Friday, April 27, 2007

I dream of a marriage that would save me. Truth is, there’s no such thing. My mind’s so messed up that any other person can’t do anything to help me. I dream that everything will be fine when I get married. I mean. You can have sex then, right? It’s suppose to relieve some stress and balance your hormone or something?

I keep on thinking, how much longer do I have to wait till that moment of happiness. I’ll be brain dead by then. But really, it’s hoping for too much aint it?
Marriages are not like that. You don’t expect your partner to save you, right? No one can save you from yourself. If that person can’t handle you now, he probably won’t later.

I dream that it will all be okay if I get married. I won’t be so, so … screwed up. Maybe I’ll finally be happy. I thought maybe he’ll have the solutions to all these problems. He’ll have the answers and help me through this shit.

But that’s not what its like at all. You don’t go into a marriage hoping to dump your shit on someone else.

He can’t help. He won’t. He wouldn’t know how to.

But why can’t it be like that? Why can’t he make it all better?

Coz only I can make it better. I have to be happy with what I have and not what I don’t. I’m not happy because I’m not thankful with all the blessings He has given me.

Why am I so logic? Sometimes I wish I’m not. I wish I could just be angry at everything and not have myself answering my own questions.

Because I’m smart. That’s why. When you’re smart. You know too much, you think too much. If you’re not so smart, not so many things bother you. That’s why all those bimbos can afford to smile and be happy all the time. There’s not that many things that they have to think about that can bother them and mess their head or hair. I think of too many things and it messes my system. And when my systems in turmoil, so does my look, making me ugly to look at (serabut) which then makes me stressed out even more coz people don’t like to look or interact with ugly people (people who are serabut). Which makes everything else go wrong and no one will help coz you’re scaring them away.

Still hoping for that fairy godmother. That knight in shining armour. To save me and make everything beautiful and alright.

That is not how it is. Reality bites. Truth sucks!

You’ll get married. You’ll finally get to have sex. Then you’ll think its really not what its hyped up to be. Its probably boring even. You will have breakdowns hoping your husband will understand and support you. But he wont. He will ignore your ‘breakdowns’ because its sooo common and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he does nothing. He might get tired of it and wished for the happier person you were before. Then he’ll meet someone who’s not so screwed, maybe a bimbo who’s smiling and laughing and has no problems with the world. He’ll decide that the girl is less stressfull and more beautiful anyway. Something like how his wife was before he got married to her. Not realizing that the girlfriend would also be like the wife later on.

You hope to turn to your friends, who by now have their own families and problems and wonder why YOU still cant get over yours. She will probably think, “Besides, we haven’t seen each other so long because you were so busy with your boyfriend you didn’t have time to lepak together and I don’t really want to hear her talk about her problems, I’d rather talk about mine. She deserves whatever happened to her anyway.”

You’ll get depressed which makes you ugly which makes people hate you. Then you realize the only thing you have control over is the house, therefore you clean it, rearrange it, make it nice. It’s the only thing that helps you deal with everything else that’s out of your control. Then there’s you, yourself. It’s like a drug. A temporary high. The short bursts of pleasure that makes you forget everything for a fleeting while. For a short moment, you forget all your troubles. Until it comes crashing down again and you hate yourself for it.

Oh, and you’ll have kids. They are a nightmare but you’ll love them beyond anything. You try and warn them about the evil world, but they’ll never listen to you. (Then you’ll finally understand why your parents were the way they were with you and forgive them.) And (the children) they’ll do the same mistakes you did or maybe even worse. They will hate you for being right but somehow they still love you in a weird resentment kind of way. And they will leave. Then they return, ask for money. Then they leave. Then they return. Then YOU’ll leave.

Cos you’re dead.

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