Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Inevitably and Irrevocably.

I am addicted to mindmaps. I mindmap everything, my lessons, my plans, my life.... it works well with the way my brain functions. Awhile back, my friend Rozarina after reading The Secret started on a vision poster craze and invited me to join the frenzy. Basically the simple rule is that if you want something (your life) to be a certain way, you ask for it bad enough and the cosmos will align itself to suit your needs and fulfill your wish. Translation, to me, its like, we pray really hard for something and God will grant it. I wanted to make my own vision poster so, as usual, I started with a mindmap.

I mindmapped my dream life, my dream home, my dream job.... and true enough, some of it came true, Alhamdulillah. I got a job that fits all the description of my dream job in my mindmap, although i never specified what the job really was.

I just entered a new relationship. With Encik Izham Aris. My colleague who sits next to me. Hehe, ironic isn't it? There wasn't any flirting or courting whatsoever, we've never been on a date even. He was in a relationship with a wonderful person. Yes, to the unknowing, it would just mean one thing, I am the office bitch who stole someone else's boyfriend. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I was actually wooing someone else, anyone who follows my blog, would probably notice that I had an infatuation with another person, haha, bt that is not the story here.

But as my friend Enol would put it, when God wants something to happen, He can make it happen really fast and easy, even though it seems impossible. 2 weeks. That was all it took. Everything just fell into place with ease. From being just good friends to soon to be married. How? Well, I asked him to marry me, twice. In 2 languages. First time was during the King's birthday and the second time was that following Saturday. He said yes last Sunday, finally.

The story sounds cold doesn't it?

Is it rebound? You ask. Yes, I just got out of a 6 year relationship which I ended last February and only really got over it last August, the day he graduated. He is happy with someone else now and I know that she is better for him than I ever could be. And that is all I could wish for.

Isn't it too early? too fast? Are u sure?

So many questions to consider when you are thinking of getting married. But when the time comes.... Blaaaghhhh!!! All the questions just disappear and well, you just know.

Izham Aris. I have no idea how we came to be. I did not see this coming. I wasn't even trying. I'm sorry if this doesn't sound romantic at all. You were a good friend. The more we spoke to each other, the more we realized how much we are alike and how we believe in the same things and want the same things. Soulmates. But as you said, its rare to find your soulmate in this lifetime, and even when you do, it does not mean that you'll end up together. I still cannot explain how it all happened. I, Irina, the maestro of words usually, am at loss for words to explain this phenomena. I still can't, even if i tried. This does not make any sense I know.

Encik Izham, you broke every wall I have ever built around myself to keep myself from harm, from hurt.

I have a mindmap of my dream partner. As Enol is my witness, she has listened to the tales of this imaginary guy I conjured. Haha. The perfect guy. There is no perfect guy in this world, yes. But this maginary person, I build him up in my head to be so perfect that it is impossible that such a person could exist. But that is exactly why I created this person. If he is perfect, then he doesn't exist. And if he doesn't exist, I will never be broken hearted. My Amas Veritas. (Practical Magic, spell for true love)

I was looking for this mindmap I did, to see if Izham fits any of the description of my perfect guy. Because ironically, magically, he does. Even down to the little mangarut details. But when I finally found the mindmap, this is what I had actually written; "My husband, yang terbaik untukku, dr Allah, Maha Mengetahui, teman yang membahagiakan."

I never actually wrote about my dream guy in my mindmap. I talked about him a lot. So much so that I really thought I must have written about him somewhere. But when the time came to map it, I just left everything up to God. The best from HIM, for me. And that was all.

And that is why, Izham Aris, I am not able to express why or what it is I feel about you even though I may be the most expressive person to most people. I cannot explain to my friends or to my readers even, how it all happened. Only those who bear witness to the events would know and understand why things happened the way they did. How God's plan fall into place at the right time and the right place.

Izham Aris, I don't know what challenges lie ahead, and I don't know if I'm able to face it. But I do know one thing for sure. How I became sure of it, I have no idea. I want to spend my lifetime with you, the good, the bad, the ugly, I want to share it with you. And my answer is yes.

Only one thing is true. Allah. And He is Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Yang Mengatur segala sesuatu. "Only Thee we worship, and only from Thee we ask for help. Please show us the right path. The path of those whom Thou hast favoured, not of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray." (Al Fatiha)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

let me wallow for a while.

Seharusnya aku gembira, bersyukur kerana doaku makbul
Seharusnya aku tidak terkesan, kerana aku telah bersedia bahawa ia akan berlaku
Seharusnya aku tersenyum, kerana dia menjumpai bahagia
Tetapi hakikatnya, apa yang aku rasa, sakitnya hanya Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui
Mengapa? Aku tahu hari ini akan datang, dan aku telah berjanji untuk untuk menerimanya dengan hati yang lapang dan riang kerana inilah yang kita ingin kecapi, kebahagiaan untuk yang disayang.
Tidak mengapa, sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Kerana aku tahu, I did what i was meant to do.
Ini semua ditelah ditentukan olehNya.
Semestinya, semua yang berlaku pasti mendatangkan kebaikan pada semua
Kerana semua pihak ikhlas dan redha dgn ketentuan Ilahi.
Aku sakit, tapi aku tahu ia adalah yang benar.
Demi kebahagiaan.
Sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Dunia ini terlalu sementara.
Kita harus hidup sebaiknya.

I'll heal
But just let me wallow for a while
I know I did what I had to do
If you really love him, set him free,
and if he returns in time, You'll know he's yours.
and if he doesn't, it was never meant to be.

