Ironi Irina

Bring me to the sea at dusk.

2012-01-20T17:56:00.001+08:00

Bring me to the sea at dusk

Let the sound of the waves drown the silent screams inside my heart

Let the colour of the sky blanket me in calm

Let the last rays of the sun bathe me in warmth

Let the waves wash away my dirt

Let the bubbles and foam uplift my soul

Let the wind blow my troubles away

Let the shape of the clouds take my eyes afar

Let the speckles of light dust me in their glitter

Let the smell of the air rush through my nose and rid me of smoke and choke

Let the darkness slowly overtake the light in a peaceful rhythm

Let the beauty of the Divine overwhelm me

O bring me to the sea

and let me be.

I wrote this while watching the sunset on youtube here, and listening to the evocative music playlist here. Click on the links if you want to feel what I felt. I miss the sea.

A little piece of sky.

2012-01-18T14:06:00.000+08:00

If I'm away too long from nature, I get emotionally 'sick'. I need regular doses of un-manmade things. I need to look at big trees, clear skies, clouds, starry nights, sunsets, full moonlight, bodies of water and animals to stay sane. Do you?

Living in the city, even one like Shah Alam, I am deprived of many these very things that bring me happiness. On the 11th floor of an apartment that is ironically known as Riverview, my window looks out to the other apartment block and only allows about 20% view of the sky because MSU built a bloody building that covers what little is left of what can be seen from my window.

In order to survive, we have to improvise. My obsessive need for a glimpse of pleasure drives me to go to great lengths. Lying on the bed, I hang my head off the edge, as close as I can to the floor, to block out any human structures out of view. With my hands over my head, supporting my body from sliding to the floor, I do a Yoga-esque balance just to look at the sky.

But it was worth it. For one moment in time, I get to pretend I'm flying with the cottony clouds underneath me. I feel peace, albeit for just a while.


This is what it looks like lying upside down.

Last weekend, my parents, my younger sister Nani took a drive to Gopeng, Perak. We wanted to check out the school which she will be teaching at, starting the next day and years to come. She just got her posting as a French teacher there. We rarely drive up north, so I must say I'm pretty envious of the scenery. Just the day before, I was telling my sister, I wanted to see clear blue skies, streams, waterfalls, caves, mountains, animals, the sunset and a starry night sky. I got to see ALL of them on that stretch of highway.

The drive was only like less than 2 hours to reach the school. And the school, atop a hill, has a magnificent view of Banjaran Titiwangsa complete with ponds and flying birds. The school building is even reminisce of Enid Blyton's Malory Towers or Hogwarts. A square building with 4 'towers' and a courtyard in the middle.

The drive back, it was getting dark, and we a got a short glimpse of the fiery orange colour burst of dusk amidst trees and limestone rocks. Slowly the orange fades away to purple with ribbons of blue , red and all the colours available in God's palette, getting ready to draw night's dark velvet curtain.

Against the ink black backdrop, millions of twinkling bright lights scatter, some stars brighter than the others. Forming invisible paths playing join the dots with your eyes. I tried to squash my face against the window to get a better view, but my neck was starting to hurt. The soft pale glow of the moon, blue against my hands, casting playful shadows on my clothes. Amazing how the moon only just reflects the light from the sun without any light of its own, yet it still has this much light. Thank God, the Exora's windows are huge, so there's more surface for viewing.

Looking at nature, how perfectly beautiful it is, as it always is, Masya Allah. God is the greatest.

God, please help me.

2012-01-13T17:34:00.002+08:00

I find it curiously amusing that when I look at the stats on my blog, this is what i found;

So there are a number of people on this planet who searched these words on the internet and found my blog. These statistics are for 'all time' since my blog started in 2005. As you can very well see, half of the keywords that led to my blog are along the lines of "God, please help me."

No, I am not surprised at the fact that there are people who type that in their browsers. In fact, I may have done so myself. What piques my interest, however, is I was wondering what did they find when they click on the link www.irinairony.blogspot.com.

Did they find what they were looking for? And a part of me is even worried that my writing might have misled them. I tried Googling the same exact keywords but my blog did not turn up in the results, maybe they were using a different browser or search engine. I am particularly interested in which entry of mine turned up as a result, but I didn't get it, my blog didn't come up at all in Google.

When I started this blog, it was merely a space for me to pen my thoughts as sort of a journal or diary. Writing helps calm me, a catharsis of sorts. It helps me deal with a lot of things, it clears my mind, sometimes even 'pujuk' me at times, but mostly its a way for me to wander inside my own imagination. I never expected to have an audience, let alone a following.

But my blog has done more than what I meant it to be. I found that my writing 'finds' people. Loved ones who had been lost for years, people who were strangers before and now are good friends, even people who are just wandering are connected by this little space. And that connection is what amazes me.

I hope, whoever comes across my blog, whether accidentally or on purpose, is touched in a good way by what they find here. I never meant to hurt anyone nor to lead them astray, my words are not religion, they are merely expressions of my thoughts and feelings. As I am only human, I am bound by flaws and mistakes.

So if you happen to type "God, please help me" in your search and happen to be directed to my blog, I wish to say to you;

Hello there friend, do not despair. HE will help you. For He is Most Gracious Most Merciful. Just be patient. There is nothing more worthy than His love and remember, we will all return unto Him. To serve Him is all that matters, nothing else. If you believe truly that there is none greater, than everything else is small in comparison. God bless.

My Colour Purple.

2012-01-12T16:45:00.001+08:00

The colour purple reminds me of

sleeping underneath the moonlight

reading a book by the window with the rain on the window pane

watching a sunset by the beach

soothing acoustic songs by Mia Palencia

the early hours of the morning when everything is quiet and still

the smell of trees after the rain

when I open the window at night and the wind gently blows into my face

magical escapades to secret places

exotic flowers that smell heavenly

wrapped up in a cosy warm blanket

soft velvet cushions and drapes

an intricate golden mirror
the stars in the sky on a clear, quiet night

sitting on a rooftop and breathing slowly

lying on the grass and watching the starry night sky

the sound of waves by the sea

my feet sinking into wet sand

the clouds on a grey sky

candlelit conversations

holding hands in the dark

watching fireworks on the balcony

a mountaintop view of the lit up city at night

the reflection of the full moon on the surface of the ocean

3 Questions

2012-01-10T16:33:00.000+08:00

I'm in the midst of reading Gisele Scanlon's The Goddess Experience. My adik tersayang, Nani gave it to me. Its thoroughly enjoyable for me because it sounds like something I would write or say, haha. To me, its a blog in book form about basically anything that she would like to talk about. What I would like to share however, are the 3 questions that she goes around asking people she meets.

1) What makes you happy?
Beauty. I love beauty in all its forms, be it people or things or places or experiences. Of course, the notion of beauty in my eye probably differs from other people. For instance, today, my colourful folders on my desk at the office brings me joy. On some other days, the colour of the blue sky makes my day.

2) What is luxury to you?
Silence. Its rare and very valuable. Peace and quiet allows me to indulge in things I love uninterrupted. Oh, and nature. Being close to nature is a luxury. Even looking at sunrise or a full moon or even a clear sky is something to rejoice in, because luxury to me is something that is not exactly a need but I want it, I want it, I want it.

3) What would you buy if you had a million bucks?
I like that she phrased the question that she used the word 'buy'. Because it basically means material, and it is so you do not feel guilty for not answering charity or an answer that would actually mean 'good deed'. Because the question really asks you 'so what do you want?' without judgement, because all humans have 'wants' apart from needs and since what others think are so imperial, we would answer the question with the 'right' answer instead of what we really would have. Maybe.

Well, I would buy my dream house. A beautiful house. Materialistically, I want to own a beautiful piece of property that I would call home. Yes that would be it. Although, being human, a million would hardly be enough for a house.

Why did I write this piece? its a very self centered one I know. I love to ask questions, I can find out a lot about a person and find out new things. But at times I also liked to be asked. And since nobody else is interested to know about me, I ask these to myself. Because when people are worrying about the world ending in 2012, I like to enjoy the world for what it is - worldly.

Travels in my head: The house that we built.

2011-09-12T14:22:00.000+08:00

On this day, where the skies are no longer blue and the air conditioning is still broken, I'm inspired to travel inside my head to escape this reality for a mere moment.

I head to my shop, eager to start the day. I've brought some new samples that I've been making in my studio the past week. Inspired by my last dive in Maldives, my new collection has some 'fishy' elements injected into it. The break was a welcomed one, and nothing refreshes me better than the clear blue azure waters and colourful marine life. I knew I could trust my partner Arina to take care of things while I was gone. I'm blessed with good people.

Boxes, stationery, dolls and miniature furniture. Who would have thought those would belong together happily under one roof? Well they do. In my shop that is. When I first started, I just figured that the ingredients of my shop would be happiness and love. The actual products and services? It was a result of well, happiness and love.

My love for design transcends all disciplines and mediums, I couldn't decide. So in the end, I figured, why not just do everything?

To me, good design makes people happy. That's it.

Having taught graphic design for a while before I started to to go full fledged business woman, helped me meet a lot of people without whom, my shop wouldn't be here today. And this shop, this is what makes me happy. I'm happy when making things that make people happy. I am happy looking for new experiences to get new ideas and inspirations. Great ideas are everywhere, looking for it and knowing how to use it is the fun part. The challenge would be translating it to a design that works. But when it finally comes to life and you see the joy that lights up in people's eyes when they see your design? That is my bliss. It is what beauty in the form of beautiful things, do, give pleasure and delight. And it is definitely delightful.

While I was working on my prototypes, my husband was busy with his. Our studio at the topmost room of the house is even bigger than our bedroom. We spend most of our time there. Play and work are one and the same for us. Alhamdulillah, we are blessed with the ability to work by doing things that we love. My husband with his toys and me, with mine. And the twins have their own space here, Khazana preferring to help her Daddy while Kaizen is my little design protege. All those books and toys we bought for them are also our references so it makes sense to put it all in one big space.

When either or both of us needs a break, we just walk out to the rooftop garden and enjoy the view of the sky reflected on the lake. This was truly a dream house. And the endless supplies of Shaza's bakes and cookies ensure our lasting bevy of comfort food.

The best times are when we have friends and family over. Over the years, we built friendships that hopefully lasts a lifetime, now they have become our family friends and these people, we trust with our lives. They were with us all the way, some of them since school, and some of them, whom Allah has fated to enter our lives and enriched us with their love and camaraderie.

Every time we have a family gathering it is chaotic, because its so hard to get everyone together because they are super busy, that when we finally do get together, we use what little time we have, and make the most of it. It gets a bit crazy at times (in a good way of course). I mean, it is actually a good thing that everyone is busy, it just means that they have lives to get back to. And I know, no matter what, we all love each other, and that's all that matters. And it is during these times at the gatherings in this house, that I prefer to be the quiet one and just stand back to capture that mental image of the joy on our parents faces to see everyone together.

I'm pregnant with our third child, we don't know whether its a girl or a boy yet, so no names have been planned as yet. As I'm touching my growing belly, I am grateful that this child will be born into a household though not perfect, will always be filled with love. As God has shown his bounty in this world for me, I raise my two hands in syukur and hope that He will love us as much if not more in the hereafter as well.

Featured Blog : Abdillah bin Abdillah

2011-06-28T15:04:00.007+08:00

A blog by a retired 62 year old in Malaysia sharing his quite uncommon and sometimes extreme views on Malaysia and Malaysians. Sarcastic, funny and thoroughly enjoyable. (No, I'm not saying it because its my Bapak's blog)

http://abdillahbinabdillah.blogspot.com/

I'm enjoying this entry, particularly the last passage. How the banning of Nasi Lemak in schools can lead to a rise in prostitution and how it may become a contraband item like porn or pirated music.... check it out, funny blog!

Obesity and Nasi Lemak by Abdillah bin Abdillah

I wish I could fix me.

2011-05-31T15:38:00.004+08:00

I wish I could fix me.

I'd fix it so that I no longer procrastinate.

I'd fix my tendency to be late.

I'd fix my fear of almost everything.

I'd fix my confidence, my competence.

I'd fix my ability to remember, all the things I always forget.

I'd fix my love for slumber yet not feel upset.

I'd fix my ability to smile so people don't feel distant.

I wish I could fix it all this very instant.

So my I could be better. I just want to be better.

I would fix my communication skills with my Mom,

So that I'll make her feel happier instead of angrier.

I would fix my inability to drive so I never have to depend on anyone to go anywhere,

so I could do everything that I need and want to do.

I would fix my attention span so I could focus and get things done,

instead of wandering away inside my head when I just refuse to face reality.

I'd fix my job so I could earn more and help my family.

I would fix my dreams so they don't interfere when I am awake.

I would fix my clock so its still fine for me to have kids.

I would fix my mind, my body, my soul,

like the way a modeller customizes toys

to make me all better, inside and out.

But I wish I didn't feel that I need fixing,

because that just means that I'm damaged,

but I'm not.

Travels inside my head.

2011-05-10T15:31:00.002+08:00

On the boardwalk by the sea. The sun's sprinkled sparkles on the gray seas, the light slowly fading in the horizon. Just sliver bits of peach thrown in with yellow tails. Giving my white dress a warm tint to it. A gush of wind brushed my face, sometimes cool, sometimes hot.

Train's Marry Me playing in the background. They had just started to turn on the colorful round paper lanterns that were lulling in the evening breeze. Getting ready for tonight, they were arranging the chairs and making the table cloths look like hot air balloons as they toss it in the air to set them on the tables.

Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa (Official English Trailer)

2011-05-09T16:55:00.000+08:00

In Defence of Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa - The film by KRU Studios.

2011-05-09T14:02:00.003+08:00

I thought the movie was awesome.

Why this entry then? Well, I have been hearing heavy criticism on the movie on so many issues, but the worst has to be this, criticism by those who DID NOT EVEN WATCH IT. They condemned the movie, yet they have not even seen it. This can only happen in my country. Sedihnya.

The first thing I did after watching the movie was to look up Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa on the internet. I wanted to know how the movie adaptation was different from the original manuscripts. Sadly then, it had only a short brief entry on the Wikipedia which wasn't helpful, I was frustrated, no one who had knowledge of this manuscript which is under the Akta Warisan Negara had shared any of its contents or discussions online. But this was during the early release of the film.

But yesterday after a heated debate on the film, I felt 'tak puas hati' and decided to look it up again. As of today, there is a new entry in Wikipedia and citing many other resources for information on the original manuscripts. Alhamdulillah, praise be to the person who was willing to share their knowledge with those who seek it.

Now, I urge those who condemn the movie on the basis of its storyline and research, please DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. Before mouthing words of 'criticism' on other people's hardwork and research, I would suggest you do your own reading on the timeline, adaptation and discussions of the Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa manuscripts and even the Roman Empire timeline if you so wish to dispute.

In praise of KRU Studios whom I think are doing an excellent job, they got the people to wonder at the existence of these stories. Before the film came out, I bet most of us won't even bat an eyelash at the Hikayat. Most of us do not know of our own stories, stories of our people and that is what is so sad. We are more familiar with fairytales and superheroes in the mold of what the WEST have portrayed. We teach our children Nursery Rhymes and quiz them on the history of the Egyptians. But what about OUR story? Our history?

There are so many stories of our great lands of our great people that can be an inspiration for our future generations. And as stories often are, they are meant to be appreciated, adapted, enjoyed and even teach us a few things. Cerita Tauladan. Orang Asli Animal tales. We are so hungry for ideas yet we have plenty of untapped resources right in front of our eyes. It is whether we choose to seek those knowledge and embrace them or push them aside and choose the easy way, believe every word Google tells you.

They did not claim to be historically accurate in the movie. But then, tell me, what movie IS? And yet we enjoy them and even worship the grandeur of 300, Clash of the Titans and Alexander by the pure entertainment value that films often are. Heck, we even believe that Giant Robots will invade Earth. But adapt the Garuda into a menacing group of pirates instead of a giant talking bird? "Mana boleh tukar cerita hikayat!", came the response. Even historical documents were written by someone through his/her point of view, so whos to say they were telling us the truth?

If we continue with this attitude of ours to criticize and condemn the effort of our people in trying to do something different, something better, then we will never be able to go beyond expectations. If the government in Japan had told the animators of Gundam that they could not publish such a story because it is impossible to have that technology, than what else can we dream for? There are many ways in which fiction affects technology. A man had dreamed that one day we could go to space, I'm sure many thought he was crazy. Scientists, philosophers and thinkers dare to dream, dare to think of the impossible. It all starts with the imagination.

Movies, films are stories meant to entertain, give pleasure, inspire and move us. The film Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa did just that for me. Maybe it would for you too, or it wouldn't. But you should watch it first and judge it for yourself don't you think?

Here are the links that I would suggest you look into if you are interested in the story of Merong Mahawangsa.

1) http://books.google.com/books?id=WXMEAAAAQAAJ&printsec=frontcover&hl=en#v=onepage&q&f=false

2) http://ms.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikayat_Merong_Mahawangsa

3) http://sasterarakyat-kedah.com/?cat=5

4) http://www.mykedah2.com/10heritage/111_2.html

5) http://mymanuskrip.fsktm.um.edu.my/Greenstone/cgi-bin/library.exe

6) http://themalaypress.blogspot.com/2009/07/manuskrip-hikayat-merong-mahawangsa.html

p/s: And for those yang tak tahu... the KRU film actually followed quite close to the original Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa manuscripts. Yes, it was partly a story of an expedition from Rome to China to marry their prince and princess and Merong led the expedition until they were attacked by Garuda, to which they landed where Merong was made King and named the kerajaan Langkasuka which later on grew to Patani, Siam, Kedah and Perak. And this was a time before the coming of Islam which was 10 generations after that. The movie was set in 107 AD.

A Picture

2011-05-08T13:11:00.002+08:00

What I would give, to be lost inside a picture.

To move through colors,

to disappear inside captured moments,

of another pair of eyes.

THE LION KING Sneak Peek

2011-05-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

Our Trip To Singapore : The Tale of Desire, Will and Patience. Part 3.

2011-05-03T17:57:00.015+08:00

30th April 2011, 10am-8pm, Universal Studios Singapore.

After helping ourselves to the free breakfast at our hostel and checking out, we took a cab to Universal Studios. At first the cab driver was kind of rude to me, he asked for the address to Universal Studios? What? You are the cab driver lah! So I called my mom, 'the Diplomat'. She did her magic and he agreed to take us there. I know the MRT is efficient, but I just don't want Mak to tire/hurt her legs from walking too much. At first he said that he has to charge extra 6 dollars but Mak addressed him nicely as Mr Lee and made small talk, (How did she know that? -Me . It was on the screen la - Nani) then he somehow 'managed' to find the way to Universal Studios without an address and with no extra 6 dollar charge. Huh? Whatever, we're here already!

While I queued up for the tickets, Nani queued up at the entrance. Nani told Mak to stay with me just in case the cash wasn't enough but then when Mak came to me, I told her to sit somewhere and wait. Thing is, when I reached the counter, the girl said that if I paid using Visa or Mastercard, I could get a 30% discount. Haha funny. How am I supposed to get my mother now? Nevermind, I'll just pay cash. That will be $216 for 3 adults, thank you.

After stuffing our stuffs in a locker, we proceeded to start our adventure. 1st and foremost, get a map. Universal Studios is basically a circle with 7 themed sections. We sat down while Nani ticked the rides she wanted to go. our strategy was to go right because the crowds seem to start on the left. On the New York strip, we watched the Monsters Rock Musical at the Pantages theater, basically a rock concert featuring Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula, Mummy and some other monsters. The buildings were all made to look like the facade of Hollywood and New York which was cool, we even took a picture in front of a door that looked like HIMYM set.

Next we went in Steven Spielberg's Light Camera Action, which we were brought into an indoor platform made to look like we're inside a New York harbour. We got to experience how it would be like if we were hit by a level 5 hurricane. Gile best, the platform shook, the water was berombak, the winds got stronger, things started falling, things caught fire, the water was on fire, then the windows came off one by one and we could see the Manhattan skyline with the waves getting higher, a crane came through the roof, by now we were blasted with gale and the heat from the fire was burning, just when I thought it was over, suddenly a big ship blasted right through the wall and headed straight towards us. Gak. It was scary awesome.

Then we went to the Battlestar Galactica section where the two Roller Coasters - Human and Cylon. I don't do rides. I did before, not my kind of thing, so me and Mak waited while Nani rode the Cylon. Nani gila.

Next was The Lost World (Jurassic Park) where we queued up for a ride for almost 2 hours, yet the ride lasted less than a minute, haha. But it was fun, At one point even scary. The brochure said the ride was to enjoy the panoramic scenery so I thought it was a slow ride to ENJOY the scenery. Silly me, it's basically a short hanging roller coaster. Okay. Thank you misleading brochure.

We got some cheesy nachos at one of the stalls. and made our way through the the Egyptian section, we just took some pictures and went through it because by this time we were really hungry so we ate at the 50s style Diner called Mel's near the entrance, so I could show my husband I ate at a diner, heh. The brochure had signs to where the Halal food was which was great, thank you. Meanwhile we left Mak at the diner to rest while we went to watch the street performances. My camera's battery had ran out by this time and the customer service wont let me tumpang their power point even for a while. Sedih.

Next was Waterworld, we sat in the soak zone hoping to get wet, but we didn't get wet. But the stunts were entertaining and the actors interaction with the audience was fun.

After we fed and re-energized, the next stop? FAR FAR AWAY KINGDOM!! woohooo! I love anything to do with Shrek so yeah, ME HAPPY. There was the 4D theatre where we got Donkey's phlegm on our faces, rode in a bumpy carriage with Shrek, had spiders on our legs and water sprayed into our faces. Sweet! Then we watched the live interactive show with Donkey. Interesting technology. Then we went in the souvenir shop, to get our 'potion bottles' juice from the Fairy Godmother potion shop.

We had Ben and Jerrys after, then Mak and Nani went to look for a prayer room while I queued for the Junior Roller Coaster. Keyword JUNIOR. I thought it was a slow ride, you know, for juniors. MISTAKE yet again. The only thing junior about it is, it is short. The sari clad elderly lady beside me was swearing in Hindustani, I think.

They found the prayer room. Well it was a room. A small one used by both male and female, where you take ablution at the restroom elsewhere. So Mak waited while Nani went on the second roller coaster - Human. I waited for Nani. The lines were shorter and she didn't have to queue at all because it was already late evening. When she came out, she wasn't walking properly, she was wobbling. Apparently the sitting roller coaster is scarier that the hanging one. We took a walk by the lake where Nani saw a plug point. "Kak Ina, plug!". We gingerly walked over, pretending to enjoy the scenery while I charge my camera in my bag. Well I asked nicely and I wasn't given just a few minutes, so I had to do it illegally la. I guess they were afraid I might short circuit the whole park and that would be disastrous for those on the roller coasters kan?

It was nightfall, we were tired and I'm sure my mom even more. She was cool enough to tahan for 10 hours in the park and went on all the rides and performances with us save for the roller coasters. Mak, you are SO COOL. Tired, but happy and satisfied, we got some souvenirs and headed out.

We took a $23 cab ride to Kranji where there was a city bus to Johore which we took and when we reached Johore, my eldest brother Abang Win picked us up at JB Sentral, took us to dinner in Stulang Laut then to Aunty Hasnah's house in Kota Tinggi where we stayed for the night. Slept, ate, showered, we slept almost the whole day the next day until after Maghrib, and we went back to KL with my cousin Lydia (Although Nani drove half of the way while she, the co driver, slept through. ) We left Mak with Aunty Hasnah, she was too tired and her 'Malaysian legs' were back on, so she was just starting to feel the pain. She will continue her adventures with Aunty Hasnah and Uncle Yasin to watch the Dilloyd and Ahmad Jais concert at Istana Buday this Friday then she will travel with Abang Erwin to Tioman Island.

I asked for an adventurous experience. I got what I asked for. With $500 Singapore dollars, we survived, all 3 of us on our adventure. I got to spend time with my mother and sister and experience some wonderful times with them and in the process bring us all closer together. I am so blessed. Thank you Mak, you are A.W.E.S.O.M.E, it was crazy but best kan?? Nani, you're a wonderful sister and a great travel companion, you know how much I love you.

