Saturday, September 01, 2007

Life is one big cycle of sorrow

Where art thou, God?
Where can I find you?
I need a teacher
I cant find you by myself
How is it, that ‘being good’ comes easy to some people?
Do they not yearn for the forbidden?
I do
Very much so
How is it that they like doing ‘what is told’ ?
I don’t really have any strong feelings for it
More often than not, I’m too lazy to do it
Why is it, that my heart only longs for the ‘wrong’ and not the ‘right’?
Am I evil?
I envy the good
It must feel beautiful to be loved by God
I want to be like them
They always seem so happy
But I cant seem to do what they do, doing good I mean
Praying 5 times a day, fasting from worldly needs
How do they do that with such ease?
It is the hardest thing for me
I know that I will die, yet too much of the world doth I love
I long for the heavens, yet I do nothing to deserve a place there
I’m sorry Raqib for letting you down
And Atid, I gave so much to write about, haven’t I?
I’m sorry God
I don’t understand what I say in prayers
I look up the meaning
But I never seem to remember
I don’t understand your verses
I don’t know what you’re saying
I cant read it well
Its in a foreign language I am not familiar with
Get a teacher, you say
What teacher can handle all these questions of mine without condemning me of blasphemy?
I have so much to ask you
Where am I with you?
Do you love me?
Can you love me as much as you do the ‘good' people?
I tried not to be bad
Why is it that all I want is to do the ‘bad’ stuff?
How come I never want to do the the ‘good stuff’?
Stuff you told us to do?
Stuff we have to do to go to heaven?
I want to go to heaven
It is happy there, right?
It’s a beautiful place
I am not happy here
Everything here makes me sad
Except your ocean, and your fish, your flowers, and the wind, and the moon
They are the most beautiful things here
I don’t like people
They are hurtful, some of them, most of them
They do all sorts of things, we I mean
They destroy the only beauty there is that you left for us here
I don’t know how to be around them
Yet I cannot live without them
What is heaven like?
Would you let me go there?
I don’t deserve to go there, do I?
They did what they were told, and more
They lived so bravely
And they are so strong
They love you so much
They gave up everything else. They gave up the world
I love you too
Why cant I be like them?
Nothing I do will ever be good enough
For anyone
Please forgive me for my rantings
There are more people out there who are unfortunate and need you
I’m just a raving lunatic
Who is sad for no reason
Who isn’t grateful
And selfish
All I want is to be happy really.
I want you to love me
And I want to go to heaven
that is all
Please forgive me, Allah subhana wata’ala.

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