Friday, April 27, 2007

I dream of a marriage that would save me. Truth is, there’s no such thing. My mind’s so messed up that any other person can’t do anything to help me. I dream that everything will be fine when I get married. I mean. You can have sex then, right? It’s suppose to relieve some stress and balance your hormone or something?

I keep on thinking, how much longer do I have to wait till that moment of happiness. I’ll be brain dead by then. But really, it’s hoping for too much aint it?
Marriages are not like that. You don’t expect your partner to save you, right? No one can save you from yourself. If that person can’t handle you now, he probably won’t later.

I dream that it will all be okay if I get married. I won’t be so, so … screwed up. Maybe I’ll finally be happy. I thought maybe he’ll have the solutions to all these problems. He’ll have the answers and help me through this shit.

But that’s not what its like at all. You don’t go into a marriage hoping to dump your shit on someone else.

He can’t help. He won’t. He wouldn’t know how to.

But why can’t it be like that? Why can’t he make it all better?

Coz only I can make it better. I have to be happy with what I have and not what I don’t. I’m not happy because I’m not thankful with all the blessings He has given me.

Why am I so logic? Sometimes I wish I’m not. I wish I could just be angry at everything and not have myself answering my own questions.

Because I’m smart. That’s why. When you’re smart. You know too much, you think too much. If you’re not so smart, not so many things bother you. That’s why all those bimbos can afford to smile and be happy all the time. There’s not that many things that they have to think about that can bother them and mess their head or hair. I think of too many things and it messes my system. And when my systems in turmoil, so does my look, making me ugly to look at (serabut) which then makes me stressed out even more coz people don’t like to look or interact with ugly people (people who are serabut). Which makes everything else go wrong and no one will help coz you’re scaring them away.

Still hoping for that fairy godmother. That knight in shining armour. To save me and make everything beautiful and alright.

That is not how it is. Reality bites. Truth sucks!

You’ll get married. You’ll finally get to have sex. Then you’ll think its really not what its hyped up to be. Its probably boring even. You will have breakdowns hoping your husband will understand and support you. But he wont. He will ignore your ‘breakdowns’ because its sooo common and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he does nothing. He might get tired of it and wished for the happier person you were before. Then he’ll meet someone who’s not so screwed, maybe a bimbo who’s smiling and laughing and has no problems with the world. He’ll decide that the girl is less stressfull and more beautiful anyway. Something like how his wife was before he got married to her. Not realizing that the girlfriend would also be like the wife later on.

You hope to turn to your friends, who by now have their own families and problems and wonder why YOU still cant get over yours. She will probably think, “Besides, we haven’t seen each other so long because you were so busy with your boyfriend you didn’t have time to lepak together and I don’t really want to hear her talk about her problems, I’d rather talk about mine. She deserves whatever happened to her anyway.”

You’ll get depressed which makes you ugly which makes people hate you. Then you realize the only thing you have control over is the house, therefore you clean it, rearrange it, make it nice. It’s the only thing that helps you deal with everything else that’s out of your control. Then there’s you, yourself. It’s like a drug. A temporary high. The short bursts of pleasure that makes you forget everything for a fleeting while. For a short moment, you forget all your troubles. Until it comes crashing down again and you hate yourself for it.

Oh, and you’ll have kids. They are a nightmare but you’ll love them beyond anything. You try and warn them about the evil world, but they’ll never listen to you. (Then you’ll finally understand why your parents were the way they were with you and forgive them.) And (the children) they’ll do the same mistakes you did or maybe even worse. They will hate you for being right but somehow they still love you in a weird resentment kind of way. And they will leave. Then they return, ask for money. Then they leave. Then they return. Then YOU’ll leave.

Cos you’re dead.
Harry and I

The place he hates most is the safest place for him. The Dursley’s are his worst nightmare. They abuse him mentally, physically and spiritually. He is undernourished with no company. He has no one there who cares for him. He hates Dumbledore for making him stay there and he doesn’t understand why he has to stay. But that is the only place where he is safe from his worst enemy Voldemort. There, Voldemort can’t get him. Voldemort can’t kill him if he is in the Dursley’s house.