Love you both so much for this unforgettable experience. Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar.

Amacam, would you want to do it again??

Our Trip To Singapore : The Tale of Desire, Will and Patience. Part 2.

2011-05-03T15:52:00.004+08:00

29th April 2011, 7am-12 noon, Tambak Johor - Beach Road - Arab Street.

As we were about to enter Singapore, we saw the KTM train that we were supposed to take slowly chugging by pass us through the bus window.

Anyway the bus ride was smooth and we realized mid way when we were trying to position ourselves to sleep, and accidentally pressed a button, that the chairs were actually massage chairs. Pretty cool stuff. And the staff were very helpful. But the bus smells of cigarette smoke though. But we're in Singapore so everything is jolly well fine.

The Starmart Massage chair seats.

The bus stopped at Beach Road from where we took a cab with the intention of looking for a budget hotel, the driver was very helpful as he waited for us to ask for the available rooms from Hotel 81 (something like Seri Malaysia la) and the one next to it. All fully booked and beyond our budget. As Nani's tummy made a loud grumble in the taxi, we asked the taxi driver to send us somewhere we could eat. He was very kind as to bring us to Arab Street to a Halal restaurant.

Hungry and tired (I couldn't sleep on the bus, too excited I guess), we ate lontong with huge udang and sotong. Only then Nani started to speak like a normal human again and went out off her 'shut down' mode, then she told us she actually panicked since we were at KL Sentral so she 'shut down'. NOTE: In these situations, I'm the one who usually panics and my sister is sort of the level headed cool one. But according to her, at that time, I became the Alpha. Maybe because I was the only one with the money and it made me feel 'powerful' haha... entahla... She said maybe because everyone was sort of ok, she automatically assumed the role of the 'adik kecik and anak bongsu'.

Lontong with udang and sotong

My Mom's role is as the "Pengetua sekolah" so she chats up strangers and gets information from them, which is something I cannot do because of my 'face' that usually gives strangers a feeling like they want to slap me. So she got the restaurant owner to tell us about a budget hostel nearby. Along Jalan Kubor was the ABC backpackers hostel, we went in, enquired, the private rooms were all fully booked. All they had was mixed hostels. My Mum said no. I zikr in my heart, Oh God please help us. I was feeling sorry for my Mum having to walk around so much despite her saying she was okay, bak kata Nani, "Mak has put on her overseas legs".

Then the nice receptionist told us to sit for a while, while she checked whether there were people who canceled their bookings. Few minutes later she called us to tell that there was a dorm available for 4 persons but there was already a girl in the dorm. Syukur, we took our keys, towels and blankets after paying for the room which only costs us 26 Singapore dollar per person. All we needed was a place to rest and refresh before Lion King starts at 2pm. The room was small with 2 double decker beds and lockers with no windows. But it had air conditioning and it was clean and most importantly the toilets and bathrooms were squeaky clean too, it was good enough for us as we only planned to stay for 1 night.

Fed and refreshed, we took a cab to Marina Bay Sands to claim our tickets. It was in a shopping mall so we had time to walk around and shop a bit before the show starts. Mak swiped her Visa for Nani and I and got us new shoes. Hehe. We wanted to go up to the Skypark viewing deck but at 20 Sing dollars per person, we'd rather spend it on food.

LION KING, Marina Bay Sands Theatre, 2pm.

What can I say? The first 5 minutes was already mind blowing! The whole show was spectacular in every way, the songs, the music, the costume, the props... EVERYTHING was magnificent. It was indeed an experience of a lifetime. I have been to many musicals but this was a totally different one of a kind thing. My favorite scene was when Mufasa's 'ghost' came back to tell Simba to assume his title as King. Awesome!!! I can't describe it, I'll put a Youtube link for you to preview but it is not the same as experiencing it live. To watch The Lion King musical was on my bucket list of things to do before I die and it was worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?annotation_id=annotation_407178&feature=iv&user=DisneyOnBroadway#p/c/0/-pgZtzDj_7o

At times I almost fell asleep because of the tiredness and ordeal of the day before, but I was thinking Mak will surely scold me "Dah bayar mahal mahal pastu tido pulak!", so I forced my overdried contact lenses to stay awake. Turns out all 3 of us fell asleep a few times, termasuk Mak. I slept sungguh sungguh during the intermission.

The show ended around 5.30pm. We took a cab to Arab Street, to the Sultan Mosque for the evening prayers and had our dinner at Bushra Cafe along the same street where it is sort of like Jonker Street meets Central Market kinda feel, but the area has a lot of choices for Halal food. We shopped for textiles and shawls at the many textile shops along the street (somewhat like our Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman). Went back to the mosque for the night prayers and returned to the hostel to shower and sleep to get ready for the next day. Where to? Universal Studios!!

Our Trip To Singapore : The Tale of Desire, Will and Patience. Part 1.

2011-05-03T12:19:00.005+08:00

27th March 2011, Dining Room, Rawang house.

Me: Nani, Kak Ina nak tgk Lion King!!!
Nani: Dierang taknak datang sini ke ah? Nani tgk yang Frenchnye version, best gile!
Me: Cube try carik on the internet, maybe dierang akan tour sini bila-bila...? I don't care, we are sooo going..

Few secs later...

Nani: Kak Ina! They're showing NOW in Singapore!
Me: What?! JOMMM!!! Book ticket skarang!
Nani: Mak, Mak, jom pegi Singapore tengok Lion King?
Mak: Oh ok.. use my credit card la...
Me & Nani: - YESSSSSSSS!!
Me: Kita nak duduk mane, balik bila, camna?
Mak&Nani: Alaah... kita pegi je dulu, balik tu nanti2la kite pikir, kite gi tgk show tu dulu and see how it goes...

Nani proceeds to purchase our ticket online for the show and the train tickets from KL Sentral to Singapore for 28th April 11pm (night train) so we could catch the Saturday, 29th April 2pm show.

28 April 2011, KTM train platform to Singapore, 11pm (few seconds before train departure)

Eh, why are these people on our beds? Excuse me, may we see your ticket? Because I think this are our bunks....

Stranger: No, these are ours... See? *showing tickets*

I scanned through the ticket, everything was the same except for one thing, THE DATE. Ours showed 29th March 2011. That was a month ago. OMG. My heart pounded. This was our error. Mak screamed to Nani and me, "Get off the train NOW!!!'

We saw the platform attendant, rushed to him, begged him to let us on the train. But the train was full to the brim. Nani went into 'shut down' mode. Mak was almost crying. My heart was gone. It was the last train tonight. We wouldn't make it in time.

The attendant suggested we could take a bus from Bandar Tasik Selatan. But that is so far away! Mak remembered there was a coach bus we could take that was nearer, at the KL KTM station, but we have no way of knowing whether there would be any tickets left. We took a chance, took a cab to KTM KL.

12 midnight. NICE EXPRESS Bus Counter, Old Railway Station, KL.

"Bang, ade tiket tak ke Singapore?"

Nice Staff : Ada, bas bertolak pukul 12.30 nanti, untuk berapa orang ye?

With relief in our hearts we answered "3 orang".

Nice Staff: Oh sorry, kite ade tempat untuk 2 orang je.

Our hearts stopped again. Nani was still in 'shut down' mode, not saying a word. Mak was literally crying this time. Me? I seriously don't know. We begged again for them to let us on the bus, it was the last one, we would share the seats, it didn't matter, as long as we get to Singapore before the show starts, that was it. But they wouldn't let us, it was against regulations. The Nice staff who was very nice suggested we go to Bandar Tasik Selatan. He even contacted the station for us but they didn't pick up.

We rushed down to get a cab to Bandar Tasik Selatan. In the mad rush, my mom tripped on the stairs and fell at the exit door. She fell hard on her knee. Her bad knees. I was stunned. But Mak got up quickly, "Mak ok! I'm ok! Go!". Thank God.

While waiting for a cab, we all stood in silence. Each one of us thinking of the same thing.

Mak to Nani: Why don't just the 2 of you go? Mak baliklah... (hmm.. I wonder how she plans to do that?)
Nani ~ Mak ngan Kak Ina je la pegi. Nani dah tengok dah Lion King... ~ (thinks in her head, still in shut down mode)
Me to Nani: Maybe you and Mak should go, maybe I'm not supposed to go on this trip. (Maybe Izham wasn't really ikhlas in letting me go?)

Then a cab came, we took it. We might not make it in time. There might not be any tickets. But it was worth a try.

12.20 am Terminal Bersepadu Selatan (TBS)

Like a scene from Amazing Race, Nani and I ran up the escalator leaving Mak behind, hoping to catch the 12.30 train. (I got semput half of the way). There was only one counter open. At the counter, some nice Malaysians who were buying tickets for future let us pass through. We got our tickets, the bus leaves at 1.30am. Newfound fact, at TBS, they have buses up to 3am.

Taking the lift to find the waiting area, Mak asked me, "What's the name of the bus company?".
I looked at the tickets "Starmart Express" I replied.
"Tak pernah dengar pun?," Mak said.
Suddenly the only other person in the lift turned around to my Mom and said, "Macam mana boleh tak penah dengar, kita ada lebih 60 buah bas dalam rangkaian kita..... " and he went on explaining about the company to my mom's shocked+amused face. Apparently the only other person with us in the lift works for StarMart, haha, ironic isn't it? But StarMart Express saved our lives and we are indebted to them.

We sat at the chairs, waiting, contemplating what we just went through. Alhamdulillah.

When faced with difficulties, remember Allah, be patient, try our best to find solutions, exhaust all resources then Tawakkal. If we were meant to go, then we will. If we have tried everything and yet still fail, then it just wasn't meant to be.

We boarded the bus at 2am, we're on our way to Singapore!

At the Terminal Bersepadu Selatan

New friends, Old friends, Lost friends.

2011-04-24T16:53:00.000+08:00

Sad happenings usually inspire me to write. Its a form of therapy for me.

I've been feeling a growing distant feeling with a friend of mine. It was just a series of things happening over a period of time. I sense that we were growing apart. I remember that feeling well because I lost a best friend once, we're like complete strangers now, like we were never friends even. I try not to think of it, but I sometimes remember and it still hurts quite a bit more than I want it to.

Things change when I got married, as things usually do. I didn't get to hang out with my friends as often and as freely as before. My husband is understanding and he does let me go out with my friends, but sometimes time does not permit or you're just too tired or lazy. If you want to keep your friends, it takes a bit of an effort to constantly stay in touch even with facebook. Especially if your friends are still single and you married.

But sometimes it is not just that. Sometimes it is a totally different thing altogether.

There are some friends that no matter how long you were separated, yet when you meet, it's like you never left. No matter how many stories that you don't know that person has gone through, you still greet them as you always have, and they, you. And no matter whatever changes that the person makes, you still see them as you were when you first got to know them. To you, they never change, they're still the same person. These friends tend to have lasting friendships, they're friends until your old age. Because in their eyes you will always be you. And because of that, these relationships tend to be very forgiving. Lets call this group of friends Group A.

There are some friends who, at one point of your life, you become completely revolved around each others lives that you cannot imagine not ever being friends with them. But time and experience changes people. It changes your perception of things. So what once held you together stronger than superglue, get detached. Then you start to realize that you don't agree much anymore or that you get upset more and more at the conversations you have. It doesn't make you as happy as much as before, you just seem to get pissed after that phone call, you feel hurt after reading that facebook comment, you feel down when they don't reply your posting or whatever little thing that seems to bug you more often than before. The slight feeling of uneasiness does not disappear easily, it lingers and grows, and every time you meet them, it gets worse. You feel like they have changed and your encounters seem to give an air of awkwardness. You find that that you have less things to talk about, because you tip toe around topics because you feel afraid you might be judged, which might as well, you are not actually really talking at all. This group of friends, I'll call them Group B.

Then there are people whom are total strangers yet the first time you meet them, you feel like you've known them all your life. Usually accidentally, these people enter your lives in such a short amount of time, but it doesn't seem to matter that you don't know this person at all, yet you enjoy their company and you want to spend more time with them. Group C.

I get wary sometimes because I don't really make friends easily, I'm quite guarded. And because of past experiences, I am afraid of letting people in so fast and feel attached to them in some way, because I keep foreseeing that it will all end soon, and I will get hurt. I guess its an automated protective response from me to keep me from getting hurt. You see, I am a person of extremes, sort of. I'm either all in or not at all. If I'm a friend, I am your bff for life, I give my all or I don't even bother. I don't do middle range. Call it clingy, smothering, whatever... I am what I am. Even in love, I don't hold back, I love unconditionally. The down part of this is, you get hurt real bad and it leaves a permanent scar. It couldn't be fixed. So if any of my relationship goes in that direction.... I am never able to be okay with them, ever again.

I am thankful for my Group A friends. I am glad I have Group C friends.
But I sometimes wish I don't have friends from the B Group, because it hurts. Losing a friend is like having part of your life ripped out of your chest. I don't like that feeling.

We need all kinds of friends. It makes our lives richer. But take them for what they are and don't let it hinder you from living your life fully. In the end, we are all alone anyway.

Sometimes

2011-04-11T12:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when you feel like you couldn't be happier
something happens to snap it out of you
and all of a sudden
the tears just flow
to wash it out of your eyes

Sometimes when you thought you found a place to place yourself in
then you realize
that the place is just too small
to fit you in

Sometimes you think you found a calling in what you do
yet then you realize
there's so many more capable than you

Sometimes things just happen
to remind us
this is only a temporary world
this is not Heaven or the Hereafter
so we can't really be completely happy
lest we forget.

Back in the days of TKC: House Party 1994.

2011-03-15T16:22:00.001+08:00

I'm going to tell you about my high school.

Before continuing, I would like to state that these are MY memories from MY point of view so it may differ from any other person who might have went through the same experience.

From the age of 13, I went to an all girls boarding school in Seremban, Negeri Sembilan. The five years that I was there was an important experience that shaped a lot of the person that I am today. When everyone looks back at their own high school days, they look back in fondness of the memories but of course, it was never all sweet and honey. Going through the experience in your teenage years multiplied the emotions tenfold, it was extra in every way. That is why it is all so memorable.

Although the whole point of school is study, I don't particularly remember that part. Maybe because I was never the studious type and being in the top school in the country makes my academic achievements pale in comparison to others, therefore not worth mentioning. I remember the other experiences that are mostly outside of the classroom. The fun part. If asked what was the most valuable experience that I would hold on to in my high school years, it would probably have to do with the performances that we did for the many occasions we hosted for whatever reason may be.

All year round, there were parties. House parties, CS parties, table parties, class parties, birthday parties, dorm parties..... and then there were celebrations, Teachers day, Friendship day, OGA day, April Fools, Merdeka...... and then there are competitions, English Drama, Talentime, Sports day.... and depending on your chosen curricular activities, for me it was Police Cadets and Art Club. And all of these occasions were always presented is the grandest most spectacular scheme available. I later learned that that was where our ferocious need to excel beyond expectations in every single endeavor in our life came from.

After 3 paragraphs I figured I had to break down the story into parts. I can't squeeze 5 crazy years into 1 entry. I've put off writing about this for so long until I saw the pictures of my old school on Facebook uploaded by my ex Biology teacher, Mr Tan Hock Ann (thank you Sir, I am grateful). So for this entry I would just tell of 1 memory.

Tun Fatimah (Blue) House Party 1994.

Late one night, the fourth formers who were the party organizers came to our dorm Canna after lights out. All 30 of us first formers came down from our double decker beds to listen to our secret mission for our first ever house party. House parties are costume parties. Each house (there are four) tries to outdo the other to throw the most elaborately decorated themed party. Each dorm in the houses are given a specific theme for our costumes and we also have to come up with a performance to perform in front of the others. All this is done in secret and no other dorms are supposed to know of any one else's theme until the day of the party. Any leaked information would be forfeited (so they say).

This was all exciting stuff to me. Our given theme was - ghost and ghouls. Being someone who loves to dance, only one image popped to my head, Michael Jackson's Thriller. Through our dorm meeting discussions over late supper (air Wahi & Sugar Bun pastry from the dining hall), we decided to do a dance number involving the whole entire dorm that will be opened by a short sketch by 3 witches ala ala the Hocus Pocus movie we watched earlier during Film Show held every 2 Saturdays at Dewan Budiman. The three witches would be Irah, Oya and Ipah for their excellent acting capabilities and Chipook as the Book of Spells. The rest of us ghouls was lead by me as the choreographer along with Olin, Zureen and Sausan.

Unfortunately, it was a time before broadband and downloadable MP3s and one year before Michael Jackson's Dangerous compilation, so we couldn't get the Thriller soundtrack. We made do with what we had - Ace of Base, I Saw The Sign. Yes, laugh people (hey it was the 'in' song at that time okay). We were given a month to prepare, amidst classes, we managed to practice our routine and sew our costumes at the same time. The dorm was a horrible mess, 30 girls trying to dance in the dark aided only by corridor lights trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to piss the 5th formers studying in the lounge with our 'membadakness' (stomping). We pushed all the double decker beds together to make space. It was a feat. For me, choreographing a dance that was easy enough for everybody to follow yet cool enough for the audience was a tough challenge. I wish I had Youtube, haha, I could have done so much better.

Under the stress and pressure, fights broke out. I remember one particularly involving Irah and Ipah where I actually saw Irah literally flew accross me and Oya to attack Ipah. Its funny when I think of it now, but it was quite dramatic when it happened. I think it was something about Irah's stuff on Ipah's bed, I'm not sure. But I remember Oya's face holding a needle and thread when that happened. Priceless.

And the day came for the House Party. One of the coolest tradition for House Parties was that the fourth formers had closed off an entire flight of staircase from the fourth floor of the building and had tranformed it into a tunnel complete with slides and surprise pranks. All the people had to go through the tunnel to be presented at the end of it for the fifth formers and the rest of the house members.

I remember Sausan's black lipstick became public property as all of us tried to get ready in front of the limited mirrors at the front of the dorm. With my limited sewing skills, I decided to become Eddie Munster, a teenage werewolf from the show Munsters Today. All I needed was jeans, t shirt, a jock jacket and lots and lots of hair gel. I taped my ears and put on the makeup. I was a bit of a tomboy (hard to imagine huh?) so it was easy. I remember Olin dressed as a pretty fairy and everyone else was ghosts, zombies, vampires and such. When the time came to go through the tunnel I was actually really scared, scared of the unknown, all this was so new to me, I remember being confused at the end of the tunnel, I was going to do a howl or something but I totally forgot because I was so overwhelmed by all the eyes on me when I came out from the dark.

Then came the time for the performance. I remember the 3 witches acting was awesome. The dance, I don't know, all I remembered was I had fun dancing with my dorm mates, all 30 of us, hehe, I think we pulled it off. There was food, and the decorations and costumes were fantastic. I remember Selindang Delima (Green) house did a Disney theme and they built a ship in the lounge. It was all so impressive and overwhelming the amount of effort and detail that was put into it. And all this was done by hand by the students. I was in awe and dumbstruck and couldn't wait until I was a fourth former and it would be our turn to plan the party.

But alas, the House Party was banned when I reached Form Four, under the basis of wastage and amidst complaints that students were paying to much attention to the parties than to their studies. So when it was our turn, we were only allowed to wear our school uniforms and had a normal makan-makan. Dissapointed, yeah. but at least I got to experience it.

It was my first year in Tunku Kurshiah College and I came to love it more and more. It was the people that made the memories and my 29 dorm mates in Canna, Block C Tun Fatimah made it all worthwhile, they were my first friends in high school and we shared so much more than just a cramped fire hazard space.

To (in bed location order), Alfieya, Sauce, Nogha, Juan, Murni, Effa, Wanie, Sheeda, Ddee, Luna, Dayang, Azah, Jaja, Zehan, Oya, Ilmi, Olin, Adel, Zureen, Nikky, Ipah, Irah, Aidah, Chikot, Chipook, Hani, Rabia, Eni and Enol..... thank you.

p/s: Any of you have the picture from that day? It'd be great if I could 'lampirkan' here, hehe...

Things I have learned from my students so far.

2011-03-05T14:31:00.001+08:00

I had an incredible roller coaster week.

The past 2 years have been crazy, my whole life was turned upside down ever since I started teaching.

Yesterday, I had a final presentation class with my students. This semester I gave them a project, a conceptual book that also acts as their resume as fresh graphic designers. In the book, they were supposed to design an infographics CV, a magazine interview, a catalogue and an advertisement about themselves. When I gave the project, I just thought of it as a fun way for them to learn the different layout styles.

But I got more than I asked for.

Despite struggling with a new software (Adobe InDesign) and juggling 4 to 5 other subjects with equally challenging projects, they did an AMAZING job. It was way more than I expected, they totally surprised me. But what strikes me most was during their presentation.

I was a bit pissed at first because they seemed to have forgotten a lot of details that were required in the project. I was looking at all the minute details and was starting to get all angry with their typography errors and a whole lot of other things. But slowly as I paid close attention to what they were saying, I realized something more.

They shared their experiences while explaining the infographics, and I found out a lot about their backgrounds. Most of them have worked doing various jobs before and some of them are still working. They worked at restaurants, became gas pump attendants, supermarket promoters and some were even construction workers at some point. I felt a bit unsettled. I'll explain why later.

They also had various education before coming to UNISEL, some were studying architecture, computer science, engineering and one is even a certified accountant. Most don not even have an art background. Some were from other art institutions but continued their studies in UNISEL for the financial factor. It is the cheapest private art and design program in the country, with relatively low syarat kelayakan masuk (entry requirements). This saying that the cream of the crop students would not normally choose UNISEL Art & Design program if they had a choice of other more established institutions like UiTM.

When it got to the magazine interview part of the book, where I gave them a series of questions to answer, like "Why do you want to be a graphic designer?", "What is the area of design that you are most interested in and why?, "Why should you be hired?", "Who are your influences?" and the last one was "What is your ultimate dream in life?", it got more interesting.

I observed that a tie that binds these students together is their love and passion for art. You may not see it in their work, as they are still in the learning process and as is the norm, of course some students are more skillful than others. But these students love art with a vengeance. I am in awe of this. Through their presentation I found out a lot more about them and that besides studying, they do a lot of art and design activities outside on their own. Some of them have online shops selling their own designs, some of them freelance for magazines and newspapers, some of them have their own art collective (ARUS) and whole lot of other things they do for the sake of their love for art. I find this awe inspiring.

Regardless of their age, background or which batch or class they come from, there is no such thing as seniority basis, most of my students get along well with all the other batches, something that I did not have the privilege of experiencing when I was a student. They organize events together, almost every month the Art and Design faculty of UNISEL has events and exhibitions organized by the students themselves. Just this year, we had Gunex (Gundam exhibition), Alam Selam (underwater photography exh), Screenshots A Stop in Motion (a stop motion typography and animation screening and just last Thursday was the fourth Cinemini (screening of students' animation, documentary, film, video... etc) and more to come.

And all of this while still doing their projects and assignments. I am envious of their student experience. They have a lot of opportunities and resources to do many great things that I wished I had the courage and willpower or desire 'keinginan' to do when I was a student.

I am still a new educator, but I have learned so much from my students.

Some have gone through a lot of hardships before ending up where they are now. They had to take the long winding road before finding their call in the field of art and design. These students are brave, street smart, tough and have a resilient attitude in life which I am full of respect for because I live a life full of privilege and chances and my choices in life were pretty much straightforward. I don't think that I would have been as strong as them given the same circumstances.

It started out as just a class project. I was a lecturer who was easily upset and disheartened and got mad at the many mistakes my students made. But now, I have learned to look beyond that and look at the effort of each student, at their journey from the start until the end of the program. The many mistakes they made only helps them to be that much better than before. They are still learning, and it is my responsibility as an educator to make sure they know how to learn and most importantly, to WANT to learn on their own. I learned to be patient, open to other perspectives and empathize with them. I also learned that sometimes you just need to chill, relax and laugh.