I'll end this chapter of my life. I'll not write about it anymore, maybe.
But my last words are, you were always in my prayer, and all i ask for was for you to be happy. I still mean what i said, that you deserve someone better, and maybe you will understand why i said that, as u embark on your new chapter, I am sure, she is someone better for you. Good luck and take care. You will always be a part of my life that i cherish. My thoughts of you are only those that are happy and good and i will keep it that way, and that is why i chose to end it the way i did, by silence. I'm sorry for everything, i mean well, Goodbye.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

hook, line and sinker

I’m like a hook. I get hooked so easily. Maybe its cos I lost my rock. I’ve been a lost hook looking for anything to get close enough to latch myself onto ever since. Like those ‘kemuncup’ in the grass, that gets hooked on your jeans. I’ve just been pulled out and thrown away.

I knew it was going to be a mistake, or is it? When I get hooked, I pour. When I pour, I give everything. And at the end somehow, I feel lost again. I give my all and then it feels like so much of you is gone. I thought it isn’t supposed to be that way. I thought when u give love, u get a lot back. Then how come I’m feeling so empty?

So empty that I have to fill it up with whatever I could find.

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to the school holidays. I like school. I like going to work. I like seeing my students. Bloody hell, I love seeing my students. Happy tak terkata. Chisss. I’m gonna miss them. Monyet btul la!.

I just started teaching 3 months ago. The end of the semester is near and I’m dreading it beyond anything you can imagine. They are my first ever students DG02. Shitla. This isn’t supposed to happen. I got hooked on them. I never imagined I would love teaching this much. They’re naughty, yes, sometimes they can make me my blood curdle. But hell yeah, I love them anyway.

Do all teachers feel this way? I don’t know.

I know that they’re all going to move on with their lives just the same. To them I am just a teacher. Just a small part of their growing up years. No matter how good or special I was, it will never amount to much.

Tiap malam, aku kembali ke katil aku. Aku duduk dan berfikir.
Dalam kebisingan yang gamat ni, dunia aku sebenarnye senyap.
Tika dingin malam bermula, kesejukan tu mula meresap ke dalam hati.
Setiap malam aku beku.
Dalam jaga dan air mata yang datang tak berhenti entah dari mana.
Aku dambakan lena. Dalam tidur ada mimpi dan angan.
Suntiklah aku dengan cerita khayalan yang bisa buat aku hilang.
Walaupun sementara.
Ingin terbang jauh dari kesenyapan ini.

Selagi aku tak jumpa tempat bergantung yang permanent. Macam ni la aku. Mencangkukkan diri pada apa sahaja yang ada. Untuk mengisi kekosongan yang menyedihkan. Biarpun sekejap. Sebetulnya, tempat bergantung yang permanent adalah Tuhan,tak begitu? Tapi aku hanya manusia. Memang tak boleh berdiri dangan sendiri. Aku juga perlu satu bentuk yang fizikal untuk menyokong aku. Satu batu atau dinding mungkin. Mungkin namanya lelaki. Mungkin tidak. Aku masih mencari. Tempat yang permanent untuk kembali.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Let It Die - Feist

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

irin - go on, keep on hurting me if it makes u happy. I just want u to be happy.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

If I were a boy - Beyonce Knowles

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You'll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Its Over - Jesse McCartney

We’ve run out of words we’ve run out of time
We’ve run out of reasons really why we're together
We both know it’s over baby bottom line
It’s best we don’t even talk at all

Don’t call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don’t need to hear your voice on my messages
Let’s just call it quits it’s probably better
So if I’m not returning your calls it’s ’cause

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ’cause it’s over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can’t even remember how long it’s been
No trouble stayin’ occupied

Oh I ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need’s another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz baby it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

You know that it’s over when the burnin’
And the yearnin’ inside your heart ain’t there anymore
And you know that you’re through when she don’t do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don’t close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it’s better

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

kereta api semalam

I look at the train window
Aku tak suka apa yang aku nampak
perempuan tua yang gemuk
pandang kat aku
muka dia hodoh
nampak garis garis
antra lemak lemak pipi
dan mulut dan mata
warna merah pori porinya
terbuka macam lubang lubang cacing
geli, jijik.

Tapi dalam matanya yang tersembul
ada satu cahaya yang cantik
Tapi siapakah yang mampu ternampak cahaya yang kecil itu?
Cahaya kecil itu ada cerita
ada keindahannye sendiri
Dia mampu terbang
dan berlawan dengan angin
deru deru derai derai.

Hai perempuan tua,
Aku doakan kau bahagia
dan ingatlah,
Tuan tetap sentiasa menyayangi kita.

Aku lihat mereka tidur
with her head on his shoulders
and his head on hers
in lulling slumber
on the train.

broken rhythm

Pecah, pecah, pecah
where did my rhythm go?
rhythm yang pecah
pecah derai derai
dengan derai derai itu
all my songs disappear

tanpa bunyi.

Tuhan tolonglah,
Only You know
apa yang patut aku buat dengan desease ini?

Aku mahu sayang Tuhanku
dengan sepenuh penuh ragaku
kerana Dia yan menciptakan aku
But why ada this one thing
yang tak patut ada kat situ?
Aku cintakan Tuhan aku kerana Dia saja yang tahu

Matikanlah harapan ini
Let it die, please just let it die....
Biarlah mati aku, hidup aku
hanya untuk Tuhanku.

tepuk tepuk
bisik bisik
belai belai

Sayangilah aku.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Sound

I was walking home from work. The same route i take everyday, past the houses and up the hill. But something felt different that day. My heart told me to turn left.

It was a small park, I walked on a path, stepping dried leaves, making cracking sounds under my feet. No one was around. I reached an opening, there was a red staircase going down. I've seen it before on my walks to and from work, but i never knew where it started nor ended.

I sat down on the steps. It was a beautiful view. The evening sun was peeking through the tall trees. I could see Unisel, my new home, I saw houses way beyond, near Bkt Cherakah. The sky was a pale blue waiting for the light to change. But it wasn't the view that caught me. It was the sound. The most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I closed my eyes and listened. I listened with all my heart.

