Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Only by HIS Will, Grace and Mercy.

The doctors words last Wednesday was heart breaking.

"Your uterus is empty. It doesn't even look pregnant."

How can you hear that and not break down? I broke. But I had to be ready for ANY possibilities.

Then on Thursday evening around 6.30 pm at the office, I went to the toilet and saw that I was bleeding. I wasn't in pain. It looked like menses.

Friday morning, we went to PPUM to see Prof Eugene. I was feeling better that morning. Happier. After a thorough questioning, we went for an ultrasound.

"There, can see your baby," Prof Eugene said, showing at the monitor a small dot.

Izham and Mama were in the room, ecstatic of course.

Estimated at 6 weeks and 6 days. But still unable to detect a heartbeat.

The doctor advised me to be warded to run more tests and scans because of the bleeding to rule out any other reason for it and to make sure the pregnancy was viable.

Funny but a good thing, Mama was warded too on the same day, just a few rooms away from me, for her Asthma. I rarely am sick or admitted to a hospital so it is comforting to have someone I know within walking distance. Especially since most of the ward doctors don't think that I should be there at all. Like as if it is my choice to stay there for four days for the hospitality, warm bed and great food kah? I would rather stay under my husband's ketiak at home than at the hospital okay.

On Saturday, they sent me for another scan, this time from 'down under'. The last time I had a pap smear, it had to be done under General Anesthetic. It is excruciatingly painful for me. But for a while, a little heartbeat popped up on the monitor, and all the pain just went away. I have a life inside me! There is a baby and its okay! See! See! Then they said they were keeping me for another 2 days. I'm to go for another scan in another department on Monday. In the midst of tears I asked why? They wanted to be sure that the pregnancy was viable. Something about my HCG being extremely high and white blood in my urine or something.

During my stay in the hospital. I had a lot of time to think and contemplate. I share the room with 4 others, all with a worse condition than me. Wahida, Ling and Rosalyn. Yeah, we were truly one Malaysia. We bonded over toilet turns, wrong menu choice and the countless times we were poked, squeezed, inserted probes and had our blood taken. It was a blessing in a way, I didn't have to think about food or work. I could solat on time and just read the Quran while waiting for the next solat. I had time to read the tafsir, zikr and just have conversations with my Creator about anything and everything. My sadness, my worry, my gratefulness. HE is always listening, always knowing.

My husband came everyday, we talked, we laughed, we watched movies on the laptop. It was fun. He even filled his PSP with the Quran mp3 so I could listen to it anytime. My Bapak came. The haze was getting really bad everyday so I told my Bapak to not bring Mak because she has asthma and it would be really bad for her. My in laws came of course. I go to Mama's room sometimes just to chat. She got discharged on Sunday but she said they'll come pick me up on Monday.

Every morning when the doctors do their rounds, I must say that I feel uncomfortable because they all think I shouldn't be warded. One particular doctor smirks every single time the main doctor asks why I'm there. She also thinks that the tests and scans were unnecessary. She cancelled my blood test on Sunday. I don't know, I'm not the doctor.

I was told to do another scan at another place on Monday, then I could go home. Monday afternoon, I was wheeled to a different building, went through the haze, omg. Everyday through the window I could see less and less. The scan was both on the belly and 'down there'. It was uncomfortable but not as painful as Saturday. Two cysts were found. And colour showed blood being pumped into the little heart. The baby is 7 weeks old and doing fine. Alhamdulillah! Allahu Akbar! I was discharged later in the evening around 6.30pm. After a long detour to avoid the traffic jams, and having dinner at sec 6, we finally reached home around 11pm.

We have been married for nearly 4 years. A lot of advice, tips and special food and drinks were given by our family, friends and students to help us conceive a child. And prayers from so many people who are so eager for us to have children. But we weren't in a rush, and we enjoyed our time together as much as we could, because we hardly knew each other before we got married. We had time to grow. Grow as individuals and grow as a couple. Especially this past year. Being honest of our flaws, fears and shortcomings, sharing our view of the future and coming to terms and accepting many many many things, especially our differences. Our hurtful truths that we try to keep from one another, thinking it is to protect and not hurt our partner and for fear than either one of us would leave for any of those reasons.