To my students, past and present, thank you so much. You have made my life a living hell yet heavenly bliss all at the same time. No matter what they say about students who study Art & Design in UNISEL, I know that these students have so much to offer the world because, hey, look what they did to me.

Date A Girl Who Reads

2011-03-05T02:20:00.003+08:00

Raiha gave me this link she found ( thank you so much Raiha!!!) , I think it is extremely beautiful, I wanna share it too....

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

— Rosemary Urquico

There are just so many parts in it that I love, especially the last paragraph but the ayat yang

"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are."

rase cam nak nangis coz it is SO TRUE.

I've never read Murakami, Yeats, Neruda and almost all of the classic references stated except maybe Alice. But I enjoy reading nonetheless. I love fairy tales, kids stories, Harry Potter & Enid Blyton. I did not get through the first chapter of the Fellowship. I like some, not all of Neil Gaiman's work, I read mostly non fiction works and the encyclopaedia is my favorite read because I can choose where and what i read about. I like stories that are magical and fantasy but happy in outlook. I am starting my own collection of local writers works like Amir Muhammad, Adibah Amin, Farish Noor, Karim Raslan, Hishamudin rais and Zurinah Hassan in my effort to know of my own country's story. My favorite writer is actually my best friend Ainul Huda and Oya when she used to blog.

So yeah, the article touched me in the way it tells of the experience of joy when reading. Although I don't know most of the references given and sometimes I do try to read the classics but I don't get them, actually, but that does not make me less of a reader.

Look What I Found : Leather, Stitches and TRON.

2011-02-27T01:43:00.001+08:00

I'm starting this new section in my blog to share things that I found (in this case, bought, heh.)

1. Meidina purse \ RM 70 ~ Amcorp
My husband bought this for me at a shop in Amcorp which sells handbags from Korea, forgot the shop name. I thought it looked cool, kinda like Tron because of the lining and the material which I don't know what.

2. "Hermes-leather wallet" \ RM60 ~ Plaza Shah Alam
My husband bought this for me too, haha, I was looking for a new wallet to replace the one I've been using since 2005, a Samuel & Kevin denim wallet my Art Director from CTG gave me as a gift from Hong Kong. My husband says the wallet is in such a bad state that if I threw it in the lake I would definitely pollute it. Anyway, I have never been a sucker for brand names, I liked the design of this wallet because of the styling, and the clasp has a 'H' which when can be viewed as an 'I' from the side. Either way, it is my initial Irina Hariati, heh, yeah, I have the weirdest reason for buying things. Oh, its a fake, but it looks good.

3. Brandless lace up ankle boot \ RM80 ~ Amcorp Flea Market
I've been looking for a brown lace up boot for a while, the ones I found are either too expensive or too 'embellished'. This one was just perfect and it was lined with purple velvet on the inside. It didn't have any brand which is one of the best reasons why I like it.

4. "Gucci Handbag" \ RM40 ~ Amcorp Flea Market
Yes it is a fake. The guy who sold it held a ignited lighter to it, speaking in some foreign language pretending to be Malay, but I think he was trying to say that the material doesn't burn or something like that. I liked the simple shape, its cute size and the 'neatness' of the structure. Luckily the "Gucci" brand was slightly debossed on the 'leather' and so small so you could hardly see it.

So yeah, I've got more items that I want to share. I have always had a thing for leather and stitches but I can't afford real leather so yeah, fakes rule!!

Day of questions

2011-02-20T01:38:00.000+08:00

Hot oil on the face
I'm all over the place

I put on 'bedak sejuk'
Do you think it'll work on my heart?

I left my duties
it has been a while
It's so hard to get back in rhythm
when you have strayed so far

Days go by
as does time
I am making a lot of waste

Lazyness is my desease
couple it with ignorance
or is it denial?
and this is what you get

Sometimes I do
Sometimes I don't
It is my Grid, yet I can't stick to it
so what is left is chaos
what is left is a lingering sadness of no source

I miss God
it seems I have deviated so far
I try to grasp
Inconsistencies are a bane
my efforts are menial

and it rushes over
dominoes through everything else

I need to pray
it is the only cure I know
my heart is dying

5 out of 5
it shouldn't be so hard
yet I hardly manage 2 per day

I need to find my way
I need to get there
To be among the 2 groups
The first group I think I have no chance
The 2nd group, it has less of people today
that means only a few of us can make it

But I really do not want to be from the third group
The ones the get the book from the left hand

Funny, it seems I'm doing everything to not get where I want to go

It will be any day now

That day of questions

I just want to go
underneath where rivers flow
and hear that Salam

am I worthy?
I know not

A Home Made of Dreams.

2011-01-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

*This entry is best viewed alongside Google Image for references*

When I have a beautiful house like the one in Practical Magic (torn down after the movie) or The Le Coq D'Or Mansion aka Bok House in Jalan Ampang KL (now torn down, stupid city council), as close to the blue ocean like Maldives,
I would have....

my kitchen and dining area to look warm and wholesome like Nando's,

a mysterious library like Hogwart's,

a charming dance room with mirrors like Flashdance + Step Up,

a vintage but modern studio like the architecture firm in Cinta or the old Cenfad building,

and a bathroom as calming as the Pangkor Laut Resort Spa.

My living room sparse but cozy like British India,
furnished with the timeless furniture of Kevin Flynn's home in Tron Legacy,
Art Nouveau-esque wood carvings, grilles and furnishing like in Henry Van de Velde's house,
and white billowing curtains like the Nescafe ad featuring Nasha Aziz in the early 90s.

The bedroom would be inspired by the Victorian Gothic era + The Carnivale + Theatre/Opera house + Puteri Gunung ledang the Musical,
with the bed from Brandy The Boy is Mine music video which is actually a swing like in a hindustani movie that has drapes like the bed in Original Sin,
It would have a bewitching vanity area like Anna Sui's cosmetics counter,
Satine's boudoir in Moulin Rouge would be my sexy walk in closet filled with clothes like T-Joue, handbags like Kate Spade and shoes from Nine West and of course, anything designed by Rizalman Ibrahim.

And for the exterior part....

Labyrinth movie + Secret Garden book + Alice in Wonderland (book & movie) would be the inspiration for the wonder of my garden,
The view ethereal like in the film Mamma Mia + Rivendell in Lord of the Rings,
A peaceful inner courtyard like Al Hambra, Granada, Spain,
A romantic balcony like in Verona Italy in Romeo and Juliet,
A private lookout tower like Istana Seri Menanti,
A praying area in the likes of the floating mosque in Jeddah or Kuala Terengganu,
The enchanting corridors and hallways of Bangunan Keretapi Tanah Melayu + Bangunan Sultan Abdul samad,
With big old trees lining the driveway like Taiping in Yasmin Ahmad's movies or in those old Dunhill TV ads where the black expensive car swooshes by and scatters the dry leaves,
and a cool tranquil barbeque pit like in Sek San's Sekeping Serendah.

And all the places and spaces and places would be filled with unforgettably beautiful memories shared with people that I love and care about.

I originally began my blog as a place where I can freely wander in my imagination. I've had a wonderful trip, I hope you had too. Good night.

Fireworks, Katy Perry

2011-01-10T12:54:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

live. die.

2011-01-10T12:44:00.000+08:00

There are times when I wish I wasn't me.
I'm too scared to live, yet too afraid to die at the same time.

I Need House.

2010-11-24T15:02:00.000+08:00

Whats wrong with our house now? Rather than paying RM800 for rent, add a little more and we could get our own house. With MSU just across the river, our neighbours are now very rowdy, very noisy, very annoying therefore very I-want-to-kill-all-of-you which speeds up our want-our-own-abode. Like, NOW.

We are looking to buy a house. A simple 2 storey terrace/link house. Anywhere in or near Shah Alam. Price 300k max. Safe. Bonus points for low traffic flow, no toll, many access points and lots of trees (and Fast food joints - husband).

Homework beforehand, iproperty.com, hartanah.net, starproperty.my and mudah.com. are my new BFFs. What I have found out so far;

PROPERTY PRICES ARE RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!

Both Izham and I are earning a pretty stable income so we consider ourselves Middle Income. So I thought that we could afford an average, normal, 2 storey link house. WRONG. We cannot afford a house in Shah Alam where we work. Shah Alam only caters for the bourgeois apparently. Or 23 students renting in one house.

So we looked around the surrounding areas, Putra Heights, Setia Alam, Bukit Raja etc, etc ...... but none are below 300k which allows us to pay monthly installments of RM1500 which is what we can afford collectively. Idealistic sangatkah aku???

I just think that paying 400k - 800k for a 20 x 70 intermediate 2 storey terrace/link house is utterly incredulously preposterous. Paying for the address?? I call that oppression. In other words, that is just a load of crap.

Beggars can't be choosers. We're beggars in our own city when it comes property. Here I am, begging, God, please, help us find a house that is good for us, please.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

2010-11-15T14:19:00.000+08:00

Ever since I got married, I have never faced any major problem or issues other than the usual ups and down of relationships. So forgive me when I choose to write about an issue of mine that has no affect whatsoever on the political climate of the world or environmental concerns or anything to do with hunger, poverty or war.

A very petty issue it is, self-centered and selfish, yes, but an issue. still it is, to me.

I feel fat and ugly.

There, I said it. I am so ashamed to admit it, but yeah, I have vanity issues. In fact, it was probably one of the reasons I disappeared from facebook for a while. As the name says "FACE book", and I do not have a FACE in which I could FACE the world, even in a virtual one.

I gained a lot of weight drastically after marriage, 20 kilos to be exact in the span of 1 year and a half. The Wii-Fit game on my sister's Nintendo Wii told me I was obese and that my health is that of a 45 year old woman. I was advised by 3 doctors to lose the weight if I want to conceive a child.

I can hardly fit into my clothes and dressing to go to work is a psychological struggle I go through every day. Accompany that with the frequent questions of whether I am expecting a baby when I'm just fat and the fact that every where I go I am approached by these slimming companies to subscribe to their RM10 600 for 30 days programme, it really makes my day - excruciatingly painful .

In between my mum telling me the ugly truth that I can't wear heels because I keep falling down and spraining my ankle because my small feet cannot bear the brunt of my weight and being surrounded by young beautiful people everywhere around me, I try to keep it cool with self deprecating jokes when inside, I actually want to take a knife and slice all my fat away.

I know they say that beauty comes from within and is not just skin deep and my husband tells me I am the most beautiful woman all the time. I know I am so blessed and lucky in life. But every time I see a picture of me being tagged and I remember how I look like just 2 years ago, it is hard to keep telling myself – yes, I AM beautiful.

There are some people, normal people that I see and I would like to be like them. There are 3 of them to be exact, I would like to name them but I can’t. They seem to have this ethereal quality, which makes them very likable, approachable. I talked about this with my best friend and my husband. The discussion with my best friend yielded a result that our problem was being too blunt and expressive with our feelings towards others, more so when the feeling is that of dislike or loathsome even. That trait that we both have causes us to be, well, disliked, unapproachable and sometimes even feared. So we thought that maybe we have to be slightly ‘hypocritical’ or in nicer words ‘cordial’ to people or situations that make us go “blagh- tughh!”

My husband’s observation on these 3 individuals show that they are incapable of having a ‘masam’, sulky face. The ‘face’ that people feel like they want to smack, haha, so says my sister. Those 3 people I like, they look like they are constantly smiling and even their normal face is – normal looking. I smile, but my normal, expressionless face is actually sulking to others who are looking at me. My husband calls it the “Go away, don’t you dare mess with me or I will kill you” look. My family actually attests that I have this ‘face’. I actually don’t even realize I do that, I thought I was just having a vacant expressionless look.

I am trying to eat less and move more. I remind myself to smile as often as I can remember. I am buying new clothes (maternity ones are so comfortable) and wearing flats. I am trying not to get depressed looking at my own photos and reflection. I am trying to deal with this as best I can; even writing about it helps me purge my system from the negativity. I am trying to overcome this problem, in my brain, in my heart and in my body, so help me God. If I want to be beautiful, I need to just BE beautiful. That’s a start, I hope.

Making Things Beautiful - Part 2

2010-11-01T17:14:00.000+08:00

Another long due project I just completed last weekend (with Yayang's help of course). Refer to the pics numbering for this one.

This time around, the challenge was;

1 - We have a "doorless" room with not enough walls and more clothes than our cupboards could fit. (pic 1)

2 - I (not we, hehe) have no place for my shoes. (pic 2)

So... my proposed solution;

Get an ubiquitous storage shelf. This one I got from Jaya Jusco for the price of RM119 (pic 3). It originally has backing boards but we didn't put them in when we were assembling the shelf. I got 2 shelves actually, the other one cost RM99 because it didn't come with backing boards, but it has 12 compartments (pic 6). IKEA has a similiar design which costs RM499 if I'm not mistaken.

Be sure to check the parts of the shelf first, we had to wait 3 months to replace a wrong board of the shelf, but Jusco people were very nice to entertain us.

Next, I got some funky textiles from IKEA. I chose black and white to match the shelves and so it doesn't look "serabut" when I put hings in them. Then I measured the shelves and had a tailor to cut it to size and jahit the tepi so it doesn't 'berbulu'. Next, with some thumb tacks and a very helpful husband, he helped me to hammer the tacks to attach the fabric at the back of the shelves. (pic 6)

I used 2 different fabrics for the 2 shelves to add a bit of interest. To create a "wall", just stack up the 2 shelves one on top of the other, and push them in place. As u can see, it almost reaches the ceiling. (picture 4 and 6).

Then I just fill up the shelf with my stuffs (picture 5). Decorative boxes help keep things (like socks, bags, bla bla bla..) tidy.

For the shoes, look closer at picture 8, I used plastic dining place mats that I cut to size and place them underneath the shoes so that my heels don't scratch the shelf. Plus its pretty, hehe.

So now the room has a wall that also functions as storage space or display area. The shelves leave just enough space for the room to have a doorway AND I bought an iron curtain railing for RM32 and put it across 2 shelves for extra hanging space for the clothes (pic 9). So now the cozy room acts as a walk in wardrobe and also a prayer room.

Taraaaaaaa!!!!!

So there, its a pretty simple project that I'm happy to share with you guys. Till next time, don't forget, make things beautiful and make beautiful things!!!! xoxo Irin

p/s: Picture 7 is my Drocell Figma that Yayang gave me for my birthday, she wants to enter frame jugak. The small wooden trees are from KK home deco and the origami was made by my student Arina Ramli which she just chuck around our house when she came over.

Why I think my husband's hobby of building model kits is SEXY.

2010-10-29T18:37:00.000+08:00

My husband is a toy collector. He collects Marvel and DC action figures, Transformers, Gundams, GI Joe and Star Wars vehicles and a whole lot of other things. He's not just a collector, he also builds, paints and kitbashes scale models/model kits of robots, tanks and a whole lot of other stuff that I'm not even sure what they're called.

A lot of people don't seem to understand this hobby. Some say its a waste of time and money. Most people even say he's immature. Well, I'm the wife. If anyone has anything to say about it, that would be me. And I think it's SEXY, and it was one of the factors that attracted me about him. And here's why...

1) It shows he has passion.

Men with interest or hobbies are passionate about something. People who are passionate feel strongly about the things they love and care about. The love and care that my husband puts in the details when he builds and paints models are impressive. He shows attention to minute little details that make all the difference. And that also means, he is VERY GOOD with his hands.

2) He is home. With me.

He builds and paints in his studio, sometimes in the living room of our small apartment. He just needs a few tools and a small space. The tools aren't expensive either. Unlike some hobbies with expensive equipment that needs the person to be in a field or a lake or somewhere other than home. So while he does his work, I just do my own thing around the house but at ANY TIME I need him, he is there and he is able to stop his work and attend to me. Even better, he can still borak with me while putting together a Gundam at the same time.

Example, if he plays futsal, he has to be at the pitch, then he lepaks with his friends after the game and there will be days where he wants to watch the game on TV or at the mamak with friends, while the wife stays at home or the wife follows and she has to lepak with all the cigarette smoke around. Errr... sorry, but that's not my idea of fun.

3) It makes money, fame and glory. haha.

No, seriously, it does. A lot of people from around the country, no, world, yes, I said world, commissions him to paint or kitbash their toys. I can't tell you how much he makes, that's confidential, but know this, his "toys" provided him with the money to get married to me within 6 months. And you know weddings cost a lot kan?

And it gives me a sense of pride when I see his works and even more surprising when some random stranger comes up to him and says " You are Ryukaze? Man, I'm a fan of your works!". And as humble as he is, he just smiles and continues to have a conversation with that stranger about what else? Toys of course.

4) He really knows his stuff. He's not a poser.

Being a tv show host wannabe like me, I like asking questions and interviewing people. It totally pisses me when most times, the people who say they're into something can't answer simple questions about their interest. I however, equate people's ability to answer questions to their intelligence level. Articulate la basically. But believe me when I say, u can ask Ryukaze anything about the things that he likes and he can regale you with encyclopedic editions of it. I'm a nut for a good story, so I enjoy when he tells me the story behind Halo, Transformers and Gundams. And he doesn't pretend to know things he doesn't. Yes, his intelligence charms my pants off. Literally.

5) Immature? Man (or woman), you have no idea what maturity is.

Yes, he plays with TOYS. Some guys play with cars. Some guys play with fish rods. Some guys even play with women. I'd rather he play with little plastic things are not expensive yet has resale value in any given time, era even country.

All of us need something to amuse us, entertain us, to sustain our imagination and playfulness. Its what makes life interesting. I believe, to each his own.

He may not look his age, but when a situation needs him to man up, my husband does that without hesitation. It comes naturally that he protects my honor, my well being, my safety, my sanity and my happiness. And he fulfills his responsibilities.

Maturity is not about what one does as his hobby. Maturity is about taking responsibility and doing what is right. That is what being a man or "Da Man" is all about. Maturity is when you can show respect and love a wife unconditionally. Maturity is understanding the balance of both strength and weakness. Its not about being macho all the time. Control hensem is so passe.

6) The work he does is a work of art. So it gives a sense of achievement and fulfillment which feeds the soul which in return produces a very positive human being.

7) Its so easy to get him birthday or anniversary presents. Just look at his toy wishlist.

He is comfortable in his own skin being who he is and that confidence is what is charming about him. And that ultimately makes him sexy in my eyes.

His hobby makes him happy, and that makes me happy. He makes me happy.

So yeah, toy collecting and model kit building are awesome hobbies. So there.

P/s: If you want to know more about what my husband actually does, check out his blog www.rkdesigns.blogspot.com. If you want to know more about toy collecting or model kit building, join up www.zerogunz.com or www.sembangtoys.com or www.transmy.com.

Weekend Dilemma.

2010-10-21T17:05:00.000+08:00

With the weekend looming near, I'm as happy as everyone else. However, the weekend poses a dilemma. How would I spend these 2 precious days?

Being married, now I have 3 families. My family with my Mak, Bapak, siblings, nephews and nieces. My husband's family and my own family with my husband. Most weekends are spent alternately with our families. Thank God they're not that far apart.

But I miss my friends. I envy their facebook status when they have plans to hang out and I'm not included. But that's part of the deal when you get married, I get it, I know things will never be the same as before. Sure my husband doesn't mind me hanging out with my friends. But rarely is the time free for both parties to hang out. Its either I'm occupied or they have plans.

My friend Irah just gave birth, I want to visit her. Same as some other friends too who have birthdays, bbq, cukur jambul, kenduri, open houses, whatever.....

I don't drive. That's a problem. I have to be driven or picked up. How long can anyone put up with that? I don't blame them. I can't expect my husband to be my driver. Especially if it concerns a place that has many people or anywhere outside of the Shah Alam & Kota Damansara radius. And if its my friends, then he'll be bored to hell.

Then of course, I also want time for myself, to do my things. Just restful things like read or maybe a facial or swimming. I have never been to a hair salon for hair treatments EVER. I am so teringin to know what a manicure and pedicure feels like. Or lepak with my husband. Yeah, we work at the same place, bt that's it, we WORK. Sometime we just want to rest and do nothing.

I also want to go to art events, exhibitions, conventions, waterfalls, forests, picnics....

And sometimes, weekend is all the time I have to do the laundry and clean the house....

And I don't even have kids yet.

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything else besides myself and I'm not sure how to handle this.

A letter to my child.

2010-09-27T12:45:00.000+08:00

My dearest child,

I'm writing this because I want to share with you about relationships. Why now? Well because Hari Raya was a matchmaking frenzy for your Aunty Nani and your father had just gone through an online battle with one of his exes who said some pretty nasty things in a very nasty way about him. Also, you may be feeling sad after a heartbreak so this is how I plan to pujuk you, I'd like to tell you this.

In our lives, we will come across many people. Some of them will enter your life and leave a profound effect on you, some may be fleeting but still deserves a space in your memory, some might be there for as long as you remember yet you can't remember why they're there. And of these people, there will be a few, or one, that you fall in love with and give your heart and almost your entire soul to. And if you're like me, you wouldn't know it any other way than to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

I only had one prior relationship before I met your father, so I am not an expert when it comes to heartbreaks. But I'll tell you what I know. It feels very painful and hurts like hell. The pain comes from from way inside your body and pierces the depths of your heart. It racks your brain and literally feels like someone stabbed you over and over again. You would think that this is the worst ever pain that you can feel, you feel like dying. You would probably say, " Yeah Mom, I know, I'm feeling it right now, but you don't understand!!"

I want you to know that its fine, you have to feel that way because you are only human. Grieve. Anger. Remorse. Numbness. Sad. Hysterical. I want you to let yourself feel all that. Wallow in it for a while because you deserve to. A relationship is a bond of unnormal proportions so it deaerves to be grieved upon. You might want to act fine like its all okay because you want to be strong, yes I commend that, but only after you let yourself wallow, even if you do it by yourself in private, and your best friends never know how miserable you feel. But your real friends will know, because they can tell, no matter how expertly you conceal it. And in that time, I want you to always remember to love yourself more than you love another person, and to love God more than you love yourself. Talk to God in any way, remember He listens and He sees, and He knows. He knows EVERYTHING.

This is another part there I will tell you but I know you won't listen to me. You might be really angry and blame everything on the other person (Hell yeah Mom). But in every relationship, it is a 2 way thing. Both have their faults and flaws, remember that, yes, I mean you too my child. (What? Your my Mom, you're supposed to be on my side!). But if you believe in God, truly and deeply, you would know that being Almighty and Powerful as He is, He knows what he is doing, what has happened and what will be. As your Creator and Designer, He has your blueprint from the cradle to the grave.

We humans, have the wonderful ability of learning. And as it is, we learn best, through making mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. Experiencing many different emotions, both good and bad, makes us better people. Why else are we here if not to serve God, to be His servant. And trying to be the best version of ourselves is is our mission, vision and objective in this world.

Every deed, every mistake, in every single moment that passes, makes us into what we are today. Our decisions, actions determines what kind of person we are.

Jodoh is a complicated business, yet, none of it is ours.

We can try our best and convince ourselves wholeheartedly that this is the person for me. This is my soulmate. We have so much history together. We were meant for each other. We are like SO compatible. Even the stars say so! It is destiny, it is fate.

My dear child, God is awesome. So awesome that only He knows what is right for you and what is not, when it comes to the person you marry. Can't argue with Him, y'know.

So if you you believe and have faith in God, you would know the He has arranged everything as he sees fit. If the relationship did not work out, then it is for the better, for both of you. Both of you will find someone else that fits you perfectly in every way. Your real soulmate, your real true love, as ordained by God. For your ex, wish him or her well, do not hate, do not harbour grudges, and most of all, do not REGRET. If they were good to you, be thankful, and remember them in memory as being an important part of your life.Wish them how you would wish upon yourself. Wish them happiness and forgiveness for you would want to be forgiven and happy too.

The relationships we forge, are there to help and guide us on our journey. Come away from each of those relationships with something learned. And when you do get married, cherish it, for it took both of you a long and treacherous journey to meet each other. But it will all be worth it.

To my soulmate, your father, whom words have no description of how grateful I am for you, it took me forever to get here but Alhamdulillah.

Love always,
Your Mommy.