Felt the wind blew the hair off my face. It blew through the trees, and through the leaves.... the rustling of the leaves. The wind kept blowing. All I could hear were the leaves brushing against each other creating a song so beautiful, it filled my ears and sung in my heart. Never have I heard such a beautiful sound, it was loud but it was lulling, strong but calming. Only the Creator can make such music. Truly God is Great.

The wind kept blowing, I let it all in. It was all around me. For a moment, I was flying. I let it all go.

High atop the trees, in my secret little garden
Where the wind blows, through the rustling of the leaves
Flickering sunlight peeking through
The wide evening sky

I close my eyes and face the wind
listening to all the zikir around me
praising the Greatness of the Creator
the most beautiful sound
often unheard
seldom realised

The light is changing soon
Oh how I love this!
Just leave me be
I'm flying

I wish you were here beside me
basking in His Love
I want you here with me
in silence
to hear what I'm hearing now
to feel what I'm feeling now

I want you with me
Can I rest my head on your shoulder?
I dream we share these moments one day
The beauty of it all

I want you here with me
just to hear the rustling of the leaves
atop the trees
where the wind blows

In silence, I could fall asleep and it wouldn't matter.

Monday, October 27, 2008


feels like home with a cuppatea
away from anarchy
beaches, trains and rooftops
my secret garden
to write and read
to learn to travel to dream
to fly
warmth in the eye
melting insides
how long
might never be
just revel in the now
so effortless
just fit
like its been there all along
wanderings of a dreamer
there is a clap
or two?
here and now
wait, just wait
in heaven maybe
lets fly
lets soar
lets sit in slumber
in silence
in dreams and in nightmares

wishful thinking...
wishful thinking.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

a moment that felt like forever

happy, happy.... *irin, wipe that silly smile on ur face*

*jumping for joy, woohoo!*

*giddy grin like schoolgirl*

*singing out loud with eyes closed*

*sheepish grin during random moments*

*blushing on the inside*

*feet off the ground*

...sigh.... if only...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Fatal Flaw by South Jordan

I'm currently hooked on xfresh fm, and this song keeps playing in my head and it hit certain strings in my heart. I'm not sure why xfresh plays them as they claim to play 100% Malaysian music and on myspace says these guys are from the US. Don't know maybe one member is frm Malaysia.... I don't care, i just love the song.

The band is called South Jordan and the song is Fatal Flaw which is a single from their album Only Halfway.

You can watch them on youtube and listen to the song on myspace
http://www.southjordanmusic.com or http://www.myspace.com/southjordanmusic


They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warned: persistence is the fatal flaw
I find myself waiting
I find myself hoping that you’d
One day fall into my open arms

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

I’ve been here a time or two
Trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard
I got some battle wounds from this
I got the sinking feeling in my skin
I’m getting tired of the night
I’m waiting for your light

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

They said be weary of you
They warned: persistence is the fatal flaw.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I am a teacher and this is my lesson

As always with love, there is heartbreak

Last, I told you about my newfound love, my students

Well now I’m going to tell you, how easily they break my heart
They broke me today, to pieces
What did they do? Ask me.
The worst thing you could do to me as a teacher…….
Is not coming to my class.

U didn’t do your homework, I just get mad,
U do it wrongly, I can lovingly correct you,
U arrive late, I can laugh at your excuses (u always hve one anyway)
U misbehave, sometimes I punish you
Any other way, I‘d just get angry or annoyed
Even then, it would just subside when I start teaching

But not coming at all….
U hurt me inside and made me sad
I am here to teach you
And teaching, I love most
You won’t even let me teach you
If you’re listening, this is how much it hurts

For every lesson, I pour my heart out
In preparing how best to teach you
To share with you what I know
So that you may have that knowledge too

I spend my time, cracking my brains,
On how best to let you learn
So that you understand and feel excited and love towards knowledge

I worked hard to prepare your projects,
Wake up in the middle of the night, startle in the middle of the day
Researching and thinking
On how to capture your imagination
Ignite your interest
And spark you with inspiration

So that you might find learning and knowledge fun
A valuable experience that you would remember
And be able to help you in your life
To seek knowledge wherever you may be
On your own

Because what makes a teacher most happiest
Is when her students become better people, better human beings
What makes a teacher happy
Is when you use what you learnt for your own benefit
What makes a teacher happy
Is when you cross a hurdle, rise up to a challenge
No matter how great or little
The joy is in seeing you try, then when you get the prize
And even when you don’t
Your teacher sees that you have gone just one step further than when you started

Your teacher asks for nothing in return
No gratitude nor reward

A teacher’s greatest reward is
When you are able to know yourself and believe in your own abilities
And see you go a lot further than she could ever go
Even though at the end
Your teacher is what you leave behind

But the knowledge and wisdom will always be with you
For as long as you live and keep using it
And that is a prayer, for your teacher

My beloved students
Learning and knowledge is not about the highest score
Or who has the best work
Understand that, YOU are my artwork, YOU are my masterpiece.
Learning and knowledge is about how YOU are as a person
It is about you, making choices, making your own decisions for your own life.

