Sunday, November 30, 2008

let me wallow for a while.

Seharusnya aku gembira, bersyukur kerana doaku makbul
Seharusnya aku tidak terkesan, kerana aku telah bersedia bahawa ia akan berlaku
Seharusnya aku tersenyum, kerana dia menjumpai bahagia
Tetapi hakikatnya, apa yang aku rasa, sakitnya hanya Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui
Mengapa? Aku tahu hari ini akan datang, dan aku telah berjanji untuk untuk menerimanya dengan hati yang lapang dan riang kerana inilah yang kita ingin kecapi, kebahagiaan untuk yang disayang.
Tidak mengapa, sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Kerana aku tahu, I did what i was meant to do.
Ini semua ditelah ditentukan olehNya.
Semestinya, semua yang berlaku pasti mendatangkan kebaikan pada semua
Kerana semua pihak ikhlas dan redha dgn ketentuan Ilahi.
Aku sakit, tapi aku tahu ia adalah yang benar.
Demi kebahagiaan.
Sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Dunia ini terlalu sementara.
Kita harus hidup sebaiknya.

I'll heal
But just let me wallow for a while
I know I did what I had to do
If you really love him, set him free,
and if he returns in time, You'll know he's yours.
and if he doesn't, it was never meant to be.

I'll end this chapter of my life. I'll not write about it anymore, maybe.
But my last words are, you were always in my prayer, and all i ask for was for you to be happy. I still mean what i said, that you deserve someone better, and maybe you will understand why i said that, as u embark on your new chapter, I am sure, she is someone better for you. Good luck and take care. You will always be a part of my life that i cherish. My thoughts of you are only those that are happy and good and i will keep it that way, and that is why i chose to end it the way i did, by silence. I'm sorry for everything, i mean well, Goodbye.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

hook, line and sinker

I’m like a hook. I get hooked so easily. Maybe its cos I lost my rock. I’ve been a lost hook looking for anything to get close enough to latch myself onto ever since. Like those ‘kemuncup’ in the grass, that gets hooked on your jeans. I’ve just been pulled out and thrown away.

I knew it was going to be a mistake, or is it? When I get hooked, I pour. When I pour, I give everything. And at the end somehow, I feel lost again. I give my all and then it feels like so much of you is gone. I thought it isn’t supposed to be that way. I thought when u give love, u get a lot back. Then how come I’m feeling so empty?

So empty that I have to fill it up with whatever I could find.

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to the school holidays. I like school. I like going to work. I like seeing my students. Bloody hell, I love seeing my students. Happy tak terkata. Chisss. I’m gonna miss them. Monyet btul la!.

I just started teaching 3 months ago. The end of the semester is near and I’m dreading it beyond anything you can imagine. They are my first ever students DG02. Shitla. This isn’t supposed to happen. I got hooked on them. I never imagined I would love teaching this much. They’re naughty, yes, sometimes they can make me my blood curdle. But hell yeah, I love them anyway.

Do all teachers feel this way? I don’t know.

I know that they’re all going to move on with their lives just the same. To them I am just a teacher. Just a small part of their growing up years. No matter how good or special I was, it will never amount to much.

Tiap malam, aku kembali ke katil aku. Aku duduk dan berfikir.
Dalam kebisingan yang gamat ni, dunia aku sebenarnye senyap.
Tika dingin malam bermula, kesejukan tu mula meresap ke dalam hati.
Setiap malam aku beku.
Dalam jaga dan air mata yang datang tak berhenti entah dari mana.
Aku dambakan lena. Dalam tidur ada mimpi dan angan.
Suntiklah aku dengan cerita khayalan yang bisa buat aku hilang.
Walaupun sementara.
Ingin terbang jauh dari kesenyapan ini.

Selagi aku tak jumpa tempat bergantung yang permanent. Macam ni la aku. Mencangkukkan diri pada apa sahaja yang ada. Untuk mengisi kekosongan yang menyedihkan. Biarpun sekejap. Sebetulnya, tempat bergantung yang permanent adalah Tuhan,tak begitu? Tapi aku hanya manusia. Memang tak boleh berdiri dangan sendiri. Aku juga perlu satu bentuk yang fizikal untuk menyokong aku. Satu batu atau dinding mungkin. Mungkin namanya lelaki. Mungkin tidak. Aku masih mencari. Tempat yang permanent untuk kembali.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Let It Die - Feist

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

irin - go on, keep on hurting me if it makes u happy. I just want u to be happy.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

If I were a boy - Beyonce Knowles

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You'll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Its Over - Jesse McCartney

We’ve run out of words we’ve run out of time
We’ve run out of reasons really why we're together
We both know it’s over baby bottom line
It’s best we don’t even talk at all

Don’t call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don’t need to hear your voice on my messages
Let’s just call it quits it’s probably better
So if I’m not returning your calls it’s ’cause

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ’cause it’s over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can’t even remember how long it’s been
No trouble stayin’ occupied

Oh I ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need’s another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz baby it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

You know that it’s over when the burnin’
And the yearnin’ inside your heart ain’t there anymore
And you know that you’re through when she don’t do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don’t close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it’s better


‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

kereta api semalam

I look at the train window
Aku tak suka apa yang aku nampak
perempuan tua yang gemuk
pandang kat aku
muka dia hodoh
nampak garis garis
antra lemak lemak pipi
dan mulut dan mata
warna merah pori porinya
terbuka macam lubang lubang cacing
geli, jijik.

Tapi dalam matanya yang tersembul
ada satu cahaya yang cantik
Tapi siapakah yang mampu ternampak cahaya yang kecil itu?
Cahaya kecil itu ada cerita
ada keindahannye sendiri
Dia mampu terbang
dan berlawan dengan angin
deru deru derai derai.

Hai perempuan tua,
Aku doakan kau bahagia
dan ingatlah,
Tuan tetap sentiasa menyayangi kita.

Aku lihat mereka tidur
with her head on his shoulders
and his head on hers
in lulling slumber
on the train.

broken rhythm

Pecah, pecah, pecah
where did my rhythm go?
rhythm yang pecah
pecah derai derai
dengan derai derai itu
all my songs disappear

tanpa bunyi.

Tuhan tolonglah,
Only You know
apa yang patut aku buat dengan desease ini?

Aku mahu sayang Tuhanku
dengan sepenuh penuh ragaku
kerana Dia yan menciptakan aku
But why ada this one thing
yang tak patut ada kat situ?
Aku cintakan Tuhan aku kerana Dia saja yang tahu
KESEMUA SAYANG DAN CINTAKU HANYA UNTUK TUHANKU!!!!!

Matikanlah harapan ini
Let it die, please just let it die....
Biarlah mati aku, hidup aku
hanya untuk Tuhanku.

tepuk tepuk
bisik bisik
belai belai

Sayangilah aku.