My Husband. My version. (kalau nk muntah, pls jangan baca)

2010-04-25T20:19:00.000+08:00

Saya sayang suami saya. Kenapa?
Sebab dia sangat best dan dia sayang saya baaaaanyak sangat.

Suami saya suka music trance. Saya suka muzik tenang-tenang.
Tapi kami dua-dua suka muzik pop korea.

Suami saya suka duduk rumah main game. Saya suka jalan-jalan mandi laut dan sungai.
Tapi kami dua-dua suka hati bile tengok How I Met Your Mother dan Ouran High School.

Suami saya suka masak. Saya suka tidur.
Tapi kami dua-dua memang suka makan.

Suami saya suka baca komik. Saya suka majalah design.
Tapi kami dua-dua nangis teresak-esak lepas baca novel Cecilia Ahern.

Suami saya suka melukis. Saya suka menulis.
Tapi saya amat meminati hasil karya dia dan dia juga suka baca hasil tulisan saya.

Suami saya seorang yang sangat relax teapi suka maki hamun ketika memandu.
Saya pulak selalunya kelihatan stres tapi sebenarnya sangat manja dan ngada-ngada.
Tapi bila bersama, kami tak malu untuk menjadi diri kami sendiri dan berkelakuan seperti budak-budak kerana seronok.

Suami saya seorang pensyarah yang cool dan kelakar. Saya pula konon-konon garang.
Tapi kami dua-dua sayang anak-anak murid kami.

Suami saya besar orangnya, Saya pulak makin membesar bila bersama dengan dia.
Tapi bila jalan dengan dia, saya tetap nampak kecik dan comel (or so he says)..

Di mata dia, saya sangat istimewa.

Suami saya membuat saya rasa seperti seorang wanita yang hebat.
Dengan kata-kata dan perbuatannya, saya merasa seperti seorang yang paling cantik, paling pandai, paling baik dan paling disayangi. Saya merasa dia sangat bangga mempunyai isteri seperti saya.

Suami saya percaya pada diri saya dan membuat saya percaya pada diri bahawa saya mampu mencapai apa sahaja yang ingin saya kecapi.

Saya tak tau pasal orang lain, tapi pada saya, suami saya adalah nikmat dari Tuhan yang sangat besar dan hebat. Dan kasih sayang adalah satu bukti kekuasaanNya yang agung.

Saya berdoa agar kasih sayang kami diredhai, diberkati dan dirahmati. love you yayang.

Making Things Beautiful part 1

2010-03-23T14:24:00.001+08:00

Since my yayang is now a staple peddler at Amcorp Mall Flea Market selling his toys and custom paint works, I am left alone every Sunday, from sunrise til sunset.

Having the house all to myself, I decided to make myself useful. So this is what I did last weekend to a particular wall in our apartment. Years of collecting frames from various places with no idea what to do with them, I finally put them to good use.

I just realised that I usually buy 3 or 4 of the same frames, I don't know why. But in this case the four sides of the main frame in the middle gave me an idea on how to arrange them. I didn't want the arrangement to be static and boring. I want it to look random but with a system to it. Inspired by the Fibonacci sequence and the spiral motion of a sun dial, I arranged each of the 4 frames on each side, to avoid repetitive elements within adjacent spaces. Its a clockwise movement so the frames turn a 90 degree turn on each side to give an interesting visual variety even though they are the same design.

I love working with squares and rectangles, it poses a lot of structural possibilities. I'm quite obsessive with four sided shapes. It took awhile to align the sides so all the frames actually lie on a grid. I also have to consider the colour of the frames which I originally wanted to paint all in black, but against the creamish wall, the gold accents and the natural wood colour looked good. The gold also mirrors my other sun mirror on the grey lavender feature wall behind the TV and the curtains (nt shown here).The overly decorated frames are played down by its almost analogous simultaneous contrast with the background. And too much black would just add a sombre mood and I wouldn't want that in my home.

Using plastic hooks with adhesive tape I got from Tesco and Giant, I arranged the hooks beforehand. It was quite tricky and I screwed up some of the parts, especially the lower part, The white frame is too much to the right, both the black frames are too low.

I had to wait 12 hours for the hooks to set but I was impatient so I put it all up within 9 hours.

TADAAAAAAA!!!!!!! It was meant to be a modular system in which I could add in more frames in the future. Its actually like a BIG MINDMAP, I intend to fill the frames not just with photos but also illustrations, typo and pattern. My Yayang and I are gonna build our memories into the frames and replace the illustrations with our future adventures. So it will fill up slowly and grow more and more. It also acts as our Vision Poster of our hopes and dreams of how we wish our life to be. If we ever move house, the wall moves and grows with us.

Sigh... I enjoyed this project a lot, that's why I want to share it with you guys. I have an affinity to make beautiful things and making things beautiful. So the next time my husband goes off to Amcorp to sell his projects, I'll be working on my own projects... hehehe...

AMOK

2010-03-23T14:23:00.000+08:00

I lost my temper in class the other day. I really lost it. Was so angry, my entire body felt so hot and I shook uncontrollably. I had to leave the class before a student gets injured.

I regretted it. Remembering what happened, I still feel my anger building up. My eyes feel hot and watery again, I could scream.

It wasn't just anger. It was a combination of anger, frustration and disappointment. Of the highest kind. I still don't know how to handle that feeling.

I love design and and even more, I love teaching design. Especially this semester, when I got to teach all my favourite subjects.

But it KILLS ME. Literally KILLS ME, when students don't show up, even more, when they don't even show the slightest interest in design. I share as much of what I've learned and experienced, preparing my own notes that have been simplified to the bare minimum in order to help my students understand or at least inspire them to learn and want to know more about design.

I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. How can they be so indifferent? So disinterested?

I'm sad to see such level of loathsome. I'm angry to see such profound laziness. I'm disappointed that i don't get to see even a slightest bit of PASSION, of ENTHUSIASM or even of INTEREST in the students. It saddens me and it kills me.

I wish I could teach students who really want to learn, who really want to be here. Students who genuinely believe that an education in design will somehow be of some value to them.

Its frustrating and downright depressing. And they ruin the industry. Just because they don't care. Maybe I'll just sell keropok lekor. On an island. In Terengganu.

At Wits End.

2010-02-12T17:04:00.003+08:00

Been bored out of my wits lately. Yayang has been working on robots and models so I have to entertain myself in between the Glee episodes which we finished last night.

I pulled my boring face and Izham feels guilty. "Why don't you do something you like?," he asked me.

"like what?," I pouted.

" You can surf the net," he suggests.

"The internet is boring. It takes too long to go through the pile of shit before getting anything even half as interesting, which by then, I'm just too tired of looking at the screen. Nothing I can find on the internet thats fun."

"You can play games", he tries yet again

"I dont like games. Cant sustain me for long."

"Okayy... what do u like? whats ur hobby or interest?"

"I like books."

"Then go read a book," he says hopefully albeit a bit agitated.

"I haven't found anything interesting to read for a long time. When I go to the bookshop, there are too many books, I don't know where to start. The few that I pick up didn't hold my interest for more than one page," I whine yet again.

"What kind of books you like?," he still layans me. Hehe, yes my husband has to put up with this kinda thing on a daily basis.

"I don't know. I don't have any particular preference," me sulking.

"What books have you enjoyed reading before this?"- by now i think he desperately needs me to figure out something to do.

"I liked Harry Potter. But other magical books are just poorly written. I didn't enjoy reading Lord of The Rings though. I like adventure and mystery. But if its like Dan Brown, I read like four already and they're all the same storyline. I like fantasy, I like Neil Gaiman but not all, just some of them. I rarely read love novels, I overdosed on Judith McNaught in High School and now I'll puke if I ever read anymore of her writings. I really liked Tuesdays with Morrie though, but I think if i read more of his books, it'll make me hate the first one. Sort of like the Chicken soup for the Soul syndrome. Too similiar styles of writing bore me. I especially liked The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night Time because it was such an unusual way of writing. Same reason why I liked Sophie's World. When I was young I used to like Enid Blyton. I think i finished reading all of her writings by the time I turned 10. Same with Nancy Drew. I guess I don't have a preference. I like encyclopedias. But they're too expensive. And HUGE to carry around."

To which he gave me Dean Koontz 'Velocity'. Just give it a try, my yayang said. Okay. I finished the book this afternoon. Which means I past the first page, yes. But I didn't like to read his writing style. Too descriptive of too many redundant things slows the pace of the book and totally kills the 'Velocity' of it. The twist in the story was predictable. The murderer is the guy in the early part of the book. And he's not the only one. Haha. surprisenyela saya.

Just bought 3 magazines. Finished reading them in 2 minutes. Boring.

Arrgh... boring boring boring......

I need to find something to amuse me.

One of those.

2010-01-26T15:20:00.000+08:00

Just one of those moments when you look back at things past and realized that so much has changed. There was a time when I felt that I was stuck in time and everything around me moved so fast. That all seems like a distant past now. I miss my friends.

Cake, Coke, Karaoke and a pair of shoes.

2010-01-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I’ve gone back to my parents’ house. But last weekend I did, and what a weekend it was.

It was Mak’s birthday last Friday, so that Saturday night we indulge ourselves with an indulgence unlike any other, an indulgence of the chocolate kind, brought to us by such an institution that keeps their Recipes a Secret, a secret known lovingly as… The Chocolate Indulgence.

Oh what a joy it was, when my dear husband and his new BFF, my brother Iwan, came home and alas, what was it in their hands? Three beautiful shiny plastic bottles filled with a dark liquid so good, it was meant to be ENJOYed, ALWAYS… The red label wrapping the deliciously curved bottle, marked with the famous insignia known the world over as, The White Ribbon. Such potent was the black concoction, my mother warned us to never take it together with the delightful treat that was to come next…

Ahhh… soft, delectable little sunshine drops. Brought to us all removed from its thorny thick skin, chilled, forming little gleaming droplets on the smooth, golden, juicy body of a fruit so renowned for the terror it brings to the human olfactory senses yet so exquisite a taste does it bear when it touches the tongue, to the KING of all fruits, I salute you, for being the great finale, before the curtains draw to mark the end of day called Saturday.

As the sun rises beyond the horizon, giving us a new day, a new hope of clear skies and adventures of the paperbag-toting-kind emerge. Leaving behind the reluctant soldiers that are our husbands, my mother, cousins and I braved the concrete jungle that is Kuala Lumpur, on Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman nonetheless. Driven by the courageous Abang Mus, hubby to Kak Yana, the only soldier who was brave enough to fight the war of traffic jams and limited thus expensive parking spaces. We stormed through 5 palaces of consumerism with our salivating tongues and gleaming eyes, wandering, one product to another, searching for the perfect item that deserves our purchasing power.

There, amidst the rows of temptation, I saw, the perfect item. Four inches of heel standing tall and proud, shiny-leather-mimicking-su

rface, the texture of woven straps…. it called out to me, whispering softly, in size 6. As I gingerly sunk my unpedicured feet into them, I felt the soul of my sole slowly awash with the glowing warmth of blissful happiness. In utter joy and obliviousness towards the amount of fortune I was about to part with, I bought myself, not just any shoe, but the one, the only, PERFECT pair of SHOES.

Our adventure continued on to the heights of Ampang Park where unheavenly voices fill the air space, in an attempt to achieve the feat they call singing. As a surprise for my beloved mother, my sister Irma decided that she would treat us for a session of, a favourite pastime the world over, the phenomenon called Karaoke. Singing to very bad and grammatically twisted words of what they think is English, accompanied by visuals of the soft porn kind (boobs, bikinis, architectural monuments and natural landscapes), we showed our singing prowess (or so we think) belting out numbers from the bygone era, including a soulful rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star by my niece and nephews. My mom sang her heart out as I’ve never seen before, making all of us believe, sincerely, that we are all genetically great singers. We left, sated, our secret wishes of stardom, fulfilled, momentarily.

We came home that evening, soldiers and superstars, weary and hungry. Alas, a sumptuous feast awaits us in our humble abode of Bukit Beruntung. Prepared lovingly by the Master Chef Bapak, our gastronomous cravings were answered with pasta, roast beef, jacket potatoes, mushroom soup and soft baked buns. As we devoured our dinner amidst the drowning cries and screams of 8 children, I looked around the table, and thanked God Almighty for the blessings that He has given us. The blessings of family, of food, and of Love. Alhamdulillah.

My heartful gratitude also goes out to my family- my parents, siblings and cousins and their families, for all being in one location last weekend and for the splendid time. Uncle Skawi n Aunty Timah for the durians. To products of nature and man-made marvels like Secret Recipe cakes, Coca Cola, Durian, Shopping complexes and ABBA, I am forever thankful. And last but not least, to a little shoe shop in Ampang Park, keep on making those goods that make the world a better place. I am one happy woman who had a happy weekend. Thank you Yayang, for bringing me home.

P/s: I’m teaching copywriting this semester, hence my attempt at improving my language and also this is the result of too much exposure to too many episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

two zero one zero

2010-01-18T14:37:00.001+08:00

Stupid thing to do. Read your yearly horoscope. Mine's scary.

Apparently this year my over-aggressiveness will cause me trouble in my marriage and workplace. I will also overspend my money, get injured in my car, lose my temper and get into fights with my spouse and colleagues. But it also says that 2010 will be a good year for me. Go figure.

The past 2 years has truly been a blessing for me. I got a job, I got married, found what was lost, made new friends, traveled and gained new exciting experiences that are life changing. Falling in love was the best part of it all of course. I highly recommend marriage, hehe, it makes EVERYTHING worthwhile.

For this year, I'm hopeful. I'm damn scared now because everything that was familiar before has changed. I don't know what to expect anymore, anything goes now.

Like everyone else, I hope things will be better. I hope I, myself, will be better. Make better choices and judgment. But I also hope there will be more new exciting adventures. Maybe I have ADD, mild ADD I suppose haha.. I get easily bored with everything so I want to experience the extraordinary. For real this time, not just in my head.

So here I toast, to a year of hope, excitement and adventure!! Insya Allah. Ameen.

Hot Showers and the World Wide Web

2010-01-14T10:59:00.000+08:00

In my opinion, hot showers are the best contribution of technology.

Even more than the web.

I hate the web.

Hence me being offline for so long.

I am superbored with all of it... fb, chats, emails, blogs... everything.

I'm so tired of the internet, i don't even want to talk about how tired i am of the internet.

Include TV, radio, movies, shopping malls in the list of things I'm bored with.

Before the invention of the world wide web, I always had my own virtual reality, in my head. Inspired by early reading, it became my realm, my reign. My imagination, for me was an endless space with ultra fast download speed. Not to mention virus free, spam free and hi definition images, vivid colours and surreal sound.

I enjoy the times when I am able to just zone off to my alternate reality. Anytime, anywhere.

Works best during hot showers.

That's why hot showers are the best contribution contribution of technology, in my opinion.

Bananas and 1Malaysia.

2009-08-10T17:46:00.000+08:00

I’m a Malaysian who barely knows her history, her culture or her language. Not more than what has been taught in school, and even that I rarely apply that knowledge in my daily life. What good is it knowing something and not sharing or using that knowledge?

In a time not so distant, I was sitting with my old professor, Prof Hashim Hassan, and he was telling me about all the different types of bananas. Pisang Tanduk, Pisang Raja, Pisang Awak, Rastali, Emas, Susu…… are just the few names I could remember from that short conversation. And the thing is I can’t tell which one is which except pisang emas, or so I think. Just last week I was home in Rawang when my bapak brought home these golden round fat juicy bananas that almost looked like mangoes in a sikat/sisir. It tasted ‘kelat’ (sort of like bitter aftertaste). None of us knew what kind of pisang it was. Montel? That’s a brand.

Then I remembered the Maxis ads, a series showing many different kinds of donuts, ice creams, keychains… saying there is a different kind of plan suitable for everyone. I wondered instead of donuts, they could have showed different kinds of kuih from the different races in Malaysia. Kuih lapis, karipap, marukku, lopes, kuih bulan… to name a few that I know… lots more I don’t. What about toys? getah, ceper, batu seremban…. Birds? Plants? The possibilities are endless.

There is a valuable treasure of indigenous knowledge that is untapped, unrecorded or maybe it has been recorded, just not referred to. Just last week, a group of my students presented an art installation based on the artwork seen on tarot cards. I was asking, why Tarot cards? Do we use them? How relevant is Tarot cards to us? In fortune telling or ‘menilik nasib’ in our beloved Malaysia, the Indians use astrological charts, as the Chinese who also do palmistry and the Malays use instruments like eggs, bowl of water, lime and such. Even reading marks from the body such as moles are used to tell someone’s destiny. But in Islam, fortune telling is forbidden as we are to believe in Qada’ and Qadar or preordained fate.

As for the students, I do not blame them, they just did research on the one medium their whole generation lives upon, the Internet. And the Internet’s contents are mostly developed by the Western world. Therefore if they googled “fortune telling”, the probability of hitting “Tarot Cards” is highly likely than say “bomoh”. The key is in getting the students to type in “tilik nasib” in the first place. There lies 2 challenges. First is that, they would have to have at least a little knowledge about it in order to think of what to type in the Google search bar. Secondly, even if they do type a certain word pertaining to local knowledge like “tilik nasib” they would probably get a lot of trashy material and none of what they are looking for.

Reason? So few of us Malaysians who bother to find out, and bother to write about it, much less publish this wee bit of knowledge. How many kinds of pisang do we have? I found a few website describing a few types but with no pictures of the aforementioned bananas. So? I do an artwork based on apples and peaches instead. So much information I can Wiki on apples and peaches than “pisang” in Malaysian context.

We all use the Wikipedia, but how many actually bother to contribute articles to the Wiki? There are I’m sure. MY POINT IS, IT IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I need more information on this country of mine, and it is so scarce on the web, or someone who actually knows something is not sharing. I’m telling myself this too.

Do not blame the young generation for not referring to local based knowledge, we are offering them so little compared to what other countries are contributing to the World Wide Web. Come on people, we need to tell people about our bananas before a “Hermione” from UK did her research and starts telling us about our bananas? Makes sense?

Another example. Imagine this simple scenario. A teacher in Kuala Lumpur asks a pupil to draw a house. She draws it complete with a smoking chimney. Huh? What’s the big deal? My point, our houses don’t have chimneys! The kids draw base on what they see on TV or the internet or imported books. Although I don’t expect the pupil to draw a rumah Melaka with stone steps…. but chimneys? It’d be different if she was from Cameron Highlands. This is a scenario quite usual in my classes, in university. It is no wonder to me if I ask to draw the student to draw a chicken, he/she would draw a KFC drumstick because they don’t know how a real chicken looks like. The power of capitalism ladies and gentlemen. Or they’d draw a turkey. Because that was what Google image told them how a chicken looks. This happened in my illustration class.

This problem is bigger by the day. I myself cannot relate to P Ramlee movies, I didn’t grow up with them, and watching them now, I don’t find it funny because I can’t understand the nuances of the dialogue. There are friends of mine who can re enact the whole entire movie of Bujang Lapuk and I’d just sit there, awed and bewildered, not understanding the hysterical fit of laughter they’re in. I bet my child would probably say Harry Potter as a children’s story rather than Sang Kancil. Sang Kancil who? Those really poor illustrated animations by Filem Negara? Looking back now, it was way better executed than Yokies. I bet you don’t know Yokies. Haha. You have your TV on Disney Channel 24 hours to keep your child entertained. Even Lat had to be animated by the Philippines. My husband relates more to Transformers and GI Joe. Ask him about bananas. He’d go bananas.

As I myself am a child who is so far detached from the knowledge of things around her, who am I to speak of this? But I’m starting slowly, I found the DBP website to be absolutely helpful, type in a word they actually give you ensiklopedia entries, peribahasa, pantun based on the word. My husband just bought me a book by Adibah Amin, collections of writings of Malaysian life. I’m teaching my students how to use Google to better advantage. And I’m sharing what little I know. My journey to find some semblance of identity in an ever-saturated monogamous world of globalization.

Maybe one day, in my class, one student would actually do a campaign promoting tempoyak’s new packaging, or do a series of ads for a telco company using the different types of bananas found in Malaysia. And in Illustration class, a student would produce an artwork entitled House and in it showed a Sarawak Iban Long House. I’m hopeful.

Meanwhile, I’ll find out more about bananas.
P/s: My birthday wish is for the entire set of Ensiklopedia Malaysia… hint, hint! Or you could just get me books about culture in Malaysia or of Malaysians by Malaysians like Adibah Amin, Lat, Amir Muhammad, Farish Noor, Karim Raslan….

New Things.

2009-07-23T10:40:00.000+08:00

Almost 3 weeks after getting married. Wow. I never thought my life would be so different. I'm still adjusting myself in my new phase. No matter how ready I thought I was, it still is overwhelming. Having everything not the way it was before.

Living in a new place with new people I just got to know. There's always something new to discover. No, it's not a bad thing, just different, and new. Changing my routine which before only involved me now involves a lot of other people. The dynamics of how my world used to function is now turned inside out. And this is even though I consider my husband's family and mine to have a lot of similarities.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. Yeah, I know, they live close to me. Yeah its funny how this works. I wasn't expecting this seriously. There's a little girl in me that is homesick partly. Which is weird and unnecessary... they're just here, right? I just saw them last week for goodness sake! Or is it? I find this feeling confusing really, I don't think the changes are that big, I'm used to staying away from family, so I really don't know where this 'sayu' feeling comes from.

I'm not complaining, I love being married, I love sleeping next to him and knowing he'll be there when I wake up. I love doing things together and his family is very welcoming. Its a big transition for me however. I guess I am not a big advocate for sudden major changes.

It's a confusing time. Time to adjust and adapt. Time to evolve. Time to grow up.

I'm extremely happy on one end and yet I panic at the rapid changes I have to go to.

Map to the wedding.

2009-06-18T18:06:00.000+08:00

1) click on this picture, it will open up a new window,
then you can either:

2) drag onto ur desktop

or...

3) right click, and save image as....

p/s: don't save this picture below my dears, its just the thumbnail.

Wedding invitation

2009-06-11T17:12:00.000+08:00

Hi peeps,

I'm sending out my wedding invites, so pls sms me your address or email so i can send you one yeah?

irinamuis@yahoo.com

Wedding series: Chapter 2 - episode bunga dan warna

2009-05-04T15:26:00.000+08:00

Second weekend, 9 more weeks. Labour day weekend was definitely full of labour.

1st May. Went to look for flowers to make the hantaran for tunang at Alam Sentral. Didn't make it to Romantika when Kak Ima called up, "Kata nak beli bunga ngan Kak Ima?". So Yayang drove me to the commuter station to go to Jalan TAR, the ultimate wedding street in Malaysia before he went for Friday prayers. Met k Ima at Sogo, supposed to pick up my alas dulang, but its still nt ready. Alamak, sempat tak ni?? So next we headed to Semua House, objective, flowers and shoes. Hardly 15 minutes there, Kak Ima decided to bail on me, ok fine, but I showed her some samples of flowers that fit my colour concept. Cross my fingers, have to trust her with this one. She is the expert. So help me God. Walked around by myself, no shoes to be found. But I discovered this really wonderful shop on the 1st floor which sold costume jewellery. Ooooh, can look for my 'vintage' dokoh or keronsang. I absolutely love the shop, it has the kind of jewellery I like. I didn't get the keronsang but I found something to put in my hair like the picture in my inspiration board, for rm30, its a steal. I'll definitely come back for my dokoh.

I was gonna head home, when I came across Muaz textile bazaar, they were selling tudungs and selendangs for rm6 so I got myself 2 selendangs, hehe. Me, cheapskate, yes. Head home to look for shoes with Yayang at OU but that didn't work out. Too tired, need sleep. SO HOTTTTTTT laa....