And my reason for being here, is just as a messenger
I can only show you the way
But you have to walk your own way

What a teacher teaches is not just skills,
Skills, you may forget them
But more importantly a teacher teaches values that help you make your own choices and for you to believe in those choices and to believe in yourself

So that is what makes the difference
Between a learnt person and one who isn’t
Is their ability an making good choices

So my dear students, stop hurting me
Just turn up for my class

I am a teacher and class is dismissed.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

New Found LOVE

my new found love. my students.

lucky i have so many of them, about 80. spend 20 hours with them officially and more hours outside. I need all the love and attention i can get. If only they knew how much they mean to me. Haha. Then again i hope they never find out. Cos then they'd realise how much i need them more than they'll ever need me.

i am blessed. truly i am. Thank u God.

i found my calling, and right now i'm pouring my heart and soul into it (them). Somehow people might warn me not to get too personal. I can't. This is me. This is how i function.

i love what i do. it gives me happiness beyond anything i had so far.

and it definitely helps to heal an injured heart. I am sorry. I don't know how to fix it. It is beyond repair. i tried to mend it. many times. and it gets worse every time.

right now. all i am focusing on is just my love to God. and in that, i try to just do things, everything, every second just for Him. Because He knows, He understands, He sees, He listens and He helps me with each and every thing. He loves me and i intend to love Him as much as i possibly can. All that i have now, all that I am, is all because of Him. All praises are to Allah the Almighty. Ar Rahman Ar Raheem. From him derives all form of knowledge.

He is Bountiful and Rich. Oft Giving, oft Merciful. Yet He is never in need of anything.

I am trying. And i will never stop. So help me God. Show me the straight path. Only thee we worship and Only from thee we seek help.

The One. The Only.

The Everlasting.

The Giver. The Judge.

Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. La ilaha ilallah. Allahu Akbar.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Get Lost

I listen to a song and I get lost.
I watch a movie or tv and I get lost
I hear a story and I get lost
I read a book and I get lost
I see a picture and I get lost
I go to a beautiful place and I get lost
I sleep and I get lost
It is so easy to get lost

I get lost in my head
Sometimes it is hard to snap back to reality
I get lost in stories
My own and some not

In my head,
I am anyone
In my head
I am anywhere
In my head
I can do anything

Beautiful places,
Beautiful faces,
Beautiful experiences

I am happy in the stories I create
But they’re all just in my head


Writing is purging. I have a lot to purge. What do you call it? Aaah yes, catharsis. Emotional catharsis, this is mine.

I have a lot of anger towards this country. The way it works. Actually more so because of the way it doesn’t work. It is not safe. It is not clean. It is not happy. But we are forced to believe it is so. And accept it as it is. And just live with this crumbling system.

Fear of not doing things I should.
Fear of doing things I shouldn’t
Fear of not going anywhere
Fear that I’m supposed to be elsewhere

I’m sad that I cant make my parents happy
Sad that I’m not earning
Sad that I’m always yearning
So sad my heart is burning
I’m doing it again, shit, I’m rhyming.

Longing to be somebody
Longing to be with somebody
Longing to be somewhere
Longing to be somewhere with somebody
Longing for all this crap to end
Or at least share this crap with someone
Who can help me believe maybe it’s not that crappy after all.

Pair of Despair

The pair of despair
Have quite a funny air
One has long hair
The other is neither here nor there

Pair of despair
Seems like you have no care
But inside, both of you are bare
To add to the pain, neither of you have enough fare

Pair of despair
Life has many stairs
Though it always seems unfair
We’ll go nowhere if we just stop and stare

Pair of despair
We’re both weary from wear and tear
This emptiness we have to bear
Our happiness lies out there, somewhere

Pair of despair
Maybe this burden, we could share
Because alone, neither of us would dare
To go beyond our comfort lair

Pair of despair
While I sit in this uncomfortable chair
In wonderment that is not so rare
Maybe we do make the perfect pair?


I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep. I want to live in my dreams. I had a weird dream last night. It was my wedding. I didn’t see who it was. Then when I finally met him, I hated him. He was ugly and arrogant. And stupid. But I was already married to him.

I slept early last night. I was angry. But I couldn’t sleep anyway. When it was morning, it was raining. I went back to sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up.

I am lazy and irresponsible.

Pairs. Pair of spectacles. Pair of shoes. Pair of bra.

I have no pair. That is impossible. God said he made everything in pairs! Surely I have a pair. Maybe he died. (Maybe he’s gay! :enol) Where is my pair God? When are you going to let me be with him? I am not good enough still? I’m sorry.

The Train Ride

I wrote this while on a komuter heading to Subang Jaya from Rawang on 21st July 2008.

I don’t have nice sketchbooks. Most designers I know have beautiful sketchbooks. I always have something to write on with me. Usually designers sketch a lot; they’re very visual by nature. I have lots and lots of notebooks filled with more words than pictures. I’m just more comfortable this way.

I take trains a lot too. Train rides are long and it always gives the right mood for writing. I live in my head most of the time. Train rides are perfect opportunity to get lost in your head. Amidst strangers with funny smells and funnier looks.

The clouds are grey. It’s going to rain soon. Rainy train rides on Monday afternoons.

Beautiful Places with Beautiful Colours.

I like to pretend. Pretend I’m someone else, in a different place doing different things. What kind of life would I like to lead?

I want a lot of things. I think everyone wishes for things. Ultimately, everyone wants to be happy, I think.

I want to live in a place with a beautiful view. Somewhere really high or by the sea. I want to travel the world and experience different lives. I want to be inspired and inspire others as well. I want to write or produce something, anything that involves the sharing of many stories. Mine and others.

I don’t know, sometimes I feel like writing, sometimes drawing, most of the time singing and dancing. I love movies and music. They give you all of that sensation, seeing, hearing, moving. I can just get lost in it.

I wish there was someone, who could share these experiences with me. Someone who shares the same sensations that I do in these experiences. Or at least be able to talk about it really well, making it an experience in itself. Its like a friend once said (yeah enol, its you), someone who understands to be silent when your favorite song is on the air and lets you enjoy that moment, even in the middle of a conversation.

Maybe its just wishful thinking. I sure hope not. Hopeless romantic am I? Maybe it doesn’t happen often. I don’t know, maybe I do have a rose tinted view on what love is. It is a connection, an invisible communication between 2 people. I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m being unrealistic maybe? Most marriages are horrible, I take it? Maybe the love I’m hoping for can only happen in heaven. In this world, its God’s way of saying “there is no greater love than Mine.” Or “you’re all screwed, but be good, I’ll give you the big prize at the end if you manage to survive all this crap without screwing yourselves in the process.”

