Saturday, November 15, 2008

hook, line and sinker

I’m like a hook. I get hooked so easily. Maybe its cos I lost my rock. I’ve been a lost hook looking for anything to get close enough to latch myself onto ever since. Like those ‘kemuncup’ in the grass, that gets hooked on your jeans. I’ve just been pulled out and thrown away.

I knew it was going to be a mistake, or is it? When I get hooked, I pour. When I pour, I give everything. And at the end somehow, I feel lost again. I give my all and then it feels like so much of you is gone. I thought it isn’t supposed to be that way. I thought when u give love, u get a lot back. Then how come I’m feeling so empty?

So empty that I have to fill it up with whatever I could find.

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to the school holidays. I like school. I like going to work. I like seeing my students. Bloody hell, I love seeing my students. Happy tak terkata. Chisss. I’m gonna miss them. Monyet btul la!.

I just started teaching 3 months ago. The end of the semester is near and I’m dreading it beyond anything you can imagine. They are my first ever students DG02. Shitla. This isn’t supposed to happen. I got hooked on them. I never imagined I would love teaching this much. They’re naughty, yes, sometimes they can make me my blood curdle. But hell yeah, I love them anyway.

Do all teachers feel this way? I don’t know.

I know that they’re all going to move on with their lives just the same. To them I am just a teacher. Just a small part of their growing up years. No matter how good or special I was, it will never amount to much.

Tiap malam, aku kembali ke katil aku. Aku duduk dan berfikir.
Dalam kebisingan yang gamat ni, dunia aku sebenarnye senyap.
Tika dingin malam bermula, kesejukan tu mula meresap ke dalam hati.
Setiap malam aku beku.
Dalam jaga dan air mata yang datang tak berhenti entah dari mana.
Aku dambakan lena. Dalam tidur ada mimpi dan angan.
Suntiklah aku dengan cerita khayalan yang bisa buat aku hilang.
Walaupun sementara.
Ingin terbang jauh dari kesenyapan ini.

Selagi aku tak jumpa tempat bergantung yang permanent. Macam ni la aku. Mencangkukkan diri pada apa sahaja yang ada. Untuk mengisi kekosongan yang menyedihkan. Biarpun sekejap. Sebetulnya, tempat bergantung yang permanent adalah Tuhan,tak begitu? Tapi aku hanya manusia. Memang tak boleh berdiri dangan sendiri. Aku juga perlu satu bentuk yang fizikal untuk menyokong aku. Satu batu atau dinding mungkin. Mungkin namanya lelaki. Mungkin tidak. Aku masih mencari. Tempat yang permanent untuk kembali.

3 comments:

R.E.II™ said...

Hello
My first time on here. This is an introductory comment!
Seems we share some interests and I would like to exchange links in order to stop by again soon?
Best wishes

ainulhuda said...

lost your rock? but you're still rocking gurl!!! yeahh!!!

ainulhuda said...

takpe irina, you can cangkuk on me in a meanwhile.. tapi maaflahh kalau aku bukan tempat pencangkuk yang baik.. and aku pun nak cangkuk kat kau gak