Faith. That was what kept it together, kept us going. Faith that whatever happened or will happen is all part of a bigger plan. God's plans. He is the Creator, the Designer, the Perfect Owner of All Knowledge and Time. All we have to do is trust HIM. Ask Allah for help and guidance and have faith that we are doing what is right.

It is only by Allah's Will, Grace and Mercy that this baby is possible. I have no idea how it's gonna go. I'm probably the most clueless person that you will ever meet. No matter how hard you strive, nothing will happen if Allah does not will it. I have no control over anything but I have utter and complete faith in Allah. And all He ever ask of me is to just worship Him and perform good deeds. That is all. Over  and over and over and over again in the Quran it is just that. Worship Allah and only Allah and do good deeds.

Because only by Allah's Will, only by Allah's Grace and only by Allah's Mercy is anything possible at all.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Some things happen that make you realize that everything else doesn't matter. All the troubles and worries you had before seem trivial. Like everything just went "Poof!!". It all seems so small now. 

But then when everything doesn't matter anymore, you kind of stop doing anything because it all seems worthless. So we have to remind ourselves again and again the reason why we are here, what we must do and where we are going.

I am here only to worship God. I must live my life the best way I can and make decisions that brings me closer to my destination, back to Him.

Though it may seem so clear so simple. We get lost along the way, we forget, we flawed. Return unto Allah. Again and again and again and again and again. Because there is only one reason, one cause, one solution, one end. 

May we all be able to get there. Allah knows best.

Only One Is True

19 June 2013, Wednesday

I just came back from the clinic Al Hikmah. After telling all the stuffs I could remember, if my 1st day of my last period was 30th march 2013, the baby should be 11 to 12 weeks by now.

Then I went to the next room for an ultrasound. My second one, the last one was last Monday at Nik Suzet, the doctor couldn’t find anything, but she tested my urine. Positive. Congratulations, she said.

Today, the doctor still could’nt find anything, in fact she said my uterus wasn’t a pregnant uterus. It was empty. It should be able to show by now. She made me take another urine test. It still tested positive.

She wrote a referral letter for me to go see a gynae. On it she wrote 'unable to visualize pregnancy’.        

I asked “Are there any other reasons that the test could be positive other than pregnancy?”

She said there are many reasons for a false positive, but usually not when taken more than twice. I took it 4 times. She said I need to go for a more thorough check.

I looked up false positive on the internet and there were many reasons why but it is very rare. But all the other reasons can be overruled except for some.

Thursday, 20th June 2013

I don’t know what to feel or think. It is only by His Grace and His Mercy that everything is able and possible.

Tawakkal. I leave it all up to you Allah. Most Knowing, Most Exhalted.

Tomorrow, I’ll be seeing Prof Eugene at PPUM. He used to be Mama’s OB Gynae. I have to be prepared for many possibilities.

LailahaillAllah. Only One thing is true.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Oh, The Agony of Joyful Things.

Monday, 17 June 2013.

Had terrible dreams last night, my heart was racing. It was like shocks and bombs and plunging knives into body parts. Not a good idea to watch Taken 2. In fact, not a good idea to watch Die Hard and Game Of Thrones. Woke up sometime in the middle of sleep, my feet were feeling ‘loose’, I don’t know how to describe it, like they were detached or gone, felt like hitting and constantly shaking it. Yayang woke up and sapu yusmira on my feet. My heart still unrest from the bombing, shooting and stabbing.

Then my stomach turned and growled. I felt so hungry. I turned the lights on and grabbed the tupperware with dates by the bed and started gnawing through them.
My head was thinking of baby names and preparing for my first class in midst of the shooting and stabbing. Woke up this morning feeling like a messed up ball of yarn, or more like the tangled hairs in the shower drain.