So in essence, to find love, to find happiness, we must learn to love God in all his manifestations. It is not easy, but it is not hard either. You just have to have faith. And believe unconditionally.

One ugly thing I hate to see when on train rides are the dirty rivers. We are a filthy country. There’s trash everywhere. It’s disgusting.

I don’t want to work in KL. So much time is wasted with just doing nothing. Just waiting. Waiting for transport. Waiting for people on transport. Waiting to transport people. I want to work far away, in another state or country maybe. Where the food is cheap and the air is fresher and the skies are blue and the water clear. KL is so dirty. Dirty place, dirty people with dirty hands and dirty minds. Yeah, sure, I can’t handle stress. Really? I call this stress unnecessary. Why should I choose to face this stress? There are always options. You choose.

Uplift Happy Soul.

Work – doing things I love. Having choices/ say/ power on how a thing goes. Work with time for inspiration, love, travel and self. Constant learning environment. Time to think. Time to decide. Time to have fun. Cooking, reading, dancing and traveling. Time to do what you love, including work.

I’m just killing time; I’ve been here in KL sentral for 2 hours. I couldn’t get on the train. Was packed so tight. Actually, just some inconsiderate people who don’t understand what “move to the middle of the car” means. Idiotic idiots who don’t understand the courtesy of using public transport.

Beautiful things. I want to make beautiful things.

Maldives. Just far away from this constant chaos. I can’t handle chaos. Heck, the name Irina means Peaceful. Go figure. Doesn’t look like I can get on the train anytime soon. Jostling shoving people. It sucks to be short. I could get a panic attack thinking I cannot breathe and might die amidst the evening smell of the KL masses. Why would anyone want to live in the city? I have no idea.

I love the book Secret Garden. It’s something about secret spaces where magic happens. Space where you can just get lost in your own world. I need a person who understands that. An understanding of why certain things had to be done a certain way or at least be able to argue intelligently about it. Intelligence is a rare quality. Sorry, I meant to be rude. I can’t find people who could hold my interest for long. People are boring. Or I’m just a skeptic.

I have watched 4 trains pass. I can’t get in. I don’t want to. This is crazy! How the hell am I getting home? Should I go to the other side so I could board the train 2 stations before? Or just waste this ticket and get on the LRT instead?

The people are getting more and more. Why can’t they have more trains during peak hours? Or at least add more cars to the train? Why can’t the idiot in charge and his team think up of a solution to this ever occurring problem? 5 trains. Tunggulah lagi.

I live in a country run by stupid people. Product of a stupid educational system that produces stupid people. Am I right? Or am I being over cynical? The people here prefer to bear with the problems and have no initiative or creativity or innovation whatsoever to think up of solutions to problems as soon as possible. Even the people responsible think that other people are responsible to fix the problems they created in the first place. Nobody cares to fix it. This country is run by idiots. The systems are archaic!!!

Failed Systems Run By Idiots.

Everything doesn’t work. Nobody has any idea to manage all these careless people. Stupid careless people who don’t care to clean their own shit and expect others to clean it up for them.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

sayang aku

sayang itu apa?
adakah berpegangan, berpelukan, berciuman itu tanda sayang?
kalau tidak bersentuhan, tidak boleh sayang kah?

tandanya aku sayang,
aku ingin pelihara kau dari kejahatan
jauhkan kau dari godaan

semestinya aku sayang,
jika dalam doaku saban saat nama kau aku sebutkan

memang aku sayang,
aku mahu kau gembira dan menempuh kejayaan

aku sayang,
aku mahu kau menjadi insan disayangi Tuhan

percayalah aku sayang,
jika perasaan aku masih bisa kau goreskan

jika aku tidak sayang,
tidak aku peduli apa yang kau katakan

kalau aku tak sayang,
lenyaplah kau dari ingatan

kalau benar aku tak sayang,
tiada apa harus kucoretkan

benarkah aku tak sayang?
jikalau itu, jawablah pada aku, mengapa aku masih ada disini?
what happened to my love?


mengapa jiwa ini rapuh,
ditiup saja, roboh.

mengapa otak ini bodoh,
tak mampu melawan keluh.

mengapa hati ini sakit,
semua segala jadi pahit.

megapa badan ini longlai lembik penat,
sedang banyak perlu ku buat.

mengapa semangatku menyerah,
tanpa sikit pun dikerah.

mengapa perasaanku kacau,
nak aja aku jadi sasau

mengapa aku segan,
berhadapan beban beban.

mengapa selalu di awangan,
menggunungkan harapan,
sedang apa yang di depan,
tak pula aku jadikan.

megapa tiada rasa disayangi,
aku tak faham, irin, kau nak ape lagi??????

Thursday, July 10, 2008

random - revenge of the right brain

clarks. pay survey please. start testing. do questionnaire. need food. birthday present. celebrate. take Sarvi to dinner. kakireka tomorrow? hide out. design blog. write review. want house. hold me. music. damn laptop speakers. mia palencia. laura. drink. apartment. Design Circus. singapore. pie. redang. Nani nani nani, i miss u. thesis. unisel. did i get the job or not? beach. freelance. boxes. cake. boxes. design. print and pattern. expensive bras. nice house.water. lake. ocean. island. teach. design. mak n bapak. GOD GOD GOD. get a job. finish thesis. need music. shop for furniture. food. shafik. hell. God. happy. friends? urgh. malas. really good food. fashion. dress. money. shoes. bags. donuts. ship. move. travel. island. beach house. swim. sea. moon. cook. teach. write. design. talk. research. cakebox. pay me. sing. dance. love. hate. play. breathe. God. try. choose. act. pray now. stop nonsense. company. enol. be alone. give time. live. read. walk. run. float. fly fly fly. sunfaith. moondream. mindship. loveheart. camera. picture. painting. drawing. decorate k nuruls hse. my room. purple. bedsheet. curtains. my own place. stationery. colourful. quirky. design. job. idea factory. ina. baby. cakes candles happy laughter. presents. singing. friends. party. norman. move. goodbye. God God God. contact lenses. cookie monster. optimus prime. berjaya times square. clarks. 258. money. pay survey. questionnaire. time time time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG - Oh My God

