The doctors words last Wednesday was heart breaking.
"Your uterus is empty. It doesn't even look pregnant."
How can you hear that and not break down? I broke. But I had to be ready for ANY possibilities.
Then on Thursday evening around 6.30 pm at the office, I went to the toilet and saw that I was bleeding. I wasn't in pain. It looked like menses.
Friday morning, we went to PPUM to see Prof Eugene. I was feeling better that morning. Happier. After a thorough questioning, we went for an ultrasound.
"There, can see your baby," Prof Eugene said, showing at the monitor a small dot.
Izham and Mama were in the room, ecstatic of course.
Estimated at 6 weeks and 6 days. But still unable to detect a heartbeat.
The doctor advised me to be warded to run more tests and scans because of the bleeding to rule out any other reason for it and to make sure the pregnancy was viable.
Funny but a good thing, Mama was warded too on the same day, just a few rooms away from me, for her Asthma. I rarely am sick or admitted to a hospital so it is comforting to have someone I know within walking distance. Especially since most of the ward doctors don't think that I should be there at all. Like as if it is my choice to stay there for four days for the hospitality, warm bed and great food kah? I would rather stay under my husband's ketiak at home than at the hospital okay.
On Saturday, they sent me for another scan, this time from 'down under'. The last time I had a pap smear, it had to be done under General Anesthetic. It is excruciatingly painful for me. But for a while, a little heartbeat popped up on the monitor, and all the pain just went away. I have a life inside me! There is a baby and its okay! See! See! Then they said they were keeping me for another 2 days. I'm to go for another scan in another department on Monday. In the midst of tears I asked why? They wanted to be sure that the pregnancy was viable. Something about my HCG being extremely high and white blood in my urine or something.
During my stay in the hospital. I had a lot of time to think and contemplate. I share the room with 4 others, all with a worse condition than me. Wahida, Ling and Rosalyn. Yeah, we were truly one Malaysia. We bonded over toilet turns, wrong menu choice and the countless times we were poked, squeezed, inserted probes and had our blood taken. It was a blessing in a way, I didn't have to think about food or work. I could solat on time and just read the Quran while waiting for the next solat. I had time to read the tafsir, zikr and just have conversations with my Creator about anything and everything. My sadness, my worry, my gratefulness. HE is always listening, always knowing.
My husband came everyday, we talked, we laughed, we watched movies on the laptop. It was fun. He even filled his PSP with the Quran mp3 so I could listen to it anytime. My Bapak came. The haze was getting really bad everyday so I told my Bapak to not bring Mak because she has asthma and it would be really bad for her. My in laws came of course. I go to Mama's room sometimes just to chat. She got discharged on Sunday but she said they'll come pick me up on Monday.
Every morning when the doctors do their rounds, I must say that I feel uncomfortable because they all think I shouldn't be warded. One particular doctor smirks every single time the main doctor asks why I'm there. She also thinks that the tests and scans were unnecessary. She cancelled my blood test on Sunday. I don't know, I'm not the doctor.
I was told to do another scan at another place on Monday, then I could go home. Monday afternoon, I was wheeled to a different building, went through the haze, omg. Everyday through the window I could see less and less. The scan was both on the belly and 'down there'. It was uncomfortable but not as painful as Saturday. Two cysts were found. And colour showed blood being pumped into the little heart. The baby is 7 weeks old and doing fine. Alhamdulillah! Allahu Akbar! I was discharged later in the evening around 6.30pm. After a long detour to avoid the traffic jams, and having dinner at sec 6, we finally reached home around 11pm.
We have been married for nearly 4 years. A lot of advice, tips and special food and drinks were given by our family, friends and students to help us conceive a child. And prayers from so many people who are so eager for us to have children. But we weren't in a rush, and we enjoyed our time together as much as we could, because we hardly knew each other before we got married. We had time to grow. Grow as individuals and grow as a couple. Especially this past year. Being honest of our flaws, fears and shortcomings, sharing our view of the future and coming to terms and accepting many many many things, especially our differences. Our hurtful truths that we try to keep from one another, thinking it is to protect and not hurt our partner and for fear than either one of us would leave for any of those reasons.
Faith. That was what kept it together, kept us going. Faith that whatever happened or will happen is all part of a bigger plan. God's plans. He is the Creator, the Designer, the Perfect Owner of All Knowledge and Time. All we have to do is trust HIM. Ask Allah for help and guidance and have faith that we are doing what is right.
It is only by Allah's Will, Grace and Mercy that this baby is possible. I have no idea how it's gonna go. I'm probably the most clueless person that you will ever meet. No matter how hard you strive, nothing will happen if Allah does not will it. I have no control over anything but I have utter and complete faith in Allah. And all He ever ask of me is to just worship Him and perform good deeds. That is all. Over and over and over and over again in the Quran it is just that. Worship Allah and only Allah and do good deeds.
Because only by Allah's Will, only by Allah's Grace and only by Allah's Mercy is anything possible at all.
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