No, I don’t have morning sickness or cravings, please don’t hold that against me. My only pregnancy symptoms would be my out of breath speech and my heavy chest that have apparently turned into rocky boulders. That and my pee. And gas.

The first few days, sometime last week, I had a bad case of gas. Felt like an over sized balloon, I couldn’t walk or talk properly, sleeping was the worst, any direction didn’t matter. Just wished like I wanted to walk out of my body. I felt and looked HORRIBLE. Like Tweedledum and Tweedledee and Humpty Dumpty in hi def slow mo.

One night, while sitting on my bed, I mean, mattress (bed broke, different story), feeling terrible yet trying to convince myself that this is just psychological. I Zikr. I broke into tears. Then into loud sobs.

I called/ wailed for Yayang to come in to put on the Quran. He kinda panic and misheard that I was asking for my phone (wha??), so I bawled and wailed like a small kid throwing a tantrum “TOLOOONG PASANGGG QURAAAAAANNNN!!! WAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaaa!!!” and sobbed to my hearts content. Trying his best to comfort me,  “What’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong.”

“ Saaakitt perutttt… tsk, tsk.. sob sob,” complete with shaking shoulders effect.

“Ok, ok show me where.”

Yayang has this magical ability to ‘tarik angin’, loosely translated to ‘chuck wind’ out of someone. The moment he put his hands on my belly, he started to burp and pass wind continuously until his eyes were red and teary. This went on for a while, the ‘siphoning’ of air out from me, through him. Slowly I felt better and fell into a deep sleep after many many nights.

Yayang however, has to purge the ‘wind’ out of him. But there was just too much that he didn’t manage to purge it all. Whenever he does this, he gets really tired and if he didn’t succeed in purging all of it, he will be the one in pain.

The next day, my pain was all gone and I could move and talk like a normal person. The days onwards felt much better, happier. Different for Yayang however. But he managed to purge it all out by lunch. Thank you!

Last weekend was nice. Yayang made seafood butter fried rice on Saturday. Sooo sedap. We didn’t do much but it was such a nice day. I didn’t feel too good to go out and about. We watched movies and Runningman and just stayed home. Did normal house stuff. Like laundry. Lovely. Choice of movies were not that great to me (Kamen Riders vs Super Sentai????) but I slept through some of them anyway. Except Running Man. They have the ability to make me laugh so hard, my food went upwards. And I temporarily lose my breath, and vision. Maybe not a good idea either.

On Sunday, I followed Yayang to Amcorp, he had some toys to sell and repaint. (Rule: Only go to Amcorp when there is money to be made). I went to get my hair cut at the same place I dyed my hair early last year. Since we’re running low on funds, I just requested for a cut. No wash or treatment or whatever. Chemicals are bad for the baby too. I don’t like the way that he cut my hair and the result, to me, is so sad. My hair was almost to my waist, I asked for shoulder length with a slight fringe, but he chopped it off until below my ears and straight all around. And he did it quite, emm, nonchalantly. All in less than 10 minutes, he didn’t even blow dry it after. How rude. 30 ringgit, my foot. Not pretty. 

Wearing flats. Also not pretty. I want pretty flats.

Oohh, Thank you Hanan and Raiha for 'mobbing' our house and bringing food and staying for the movie. Friends who can come and mob your house are definitely lifelong family friends.

Friday, June 14, 2013


Thursday, june 13 2013

I try to make it routine now that when I come back from work, after Maghrib prayers, dinner then after Isya’, to read the Quran. I continued from where I last stopped. Yayang turns on the Quran mp3 when we sleep. I try my best not to miss any prayers.

That part is where I have control over.

It is my work that I’m worried about. I’m quite unhappy when at the office. I’m bored eventhough I have lots to do. I don’t look fwd to it, even teaching. I find that I loathe the company of people.

I just want to go away to somewhere secluded and quiet with minimum human interaction for this whole entire pregnancy. And beyond. Go somewhere with lots of trees, surrounded by nature. Where I can just read, walk and write.

Forgive me for my thoughtlessness.