I just realized how much I’m like Harry. I hate it here in this house. No one here cares. There is no proper food. I’m alone in my room most of the time crying, writing, and sleeping. At least he has Hedwig. I don’t even have a means of telecommunication. My phone is broken and there’s no internet whatsoever. I can go crazy by myself here. And Carmen is bad company. But I’m safe here. There’s a reason why God put me here in this house in Shah Alam. I asked to be saved many times before from this hell. Truth is, I am saved, and that’s why I’m here. I’m safe here where the only thing to hurt me is myself. If I were somewhere else, I’d be worse. I’d be a whore. A slut. A bohsia. If I were somewhere else, I would be that person who is an alcoholic, is promiscuous and doing drugs. I’d probably be sleeping in drains and sidewalks. I’d be the one who threw her newborn baby in the trash. Sell my body for cash. All the evils are Voldemort. And it could kill me. Because I would do those things.

Harry and Voldemort are alike in many ways. What differentiates them are their choices.

I am saved because none of my friends ever invited me to do vice. Even if sometimes I do wish I could try some, a bit. But I have never had any access to any of it. The only guy I ever known who is the only person to be my boyfriend is Shafik. If it wasn’t him, I’d be banged up and pregnant now. I have no other guys who could be my boyfriend. I rarely meet people and none of them even came close to being anything near to a boyfriend. I don’t smoke, drink or have sex. Not really because I don’t want to. I’ve never had a chance to make a choice even. I am protected without me really knowing it. Given the chance, I would try it. Dumbledore knows that.

The only other place where Dumbledore trusts Harry to be safe is the Weasleys. Enol’s family is the Weasley’s to me. It is a sanctuary and haven for me. And where I eat proper food. And Enol is Ron. Enough said. But of course, I can’t stay there.

Then there is school. For Harry its Hogwarts, for me it’s UiTM. I love being in school. Harry learns magic. My magic is called Art and Design. Which is something I do and love. I may not be the best student but this is where I belong.
And there are friends. Nadiah is Hermione, she helps me with my homework. So is Rozarina, she gets me out of trouble and she’s the one with brilliant ideas. The others from Gryffindor. There’s Muzamir, Shahnim, Sarvi, Maryam, Azhar, Muhammad, Effa and many many more which makes the experience worthwhile. And the lecturers are really great. Dr Kamy. En Ramli, En Omar, En Sharkawi, Mr Ronaldi, Prof Tamyez, Babe……. Fortunately there isn’t a Snape, haha.

I hate it here but I’m safe here. I’ve had attacks from Dementors (org jahat masuk rumah) trying to hurt me but I survived it. This is not a good condition for me but elsewhere it’d be worse.

If Harry has Sirius Black, Pie is my Sirius. She’s the one with the wisdom because she’s out there living it. She faced a lot of evils and challenges before. She’s the strong one with a lot of experience which makes her more mature than me in many ways. Which also makes me a baggage to her somehow? And someday, Harry will lose Sirius. Though I hope that would never happen but things do change. Gee is Lupin.

My point of the story is, although I hate it here, this is the one place that I am safe. Safe from being someone else I could’ve been if I’m not here. I didn’t get it before, now I do. Why am I alone? Ultimately we are all alone in this world. God put me here for a reason. He is protecting me. But one day, I will have to face Voldemort. And I hope by then, I am strong enough to make the right choices.

P/s: if none of this makes sense to you, I suggest you pick up the book and read it. It’s more than just a story, it’s life. Thank you JK Rowling.

I have to do this

1)I have to figure out how to set up an online resource on Malaysian Art & Design for the Faculty of Art & Design UiTM.

What are the contents?
How and where to get them?
What do I need to know to make one?
Who are the people I need, where can I find them?
Will they be cooperative?
How long?
How much money?