Back in school, sigh...
turned 27 over the weekend
that's a lot of years, so many things have happened, or could have, or didn't
tomorrow is a mystery, yesterday is history, today is a gift, that's why we call it the "present".
Been living life, dealing with it one day at a time
always wishing for something better
trying to make it all happen, just trying, no matter how little,
tho it never seems enough, and it gets harder along the way

Don't know what's true anymore
Just holding on to kalimah Lailaha illallah, Muhammad rasullullah
its the only thing i know is true
everything else.... i don't know
Hope, Faith, Try and Choose
been travelling more, seeing new places, meeting new people, doing new things
still at night i cry
only God knows why, coz i sure as hell don't

All praises are for You, Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang,
You are the ruler of the Last Day
Only You I worship, and only from You i seek help
Please show me the right way, help me make the right choices
the way of those You love and not those You condemn

Please take care of my parents, senang dan tenangkan hati mereka
permudahkan segala urusan mereka
Please help my family, be closer to You and get farther away frm what You dislike
My friends, my teachers and their family too
Forgive us, for truly, we are just plain ignorant and weak
Please love us, for only You are capable of love that is boundless
Help us, for we are in dire need of help
Truly, we cannot live without You

I give my heart to You
I should give my everything
I'm still learning, still trying
I'm very slow, sorry
And i keep making the same mistakes
over and over and over again
You know this, for You knoweth all
Just dont let me forget You, an inkling of a second even
For only one is True, and that is You.

I will try and i will try
I can only try
Just try.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

To the one that was, and always will.

I don’t hate you. I can’t. Never could.
I’m not here to fight. I’m not here to defend myself even. I’m not pointing fingers.
Maybe someday you will understand.
Why it had to happen this way.
I have loved you with all my heart, from the very first day.
I know you do, love me. You are true and I know you care.
Then, what’s wrong, you wonder?
Nothing is wrong.
Why do we look for what went wrong?
I’m going to tell a story. A story of what went right.
We were friends since we were little,
I can honestly say I fell in love with you at 11 years old
You were like the sunshine, your smile made me happy inside
When everything else made me grey, you made me yellow, orange and red.
We were together, we were apart.
We weren’t kids, we loved each other for reasons no one can fathom
I’ve loved you ever since, no one else comes close, nobody could.
Even when we weren’t together, I knew we will be.
I believed so. And so it was.
Together again.
You were everything. My reason for everyday.
God, you’re so beautiful.
Nothing could make me happier.
Truly, this is love, I say.
So many things we went through,
Good and bad, we braved it together
I felt like we could face anything that came
We’re going to last. This is forever.
Then here we are, how did we get here?
It happened so fast, where did it all go?
It was so near, yet so far.
This doesn’t make sense!!
So this is where the story changes.
Mind you, we are not the Writer.
We are works of fiction, written by God.
He is the One, the Almighty.
I cannot say when or where.
I changed. You changed. We both did.
Circumstances happened, giving us different set of experiences.
We weren’t stuck in a time warp.
We did move. In opposite directions.
One thing we both were sure of,
We were looking for what we were looking for
To reach our dreams, to realize our potential
In a journey to be better people
Each encouraging the other, to be the best that they can be
Never realizing in the process,
We were both going separate ways.
One thing is true.
We became better people.
But we also became different people than when we started.
You are a greater man now, than before
We always believed in each other.
Maybe that is our story
We were part of each other’s lives when both were lost
Both hurt and looking for directions in life
Not knowing ourselves or what we wanted
So we decided, to be there for one another
We held hands throughout the journey
Braving each obstacle together, one helping the other
Never giving up
Looking for happiness, searching for each other's utopia
We reached a crossroad.
We said its okay, we’re stronger now
The answers you seek are in that way, and mine the other
We have to continue the journey separately
To each his and her own
It didn’t matter, its okay, we said
I just want you to be happy
You want me to be happy too
Let’s cross the bridge when we come to it
See you at the end of the road
But like two parallel lines, never to meet in a single point
Maybe that is our story
We were in each other’s lives to help each other through
At one point in time
To be better people
But was never meant to finish the journey as one.
Shafik, you helped me believe in myself
You helped me find happiness and joy in things I never normally would
You made me laugh, you made me smile like I never smiled before
You showed me how to play and enjoy life, enjoy love, enjoy family
What you gave to me,that will never change, no one will ever replace
You helped me overcome my fears, my tears and my flaws
You are some of the most beautiful memories I ever had
Thank you for being part of my journey and helping me through
I left not because of hate, or of anger
I understand, now that we know what we’re looking for
And where we are heading
That we want the same things but in very different ways
And it is only fair, and out of love
That I let you go,
So you can be, the man that you are supposed to be
A great man indeed
So understand, from this point on
Don’t look back in anger
There was nothing wrong
We did what we had to do
I have no regrets of our relationship,
It was beautiful for what it was
And it was meant to be what it was meant to be
I only wish the best for you
And your happiness means the world to me
From this point on
We continue our journey
In separate ways
To become the best that we can be
But know that you will always be my dearest
A part of me only God knows how much
And my prayers will always be with you
God has written the story of us
Neither of us knowing how it will end
Goodnight and goodbye
For what it was and always be.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

Dear God, please help me through this. Help me be strong.
I really thought he would, I really did. I was so wrong. so wrong.
Please let it die. Please don't let it hurt so bad.
i cant afford to be sad
I know now its true. I guess I've always known
but i kept making excuses for the sake of my own

Get on the train my dear irina
Before it moves and leaves you again
get on the train
We'll go someplace and start over
Come lean on my shoulder
We'll do this together
everything will be alright, we're still on our feet
but be prepared to bleed
Cut me, I'll grow
Hold on silly girl, it'll get better you know
Yeah it will, I'm sure
keep running on your faith
for good things come to those who wait
He let you go, he let you go
So leave, leave ....
Say goodnight and go

Monday, April 07, 2008

Such disorder in my wit.

