiful Colours.

I like to pretend. Pretend I’m someone else, in a different place doing different things. What kind of life would I like to lead?

I want a lot of things. I think everyone wishes for things. Ultimately, everyone wants to be happy, I think.

I want to live in a place with a beautiful view. Somewhere really high or by the sea. I want to travel the world and experience different lives. I want to be inspired and inspire others as well. I want to write or produce something, anything that involves the sharing of many stories. Mine and others.

I don’t know, sometimes I feel like writing, sometimes drawing, most of the time singing and dancing. I love movies and music. They give you all of that sensation, seeing, hearing, moving. I can just get lost in it.

I wish there was someone, who could share these experiences with me. Someone who shares the same sensations that I do in these experiences. Or at least be able to talk about it really well, making it an experience in itself. Its like a friend once said (yeah enol, its you), someone who understands to be silent when your favorite song is on the air and lets you enjoy that moment, even in the middle of a conversation.

Maybe its just wishful thinking. I sure hope not. Hopeless romantic am I? Maybe it doesn’t happen often. I don’t know, maybe I do have a rose tinted view on what love is. It is a connection, an invisible communication between 2 people. I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m being unrealistic maybe? Most marriages are horrible, I take it? Maybe the love I’m hoping for can only happen in heaven. In this world, its God’s way of saying “there is no greater love than Mine.” Or “you’re all screwed, but be good, I’ll give you the big prize at the end if you manage to survive all this crap without screwing yourselves in the process.”

So in essence, to find love, to find happiness, we must learn to love God in all his manifestations. It is not easy, but it is not hard either. You just have to have faith. And believe unconditionally.

One ugly thing I hate to see when on train rides are the dirty rivers. We are a filthy country. There’s trash everywhere. It’s disgusting.

I don’t want to work in KL. So much time is wasted with just doing nothing. Just waiting. Waiting for transport. Waiting for people on transport. Waiting to transport people. I want to work far away, in another state or country maybe. Where the food is cheap and the air is fresher and the skies are blue and the water clear. KL is so dirty. Dirty place, dirty people with dirty hands and dirty minds. Yeah, sure, I can’t handle stress. Really? I call this stress unnecessary. Why should I choose to face this stress? There are always options. You choose.

Uplift Happy Soul.

Work – doing things I love. Having choices/ say/ power on how a thing goes. Work with time for inspiration, love, travel and self. Constant learning environment. Time to think. Time to decide. Time to have fun. Cooking, reading, dancing and traveling. Time to do what you love, including work.

I’m just killing time; I’ve been here in KL sentral for 2 hours. I couldn’t get on the train. Was packed so tight. Actually, just some inconsiderate people who don’t understand what “move to the middle of the car” means. Idiotic idiots who don’t understand the courtesy of using public transport.

Beautiful things. I want to make beautiful things.

Maldives. Just far away from this constant chaos. I can’t handle chaos. Heck, the name Irina means Peaceful. Go figure. Doesn’t look like I can get on the train anytime soon. Jostling shoving people. It sucks to be short. I could get a panic attack thinking I cannot breathe and might die amidst the evening smell of the KL masses. Why would anyone want to live in the city? I have no idea.

I love the book Secret Garden. It’s something about secret spaces where magic happens. Space where you can just get lost in your own world. I need a person who understands that. An understanding of why certain things had to be done a certain way or at least be able to argue intelligently about it. Intelligence is a rare quality. Sorry, I meant to be rude. I can’t find people who could hold my interest for long. People are boring. Or I’m just a skeptic.

I have watched 4 trains pass. I can’t get in. I don’t want to. This is crazy! How the hell am I getting home? Should I go to the other side so I could board the train 2 stations before? Or just waste this ticket and get on the LRT instead?

The people are getting more and more. Why can’t they have more trains during peak hours? Or at least add more cars to the train? Why can’t the idiot in charge and his team think up of a solution to this ever occurring problem? 5 trains. Tunggulah lagi.

I live in a country run by stupid people. Product of a stupid educational system that produces stupid people. Am I right? Or am I being over cynical? The people here prefer to bear with the problems and have no initiative or creativity or innovation whatsoever to think up of solutions to problems as soon as possible. Even the people responsible think that other people are responsible to fix the problems they created in the first place. Nobody cares to fix it. This country is run by idiots. The systems are archaic!!!

Failed Systems Run By Idiots.