Next day, head home to Rawang. Mak wants Jco donuts. Stop by Giant Kota Damansara. Got donuts, got shoes as well, hehe. I found my purple shoes at this shoe shop called Summit. VERY SEXY SHOES. I WANT THEM ALL!!!! Yayang picked them out for me (and paid, haha), will post the pics later, hehe. The great thing about having one colour theme for 3 occasions. One shoe to fit them all! rm59.90. I love my purple shoes. Gorgeous!! i can even wear it with jeans. peep toe purple satin wedges. Lovely.

donuts, check. shoes, check. Reached home, Abg Iwan called, he was buying paints for his new house. "come pick your colour, I'll paint your room." Hehehehe. Me love!!. I've always wanted my room to be purple, but earlier it turned out more grey than purple, then I got Abg Win's room, which was cream. So i picked out 2 shades. 1 deep purple and a lighter one. Went home, packed my stuff, omg, note to Izham, can we fit all my stuff in the new house? Especially my books? There's more in Baiduri, at the office and some at Izham's house. Damn. That's a lot of books. He has a lot of toys. We got to figure something out. GI Joes, Transformers and clone troopers can be best friends with books. Somehow.

Started painting at 10pm. All nighter with just 1 roller and 2 brushes, masking tapes, newspaper, 2 cans of paint, semangat berkobar2, including a little tsunami named Yasmin, Abg Iwan, kak Ida and I finished at 7am Sunday. Too bad I didnt take a 'before' picture. Damn. I'll put in the 'after' pic later.

My body aches, my hands are numb, I slept at 7.30am, had to wake up at 9am. Have to go buy flowers. So Kak Ima, Abang, Adik, Aqayshea and I walked through a total of 6 flowers shops and 5 textile shops in Rawang and KL. Bringing my inspiration board with us,we chose flowers, berries, ribbons in really really dark colours. I'm leaving it up to kak Ima to make the hantaran, I just help in the choosing. The concept: black forest. hmm. She says she's gonna make it look like bird's nest. Pretty interesting to see how it'll look like. I went to the textile shops to look for deep purple velvet to make the alas dulang since the one at Sogo still isn't ready. Cant' believe how hard it is to look for purple velvet, all the shops ran out. What the hell happened? My only theory is, UiTM probably finished the whole stock in order to use it on their bulletin boards. Seriously. that is a lot of purple velvet. C'monla, what else could it be? In the end, I just settled for dark blue velvet against maroon satin. No purple there. But last night when Irma put it all together, the flowers, the alas, the assessories and what not... it looked perfect. Can't wait to see it completed. Genius.

However, there is one little tiny thing. Irma bought fabric to make baju for the reception. She chose the same fabric as my wedding dress, just in a different pattern. I wish she wouldn't. Say something about my self esteem, but I think she is prettier than me and a little part of me was "slightly" slighted that she might outshine me on my wedding day. Stupid thought, I'm sorry. Shouldn't feel this way.

After devouring KFC and letting the kids play at Ikea playground, both of us went to Tesco. I still need some cookie jars and fitted sheet for the bridal room. I so want those paper lanterns!! So many things to be done. I was bone tired. Please, I haven't slept for 2 days and am perpetually hungry for not having rice for so long. Yes dears, I am banned from rice by the people around me. They're all trying to help me lose weight in 9 weeks. I've been fasting almost every day but seriously, there is no difference. Plus all this walking and shopping considers as exercise, no? Well then how come my arms and calves feel like I've been through kawad kadet polis???? Renee Zelwegger, how the hell do you do this?? I need to unearth the Scarlet Johannsen in me, hahahahaah..... oooh dat reminds me, pedicure, manicure, spa, facial are in order. Directive frm higher powers. OMG I have never gone for any of the above, ever, in my life. So can you imagine how bad my condition is? I might have black heads dating back to adolescent years! eeeuuwww!

Later last night, although I so want to fall asleep, Irma says we need to have a meeting so that evryone knows the programme and who is doing what. Sheeeeshhh. Pardon. We're a family of planners. So we waited for the empress dowager (my Mak) to wake up to have a family meeting. Going through the details of the events and what is needed. Wedding planning is no joke people. I gave each one of them a checklist and guestlist to fill up.

So for Bapak and Mak
1) venue - booking, permits, sound system, traffic, parking
2) food/ catering
3) itinerary - doa, kompang
3) hall decoration/ flowers

Irma
1) emcee
2) hantaran
3) bunga pahar
4) doorgifts/ favors
5) food for tunang
6) decoration at home

Iwan
1) video
2) signage
3) typing out guest list

Kak Ida
1) favors
2) guest placing - house
3) the kids

Irina
1) card
2) photographer
3) hantaran
4) usherettes
5) favors
6) bridal room
7) decoration at home

Ilani
1) help keep me calm and sane and pretty, haha. And keeping my parents happy.
2) usherettes
3) favors
4) house

Erwin
1) guests
2) family
3) transportation

err... i kno its macam poyo la tulis kat sini, but this helps me clear some things and maybe it might be useful information for other people, who knows? haha. I believe that knowledge should be shared and sharing is caring, weeeheeeheeee....! the meeting was good, i love seeing my family working together, its exactly what i want... sigh... Insya Allah, berkatilah majlis ini.

I thought it was a fruitful weekend, basically running through on whats gonna happen this Sunday. OMG, same time next week, I'll be Yayang's fiance, woohooohoooo!

Kay peeps, I'll be getting the things ready for my engagement this Sunday. a bit nervous. Pray for me please?! Insya Allah, we'll hope for the best.

The wedding series - chapter 1

2009-04-29T09:00:00.000+08:00

yay! pass thesis, boleh kawennn!!

Hi peeps, I went for my thesis Viva Voce last Tuesday.... and I passed!!!! I'm graduating my Masters this October!!! Woohoooooo!!!!! And most importantly..... haha... green light from the powers that be (my mom, hehe) to start on my wedding plans... yahoooo!!!!

Well, I can't say I haven't started planning, I always start with a mindmap... haha, yes of course. And beforehand, I bought this little notebook from ikea that fits inside my handbag to jot down every detail, plans, sketches, checklists and BUDGET. Yes children... how i plan my designs as a designer is how i plan my wedding.

Mindmap - What? Why? Who? When? Where? HOW?
The rest is obvious but "HOW?" is my favourite question. And as I always teach my students, answer this question with keywords. Basic ideas and concepts. So for my wedding, my keywords are COST EFFECTIVE, FUSS FREE (EFFICIENT), HAPPY, CHIC, VINTAGE. Why? because I don't want to be extravagant and burden my parents and my future husband. Because marriage is not just about the wedding, what's most important is the Nikah, everything else is secondary or not at all. So that means, decisions will be prompt and primarily based on the budget. Plus, I'm getting married in July. That is just 10 weeks away. TADAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

my mindmap in my notebook

So, based on that framework, I start on the next step, research.

Research - references, examples, visual cues.
Hmm... what a joy it is to get married in the digital age, haha. The internet, my dear, is a human's best friend. After searching through trash, in both languages, i finally found 2 websites that are absolutely delightful to source for wedding ideas.

http://www.projectwedding.com/
http://www.stylemepretty.com/

yes, both are website orang putih. But the local ones like syokkahwin.com and pengantin.com are just, well, tacky to me. Not to mention, lousy loading time, horrid interface and just plain bad taste. Anyway, being the fruit that comes forth from the loins of Abdul Muis and Maimunah Nazarene, we are all 'perasan orang putih' with suppressed Malay genes. Haha, taraaaaa!!!!

So well of course, when doing research, I do it from top down, so yeah, if money was no option, my wedding planner and wedding dress would be Rizalman, my pelamin would be Nas Great Ideas, my photographer would be Saiful Nang, my venue would be Pulau Redang and the favors would be Godiva chocolates and each guest would bring home a flat screen tv while we're at it.

But I'm a designer and if I had it my way, I'd customize everything. haha. If I had my way. This part, the suppressed Malay genes become unsuppressed and yes people, it is not my wedding, it is MY PARENTS. By that I mean, the decisions will adhere to their wishes and whims of course. I am a good daughter haha, and I love my parents, they rock.

So I start collecting pictures for references and compile it all in what we call an 'inspiration board'. So dears, here's mine...

i like purple, yes i do. texture, feel, style, pattern, typo...

The colour is purple, deep purple, magenta, burgundy, aubergine, violet, mauve... blablabla... basically the colour of berries. with hints of antique gold, silver and a tad bit of cyan. There's an air of mystery, fantasy, dreamy, whimsical ....

And this is my inspiration board for dress and makeup. charming.chic.vintage

But of course, it is an inspiration board, just a reference. there are bound to be changes of course.

And the shopping begins.

The rings for the merisik and meminang are bought earlier with Izham's Mum, Pn Zaiton at her friend's shop in Shah Alam Mall's Dyana Jewels. Connections, connections. We got 2 rings one for merisik and one for tunang at a good price. I'm not that fussy. Although i was eyeing this ring that looked like lace, it wasn't in the budget, so we got a different one instead. Woohoo.... this was pretty exciting for both me and Izham. Giddy giddy.

Last weekend, yes, right after I finish my thesis presentation, I prepared for another presentation at home haha. I printed out checklists, guest list forms, budget proposal, hantaran options blablabla... but remember dears, it is just a proposal, to show that you did do some groundwork meaning you didn't leave it all up to your parents. It is a gesture you must remember. BUT at the same time, do not make it look like you are doing everything by yourself and that you do not need their help at all. Its like this, be prepared, they want to see you are serious about this, and propose the budget is YOURS. Do not ASSUME that they will pay for it, only if they offer to, do not ask for it, you'll start off on the wrong foot if you do. Don't lie though, really have the money ready. I mean really.

My budget

Show options. More than one. Then let my parents decide.

So last Saturday, we went shopping for fabric tunang, nikah and reception. Went to Gulati's Jalan Tunku Abd Rahman. RM160-200 per metre? Too expensive. Kamdar, ahah!! yes, RM29 per metre, lovely. Consider this, fabric, with lining and for Izham's baju melayu, that is 4 pasang baju, 25 metres of fabric. total = RM423. Remember sayang, that is just fabric, consider also, tailoring services.

The next day, on Sunday, we went straight to the tailors and sent everything, this is Bkt Sentosa, Rawang. Roughly 3 pasang baju, RM500.

3 Dresses and 1 baju Melayu total (tunang, nikah, reception) : RM923

Lovely.

For the recption, I'm wearing a dress inspire by my mother's wedding dress that was made by my grandma. besides, empire dresses are more suitable for apple shaped brides, hahah. yes anak2 murid, there is a reason behind every design.

my parents wedding pic, hehe.

Date and itinerary confirmation.

Engagement : 10 May 2009
Lunch time, guests roughly 40 (both sides), close friends and family. Rombongan meminang includes my Dean, my professors and my deputy dean. Haha, yesss, I am getting married to my colleague who also happens to be the son of my professor. Ironic? you tell me. My aunty is cooking lauk kampung. hantaran 5 balas 7. Mostly food and Nikah things, and of course, the Sirih. Theme: burgundy

Nikah : 4 July 2009
Morning or lepas Zohor. Venue: at home. My Bapak will do the solemnisation. Hantaran 7 balas 9. Theme: white purple

Reception Irina: 4 July 2009
Dinner lepas maghrib. Venue: The hall beside my Mom's school. No sanding. Just sit down and eat, heheh. Oh, and my dad's giving a speech! Theme: deep Purple gold

Reception Izham: 5 July 2009 (my birthday!)
Venue: Izham's house in Seksyen 6 Shah Alam. Theme: Dark Blue & Silver.

Our photographers are our very own students. Didn't I tell you being a lecturer rocks? And I'll design my own card of course. And my hantarans as well with the help of family and friends. Everything else, my parents, especially my Bapak is super excited to plan so I'll leave it up to them and try to assist as much as I can. I sincerely hope and pray that everything will happen smoothly and as easily as possible with the goal of getting our families closer and mendapat keberkatan, Insya Allah. Ameeeenn.

bridezilla freaking out

So peeps, save the date! This is a 10 week countdown to THE DAY. This weekend we'll be preparing the hantaran for the engagement. And filling up all the forms and paperwork as well.

I thank God for my very supportive family especially my ever lovely parents, for their prayers, love and attention. My siblings and in laws who are so eager to help out. My friends who are pretty excited but sad at the same time, i love you girls. My colleagues, thanks for setting us up, haha, and my comel sayangs, my students who are very2 notty but lovable, thank you so much.

Izham's family who made me feel welcomed, are really cool and helped me to finish my thesis, haha, Alhamdulillah, I'm happy we'll be family soon.

Yayang, I never imagined when I met you last august that we will be married in less than a year after that. I didn't know that my last birthday and hari raya would be my last as a single woman, haha. I am very happy that you are the one that God has chosen for me. For all that you are, your flaws and your strengths, thank you for loving me for all my flaws and strengths. Thank you for being able to see beauty in all my imperfections, and for that I love you and look forward to spend my life with you dalam senang dan susah. I know life wont be easy, but having you gives me the assurance that we will try our best. Insya Allah. Ameeeeen.

God Almighty. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, La Ilaha illa Allah, Allahu Akbar.

I'd rather

2009-04-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

I'd rather look for ideas for my wedding dress than look for citation on who said what.

I'd rather daydream about the nikah and reception than visualize my Q&A session with the panel for my Viva.

I'd rather go shop for barang hantaran than setting margins and spacing between my paragraphs.

I'd rather think of colour combinations for flowers than numbering the figures and charts.

I'd rather plan for how our house will look like than writing my bibliography.

I'd rather research for bridal hairstyles than putting in page numbers.

I'd rather go look for wedding favors than doing my powerpoint presentation.

I'd rather do a colour theme & moodboard collage than preparing my A2 poster for the presentation.

I'd rather look for fabric for the wedding dress than fix my prototype.

I'd rather buy curtains and bedsheets for my new home than print my thesis in hardcover.

I'd rather lepak with my future hubby and watch TV than sit beside him writing out abbreviations on my computer.

I'd rather plan my wedding and life after marriage than facing off the assessors to defend my research.

But I cant start to even think about the wedding until after Viva. So lets get this over and done with.

Sayang, i love you too. waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..... tsk tsk... sob sob..... yayang tolong buat thesis i boleh? and come in for my Viva and beat the crap out of the panel who dares to interfere, muahahaahahhahaaa!!!!

Mak, nak kawenn... tanak buat thesis dah.... uhuk uhuk..

Inevitably and Irrevocably.

2008-12-23T03:28:00.000+08:00

I am addicted to mindmaps. I mindmap everything, my lessons, my plans, my life.... it works well with the way my brain functions. Awhile back, my friend Rozarina after reading The Secret started on a vision poster craze and invited me to join the frenzy. Basically the simple rule is that if you want something (your life) to be a certain way, you ask for it bad enough and the cosmos will align itself to suit your needs and fulfill your wish. Translation, to me, its like, we pray really hard for something and God will grant it. I wanted to make my own vision poster so, as usual, I started with a mindmap.

I mindmapped my dream life, my dream home, my dream job.... and true enough, some of it came true, Alhamdulillah. I got a job that fits all the description of my dream job in my mindmap, although i never specified what the job really was.

I just entered a new relationship. With Encik Izham Aris. My colleague who sits next to me. Hehe, ironic isn't it? There wasn't any flirting or courting whatsoever, we've never been on a date even. He was in a relationship with a wonderful person. Yes, to the unknowing, it would just mean one thing, I am the office bitch who stole someone else's boyfriend. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I was actually wooing someone else, anyone who follows my blog, would probably notice that I had an infatuation with another person, haha, bt that is not the story here.

But as my friend Enol would put it, when God wants something to happen, He can make it happen really fast and easy, even though it seems impossible. 2 weeks. That was all it took. Everything just fell into place with ease. From being just good friends to soon to be married. How? Well, I asked him to marry me, twice. In 2 languages. First time was during the King's birthday and the second time was that following Saturday. He said yes last Sunday, finally.

The story sounds cold doesn't it?

Is it rebound? You ask. Yes, I just got out of a 6 year relationship which I ended last February and only really got over it last August, the day he graduated. He is happy with someone else now and I know that she is better for him than I ever could be. And that is all I could wish for.

Isn't it too early? too fast? Are u sure?

So many questions to consider when you are thinking of getting married. But when the time comes.... Blaaaghhhh!!! All the questions just disappear and well, you just know.

Izham Aris. I have no idea how we came to be. I did not see this coming. I wasn't even trying. I'm sorry if this doesn't sound romantic at all. You were a good friend. The more we spoke to each other, the more we realized how much we are alike and how we believe in the same things and want the same things. Soulmates. But as you said, its rare to find your soulmate in this lifetime, and even when you do, it does not mean that you'll end up together. I still cannot explain how it all happened. I, Irina, the maestro of words usually, am at loss for words to explain this phenomena. I still can't, even if i tried. This does not make any sense I know.

Encik Izham, you broke every wall I have ever built around myself to keep myself from harm, from hurt.

I have a mindmap of my dream partner. As Enol is my witness, she has listened to the tales of this imaginary guy I conjured. Haha. The perfect guy. There is no perfect guy in this world, yes. But this maginary person, I build him up in my head to be so perfect that it is impossible that such a person could exist. But that is exactly why I created this person. If he is perfect, then he doesn't exist. And if he doesn't exist, I will never be broken hearted. My Amas Veritas. (Practical Magic, spell for true love)

I was looking for this mindmap I did, to see if Izham fits any of the description of my perfect guy. Because ironically, magically, he does. Even down to the little mangarut details. But when I finally found the mindmap, this is what I had actually written; "My husband, yang terbaik untukku, dr Allah, Maha Mengetahui, teman yang membahagiakan."

I never actually wrote about my dream guy in my mindmap. I talked about him a lot. So much so that I really thought I must have written about him somewhere. But when the time came to map it, I just left everything up to God. The best from HIM, for me. And that was all.

And that is why, Izham Aris, I am not able to express why or what it is I feel about you even though I may be the most expressive person to most people. I cannot explain to my friends or to my readers even, how it all happened. Only those who bear witness to the events would know and understand why things happened the way they did. How God's plan fall into place at the right time and the right place.

Izham Aris, I don't know what challenges lie ahead, and I don't know if I'm able to face it. But I do know one thing for sure. How I became sure of it, I have no idea. I want to spend my lifetime with you, the good, the bad, the ugly, I want to share it with you. And my answer is yes.

Only one thing is true. Allah. And He is Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Yang Mengatur segala sesuatu. "Only Thee we worship, and only from Thee we ask for help. Please show us the right path. The path of those whom Thou hast favoured, not of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray." (Al Fatiha)

let me wallow for a while.

2008-11-30T20:37:00.000+08:00

Seharusnya aku gembira, bersyukur kerana doaku makbul
Seharusnya aku tidak terkesan, kerana aku telah bersedia bahawa ia akan berlaku
Seharusnya aku tersenyum, kerana dia menjumpai bahagia
Tetapi hakikatnya, apa yang aku rasa, sakitnya hanya Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui
Mengapa? Aku tahu hari ini akan datang, dan aku telah berjanji untuk untuk menerimanya dengan hati yang lapang dan riang kerana inilah yang kita ingin kecapi, kebahagiaan untuk yang disayang.
Tidak mengapa, sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Kerana aku tahu, I did what i was meant to do.
Ini semua ditelah ditentukan olehNya.
Semestinya, semua yang berlaku pasti mendatangkan kebaikan pada semua
Kerana semua pihak ikhlas dan redha dgn ketentuan Ilahi.
Aku sakit, tapi aku tahu ia adalah yang benar.
Demi kebahagiaan.
Sakit ini pasti berlalu.
Dunia ini terlalu sementara.
Kita harus hidup sebaiknya.

I'll heal
But just let me wallow for a while
I know I did what I had to do
If you really love him, set him free,
and if he returns in time, You'll know he's yours.
and if he doesn't, it was never meant to be.

I'll end this chapter of my life. I'll not write about it anymore, maybe.
But my last words are, you were always in my prayer, and all i ask for was for you to be happy. I still mean what i said, that you deserve someone better, and maybe you will understand why i said that, as u embark on your new chapter, I am sure, she is someone better for you. Good luck and take care. You will always be a part of my life that i cherish. My thoughts of you are only those that are happy and good and i will keep it that way, and that is why i chose to end it the way i did, by silence. I'm sorry for everything, i mean well, Goodbye.

hook, line and sinker

2008-11-15T00:50:00.000+08:00

I’m like a hook. I get hooked so easily. Maybe its cos I lost my rock. I’ve been a lost hook looking for anything to get close enough to latch myself onto ever since. Like those ‘kemuncup’ in the grass, that gets hooked on your jeans. I’ve just been pulled out and thrown away.

I knew it was going to be a mistake, or is it? When I get hooked, I pour. When I pour, I give everything. And at the end somehow, I feel lost again. I give my all and then it feels like so much of you is gone. I thought it isn’t supposed to be that way. I thought when u give love, u get a lot back. Then how come I’m feeling so empty?

So empty that I have to fill it up with whatever I could find.

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to the school holidays. I like school. I like going to work. I like seeing my students. Bloody hell, I love seeing my students. Happy tak terkata. Chisss. I’m gonna miss them. Monyet btul la!.

I just started teaching 3 months ago. The end of the semester is near and I’m dreading it beyond anything you can imagine. They are my first ever students DG02. Shitla. This isn’t supposed to happen. I got hooked on them. I never imagined I would love teaching this much. They’re naughty, yes, sometimes they can make me my blood curdle. But hell yeah, I love them anyway.

Do all teachers feel this way? I don’t know.

I know that they’re all going to move on with their lives just the same. To them I am just a teacher. Just a small part of their growing up years. No matter how good or special I was, it will never amount to much.

Tiap malam, aku kembali ke katil aku. Aku duduk dan berfikir.
Dalam kebisingan yang gamat ni, dunia aku sebenarnye senyap.
Tika dingin malam bermula, kesejukan tu mula meresap ke dalam hati.
Setiap malam aku beku.
Dalam jaga dan air mata yang datang tak berhenti entah dari mana.
Aku dambakan lena. Dalam tidur ada mimpi dan angan.
Suntiklah aku dengan cerita khayalan yang bisa buat aku hilang.
Walaupun sementara.
Ingin terbang jauh dari kesenyapan ini.

Selagi aku tak jumpa tempat bergantung yang permanent. Macam ni la aku. Mencangkukkan diri pada apa sahaja yang ada. Untuk mengisi kekosongan yang menyedihkan. Biarpun sekejap. Sebetulnya, tempat bergantung yang permanent adalah Tuhan,tak begitu? Tapi aku hanya manusia. Memang tak boleh berdiri dangan sendiri. Aku juga perlu satu bentuk yang fizikal untuk menyokong aku. Satu batu atau dinding mungkin. Mungkin namanya lelaki. Mungkin tidak. Aku masih mencari. Tempat yang permanent untuk kembali.

Let It Die - Feist

2008-11-10T22:01:00.001+08:00

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

irin - go on, keep on hurting me if it makes u happy. I just want u to be happy.

If I were a boy - Beyonce Knowles

2008-11-08T10:29:00.000+08:00

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You'll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Its Over - Jesse McCartney

2008-11-08T10:20:00.000+08:00

We’ve run out of words we’ve run out of time
We’ve run out of reasons really why we're together
We both know it’s over baby bottom line
It’s best we don’t even talk at all

Don’t call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don’t need to hear your voice on my messages
Let’s just call it quits it’s probably better
So if I’m not returning your calls it’s ’cause

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ’cause it’s over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can’t even remember how long it’s been
No trouble stayin’ occupied

Oh I ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need’s another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

‘Cuz I’m not comin’ back I’m closing the door
I used to be trippin’ over missin’ you but I’m not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture’s gone
Couldn’t stand to see your smile every time you dialed

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz baby it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

You know that it’s over when the burnin’
And the yearnin’ inside your heart ain’t there anymore
And you know that you’re through when she don’t do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don’t close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it’s better

‘Cuz it’s over
Girl you know it’s over this time
So when you call I’m pressin’ seven
Don’t wanna hear your messages messages
I’m tryna erase you from my mind

‘Cuz it’s over
I swear girl it’s over this time
So don’t keep callin’ leavin’ messages
Don’t wanna know where you been
Baby ‘cuz it’s over

kereta api semalam

2008-11-08T09:55:00.000+08:00

I look at the train window
Aku tak suka apa yang aku nampak
perempuan tua yang gemuk
pandang kat aku
muka dia hodoh
nampak garis garis
antra lemak lemak pipi
dan mulut dan mata
warna merah pori porinya
terbuka macam lubang lubang cacing
geli, jijik.