2)I have to set up a business.

Which kind? Tshirt? Stationeries? Boxes? Design firm? Keropok Lekor?
How and where do I get the materials?
How much money?
Who are the people who will want to do this with me?
Will they be good?

Instead, all I really want is to

3)Be Beautiful
4)Snog my hubby
5)Eat , sleep and play

And I’m so so torn up inside because

1)I want to go to heaven
2)I have to make money coz I may have to take care of the 3 children (my niece and nephews) and put them through school and make sure they grow up being humans.
3)I don’t know who I’ll be married to and when and if he will be supportive enough with everything I have to do. Will he be my partner and help me through this? Or he’ll be too busy chasing his own dreams and wanting his own thang? Coz then I have to support himla. This is a long term commitment we’re talking about.
4)I don’t know how to do all this, I really don’t have any idea!!!!
5)Am I supposed to do this all by myself?? I need help!!!! Who will???

(nymph © 2007 Timothy Lantz)

Just thought of you and what we used to share,
Its all in the past now
Now we’ve gone our separate ways
You were a big part of me then
Didn’t know why it all had to end
We were crazy you and me
The paths our minds took
Was an adventure in itself
A journey that went beyond anything
We understood each other
More than anyone else could
I guess that’s why it had to end
Something so beautiful, to last, was never meant
Where else were we to go?
It was never right
Maybe it was me
You knew it all along
That I would come to love you
More that I should have
Thus where are we now?
Of course it’ll never be the same
You and me
If we ever meet again
We would know our smile meant something else
Funny how it was
We would have too much to talk about
There wasn’t enough time
Now we’re like strangers
With awkward smiles
And duck hugs
With nothing to say to each other
You, scared I’ll be that possessive person I was with you
Me, scared that you’re scared of me
If only I could tell you,
I was a kid back then
Thirsty for love
Any kind of love
It didn’t matter
I loved you too much I know
Something so beautiful
It only deserves to die.
You go on now,
Scaling the skies, catching the stars,
You were meant for bigger things,
Be happy with that smile,
that laugh I remember so well,,
I’m happy for you
Just hoping maybe one day
You wont fear me anymore
I now understand things I didn’t back then
Maybe one day we’ll meet each other
And the smile will be the one of yesteryear
With twinkles in the eye and wrinkles at the corner of our mouths
And we’ll talk about things past
It would all be of beautiful things
And maybe we could take that journey again
The one where our minds travel far and wide
But this time, I promise you,
I will never fall in love with you again.

Put them in boxes. Put everything in boxes.
Clean up. Arrange.
Throw that away.
Move that here.
Move this thing there.
Do you need this? Throw it.
Lets put it here.
Why the hell would you need this?
You don’t need this now, you wont be needing it in the future.
AAAAArgh!!! Get it out! Get it out!
Why did you keep it here?
Please throw all this sampah!
Box it.
By colour, by size. By species. By priority.
U always use it? Put it somewhere near.
Not always? Put it further.
Have a sumbat box.
Just be convenient for your flow.
No, you don’t need that.
Why is it all mixed up?
See, that’s much better right?
Isn’t it much easier to move now?
So now you now where everything goes.
Aaaah…. Don’t u just love your room?

I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to clean things, arrange things. Put them in order. Even other people’s things. Especially other people’s things. I’ve done it a couple of times, I enjoy it thoroughly and so will the owner of the room/ house. Seriously I could make your space way better to live in. Want me to makeover your space? I’ll do it for a small fee. RM50 if you’re a friend. Below 100 for standard size rooms. Negotiable. Depending on the level of mess. I even do toilets. I get them super clean. U don’t even need to buy anything new! I’ll just use anything you have. I might need transport to get to your place though. I’ve never had an unsatisfied customer before. Only girls, ladies or women with families may apply. I don’t do guys, for safety reasons. Oh, and I’m not a maid, I’m a professional. Let me Pimp Your Room!!