Thursday, November 09, 2006

Have just finished hand washing 16 pieces of bra. Am on the verge of doing some design for work, I decide to pre-blog instead. Pre-blog means I type it in Microsoft Word first before I publish it. This is because I hve no internet connection outside of work. I happen to have my office iBook wit me so I’m thinking… go blog girl!

Sometimes I never publish my pre-blogs, some I’ve done on paper. Maybe later, I’ll have this compilation of unpublished entries. Y’know, like the ones rockstars have after they die that fetch millions on eBay.

My blog is called ironi irina. It’s because the reality in life for me is always far from what I dream about. Things that happen to me are to me ironic because it doesn’t go as I thought it should. In a way, I bet that’s how everybody feels. That’s why I talk and write a lot about the things how I wish them to be instead of how they are. My dreams are the one place where anything I want is possible and I decided to share it with anyone who reads this. It’s a therapy for me against the stresses in life. I think, I dream, I write. Its where anything I think should be, could be. It’s like halfway giving form to what you dream about.

Bt yesterday, at dawood sec 6 shah alam, while I was whining about the troubles in the world, enol asked me to put myself as another person in the chair in front of me and try looking at myself frm a different person’s point of view. So right now, I’d like to write about how things really are in my life, hopefully not offending anyone in the process.

I’m 25 years old. I was born in Sibu, Sarawak on the 5th of July 1981. My full name is Irina Hariati bt Abdul Muis. My mom is Maimunah, she’s frm Sarawak and is a teacher by vocation. My dad is a retired banker who hails frm Johor. I have 5 siblings, 3 of whom are married with children that amounts to 4 nephews and 4 nieces for me. I live in bkt beruntung rawang bt hve lived in various parts of KL n Selangor. I’ve went to school in SRK Subang Jaya, was a TKCian and now still a part of UiTM Shah Alam doing my masters full time in visual communication and new media while working part time as a designer for TriKystana Sdn. Bhd.

I’m short and overweight. I wear glasses. I constantly have a fight with my tudung. I have dimples in both cheeks and have been told I have a nice smile. I have acne marks everywhere bt if I wear makeup people wont notice bt usually am too lazy to wear any except for special occasions. I have straight hair that had been curled once and now am sporting a fringe in an effort to look youthful. Orang cakap I look exactly like my mom except I’m 25 kilos heavier than she was at my age.

In a sms thing, I’ve been told I’m beautiful, bijak, blackout, bubbly, bigsmile, baik hati (well, they’re my frens of course they’ll say nice things, except the blackout thing was frm my adik, Nani. I’m whiny, crybaby, bad driver, always hungry, always sleepy, control freak, scared of many things, byk cakap, kuat berangan, terlebih sensitive and emotional (I have no idea how people put up with me). One of my trait that I have come to learn and accept I posess is kedegilan dan keras kepala. ( see, I got 2 pusar on my head, plus kena hantuk ngan helmet berkali2, helmet yang pecah).

I have issues with being beautiful and beautiful people. I like looking at beautiful people, and they are mostly nice. I am jealous of them though, like they have it easier y’know. Humans, being humans, like beautiful things. And being beautiful gets you heard, seen and liked (that is power). And I can understand how a pleasing face can make you feel better. I constantly struggle with the things I have to do to look pleasing to the eye of others. It takes a lot of effort and sins to look good and I’m glad I have friends that just love me the way I am that don’t judge me by how fat I am compared to the last time they saw me.

I’m nerdy. I like studying, I like school, I like books, classes, assignments, research, discussions, and opinions. I can’t talk about clothes or shoes unless we’re talking about Giant, reject shop, FOS, Jusco, Uptown or the carboot at stadium shah alam. I have money bt I prefer to spend them on books or household items like comforters or nice stationery (or save it to kahwin, yippee!). I don’t expect to pay much for things I don’t think should worth that much, even though I like it a lot (ni hasil didikan Encik Abdul Muis ni…).

My family and I. This is a touchy subject, I have written about them before and it didn’t come out good. I wrote it when I was 9 and my mom and sis still remember what I wrote. What I can say is, despite the idiosyncrasies, the drama, the whole googaly moogaly, they are MY only family. Good or bad, they are my sanctuary. This funny thing called family.