Tapi dalam matanya yang tersembul
ada satu cahaya yang cantik
Tapi siapakah yang mampu ternampak cahaya yang kecil itu?
Cahaya kecil itu ada cerita
ada keindahannye sendiri
Dia mampu terbang
dan berlawan dengan angin
deru deru derai derai.

Hai perempuan tua,
Aku doakan kau bahagia
dan ingatlah,
Tuan tetap sentiasa menyayangi kita.

Aku lihat mereka tidur
with her head on his shoulders
and his head on hers
in lulling slumber
on the train.

broken rhythm

2008-11-08T09:34:00.000+08:00

Pecah, pecah, pecah
where did my rhythm go?
rhythm yang pecah
pecah derai derai
dengan derai derai itu
all my songs disappear

tanpa bunyi.

Tuhan tolonglah,
Only You know
apa yang patut aku buat dengan desease ini?

Aku mahu sayang Tuhanku
dengan sepenuh penuh ragaku
kerana Dia yan menciptakan aku
But why ada this one thing
yang tak patut ada kat situ?
Aku cintakan Tuhan aku kerana Dia saja yang tahu
KESEMUA SAYANG DAN CINTAKU HANYA UNTUK TUHANKU!!!!!

Matikanlah harapan ini
Let it die, please just let it die....
Biarlah mati aku, hidup aku
hanya untuk Tuhanku.

tepuk tepuk
bisik bisik
belai belai

Sayangilah aku.

The Sound

2008-10-30T23:25:00.000+08:00

I was walking home from work. The same route i take everyday, past the houses and up the hill. But something felt different that day. My heart told me to turn left.

It was a small park, I walked on a path, stepping dried leaves, making cracking sounds under my feet. No one was around. I reached an opening, there was a red staircase going down. I've seen it before on my walks to and from work, but i never knew where it started nor ended.

I sat down on the steps. It was a beautiful view. The evening sun was peeking through the tall trees. I could see Unisel, my new home, I saw houses way beyond, near Bkt Cherakah. The sky was a pale blue waiting for the light to change. But it wasn't the view that caught me. It was the sound. The most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I closed my eyes and listened. I listened with all my heart.

Felt the wind blew the hair off my face. It blew through the trees, and through the leaves.... the rustling of the leaves. The wind kept blowing. All I could hear were the leaves brushing against each other creating a song so beautiful, it filled my ears and sung in my heart. Never have I heard such a beautiful sound, it was loud but it was lulling, strong but calming. Only the Creator can make such music. Truly God is Great.

The wind kept blowing, I let it all in. It was all around me. For a moment, I was flying. I let it all go.

High atop the trees, in my secret little garden
Where the wind blows, through the rustling of the leaves
Flickering sunlight peeking through
The wide evening sky

I close my eyes and face the wind
listening to all the zikir around me
praising the Greatness of the Creator
the most beautiful sound
often unheard
seldom realised

The light is changing soon
Oh how I love this!
Just leave me be
I'm flying

I wish you were here beside me
basking in His Love
I want you here with me
in silence
to hear what I'm hearing now
to feel what I'm feeling now

I want you with me
Can I rest my head on your shoulder?
I dream we share these moments one day
The beauty of it all

I want you here with me
just to hear the rustling of the leaves
atop the trees
where the wind blows

In silence, I could fall asleep and it wouldn't matter.

cuppatea

2008-10-27T09:50:00.000+08:00

feels like home with a cuppatea
away from anarchy
beaches, trains and rooftops
my secret garden
to write and read
to learn to travel to dream
to fly
warmth in the eye
melting insides
how long
might never be
just revel in the now
so effortless
just fit
like its been there all along
wanderings of a dreamer
there is a clap
or two?
here and now
wait, just wait
maybe
hope
pray
how?
uncertain
in heaven maybe
lets fly
lets soar
lets sit in slumber
in silence
in dreams and in nightmares

wishful thinking...
wishful thinking.

a moment that felt like forever

2008-10-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

happy, happy.... *irin, wipe that silly smile on ur face*

*jumping for joy, woohoo!*

*giddy grin like schoolgirl*

*singing out loud with eyes closed*

*sheepish grin during random moments*

*blushing on the inside*

*feet off the ground*

...sigh.... if only...

Fatal Flaw by South Jordan

2008-10-11T14:32:00.000+08:00

I'm currently hooked on xfresh fm, and this song keeps playing in my head and it hit certain strings in my heart. I'm not sure why xfresh plays them as they claim to play 100% Malaysian music and on myspace says these guys are from the US. Don't know maybe one member is frm Malaysia.... I don't care, i just love the song.

The band is called South Jordan and the song is Fatal Flaw which is a single from their album Only Halfway.

You can watch them on youtube and listen to the song on myspace
http://www.southjordanmusic.com or http://www.myspace.com/southjordanmusic

FATAL FLAW

They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warned: persistence is the fatal flaw
I find myself waiting
I find myself hoping that you’d
One day fall into my open arms

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

I’ve been here a time or two
Trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard
I got some battle wounds from this
I got the sinking feeling in my skin
I’m getting tired of the night
I’m waiting for your light

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

But it’s okay, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind, I’ll just take the back seat again
Cuz in the end, I’m here
In the end just sit and stare
Seasons change, now making way
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you
As I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for you

They said be weary of you
They warned: persistence is the fatal flaw.

I am a teacher and this is my lesson

2008-10-10T23:05:00.001+08:00

As always with love, there is heartbreak

Last, I told you about my newfound love, my students

Well now I’m going to tell you, how easily they break my heart
They broke me today, to pieces
What did they do? Ask me.
The worst thing you could do to me as a teacher…….
Is not coming to my class.

U didn’t do your homework, I just get mad,
U do it wrongly, I can lovingly correct you,
U arrive late, I can laugh at your excuses (u always hve one anyway)
U misbehave, sometimes I punish you
Any other way, I‘d just get angry or annoyed
Even then, it would just subside when I start teaching

But not coming at all….
U hurt me inside and made me sad
I am here to teach you
And teaching, I love most
You won’t even let me teach you
If you’re listening, this is how much it hurts

For every lesson, I pour my heart out
In preparing how best to teach you
To share with you what I know
So that you may have that knowledge too

I spend my time, cracking my brains,
On how best to let you learn
So that you understand and feel excited and love towards knowledge

I worked hard to prepare your projects,
Wake up in the middle of the night, startle in the middle of the day
Researching and thinking
On how to capture your imagination
Ignite your interest
And spark you with inspiration

So that you might find learning and knowledge fun
A valuable experience that you would remember
And be able to help you in your life
To seek knowledge wherever you may be
On your own

Because what makes a teacher most happiest
Is when her students become better people, better human beings
What makes a teacher happy
Is when you use what you learnt for your own benefit
What makes a teacher happy
Is when you cross a hurdle, rise up to a challenge
No matter how great or little
The joy is in seeing you try, then when you get the prize
And even when you don’t
Your teacher sees that you have gone just one step further than when you started

Your teacher asks for nothing in return
No gratitude nor reward

A teacher’s greatest reward is
When you are able to know yourself and believe in your own abilities
And see you go a lot further than she could ever go
Even though at the end
Your teacher is what you leave behind

But the knowledge and wisdom will always be with you
For as long as you live and keep using it
And that is a prayer, for your teacher

My beloved students
Learning and knowledge is not about the highest score
Or who has the best work
Understand that, YOU are my artwork, YOU are my masterpiece.
Learning and knowledge is about how YOU are as a person
It is about you, making choices, making your own decisions for your own life.

And my reason for being here, is just as a messenger
I can only show you the way
But you have to walk your own way

What a teacher teaches is not just skills,
Skills, you may forget them
But more importantly a teacher teaches values that help you make your own choices and for you to believe in those choices and to believe in yourself

So that is what makes the difference
Between a learnt person and one who isn’t
Is their ability an making good choices

So my dear students, stop hurting me
Just turn up for my class

I am a teacher and class is dismissed.

New Found LOVE

2008-09-28T01:10:00.000+08:00

my new found love. my students.

lucky i have so many of them, about 80. spend 20 hours with them officially and more hours outside. I need all the love and attention i can get. If only they knew how much they mean to me. Haha. Then again i hope they never find out. Cos then they'd realise how much i need them more than they'll ever need me.

i am blessed. truly i am. Thank u God.

i found my calling, and right now i'm pouring my heart and soul into it (them). Somehow people might warn me not to get too personal. I can't. This is me. This is how i function.

i love what i do. it gives me happiness beyond anything i had so far.

and it definitely helps to heal an injured heart. I am sorry. I don't know how to fix it. It is beyond repair. i tried to mend it. many times. and it gets worse every time.

right now. all i am focusing on is just my love to God. and in that, i try to just do things, everything, every second just for Him. Because He knows, He understands, He sees, He listens and He helps me with each and every thing. He loves me and i intend to love Him as much as i possibly can. All that i have now, all that I am, is all because of Him. All praises are to Allah the Almighty. Ar Rahman Ar Raheem. From him derives all form of knowledge.

He is Bountiful and Rich. Oft Giving, oft Merciful. Yet He is never in need of anything.

I am trying. And i will never stop. So help me God. Show me the straight path. Only thee we worship and Only from thee we seek help.

The One. The Only.

The Everlasting.

The Giver. The Judge.

Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. La ilaha ilallah. Allahu Akbar.

Get Lost

2008-07-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

I listen to a song and I get lost.
I watch a movie or tv and I get lost
I hear a story and I get lost
I read a book and I get lost
I see a picture and I get lost
I go to a beautiful place and I get lost
I sleep and I get lost
It is so easy to get lost

I get lost in my head
Sometimes it is hard to snap back to reality
I get lost in stories
My own and some not

In my head,
I am anyone
In my head
I am anywhere
In my head
I can do anything

Beautiful places,
Beautiful faces,
Beautiful experiences

I am happy in the stories I create
But they’re all just in my head

Catharsis

2008-07-23T22:52:00.000+08:00

Writing is purging. I have a lot to purge. What do you call it? Aaah yes, catharsis. Emotional catharsis, this is mine.

Anger.
I have a lot of anger towards this country. The way it works. Actually more so because of the way it doesn’t work. It is not safe. It is not clean. It is not happy. But we are forced to believe it is so. And accept it as it is. And just live with this crumbling system.

Fear.
Fear of not doing things I should.
Fear of doing things I shouldn’t
Fear of not going anywhere
Fear that I’m supposed to be elsewhere

Sadness.
I’m sad that I cant make my parents happy
Sad that I’m not earning
Sad that I’m always yearning
So sad my heart is burning
I’m doing it again, shit, I’m rhyming.

Longing.
Longing to be somebody
Longing to be with somebody
Longing to be somewhere
Longing to be somewhere with somebody
Longing for all this crap to end
Or at least share this crap with someone
Who can help me believe maybe it’s not that crappy after all.

Pair of Despair

2008-07-23T22:47:00.000+08:00

The pair of despair
Have quite a funny air
One has long hair
The other is neither here nor there

Pair of despair
Seems like you have no care
But inside, both of you are bare
To add to the pain, neither of you have enough fare

Pair of despair
Life has many stairs
Though it always seems unfair
We’ll go nowhere if we just stop and stare

Pair of despair
We’re both weary from wear and tear
This emptiness we have to bear
Our happiness lies out there, somewhere

Pair of despair
Maybe this burden, we could share
Because alone, neither of us would dare
To go beyond our comfort lair

Pair of despair
While I sit in this uncomfortable chair
In wonderment that is not so rare
Maybe we do make the perfect pair?

pairs

2008-07-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep. I want to live in my dreams. I had a weird dream last night. It was my wedding. I didn’t see who it was. Then when I finally met him, I hated him. He was ugly and arrogant. And stupid. But I was already married to him.

I slept early last night. I was angry. But I couldn’t sleep anyway. When it was morning, it was raining. I went back to sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up.

I am lazy and irresponsible.

Pairs. Pair of spectacles. Pair of shoes. Pair of bra.

I have no pair. That is impossible. God said he made everything in pairs! Surely I have a pair. Maybe he died. (Maybe he’s gay! :enol) Where is my pair God? When are you going to let me be with him? I am not good enough still? I’m sorry.

The Train Ride

2008-07-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

I wrote this while on a komuter heading to Subang Jaya from Rawang on 21st July 2008.

I don’t have nice sketchbooks. Most designers I know have beautiful sketchbooks. I always have something to write on with me. Usually designers sketch a lot; they’re very visual by nature. I have lots and lots of notebooks filled with more words than pictures. I’m just more comfortable this way.

I take trains a lot too. Train rides are long and it always gives the right mood for writing. I live in my head most of the time. Train rides are perfect opportunity to get lost in your head. Amidst strangers with funny smells and funnier looks.

The clouds are grey. It’s going to rain soon. Rainy train rides on Monday afternoons.

Beautiful Places with Beautiful Colours.

I like to pretend. Pretend I’m someone else, in a different place doing different things. What kind of life would I like to lead?

I want a lot of things. I think everyone wishes for things. Ultimately, everyone wants to be happy, I think.

I want to live in a place with a beautiful view. Somewhere really high or by the sea. I want to travel the world and experience different lives. I want to be inspired and inspire others as well. I want to write or produce something, anything that involves the sharing of many stories. Mine and others.

I don’t know, sometimes I feel like writing, sometimes drawing, most of the time singing and dancing. I love movies and music. They give you all of that sensation, seeing, hearing, moving. I can just get lost in it.

I wish there was someone, who could share these experiences with me. Someone who shares the same sensations that I do in these experiences. Or at least be able to talk about it really well, making it an experience in itself. Its like a friend once said (yeah enol, its you), someone who understands to be silent when your favorite song is on the air and lets you enjoy that moment, even in the middle of a conversation.

Maybe its just wishful thinking. I sure hope not. Hopeless romantic am I? Maybe it doesn’t happen often. I don’t know, maybe I do have a rose tinted view on what love is. It is a connection, an invisible communication between 2 people. I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m being unrealistic maybe? Most marriages are horrible, I take it? Maybe the love I’m hoping for can only happen in heaven. In this world, its God’s way of saying “there is no greater love than Mine.” Or “you’re all screwed, but be good, I’ll give you the big prize at the end if you manage to survive all this crap without screwing yourselves in the process.”

So in essence, to find love, to find happiness, we must learn to love God in all his manifestations. It is not easy, but it is not hard either. You just have to have faith. And believe unconditionally.

One ugly thing I hate to see when on train rides are the dirty rivers. We are a filthy country. There’s trash everywhere. It’s disgusting.

I don’t want to work in KL. So much time is wasted with just doing nothing. Just waiting. Waiting for transport. Waiting for people on transport. Waiting to transport people. I want to work far away, in another state or country maybe. Where the food is cheap and the air is fresher and the skies are blue and the water clear. KL is so dirty. Dirty place, dirty people with dirty hands and dirty minds. Yeah, sure, I can’t handle stress. Really? I call this stress unnecessary. Why should I choose to face this stress? There are always options. You choose.

Uplift Happy Soul.

Work – doing things I love. Having choices/ say/ power on how a thing goes. Work with time for inspiration, love, travel and self. Constant learning environment. Time to think. Time to decide. Time to have fun. Cooking, reading, dancing and traveling. Time to do what you love, including work.

I’m just killing time; I’ve been here in KL sentral for 2 hours. I couldn’t get on the train. Was packed so tight. Actually, just some inconsiderate people who don’t understand what “move to the middle of the car” means. Idiotic idiots who don’t understand the courtesy of using public transport.

Beautiful things. I want to make beautiful things.

Maldives. Just far away from this constant chaos. I can’t handle chaos. Heck, the name Irina means Peaceful. Go figure. Doesn’t look like I can get on the train anytime soon. Jostling shoving people. It sucks to be short. I could get a panic attack thinking I cannot breathe and might die amidst the evening smell of the KL masses. Why would anyone want to live in the city? I have no idea.

I love the book Secret Garden. It’s something about secret spaces where magic happens. Space where you can just get lost in your own world. I need a person who understands that. An understanding of why certain things had to be done a certain way or at least be able to argue intelligently about it. Intelligence is a rare quality. Sorry, I meant to be rude. I can’t find people who could hold my interest for long. People are boring. Or I’m just a skeptic.

I have watched 4 trains pass. I can’t get in. I don’t want to. This is crazy! How the hell am I getting home? Should I go to the other side so I could board the train 2 stations before? Or just waste this ticket and get on the LRT instead?

The people are getting more and more. Why can’t they have more trains during peak hours? Or at least add more cars to the train? Why can’t the idiot in charge and his team think up of a solution to this ever occurring problem? 5 trains. Tunggulah lagi.

I live in a country run by stupid people. Product of a stupid educational system that produces stupid people. Am I right? Or am I being over cynical? The people here prefer to bear with the problems and have no initiative or creativity or innovation whatsoever to think up of solutions to problems as soon as possible. Even the people responsible think that other people are responsible to fix the problems they created in the first place. Nobody cares to fix it. This country is run by idiots. The systems are archaic!!!

Failed Systems Run By Idiots.

Everything doesn’t work. Nobody has any idea to manage all these careless people. Stupid careless people who don’t care to clean their own shit and expect others to clean it up for them.

sayang aku

2008-07-15T14:53:00.000+08:00

sayang itu apa?
adakah berpegangan, berpelukan, berciuman itu tanda sayang?
kalau tidak bersentuhan, tidak boleh sayang kah?

tandanya aku sayang,
aku ingin pelihara kau dari kejahatan
jauhkan kau dari godaan

semestinya aku sayang,
jika dalam doaku saban saat nama kau aku sebutkan

memang aku sayang,
aku mahu kau gembira dan menempuh kejayaan

aku sayang,
aku mahu kau menjadi insan disayangi Tuhan

percayalah aku sayang,
jika perasaan aku masih bisa kau goreskan

jika aku tidak sayang,
tidak aku peduli apa yang kau katakan

kalau aku tak sayang,
lenyaplah kau dari ingatan

kalau benar aku tak sayang,
tiada apa harus kucoretkan

benarkah aku tak sayang?
jikalau itu, jawablah pada aku, mengapa aku masih ada disini?

2008-07-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

what happened to my love?

roboh

2008-07-15T14:31:00.000+08:00

mengapa jiwa ini rapuh,
ditiup saja, roboh.

mengapa otak ini bodoh,
tak mampu melawan keluh.

mengapa hati ini sakit,
semua segala jadi pahit.

megapa badan ini longlai lembik penat,
sedang banyak perlu ku buat.

mengapa semangatku menyerah,
tanpa sikit pun dikerah.

mengapa perasaanku kacau,
nak aja aku jadi sasau

mengapa aku segan,
berhadapan beban beban.

mengapa selalu di awangan,
menggunungkan harapan,
sedang apa yang di depan,
tak pula aku jadikan.

megapa tiada rasa disayangi,
aku tak faham, irin, kau nak ape lagi??????

random - revenge of the right brain

2008-07-10T15:06:00.000+08:00

clarks. pay survey please. start testing. do questionnaire. need food. birthday present. celebrate. take Sarvi to dinner. kakireka tomorrow? hide out. design blog. write review. want house. hold me. music. damn laptop speakers. mia palencia. laura. drink. apartment. Design Circus. singapore. pie. redang. Nani nani nani, i miss u. thesis. unisel. did i get the job or not? beach. freelance. boxes. cake. boxes. design. print and pattern. expensive bras. nice house.water. lake. ocean. island. teach. design. mak n bapak. GOD GOD GOD. get a job. finish thesis. need music. shop for furniture. food. shafik. hell. God. happy. friends? urgh. malas. really good food. fashion. dress. money. shoes. bags. donuts. ship. move. travel. island. beach house. swim. sea. moon. cook. teach. write. design. talk. research. cakebox. pay me. sing. dance. love. hate. play. breathe. God. try. choose. act. pray now. stop nonsense. company. enol. be alone. give time. live. read. walk. run. float. fly fly fly. sunfaith. moondream. mindship. loveheart. camera. picture. painting. drawing. decorate k nuruls hse. my room. purple. bedsheet. curtains. my own place. stationery. colourful. quirky. design. job. idea factory. ina. baby. cakes candles happy laughter. presents. singing. friends. party. norman. move. goodbye. God God God. contact lenses. cookie monster. optimus prime. berjaya times square. clarks. 258. money. pay survey. questionnaire. time time time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG - Oh My God

2008-07-10T12:40:00.000+08:00

Back in school, sigh...
turned 27 over the weekend
that's a lot of years, so many things have happened, or could have, or didn't
tomorrow is a mystery, yesterday is history, today is a gift, that's why we call it the "present".
Been living life, dealing with it one day at a time
always wishing for something better
trying to make it all happen, just trying, no matter how little,
tho it never seems enough, and it gets harder along the way

Don't know what's true anymore
Just holding on to kalimah Lailaha illallah, Muhammad rasullullah
its the only thing i know is true
everything else.... i don't know
Hope, Faith, Try and Choose
been travelling more, seeing new places, meeting new people, doing new things
still at night i cry
only God knows why, coz i sure as hell don't

All praises are for You, Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang,
You are the ruler of the Last Day
Only You I worship, and only from You i seek help
Please show me the right way, help me make the right choices
the way of those You love and not those You condemn

Please take care of my parents, senang dan tenangkan hati mereka
permudahkan segala urusan mereka
Please help my family, be closer to You and get farther away frm what You dislike
My friends, my teachers and their family too
Forgive us, for truly, we are just plain ignorant and weak
Please love us, for only You are capable of love that is boundless
Help us, for we are in dire need of help
Truly, we cannot live without You

I give my heart to You
I should give my everything
I'm still learning, still trying
I'm very slow, sorry
And i keep making the same mistakes
over and over and over again
You know this, for You knoweth all
Just dont let me forget You, an inkling of a second even
For only one is True, and that is You.

I will try and i will try
I can only try
Just try.

To the one that was, and always will.

2008-05-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

I don’t hate you. I can’t. Never could.

I’m not here to fight. I’m not here to defend myself even. I’m not pointing fingers.
Maybe someday you will understand.
Why it had to happen this way.

I have loved you with all my heart, from the very first day.
I know you do, love me. You are true and I know you care.
Then, what’s wrong, you wonder?
Nothing is wrong.
Why do we look for what went wrong?
I’m going to tell a story. A story of what went right.

We were friends since we were little,
I can honestly say I fell in love with you at 11 years old
You were like the sunshine, your smile made me happy inside
When everything else made me grey, you made me yellow, orange and red.

We were together, we were apart.
We weren’t kids, we loved each other for reasons no one can fathom
I’ve loved you ever since, no one else comes close, nobody could.
Even when we weren’t together, I knew we will be.
I believed so. And so it was.
Together again.

You were everything. My reason for everyday.
God, you’re so beautiful.
Nothing could make me happier.
Truly, this is love, I say.
So many things we went through,
Good and bad, we braved it together
I felt like we could face anything that came
We’re going to last. This is forever.

Then here we are, how did we get here?

It happened so fast, where did it all go?
It was so near, yet so far.
This doesn’t make sense!!

So this is where the story changes.
Mind you, we are not the Writer.
We are works of fiction, written by God.
He is the One, the Almighty.

I cannot say when or where.
I changed. You changed. We both did.
Circumstances happened, giving us different set of experiences.
We weren’t stuck in a time warp.
We did move. In opposite directions.

One thing we both were sure of,
We were looking for what we were looking for
To reach our dreams, to realize our potential
In a journey to be better people
Each encouraging the other, to be the best that they can be
Never realizing in the process,
We were both going separate ways.

One thing is true.
We became better people.
But we also became different people than when we started.