Everything doesn’t work. Nobody has any idea to manage all these careless people. Stupid careless people who don’t care to clean their own shit and expect others to clean it up for them.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

sayang aku

sayang itu apa?
adakah berpegangan, berpelukan, berciuman itu tanda sayang?
kalau tidak bersentuhan, tidak boleh sayang kah?

tandanya aku sayang,
aku ingin pelihara kau dari kejahatan
jauhkan kau dari godaan

semestinya aku sayang,
jika dalam doaku saban saat nama kau aku sebutkan

memang aku sayang,
aku mahu kau gembira dan menempuh kejayaan

aku sayang,
aku mahu kau menjadi insan disayangi Tuhan

percayalah aku sayang,
jika perasaan aku masih bisa kau goreskan

jika aku tidak sayang,
tidak aku peduli apa yang kau katakan

kalau aku tak sayang,
lenyaplah kau dari ingatan

kalau benar aku tak sayang,
tiada apa harus kucoretkan

benarkah aku tak sayang?
jikalau itu, jawablah pada aku, mengapa aku masih ada disini?
what happened to my love?


mengapa jiwa ini rapuh,
ditiup saja, roboh.

mengapa otak ini bodoh,
tak mampu melawan keluh.

mengapa hati ini sakit,
semua segala jadi pahit.

megapa badan ini longlai lembik penat,
sedang banyak perlu ku buat.

mengapa semangatku menyerah,
tanpa sikit pun dikerah.

mengapa perasaanku kacau,
nak aja aku jadi sasau

mengapa aku segan,
berhadapan beban beban.

mengapa selalu di awangan,
menggunungkan harapan,
sedang apa yang di depan,
tak pula aku jadikan.

megapa tiada rasa disayangi,
aku tak faham, irin, kau nak ape lagi??????

Thursday, July 10, 2008

random - revenge of the right brain

clarks. pay survey please. start testing. do questionnaire. need food. birthday present. celebrate. take Sarvi to dinner. kakireka tomorrow? hide out. design blog. write review. want house. hold me. music. damn laptop speakers. mia palencia. laura. drink. apartment. Design Circus. singapore. pie. redang. Nani nani nani, i miss u. thesis. unisel. did i get the job or not? beach. freelance. boxes. cake. boxes. design. print and pattern. expensive bras. nice house.water. lake. ocean. island. teach. design. mak n bapak. GOD GOD GOD. get a job. finish thesis. need music. shop for furniture. food. shafik. hell. God. happy. friends? urgh. malas. really good food. fashion. dress. money. shoes. bags. donuts. ship. move. travel. island. beach house. swim. sea. moon. cook. teach. write. design. talk. research. cakebox. pay me. sing. dance. love. hate. play. breathe. God. try. choose. act. pray now. stop nonsense. company. enol. be alone. give time. live. read. walk. run. float. fly fly fly. sunfaith. moondream. mindship. loveheart. camera. picture. painting. drawing. decorate k nuruls hse. my room. purple. bedsheet. curtains. my own place. stationery. colourful. quirky. design. job. idea factory. ina. baby. cakes candles happy laughter. presents. singing. friends. party. norman. move. goodbye. God God God. contact lenses. cookie monster. optimus prime. berjaya times square. clarks. 258. money. pay survey. questionnaire. time time time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG - Oh My God

Back in school, sigh...
turned 27 over the weekend
that's a lot of years, so many things have happened, or could have, or didn't
tomorrow is a mystery, yesterday is history, today is a gift, that's why we call it the "present".
Been living life, dealing with it one day at a time
always wishing for something better
trying to make it all happen, just trying, no matter how little,
tho it never seems enough, and it gets harder along the way

Don't know what's true anymore
Just holding on to kalimah Lailaha illallah, Muhammad rasullullah
its the only thing i know is true
everything else.... i don't know
Hope, Faith, Try and Choose
been travelling more, seeing new places, meeting new people, doing new things
still at night i cry
only God knows why, coz i sure as hell don't

All praises are for You, Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang,
You are the ruler of the Last Day
Only You I worship, and only from You i seek help
Please show me the right way, help me make the right choices
the way of those You love and not those You condemn

Please take care of my parents, senang dan tenangkan hati mereka
permudahkan segala urusan mereka
Please help my family, be closer to You and get farther away frm what You dislike
My friends, my teachers and their family too
Forgive us, for truly, we are just plain ignorant and weak
Please love us, for only You are capable of love that is boundless
Help us, for we are in dire need of help
Truly, we cannot live without You

I give my heart to You
I should give my everything
I'm still learning, still trying
I'm very slow, sorry
And i keep making the same mistakes
over and over and over again
You know this, for You knoweth all
Just dont let me forget You, an inkling of a second even
For only one is True, and that is You.

I will try and i will try
I can only try
Just try.