I have few close friends whom I constantly share my life with. I will not mention names, you know who you are. They are the ones I don’t feel shy to go to when I’m troubled and would look at me the same way even after 5 years. They share my joy as well as my tears; my ugly side and my good side and still love me after and also trusts me to share theirs. My boyfriend is someone who was my friend since childhood and I fell in love with him when I was 11 and am hoping to marry in 2 years time, Ameen… He is a beautiful person who despite my lacking in a lot of things, appears to be as much in love with me as I am with him. There are a lot of imperfections in our relationship bt I have the confidence we’ll be able to work things out. We have the ability to communicate openly in a lot of things (including crying and bawling) and the readiness to listen (still learning and trying) and adapt accordingly to each other (u win some, u lose some). Yeah, sounds all bunga2 but we pray for the best la.

Working as a graphic designer, it is something that I love doing – design, bt when its work, u hve difficult clients, impossible datelines, not enough resources, overworking, low pay, colleagues yg mcm2 perangai, bos yang lain lain kehendak dan kepentingan…. Bykla yang kurang indah yg selalunya makes your work kurang satisfying. Bt that’s how working life is. Bt everytime working on a project, I get excited on the possibilities of the outcome that I always try to produce yang best gilerr. I love designing. Given the opportunity, I would design anything and everything walau berus gigi skalipun. Kalau ada time and money, the possibilities are endless in design and I like the challenge of putting something, an idea, to life. Giving it form. Bt tak semua la camtu, ada time yg terpakse buat selamberr jugak. Jadi maknanya, adela design saye yang buruk, org tgk gelak je, “camni kate love designing konon….” So skarang the company I’m working for kecik aje, job die takdela gempak mane pun, bt it keeps my brain and hands running and adela duit sket (RM550 per mth to be exact) to pay for my studies so tak nyusahkan makbapak. And I get to go to my classes and have this iBook kekadang so bolela curi2 memblog. Haha…. Banner pun bannerlaaa, janji design cunn… Plus its close to home so bole naik public transport memandangkan aku ni driver yang merbahaya kepada nyawa orang lain dan tak ckp duit nk bayar minyak.

My life at the mo, despite my complaints, can be considered ok. I prefer studying than working. Yup, I’m not tough enough for the industry I guess, plus my parents asked me to do this. I did it and I enjoyed it. Many would look down on my decision to do my masters now instead of working for more years. Well, my dad said he’d pay for the fees and I have no commitments, so why not? Go sajela. Best rupanya. I enjoy lepaking with my frens and boyfriend. Weekends I can go home and play wit my anak2 buah. Ada time to tgk tv and mandi. My constant problem wud be my fight with myself. Trying and forcing myself to smayang rajin lagi and not do forbidden things. A lot of stupid things happen yang make me go “WHY ME?????” Bumps and bruises and tumpah and terantuk sana sini, Struggling to jd good girl so I can go to heaven. Hoping to make my parents happy and peaceful. Fighting with Carmen, she’s my alter ego. She’s crazy, too crazy. Bt I guess she’s the part of me that gives me courage and passion to do things. If it were entirely up to me, I’d be scared to do anything! Praying that God wont make life so difficult for me coz I’m not that strong, I might do something stupid to cope with it. Praying that I pray harder. Read the Quran better. Treat people nicer. And to appreciate what I have. Please God love me and forgive all the stupid things I’ve done. Protect my family n frens frm harm and provide them with happiness and ease.

Everyday I try to…..
Give more, ask for less. Do more, complain less. Learn more, talk less. Smile more, cry less. Walk more, eat less. Pray more, sleep less. Love more, hate less.


sau said...

erine, not saying this just to say sumthing nice ke ape...but this is the truth. The other day when me n Ja saw ur pic kat frenster ayat yg dikeluarkan adalah "ni erine ke yg gambar lawa sangat ni? die dah ade fringe eyh?" we see ourself, we will always see the imperfections. like I say i need to lose weight but ppl say that I'm scrumptiously curved so takpayah la lose sgt weight tu. Go figure. I never ever would think of the word scrumptious. Gilo. ahahha. But girl...U have to believ that despite watever crappydom that comes upon us....we have to be grateful with wat we have. after crying or thinking up a few hundred negative adjectives to describe diri sendiri...kite kena ingat that its actually not that way.
Take care!

odah said...

firstly; puas sangat membacanya :-))

Dalam fikiran setiap orang, mesti ada "imej-imej ideal" yang kita nak jadi, yang kita nak buat. We strive to achieve that image. Ada pro dan con-nya. Pro- kita boleh jadi better dan improve ourselves. Con- mungkin image yang kita kejar-kejarkan tuh hanyalah satu bayang-bayang/ shadow of our own insecurity. So, lets us all be careful..

Apa-apa pun, it's always good to know that they are people yang terima dan sayang kita seadanya.

odah said...

not just "good"- "comforting"

sharkpitt said...

i'm touched by this article