You are a greater man now, than before
We always believed in each other.
Maybe that is our story

We were part of each other’s lives when both were lost
Both hurt and looking for directions in life
Not knowing ourselves or what we wanted

So we decided, to be there for one another
We held hands throughout the journey
Braving each obstacle together, one helping the other
Never giving up
Looking for happiness, searching for each other's utopia

We reached a crossroad.
We said its okay, we’re stronger now
The answers you seek are in that way, and mine the other
We have to continue the journey separately
To each his and her own
It didn’t matter, its okay, we said
I just want you to be happy
You want me to be happy too
Let’s cross the bridge when we come to it
See you at the end of the road

But like two parallel lines, never to meet in a single point

Maybe that is our story
We were in each other’s lives to help each other through
At one point in time
To be better people

But was never meant to finish the journey as one.

Shafik, you helped me believe in myself
You helped me find happiness and joy in things I never normally would
You made me laugh, you made me smile like I never smiled before
You showed me how to play and enjoy life, enjoy love, enjoy family
What you gave to me,that will never change, no one will ever replace
You helped me overcome my fears, my tears and my flaws
You are some of the most beautiful memories I ever had

Thank you for being part of my journey and helping me through
I left not because of hate, or of anger
I understand, now that we know what we’re looking for
And where we are heading
That we want the same things but in very different ways
And it is only fair, and out of love
That I let you go,
So you can be, the man that you are supposed to be
A great man indeed

So understand, from this point on
Don’t look back in anger
There was nothing wrong
We did what we had to do
I have no regrets of our relationship,
It was beautiful for what it was
And it was meant to be what it was meant to be

I only wish the best for you
And your happiness means the world to me

From this point on
We continue our journey
In separate ways
To become the best that we can be
But know that you will always be my dearest
A part of me only God knows how much
And my prayers will always be with you

God has written the story of us
Neither of us knowing how it will end

Goodnight and goodbye
For what it was and always be.

Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

2008-05-11T20:21:00.000+08:00

Dear God, please help me through this. Help me be strong.
I really thought he would, I really did. I was so wrong. so wrong.
Please let it die. Please don't let it hurt so bad.
i cant afford to be sad
I know now its true. I guess I've always known
but i kept making excuses for the sake of my own

Get on the train my dear irina
Before it moves and leaves you again
get on the train
We'll go someplace and start over
Come lean on my shoulder
We'll do this together
everything will be alright, we're still on our feet
but be prepared to bleed
Cut me, I'll grow
Hold on silly girl, it'll get better you know
Yeah it will, I'm sure
keep running on your faith
for good things come to those who wait
He let you go, he let you go
So leave, leave ....
Say goodnight and go

Such disorder in my wit.

2008-04-07T15:51:00.000+08:00

"I will not keep this form upon my head / When there is such disorder in my wit"
-Ophelia, in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

"I need a haircut. My head has gone bonkers." - irina

painting: John William Waterhouse's painting Ophelia (1894) courtesy of wikipedia.

Dancing is My Joy

2008-03-13T09:28:00.000+08:00

I’m a sucker for dance movies.

So yesterday, I dragged my only friend who could layan my fetish for moving agile bodies, Pie, to watch Step Up 2: The Streets. After an hour and a half of cheering and ‘boogie’ing in our seats, until the cleanup crew had to wait for us and turn the lights back off cos we insisted on watching the whole credits till the end (thank you Galaxie Ampang, u guys are so sweet)…. Here’s what I’d like to share….

1) All dance movies have the same storyline.

No matter which era the movie is from or what style of dance, the storyline is basically the same. You start off with the protagonist, who’s a dancer of course, but is facing a problem (no money, parents disapproval, past trauma, mixing with the wrong crowd…) and that problem disables them from dancing and fulfilling their dreams. The next part is when they meet some people and start to kick themselves in the butt and tell themselves “hey, I can do this!”. This is followed by a series of challenges and obstacles which is shown by juxtaposition of many practice sessions scenes which is to show us, the audience, that dancing is a really tough thing. Then there’s the first challenge, the first ‘dance test’,that they will fail miserably and humiliate themselves at which this point they will think of hanging their dancing shoes (dance speak for quitting). And then there’s the ‘other person’, the one that gives the main role the reason to dance which will utter magic words that stops them from quitting. And finally there’s the FINALE. The final dance sequence, which is the ultimate pinnacle of dance movies, though they’ll try to make it stumble a bit so as not to be so predictable, but all ends well in boogieland, and it ends with everyone dancing away to the song while the credits roll up.

2) All dance movies have the same characters.

a) the underdog – this is usually the protagonist or a team (Take the Lead). Whatever they do, they suck at life, but they’re really good dancers and dance is their passion and their life. (Flashdance)

b) The dream killer – this can come in the form of the parents (Honey), or the dance school director (Step up 2), or anyone from their past. This character’s job is to kill the dream. They’re the ones who don’t believe in the underdog. Usually though, this character becomes supportive after the final dance sequence.

c) The best friend – a-ha, this part basically acts as the ‘fairy godmother’ in this story. They’re the one who’s gonna show you what’s cool and basically help pimp you out for the finale. Sometimes there’s gonna be a conflict with the best friend but usually, they’ll still help out in the end . (Shenille frm Save the Last Dance).

d) The love interest – oooh, this is the best part. Because dance movies have to be hot and passionate. Usually it’s the dance partner (Dirty Dancing 1). And this part you’ll have the really hot couple dance sequence (Dirty Dancing Havana Nights). But basically, this particular person will be the reason to dance your heart out for.

e) And of course, The Crew – these are basically the other dancers in the movie. (Grease) Sometimes they don’t act much, they’re pro dancers and will be in the big Finale dance sequence. Or they’re usually the outcast and are pretty loony characters (Fame, Centerstage). They provide the comic moments and usually have short but funny lines. (the short penguins from Happy Feet)

3) The acting is kayu, bt you’ll enjoy it anyway.

Dance movies are cheesy and highly predictable. But the reason you’ll walk away feeling like you had a blast of a time is because of the dance. Its like going to a party and you feel so hyped up (and everyone at the party can actually dance and have the same dance moves as everybody else- Dance With Me). And eventhough you cant do a plie-triple spin and a split, you’ll feel like you can boogie your worries away doing a robot dance or macarena. Oh come on, dats why we love Bollywood movies!!!! Plus these movies usually have the best soundtracks.

4) You will feel like nothing is impossible and all your dreams will come true.

Dance movies are about dreams. Its about achieving the impossible and believing in yourself. No matter how bad a state you’re in, you’ll always get that big break.

I’m a dreamer and a believer with undying faith. And I learn that from watching dance movies, haha.

There are still a lot more dance movies that I haven’t watch (Strictly Ballroom, pls someone get me the DVD!!!). And I’m still on my never ending quest to watch ALL dance movies and especially that FINALE. And I have to say that “Step Up 2: The Streets” have the meanest and coolest dance grooves in any finale I’ve seen.

Dang, and tho I may not be able to do the split and I don’t look as hot as Janet/Britney/ Aaliyah when I dance, I’ll keep on dancing. Dancing is joy to me. Which is why I need to get a job fast so I can pay for studio lessons!!!! Hahaha, until next time peeps, MOVE TO THE BEAT!!!!

"If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music"

lyrics - Pink

pieces dont fit here anymore

2008-02-27T17:40:00.000+08:00

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
III dont know why...... whyyyyyyyy!

lyrics by james morrison

irina - they're just song lyrics, but they write it better than i do. I can no longer write. not now.

SOULMATE

2008-02-25T10:29:00.000+08:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told

somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

if there's a soulmate for everyone

lyrics are by natasha bedingfield

irina - I let it all go. So help me God. I pledge my unwavering faith in you.

"Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help." - Al fatiha.

2008-02-12T16:49:00.000+08:00

persetankan setan itu!!!!
move it.
God please.
let me go.
apa dia?
now is not the time
aku nak jugak
i dont know how to
pegilaaaa
SAKITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What my birthdate means

2008-01-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

I actually have other things i wanted to write about, mainly, Layar Tanchap, Kakireka, Pangkor and Sg Pisang. But being so addicted to Facebook at the moment got me distracted so I'm posting this instead, haha.

5 JULY 1981

You are multi-talented, and which you believe grow only by sharing with others.
(aiyah, how come my talents dont include driving ah? of course, of course, my motto, give more ask less)

Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too close to peoples' hearts to bring about jealousy. (so shy la... red face oredi, hehehe...)

Creative and original, you're usually thinking of bleeding edge ideas.
(can this be considered a recommendation for me so i can get a job in advertising? Told you I was born to be a designer, art director,creative director..)

Witty and quick thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges.
(hmmm, yeah, explains why I have yet to find a good job)

Your greatest strength is: Your superhuman brainpower
(Oh ya ka? wah, I so agree with this, haha, siakuk gelle!!)

Your greatest weakness is: Your susceptibility to boredom
(Yes Shafik, apparently its pre destined)

Cancer goes best with Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus and Virgo.
(This one I dont agree lah, my best friends are capricorns, aries and taurus and my boyfriend Gemini, how la? but then I believe I sure can get along with anyone one...)

Cleaning out the closet.

2008-01-04T00:28:00.000+08:00

I cleaned up the cupboard room.

4 things i realised.

1)If the Batik Guild decided to study the development of Batik motif through the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s until today, they should just look at my mother's vast collection of baju kurung and kebayas. She keeps them all!!! they're in mint condition so they call it in collector's speak. It's silk and only dry cleaned so the colours are still vibrant. From the ostentatious kurung moden of the 80s shoulder pad phenomenon (like those Rafidah Aziz still wears today), to the slightly more abstract patterns of the streamlined nineties and the swirly craze of the 2000s, its a whole museum collection in here! I could curate a show, "the batik collection of Cikgu Hjh Maimunah Nazarene" albeit bonus with matching shoes and handbags. Its a teacher thing. Sad thing though, i cant fit any of her baju. I'm too short. And fat. Sigh.

2) My family has enough things in 1 room to furnish 3 entire families. I've packed 5 bags to give away to the flood victims. There's still more stuff. And all this is after we did a garage sale and cleaned out what i thought was most of the stuff. When my friends come over, i got so much to give them. Last week, i gave a whole new wardrobe to Enol, Some of the clothes are not even worn yet. Some things we bought it with hopes we cud fit it, someday, haha. Some we bought to give others, but never did. Some other people gave to us but we didn't really like or just simply forgot it's ours. These stuff are in good condition but we just got so much of it. My dad would pick it up again most of the time I tried to get rid of it, citing future plans for the stuffs that never seem to happen in the now or near future. STOP HOARDING PEOPLE!!!! I'm tired of always having to clean up your mess!!

3) I see stuffs my Bapak bought for my other siblings. The Shooter jacket for Erwin, the mock engine and drums for Iwan, the piano+softball+tennis for Irma, the bowling balls + golf set + ice skates + horse riding + go kart for Nani... which got me asking my Bapak, what did he ever bought for my hobby/interest? He answered he doesnt know what my interest was. I never told him. He only knew my interest was books. But his books are not on the subjects i like. And the encyclopedias that i DO read, was bought by my mum who thinks the only one who ever reads them is Iwan. Which is wrong! Iwan reads the Britannia, World War and Life series BUT I WAS THE ONE READING THE CHILDREN'S ENCYCLOPEDIA AND THE HISTORY THROUGH THE AGES SET!! sorry, i'm kinda pissed cause earlier, we were eating cheese that Nani brought from France, it was round and had red wax wrapping it, i know it had a specific name for that cheese because i read it in the encyclopedia, because when i was a kid i accidentally ate the wax instead of the cheese, so i asked Nani but she didn't know so i took out the encyclopedia and showed where it showed the different kind of cheese (its edam cheese btw) beause i remembered reading it there (plus, i was the one who arranged the library, so i knew where every book was). Then my mum said, "Oh, i remember when Iwan used to be the only one reading that set." Damn, i was pissed. Only Iwan reads, only Irma cleans.... I read, I clean. I fucking indexed the house! I have interests too, y'know. Art, Design... if any of you care.

4) I came across 4 boxes/crates of Nani's toys. She has 4 Barbies (clothes, shoes, house, bathroom, kithen, living room, bedroom), Lego, Lasy, Cluedo, Matermind, Congkak, plush toys (including that REALLY BIG teddy bear from Teddy Tales that costs rm400). There was also the Tomy Fashion Plate which belonged to Irma, which she only gave to me when i was too old for it and had to give it to Nani. It gave me the time to reminisce about my childhood.Its a vintage toy. Now with most of the plates missing. Damn.I googled on Ebay, it now costs about 17-35 USD. I remember having two toys. Both of which Irma handed down to me. I had 3 Barbies, I gave one away to my cousin in Sarawak. It had a whole house too, difference is, I made it myself. The house was a mirror frame where the glass had broken, the dining table was a combination of the Wall's plastic ice cream cup (the one where you could use the cover to make the base so the cup can stand) and a round white plastic casing as the table top. The stove was a cassete case. The cups were from mechanical pencils back cover, the bed a shoe box, the cupboard also a box which i made compartments and the hanging pole was a lidi i poked through the box. Oh and the Fashion Plate of course. Because i had few toys, i really took care of it. its so sad to see it like that.

Hmmm, see what cleaning does to me? At least now all the clothes are hanged in the same black hangers and arranged according to colour. And now a lot of people are going to get some really stylish nice clothes. And Bapak now feels indebted to buy me something haha. And I dont need to buy my children toys, i got whole sets to give them. And the cupboard is so neat, you could sleep in it.

And I finally got something to blog about.

AAAAhhhh, cleaning is cleansing.

Rawangnization

2007-12-30T12:25:00.000+08:00

So many things to talk about and i have not a single thing to say. People dying, floods, political turmoil, incompetent leaders, poor education system, flawed humans, the closeness of kiamat, gays, lesbians, Britney, crimes.............

Just so many things to have opinions on, and all i can think about at the moment is I'm hungry and bored out of my mind.

And I'm too lazy to do anything. Even blog.

SNAP!!!!

uugh, the kobis thing is happening again. it happened in 2002, 2003, it happened in 1998. Its when you just get stuck doing meaningless things again and again, and your brain just stops working and your will just gives up to pursue anything. It is a very weak state to be in and you find yourself latching on somebody else, anyone you can grab, to help you stabilize or hoping they bring you along with them to a happier state of being. But you know that you have to do it yourself, you have to snap out of it and get it rolling again. You want to but you cant seem to be able to.

I know exactly the things that I'm supposed to do. I know what are the right things to do. But I don't want to.

Mature, responsible adults. We have choices and decisions to make. Every bit of time, for every bit of reason, for everyone and everything, we have to make choices. We never know if its the right decision. We try our best and hope its the right one. The rest, we have to leave it up to God whether he wants to make it happen or not or happen in a different way, whatever. Or if its a mistake for you, a bad choice, you are supposed to 1)be angry and upset for a while 2)Cool off and believe that it all happens for a reason 3)Accept it as fate and that its actually good that it happened somehow 4)Move on to the next decision you have to make and hopes it gets better this time.

What happens if you decide to not choose? That is also a choice. I choose not to decide, I choose not to make a decision, I choose not to choose. Time still revolves however, and though you may think that you got away from making that choice, the choice you made not to choose still counts as a choice, albeit a bad one, and then you have to bear the consequences.

Yes, consequences, reciprocations, another part of the adult human cycle. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Factor against time, you pretty much get how the whole system works. But just because you know how the system works, doesn't mean you know how to work the system.

Ahah! you have to remember, that the system does not only revolve around you. It involves everyone and everything, human, non human, gay, straight, solid, non solid, living, non living.... taking into count that every single one of those factors also have differing factors of their own that influences their decisions and their behaviour and actions. haha, therefore, we're all in this big jumbo web of mess and we're screwed anyway.

Here's an example. Sort of.

I'm hungry. Choices a)cook b)buy c)hunting. I choose not do anything because I'm just too lazy. I choose nothing. Which still counts as a choice, which will make my mum very mad usually because a responsible daughter would have food ready for the whole family, which because my sister nani aka favourite daughter is back frm france, which makes my mum happy happy cheery joy joy, so she didn't get mad, instead bapak brought us all out for dinner and shopping, where my mum bought me a MAC foundation, which was recommended by this guy who works at the counter named Fawzy which i later found out through Yahoo Answers is the wrong kind of foundation, which makes my skin oily, which also costs rm115, which is not returnable because i used it once (well, how was i to know its really wrong for me unless i try it?), which makes me pissed, which makes me clean the house, which i can't stop....

okay, that' not a good example, here's another one...

Taman Melawati,1999, after SPM, my Dad wont let me work, instead i stayed home and clean the house and do the laundry, which makes me open the balcony door to pick up the clothes, then i couldn't close it back because my hands were full, which enabled this lunatic to enter the house who hit me on my head many times with a helmet, which caused me to be hospitalised with fractured skull, which freaked the hell out of my parents, who decided we had to move to Rawang pronto, which made us live in this hell hole, which made my elder sister leave her kids here, which drives my parents mad, which drives the rest of us insane because nobody lives here, non of any of our friends live anywhere near here, which menyusahkan all of us to stay in touch with the rest of the world, plus the people here sucks, we can die of boredom and loathsome because we all become cabbages because the mentality of the people here are just, well, stupid, and the schools here are not great like SRK Subang Jaya 1 under Mr G. Jeyahrahman (he is a great man i'll write about him next) which makes my nephews and niece not get a good education and they grow up to think like the rest of Rawang people who just love to make everything so 'chekai' and dont seem to want to better themselves, and we're stuck in this rut till God knows when coz my parents are old.......... "Rawangnization" - the process of which you become stupid and do stupid things. You become stupid, bored and lazy.

I don't exactly know how to explain what all of this has got to do about choices that we make...

But if I had decided to work after SPM, a lot things would have been different for me, for all of us. And that day which I got assaulted which made us all wind up here i Rawang...had it not happen, the bad things happening to all of us since we stayed here probably wouldn't have happened maybe? By bad things, i mean serious stuff that affects all of us, which i cant mention here because it involves a lot of family stuff.

A lot of problems my family is facing right now has to do with the fact that we live in Rawang. But i must believe that everything has a reason. God has a way of doing things. Bad things happening to some people, enable good things to happen to others.

A boy plays with a ball. It rolls onto the road, the boy chases after it, a car swerves to avoid him and hits another car. The driver dies in the collision. One dies, so the other can live. They are total strangers with absolutely nothing in common. But one moment of fate, of choice, choose to run after the ball, choose to swerve, resulted in an outcome which greatly affect not just them, but many others. The driver's family. The other car. The boy. The passerby who witnessed it.

We are all connected to one another whether we know it or not. Every choice we make or don't make affects the way the world works. So remember this, try to make good choices, and the rest.... just believe.

irina muis monologue part 1

2007-12-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

irin 1: How're you?

irin2: okay i guess. with a tad bit of sadness hanging in the background.

irin1: Where have you been? You havent posted anything for some time...

irin2: I've been on a journey and my writings have become too personal to be shared here.

irin1: Hardly any1 reads the stuff you write...

irin2: Still, i've been angry and you say stuff you dont mean when ur angry. Putting it on the net just adds fuel to fire. And there are the conversations with God that i'd rather not share with others. yeah i do sensor myself..

irin1: you mentioned a journey, what journey were you on?

irin2: asking questions about a lot of things, coming to conclusions and making decisions .... y'know, life stuff..

irin1: sounds heavy

irin2: Well yeah, its kinda personal.

irin1: ape sbenarnye yang kau nak cakap kat sini? Aku ingat kau ada banyak benda nk ckp, i'm still nt seeing any points...

irin2: Entahla, aku rase I'm nt good at this anymore..

irin1: slow slow la, dats wat I'm here for.

voyeuristic tendencies

2007-09-16T03:14:00.000+08:00

i like looking at other people's pictures. Sometimes i wish it was me in those pics. having those happy memories. this fetish further fed by friendster enabling me a glimpse into other's experiences. Some of them I know, some i used to know, some i thought i knew, some i wish i had known.

pictures tell of places and time. experiences. people. friends. family. love.

pictures tell of what others have. And i have not.

selfish girl.

invisible as always.

never a matter of importance to anyone.

the people whom i thought are most important, most special to me, have other people more important and special to them.

it feels strange. never belonging to anyone or anywhere or anyplace.

a meaningless soul wandering slowly through time. never fitting in.

the awkward shape that juts out of place.

What does it feel like, to be a part of something? a real part of something?

not just a fleeting piece. but one that actually sticks and crumble alike.

In a sea of people, how can i feel so alone?

I surrender my all to you God. I am yours. And yours only.
Please have a place for me near you, though i may not deserve it.
You are my creator and to you i return and hope i belong. I'm sorry i can't fit in this world. I honestly do not know how. They speak a different language, they dance to a different beat, they see and feel in ways that are alien to me.

i just want to be normal. like the rest of them, in those pictures that i like to see.

Magic

2007-09-11T11:54:00.000+08:00

To dance with abandon

To sing with the wind in my heart

To soar with no wings

To spin in the sand

To bask in the moonlight

To run with no halt

To dive into the blue crystalline water

To be held in the warmest embrace

To smile until your eyes shine

To glow inside and at the tips of your fingers

To listen to sights

To see sounds

To touch the feel of nothing

To taste the flavour of everything

To smell the sweetest of joy

To feel the freedom of spirit and soul

That is HEAVEN.

The house on the beach - prt 2

2007-09-11T11:47:00.000+08:00

Morning at home.

After Subuh (dawn) sky is beautiful. The dark blue of yesterday meeting against the bright orange light of today giving you a colour combination so contrast yet so harmony. A blend only God would be able to pull off.

The smell of the ocean beckons me. The soft cooling wind exchanging the heat from inside my wooden house. I step down the white steps and my feet touched the soft white sand. Feels like damp flour. I walk along the beach where the ocean was yesterday. The feeling of cold wet sand underneath my feet waking up my senses.

I breath in and took in my moment. I look back at my house. Just a while, I thought. I’ll be back to make breakfast for my sayangs. Thank you God.

The house on the beach

2007-09-11T11:44:00.001+08:00

I want to disappear to my beach house on the island, go swim in the clear blue ocean, swim with the fishes. Lie on the hammock, lie on the beach and watch the full moon rising. Read a book on the patio, dance underneath the moonlight on the verandah. Fall asleep in the arms of my loved one on the swing on the front porch. Dipping our feet into the water at the end of the boardwalk during sunset, morning walk by the beach on the wet sand watching the sun rise. Lying down by the beach, looking at the stars and the full moon. Feeling the ocean breeze on my face and in my hair. Seeing the flames crackle and pop in the bonfire at night. Midnight swim. Snorkeling at the corals. Drawing, painting and writing by the window facing the sea. Teaching art and design to young children. Midnight walks and listening to the waves. Cooking in the kitchen with norah jones playing in the background. Reading harry potter with my kids and kiss them goodnight. Go sailing with my husband. Have a romantic dinner on the deck of our boat. Snuggle up to my husband by the beach. Go diving with the family. Barbecue seafood by the seashore. Fresh flowers gives out lovely smell. Family picnics under the coconut trees. Making sandcastles in the evenings.

My dearestever Circle Muncky,

2007-09-11T11:41:00.000+08:00

Hi, how’re you settling in there? I hope you’re fine. Nah, I know you’ll be just fine. You’ll blow them away with your coolness, those thin smoking lesbian frenchies!! (They do play good football and rugby though).

Is 3 years a long time? Well it depends on how you spend it. These are my suggestions on how you could do just that:

1) Have frequent webcam chats and calls wit ur family. Especially ur sister, (the cuter and nicer one you love more than the other one, hehe).
2) Do that thing Tom Hanks did in Da Vinci Code and walk on that Rose Line whatever and pretend. Why? Because I think it’d be cool.
3) Take plenty of pictures of anything interesting and quirky and mail it to your sister so she could plagiarize it in her designs.
4) Do your best in whatever it is you’re there for. YOUR best tau, not anyone else’s.
5) Keep urself healthy, body, mind and spirit.
6) Get help if you need it.
7) Tell me when your holiday starts, so I can plan my wedding.
8) Always have God in your heart, love him and he’ll love you.
9) Be nice to people. You’re a Malaysian ambassador, wooohoooo!!!!
10) Have fun and enrich your experience in Legal ways.