"I will not keep this form upon my head / When there is such disorder in my wit"
-Ophelia, in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

"I need a haircut. My head has gone bonkers." - irina

painting: John William Waterhouse's painting Ophelia (1894) courtesy of wikipedia.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dancing is My Joy

I’m a sucker for dance movies.

So yesterday, I dragged my only friend who could layan my fetish for moving agile bodies, Pie, to watch Step Up 2: The Streets. After an hour and a half of cheering and ‘boogie’ing in our seats, until the cleanup crew had to wait for us and turn the lights back off cos we insisted on watching the whole credits till the end (thank you Galaxie Ampang, u guys are so sweet)…. Here’s what I’d like to share….

1) All dance movies have the same storyline.

No matter which era the movie is from or what style of dance, the storyline is basically the same. You start off with the protagonist, who’s a dancer of course, but is facing a problem (no money, parents disapproval, past trauma, mixing with the wrong crowd…) and that problem disables them from dancing and fulfilling their dreams. The next part is when they meet some people and start to kick themselves in the butt and tell themselves “hey, I can do this!”. This is followed by a series of challenges and obstacles which is shown by juxtaposition of many practice sessions scenes which is to show us, the audience, that dancing is a really tough thing. Then there’s the first challenge, the first ‘dance test’,that they will fail miserably and humiliate themselves at which this point they will think of hanging their dancing shoes (dance speak for quitting). And then there’s the ‘other person’, the one that gives the main role the reason to dance which will utter magic words that stops them from quitting. And finally there’s the FINALE. The final dance sequence, which is the ultimate pinnacle of dance movies, though they’ll try to make it stumble a bit so as not to be so predictable, but all ends well in boogieland, and it ends with everyone dancing away to the song while the credits roll up.

2) All dance movies have the same characters.

a) the underdog – this is usually the protagonist or a team (Take the Lead). Whatever they do, they suck at life, but they’re really good dancers and dance is their passion and their life. (Flashdance)

b) The dream killer – this can come in the form of the parents (Honey), or the dance school director (Step up 2), or anyone from their past. This character’s job is to kill the dream. They’re the ones who don’t believe in the underdog. Usually though, this character becomes supportive after the final dance sequence.

c) The best friend – a-ha, this part basically acts as the ‘fairy godmother’ in this story. They’re the one who’s gonna show you what’s cool and basically help pimp you out for the finale. Sometimes there’s gonna be a conflict with the best friend but usually, they’ll still help out in the end . (Shenille frm Save the Last Dance).

d) The love interest – oooh, this is the best part. Because dance movies have to be hot and passionate. Usually it’s the dance partner (Dirty Dancing 1). And this part you’ll have the really hot couple dance sequence (Dirty Dancing Havana Nights). But basically, this particular person will be the reason to dance your heart out for.

e) And of course, The Crew – these are basically the other dancers in the movie. (Grease) Sometimes they don’t act much, they’re pro dancers and will be in the big Finale dance sequence. Or they’re usually the outcast and are pretty loony characters (Fame, Centerstage). They provide the comic moments and usually have short but funny lines. (the short penguins from Happy Feet)

3) The acting is kayu, bt you’ll enjoy it anyway.

Dance movies are cheesy and highly predictable. But the reason you’ll walk away feeling like you had a blast of a time is because of the dance. Its like going to a party and you feel so hyped up (and everyone at the party can actually dance and have the same dance moves as everybody else- Dance With Me). And eventhough you cant do a plie-triple spin and a split, you’ll feel like you can boogie your worries away doing a robot dance or macarena. Oh come on, dats why we love Bollywood movies!!!! Plus these movies usually have the best soundtracks.

4) You will feel like nothing is impossible and all your dreams will come true.

Dance movies are about dreams. Its about achieving the impossible and believing in yourself. No matter how bad a state you’re in, you’ll always get that big break.

I’m a dreamer and a believer with undying faith. And I learn that from watching dance movies, haha.

There are still a lot more dance movies that I haven’t watch (Strictly Ballroom, pls someone get me the DVD!!!). And I’m still on my never ending quest to watch ALL dance movies and especially that FINALE. And I have to say that “Step Up 2: The Streets” have the meanest and coolest dance grooves in any finale I’ve seen.

Dang, and tho I may not be able to do the split and I don’t look as hot as Janet/Britney/ Aaliyah when I dance, I’ll keep on dancing. Dancing is joy to me. Which is why I need to get a job fast so I can pay for studio lessons!!!! Hahaha, until next time peeps, MOVE TO THE BEAT!!!!

"If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music"

lyrics - Pink

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

pieces dont fit here anymore

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
III dont know why...... whyyyyyyyy!

lyrics by james morrison

irina - they're just song lyrics, but they write it better than i do. I can no longer write. not now.

Monday, February 25, 2008


Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told

somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

if there's a soulmate for everyone

lyrics are by natasha bedingfield

irina - I let it all go. So help me God. I pledge my unwavering faith in you.

"Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help." - Al fatiha.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

persetankan setan itu!!!!
move it.
God please.
let me go.
apa dia?
now is not the time
aku nak jugak
i dont know how to

Sunday, January 20, 2008

What my birthdate means

I actually have other things i wanted to write about, mainly, Layar Tanchap, Kakireka, Pangkor and Sg Pisang. But being so addicted to Facebook at the moment got me distracted so I'm posting this instead, haha.

5 JULY 1981

You are multi-talented, and which you believe grow only by sharing with others.
(aiyah, how come my talents dont include driving ah? of course, of course, my motto, give more ask less)

Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too close to peoples' hearts to bring about jealousy. (so shy la... red face oredi, hehehe...)

Creative and original, you're usually thinking of bleeding edge ideas.
(can this be considered a recommendation for me so i can get a job in advertising? Told you I was born to be a designer, art director,creative director..)

Witty and quick thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges.
(hmmm, yeah, explains why I have yet to find a good job)

Your greatest strength is: Your superhuman brainpower
(Oh ya ka? wah, I so agree with this, haha, siakuk gelle!!)

Your greatest weakness is: Your susceptibility to boredom
(Yes Shafik, apparently its pre destined)

Cancer goes best with Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus and Virgo.
(This one I dont agree lah, my best friends are capricorns, aries and taurus and my boyfriend Gemini, how la? but then I believe I sure can get along with anyone one...)

Friday, January 04, 2008

Cleaning out the closet.

I cleaned up the cupboard room.

4 things i realised.

1)If the Batik Guild decided to study the development of Batik motif through the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s until today, they should just look at my mother's vast collection of baju kurung and kebayas. She keeps them all!!! they're in mint condition so they call it in collector's speak. It's silk and only dry cleaned so the colours are still vibrant. From the ostentatious kurung moden of the 80s shoulder pad phenomenon (like those Rafidah Aziz still wears today), to the slightly more abstract patterns of the streamlined nineties and the swirly craze of the 2000s, its a whole museum collection in here! I could curate a show, "the batik collection of Cikgu Hjh Maimunah Nazarene" albeit bonus with matching shoes and handbags. Its a teacher thing. Sad thing though, i cant fit any of her baju. I'm too short. And fat. Sigh.

2) My family has enough things in 1 room to furnish 3 entire families. I've packed 5 bags to give away to the flood victims. There's still more stuff. And all this is after we did a garage sale and cleaned out what i thought was most of the stuff. When my friends come over, i got so much to give them. Last week, i gave a whole new wardrobe to Enol, Some of the clothes are not even worn yet. Some things we bought it with hopes we cud fit it, someday, haha. Some we bought to give others, but never did. Some other people gave to us but we didn't really like or just simply forgot it's ours. These stuff are in good condition but we just got so much of it. My dad would pick it up again most of the time I tried to get rid of it, citing future plans for the stuffs that never seem to happen in the now or near future. STOP HOARDING PEOPLE!!!! I'm tired of always having to clean up your mess!!

3) I see stuffs my Bapak bought for my other siblings. The Shooter jacket for Erwin, the mock engine and drums for Iwan, the piano+softball+tennis for Irma, the bowling balls + golf set + ice skates + horse riding + go kart for Nani... which got me asking my Bapak, what did he ever bought for my hobby/interest? He answered he doesnt know what my interest was. I never told him. He only knew my interest was books. But his books are not on the subjects i like. And the encyclopedias that i DO read, was bought by my mum who thinks the only one who ever reads them is Iwan. Which is wrong! Iwan reads the Britannia, World War and Life series BUT I WAS THE ONE READING THE CHILDREN'S ENCYCLOPEDIA AND THE HISTORY THROUGH THE AGES SET!! sorry, i'm kinda pissed cause earlier, we were eating cheese that Nani brought from France, it was round and had red wax wrapping it, i know it had a specific name for that cheese because i read it in the encyclopedia, because when i was a kid i accidentally ate the wax instead of the cheese, so i asked Nani but she didn't know so i took out the encyclopedia and showed where it showed the different kind of cheese (its edam cheese btw) beause i remembered reading it there (plus, i was the one who arranged the library, so i knew where every book was). Then my mum said, "Oh, i remember when Iwan used to be the only one reading that set." Damn, i was pissed. Only Iwan reads, only Irma cleans.... I read, I clean. I fucking indexed the house! I have interests too, y'know. Art, Design... if any of you care.

4) I came across 4 boxes/crates of Nani's toys. She has 4 Barbies (clothes, shoes, house, bathroom, kithen, living room, bedroom), Lego, Lasy, Cluedo, Matermind, Congkak, plush toys (including that REALLY BIG teddy bear from Teddy Tales that costs rm400). There was also the Tomy Fashion Plate which belonged to Irma, which she only gave to me when i was too old for it and had to give it to Nani. It gave me the time to reminisce about my childhood.Its a vintage toy. Now with most of the plates missing. Damn.I googled on Ebay, it now costs about 17-35 USD. I remember having two toys. Both of which Irma handed down to me. I had 3 Barbies, I gave one away to my cousin in Sarawak. It had a whole house too, difference is, I made it myself. The house was a mirror frame where the glass had broken, the dining table was a combination of the Wall's plastic ice cream cup (the one where you could use the cover to make the base so the cup can stand) and a round white plastic casing as the table top. The stove was a cassete case. The cups were from mechanical pencils back cover, the bed a shoe box, the cupboard also a box which i made compartments and the hanging pole was a lidi i poked through the box. Oh and the Fashion Plate of course. Because i had few toys, i really took care of it. its so sad to see it like that.

Hmmm, see what cleaning does to me? At least now all the clothes are hanged in the same black hangers and arranged according to colour. And now a lot of people are going to get some really stylish nice clothes. And Bapak now feels indebted to buy me something haha. And I dont need to buy my children toys, i got whole sets to give them. And the cupboard is so neat, you could sleep in it.

And I finally got something to blog about.

AAAAhhhh, cleaning is cleansing.