And here are the things you are not to do in those 3 years:-

1) Get married and pregnant. (hey, leave that to me will ya?)
2) Wild partying, flashing your boobs and random unsafe sex.
3) Recording acts no. 2 and broadcasting it on Youtube.
4) Drinking drinks that make you do 1,2 and 3.
5) Taking drugs that make you do 1,2,3 and 4.
6) Be like a thin, smoking lesbian frenchie.
7) Gambling everything away to do all of the above.

Well monyet sayang, as much as I’m gonna miss you around here ( I can’t go to pasar malam for the next 3 years, tsk,tsk!), I’m glad and happy you’re there to “jadi orang”. Be good or rather, make good choices. Weeeheeee!!!! Nanti balik sini balik k? kite gi ISLAND HOPPING!!!!!! I got money by then and you’re old enough, waaaahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! Take care!!!!! Muah muah muah!!!!!

Wobbly Puncky

Stuck In A Time Warp

2007-09-11T11:38:00.000+08:00

Nani has just left for France. For three years. 3 looooooong years. Uhuk uhuk.

Enol’s got a job and getting married next April.

Ina’s getting married end of this year.

Gee and Faz had their first baby.

Pie and Kak Ija got new, higher paying jobs.

Irah has a career and a baby.

Nymph is gone.

I’m still here.

Seems like everyone has moved on or moved ahead.

I’m still here. No job. No money. No one to cuddle with.
I don’t even have a car.

Feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everything else around me is moving at the speed of light.

I try so hard to hold on to them, all I grasp are shreds of nothing.

I can see everyone and everything just slip away, I feel the changes, the loss. When a smile is no longer as warm and inviting. When a hug is not as tight as it used to be. When the eye loses the twinkle and the voice loses its song. When you suddenly realize you can’t relate to whatever the other person is saying. Then I know, it is time.

Where am I now? How come I haven’t moved? Why am I still here? What the fish am I doing here? Where is here?

If my physical appearance doesn’t advance, I’m okayla. But everything is sagging and melting in places I didn’t even knew existed. Yeah, that’s where I’m moving, downwards and all around the tummy area. Guess gravity can’t fight time.

Time actually stopped for me and it let me watch everybody pass by in a colourful blur.

Bye bye everyone. I’m still here.

Life is one big cycle of sorrow

2007-09-01T13:07:00.000+08:00

Where art thou, God?
Where can I find you?
I need a teacher
I cant find you by myself
How is it, that ‘being good’ comes easy to some people?
Do they not yearn for the forbidden?
I do
Very much so
How is it that they like doing ‘what is told’ ?
I don’t really have any strong feelings for it
More often than not, I’m too lazy to do it
Why is it, that my heart only longs for the ‘wrong’ and not the ‘right’?
Am I evil?
I envy the good
It must feel beautiful to be loved by God
I want to be like them
They always seem so happy
But I cant seem to do what they do, doing good I mean
Praying 5 times a day, fasting from worldly needs
How do they do that with such ease?
It is the hardest thing for me
I know that I will die, yet too much of the world doth I love
I long for the heavens, yet I do nothing to deserve a place there
I’m sorry Raqib for letting you down
And Atid, I gave so much to write about, haven’t I?
I’m sorry God
I don’t understand what I say in prayers
I look up the meaning
But I never seem to remember
I don’t understand your verses
I don’t know what you’re saying
I cant read it well
Its in a foreign language I am not familiar with
Get a teacher, you say
What teacher can handle all these questions of mine without condemning me of blasphemy?
I have so much to ask you
Where am I with you?
Do you love me?
Can you love me as much as you do the ‘good' people?
I tried not to be bad
Why is it that all I want is to do the ‘bad’ stuff?
How come I never want to do the the ‘good stuff’?
Stuff you told us to do?
Stuff we have to do to go to heaven?
I want to go to heaven
It is happy there, right?
It’s a beautiful place
I am not happy here
Everything here makes me sad
Except your ocean, and your fish, your flowers, and the wind, and the moon
They are the most beautiful things here
I don’t like people
They are hurtful, some of them, most of them
They do all sorts of things, we I mean
They destroy the only beauty there is that you left for us here
I don’t know how to be around them
Yet I cannot live without them
What is heaven like?
Would you let me go there?
I don’t deserve to go there, do I?
They did what they were told, and more
They lived so bravely
And they are so strong
They love you so much
They gave up everything else. They gave up the world
I love you too
Why cant I be like them?
Nothing I do will ever be good enough
For anyone
Please forgive me for my rantings
There are more people out there who are unfortunate and need you
I’m just a raving lunatic
Who is sad for no reason
Who isn’t grateful
And selfish
All I want is to be happy really.
I want you to love me
And I want to go to heaven
that is all
Please forgive me, Allah subhana wata’ala.

Brainy? Beautiful? Patronuses and ikan bilis..

2007-08-22T15:02:00.000+08:00

Would I rather be brainy or beautiful?
Truth is, I’d rather be loved.

What would youI think about to produce a Patronus charm?
To do a Patronus charm, you have to think of the happiest thoughts you can think of. The Patronus charm works against dark magic, one of it which is to repel Dementors who’s main purpose is to suck all the happiness out of you.

I was thinking about this and I remembered, the happiest moment in my life.

I had just watched the sun rise. From the end of the wooden jetty, I dipped in my toes in the warm waters of Redang. I slipped down and immersed myself in the clear sparkling turquoise sea. After a moment of bubbles spraying around my body, I opened my eyes. It didn’t sting, the water wasn’t really salty. I walked slowly in the quiet stillness underwater, leaving a trail of sandy mist under my feet. I could see far beyond. There was no one else there. Except the fishes. There’s so many of them. All swimming around me in rhythm. The school of small ‘ikan bilis’ swam in a blur, a wave of my hand broke them up, then they joined back together again. I feel them swirl all around me but no matter where I turned, I could never touch them. I stood still and watched. There was no sound, but it was the most beautiful music I have ever heard.

It may seem selfish that my happiest moment didn’t involve any other person. I’m being completely honest here. Maybe, if there was any other person, I would feel compelled to ‘be’ a certain way. In the end, we are all alone anyway.

Why was that moment happy for me? In that solitude, I felt peace. Peace beyond any peace I have ever experienced. In that fleeting moment I was overjoyed but sad at the same time. I felt complete yet parted. I felt greatness yet I felt small. I felt free. I felt loved.

Sri Paandi Revelation

2007-08-08T14:39:00.000+08:00

If you eat banana leaf rice, the curry smell wont come off your hands for days. But its worth every bit of rice and papadam. To people who have doubt that Malaysian of different races and backgrounds can live in harmony, they must surely have never been to Sri Paandi PJ or any other daun pisang establishment. Its the epitome of Muhibbah. We Malaysians can surely tolerate each other, as long as we keep feeding each other good food.

I've a penchant for Indian food. Must be all those years I spent at Visithra's house when I lived in SS 12 Subang Jaya. After school, Aunty Bus (our school bus driver is a Chinese woman) sends us home amidst shouting at us for putting our hands out the window and throwing trash. Everybody did it back then. Since I'm alone, most of the time I go next door to Visithra's. Aunty Lingham makes lovely chappati and uuumph curry. Mmm yummy... served in the stainless steel wares that make the ice water sooo sedap. Aiyoh, papadam rocks!! then after that we'd watch movies about Hindu gods or maybe a Disney cartoon.

Those hot lovely golden vadai can make me as happy as chocolates can. Thank God I live in Rawang.

2007-06-25T02:13:00.000+08:00

THE SHORT OF IT. IT SUCKS

1) Perhentian Kechil Holiday, Mohsin Chalet.
2) UiTM Masters Registration
3) Stupid girls who send "sweet messages" to your boyfriend. FUCK YOU!!!
4) Your boyfriend who think its "sweet".
5) ME. Who still thinks we can work this out.
6) People who think they can make better decisions for your life.
7) People who should pay for things and get mad when they have to.
8) People who bring their bf home to their room to spend the night.
9) Being a jobless unmarried muslim woman in Malaysia at 26 years old.
10) Suddenly every1 around you confesses they dont like who you're with.

FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK EVERYTHING. I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

I'm an 80s Subang Jaya Kid

1. Are you a child of the 70s, 80s, or 90s?
80s definitely. Era of Michael Jackson and Madonna.

2. Where were you born?
Sibu, Sarawak

3. What city did you grow up in?
Partly Sibu wit my nenek, Subang Jaya, Seremban, Tmn Melawati, Shah Alam....

4. Did you enjoy your childhood?
actually no. I thot it was horrible. Life's better now.

5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Madonna.

6. What do you want to be now?
beach bum wit lotsa money who happens to do art and design.

7. Were you a fun little kid?
nope, don't think so. sulked and mengamuk a lot.

8. What was your first best friend's name?
didnt hve one particular person. Visithra while at home, Haslia and Ariffah at school and during playing getah, Stella in the bus, Che Lim and Bernie for rekorder playing and sharing thoughts, Joanne for book sharing and dissing 'assorted nuts' hahaa, Khairiah, Tesya, suria... i hve good memories of her.Malcolm during holidays. Shafik Afendi was my big crush.... and my current boyfriend... YAY!!!!!!!

9. Is he/she still your friend?
Some of them are on my friendster, bt thats as far as it goes. I realy miss them though.... sigh....

10. Can you name all the schools you ever attended?
Tadika Eden, SRK Subang Jaya, SR Taman Melawati, Tunku Kursiah College, Art and Design UiTM.

11. Were you closer to your mom or dad as a kid?
neither, pretty much by myself as a kid. Now I'm anak bapak, hehe

12. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying?
tape soundtrack beauty and beast which I latter dubbed (record la in cassete speak)and sold at school.

13. How old is a good age to have kids?
wished I cud hve the lorelai and rory relationship bt dat s too late now. Mum had me at 19. I'm 26 and unmarried so I'd be glad to have any kids. Actually hve got 3 kids at home already aiyaaa... so pening man...

14. Are you scared of anything?
dirty toilets, being unhappy, alone, hungry and being stupid and ignorant. my loved ones dying.

15. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
english. yay yay, got to sit beside Shafik, hahaa...

16. Did you buy school lunch or bring your own?
50 sen cud buy you a nasi lemak and ice cream sarsi with 5 sen change man!!!

17. Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid?
my mum held me by my legs and hung me upside down from the 2nd floor stairs. She slso stripped me naked and locked me outside the balcony.

18. Were you a mean kid?
A bit. my mom got called to school once cos I threw an ink bottle at Haslia's head. It missed luckily. Punched a girl once. And hantukkan these two girls head cos they were whispering.

19. Favorite board game of all time?
I only played chess and scrabble. Battleship was good when Malcolm brought it over to play.

20.did you play house or pretend to be a super hero?
Used my mak's terompah to tumbuk the leaves around the house for masak2. Played a lot of imaginary games with Visithra cos I didn't have toys. Cudnt beat Haslia at batu seremban, getah and chup tiang at school

21. Seriously, are you still just a kid at heart?
No. Old and jaded.

2007-05-26T00:51:00.000+08:00

they took off gilmore girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh!!!
I HATE YOU CW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-27T13:46:00.000+08:00

I dream of a marriage that would save me. Truth is, there’s no such thing. My mind’s so messed up that any other person can’t do anything to help me. I dream that everything will be fine when I get married. I mean. You can have sex then, right? It’s suppose to relieve some stress and balance your hormone or something?

I keep on thinking, how much longer do I have to wait till that moment of happiness. I’ll be brain dead by then. But really, it’s hoping for too much aint it?
Marriages are not like that. You don’t expect your partner to save you, right? No one can save you from yourself. If that person can’t handle you now, he probably won’t later.

I dream that it will all be okay if I get married. I won’t be so, so … screwed up. Maybe I’ll finally be happy. I thought maybe he’ll have the solutions to all these problems. He’ll have the answers and help me through this shit.

But that’s not what its like at all. You don’t go into a marriage hoping to dump your shit on someone else.

He can’t help. He won’t. He wouldn’t know how to.

But why can’t it be like that? Why can’t he make it all better?

Coz only I can make it better. I have to be happy with what I have and not what I don’t. I’m not happy because I’m not thankful with all the blessings He has given me.

Why am I so logic? Sometimes I wish I’m not. I wish I could just be angry at everything and not have myself answering my own questions.

Because I’m smart. That’s why. When you’re smart. You know too much, you think too much. If you’re not so smart, not so many things bother you. That’s why all those bimbos can afford to smile and be happy all the time. There’s not that many things that they have to think about that can bother them and mess their head or hair. I think of too many things and it messes my system. And when my systems in turmoil, so does my look, making me ugly to look at (serabut) which then makes me stressed out even more coz people don’t like to look or interact with ugly people (people who are serabut). Which makes everything else go wrong and no one will help coz you’re scaring them away.

Still hoping for that fairy godmother. That knight in shining armour. To save me and make everything beautiful and alright.

That is not how it is. Reality bites. Truth sucks!

You’ll get married. You’ll finally get to have sex. Then you’ll think its really not what its hyped up to be. Its probably boring even. You will have breakdowns hoping your husband will understand and support you. But he wont. He will ignore your ‘breakdowns’ because its sooo common and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he does nothing. He might get tired of it and wished for the happier person you were before. Then he’ll meet someone who’s not so screwed, maybe a bimbo who’s smiling and laughing and has no problems with the world. He’ll decide that the girl is less stressfull and more beautiful anyway. Something like how his wife was before he got married to her. Not realizing that the girlfriend would also be like the wife later on.

You hope to turn to your friends, who by now have their own families and problems and wonder why YOU still cant get over yours. She will probably think, “Besides, we haven’t seen each other so long because you were so busy with your boyfriend you didn’t have time to lepak together and I don’t really want to hear her talk about her problems, I’d rather talk about mine. She deserves whatever happened to her anyway.”

You’ll get depressed which makes you ugly which makes people hate you. Then you realize the only thing you have control over is the house, therefore you clean it, rearrange it, make it nice. It’s the only thing that helps you deal with everything else that’s out of your control. Then there’s you, yourself. It’s like a drug. A temporary high. The short bursts of pleasure that makes you forget everything for a fleeting while. For a short moment, you forget all your troubles. Until it comes crashing down again and you hate yourself for it.

Oh, and you’ll have kids. They are a nightmare but you’ll love them beyond anything. You try and warn them about the evil world, but they’ll never listen to you. (Then you’ll finally understand why your parents were the way they were with you and forgive them.) And (the children) they’ll do the same mistakes you did or maybe even worse. They will hate you for being right but somehow they still love you in a weird resentment kind of way. And they will leave. Then they return, ask for money. Then they leave. Then they return. Then YOU’ll leave.

Cos you’re dead.

2007-04-27T13:32:00.000+08:00

Harry and I

The place he hates most is the safest place for him. The Dursley’s are his worst nightmare. They abuse him mentally, physically and spiritually. He is undernourished with no company. He has no one there who cares for him. He hates Dumbledore for making him stay there and he doesn’t understand why he has to stay. But that is the only place where he is safe from his worst enemy Voldemort. There, Voldemort can’t get him. Voldemort can’t kill him if he is in the Dursley’s house.

I just realized how much I’m like Harry. I hate it here in this house. No one here cares. There is no proper food. I’m alone in my room most of the time crying, writing, and sleeping. At least he has Hedwig. I don’t even have a means of telecommunication. My phone is broken and there’s no internet whatsoever. I can go crazy by myself here. And Carmen is bad company. But I’m safe here. There’s a reason why God put me here in this house in Shah Alam. I asked to be saved many times before from this hell. Truth is, I am saved, and that’s why I’m here. I’m safe here where the only thing to hurt me is myself. If I were somewhere else, I’d be worse. I’d be a whore. A slut. A bohsia. If I were somewhere else, I would be that person who is an alcoholic, is promiscuous and doing drugs. I’d probably be sleeping in drains and sidewalks. I’d be the one who threw her newborn baby in the trash. Sell my body for cash. All the evils are Voldemort. And it could kill me. Because I would do those things.

Harry and Voldemort are alike in many ways. What differentiates them are their choices.

I am saved because none of my friends ever invited me to do vice. Even if sometimes I do wish I could try some, a bit. But I have never had any access to any of it. The only guy I ever known who is the only person to be my boyfriend is Shafik. If it wasn’t him, I’d be banged up and pregnant now. I have no other guys who could be my boyfriend. I rarely meet people and none of them even came close to being anything near to a boyfriend. I don’t smoke, drink or have sex. Not really because I don’t want to. I’ve never had a chance to make a choice even. I am protected without me really knowing it. Given the chance, I would try it. Dumbledore knows that.

The only other place where Dumbledore trusts Harry to be safe is the Weasleys. Enol’s family is the Weasley’s to me. It is a sanctuary and haven for me. And where I eat proper food. And Enol is Ron. Enough said. But of course, I can’t stay there.

Then there is school. For Harry its Hogwarts, for me it’s UiTM. I love being in school. Harry learns magic. My magic is called Art and Design. Which is something I do and love. I may not be the best student but this is where I belong.
And there are friends. Nadiah is Hermione, she helps me with my homework. So is Rozarina, she gets me out of trouble and she’s the one with brilliant ideas. The others from Gryffindor. There’s Muzamir, Shahnim, Sarvi, Maryam, Azhar, Muhammad, Effa and many many more which makes the experience worthwhile. And the lecturers are really great. Dr Kamy. En Ramli, En Omar, En Sharkawi, Mr Ronaldi, Prof Tamyez, Babe……. Fortunately there isn’t a Snape, haha.

I hate it here but I’m safe here. I’ve had attacks from Dementors (org jahat masuk rumah) trying to hurt me but I survived it. This is not a good condition for me but elsewhere it’d be worse.

If Harry has Sirius Black, Pie is my Sirius. She’s the one with the wisdom because she’s out there living it. She faced a lot of evils and challenges before. She’s the strong one with a lot of experience which makes her more mature than me in many ways. Which also makes me a baggage to her somehow? And someday, Harry will lose Sirius. Though I hope that would never happen but things do change. Gee is Lupin.

My point of the story is, although I hate it here, this is the one place that I am safe. Safe from being someone else I could’ve been if I’m not here. I didn’t get it before, now I do. Why am I alone? Ultimately we are all alone in this world. God put me here for a reason. He is protecting me. But one day, I will have to face Voldemort. And I hope by then, I am strong enough to make the right choices.

P/s: if none of this makes sense to you, I suggest you pick up the book and read it. It’s more than just a story, it’s life. Thank you JK Rowling.

2007-04-27T13:29:00.000+08:00

Helpless....

I have to do this

1)I have to figure out how to set up an online resource on Malaysian Art & Design for the Faculty of Art & Design UiTM.

What are the contents?
How and where to get them?
What do I need to know to make one?
Who are the people I need, where can I find them?
Will they be cooperative?
How long?
How much money?

2)I have to set up a business.

Which kind? Tshirt? Stationeries? Boxes? Design firm? Keropok Lekor?
How and where do I get the materials?
How much money?
Who are the people who will want to do this with me?
Will they be good?

Instead, all I really want is to

1)Dance
2)Travel
3)Be Beautiful
4)Snog my hubby
5)Eat , sleep and play

And I’m so so torn up inside because

1)I want to go to heaven
2)I have to make money coz I may have to take care of the 3 children (my niece and nephews) and put them through school and make sure they grow up being humans.
3)I don’t know who I’ll be married to and when and if he will be supportive enough with everything I have to do. Will he be my partner and help me through this? Or he’ll be too busy chasing his own dreams and wanting his own thang? Coz then I have to support himla. This is a long term commitment we’re talking about.
4)I don’t know how to do all this, I really don’t have any idea!!!!
5)Am I supposed to do this all by myself?? I need help!!!! Who will???

2007-04-27T12:55:00.001+08:00

(nymph © 2007 Timothy Lantz)www.stygiandarkness.com/images/art_nymph.jpg

Nymph,
Just thought of you and what we used to share,
Its all in the past now
Now we’ve gone our separate ways
You were a big part of me then
Didn’t know why it all had to end
We were crazy you and me
The paths our minds took
Was an adventure in itself
A journey that went beyond anything
We understood each other
More than anyone else could
I guess that’s why it had to end
Something so beautiful, to last, was never meant
Where else were we to go?
It was never right
Maybe it was me
You knew it all along
That I would come to love you
More that I should have
Thus where are we now?
Of course it’ll never be the same
You and me
If we ever meet again
We would know our smile meant something else
Funny how it was
We would have too much to talk about
There wasn’t enough time
Now we’re like strangers
With awkward smiles
And duck hugs
With nothing to say to each other
You, scared I’ll be that possessive person I was with you
Me, scared that you’re scared of me
If only I could tell you,
I was a kid back then
Thirsty for love
Any kind of love
It didn’t matter
I loved you too much I know
Something so beautiful
It only deserves to die.
You go on now,
Scaling the skies, catching the stars,
You were meant for bigger things,
Be happy with that smile,
that laugh I remember so well,,
I’m happy for you
Just hoping maybe one day
You wont fear me anymore
I now understand things I didn’t back then
Maybe one day we’ll meet each other
And the smile will be the one of yesteryear
With twinkles in the eye and wrinkles at the corner of our mouths
And we’ll talk about things past
It would all be of beautiful things
And maybe we could take that journey again
The one where our minds travel far and wide
But this time, I promise you,
I will never fall in love with you again.

2007-04-27T12:55:00.000+08:00

Put them in boxes. Put everything in boxes.
Clean up. Arrange.
Throw that away.
Move that here.
Move this thing there.
Do you need this? Throw it.
Lets put it here.
Why the hell would you need this?
You don’t need this now, you wont be needing it in the future.
AAAAArgh!!! Get it out! Get it out!
Why did you keep it here?
Please throw all this sampah!
Box it.
Rummage.
Throw.
Susun.
By colour, by size. By species. By priority.
U always use it? Put it somewhere near.
Not always? Put it further.
Have a sumbat box.
Just be convenient for your flow.
No, you don’t need that.
Why is it all mixed up?
See, that’s much better right?
Isn’t it much easier to move now?
So now you now where everything goes.
Aaaah…. Don’t u just love your room?

I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to clean things, arrange things. Put them in order. Even other people’s things. Especially other people’s things. I’ve done it a couple of times, I enjoy it thoroughly and so will the owner of the room/ house. Seriously I could make your space way better to live in. Want me to makeover your space? I’ll do it for a small fee. RM50 if you’re a friend. Below 100 for standard size rooms. Negotiable. Depending on the level of mess. I even do toilets. I get them super clean. U don’t even need to buy anything new! I’ll just use anything you have. I might need transport to get to your place though. I’ve never had an unsatisfied customer before. Only girls, ladies or women with families may apply. I don’t do guys, for safety reasons. Oh, and I’m not a maid, I’m a professional. Let me Pimp Your Room!!

2007-03-18T20:04:00.000+08:00

"You're just a lazy, self-indulgent girl who's driving herself crazy."

"Carmen, please leave me alone.Please."

Just do it, man. just start it. what the hell are u thinking of?
Why are you wasting it all away?
Wake up girl.
Dont do this again. Dont. please dont please dont.
just need to write
then write it. get it out girl.
I want to be okay.
everythings gonna be fine.
i love you.
please dont do this to urself.
I know u're better than this.
We'll get thru this. we will.
pull urself together girl
ur good, u are. please beleve me.
just do the thing okay.
I'm with you.
it will all be okay. everything will be all right. stick it.
pleae get her away from me.
i dont want her anymore.
u can do this. i know u can.
we'll get rid of her. How? she's inside me.
I hate her. I hate her so much.
she's ruining everything. please help me.
only u can help urself. fight her.
I fight her with all my heart, she fights me back even worse.
I have nobody. Pls God help me.
please help me. I dont want to do it anymore.
I want to go away from everything and evryone.
I want to go where no one knows me. I want to start all over. please, please, there's just so much wrong. writing makes me feel better. write on my love, write on. we'll get thru this.

i tried doing the work everywhere with different people in different places. just doesn't cut it.
I came home. I wanted to feel the sense of family again. I'm losing myself.
I think I'm okay now. Time to kick some ass!!!