I don’t want to do this. Any of this.
But I have to see it as an opportunity. To better my self.
To be a better person. Isn’t that what we all should strive for? I know I tell
myself that over and over.
I need to believe it. I need to do this. It is one of many
ways I can learn things that I don’t know, things I’m not comfortable with
(which is a lot), things that challenge me.
I have a habit that I am trying so hard to delete my whole
entire life. When something new happens or comes my way, my instant reaction
would be to reject it. I recoil in horror in doing new and unfamiliar things. I shudder at the thought of having to react immediately to a situation. I
panic. I wish to just remain, complacent, contented in my own little comfort
zone. Inside me, there is turmoil in my emotions just trying to deny and push
away changes. Big and small.
Changes that I should welcome as challenges and opportunities
to move forward in life.
Fear maybe. Lack of self confidence. Always had that
problem, never found out a way to overcome it completely. I just force myself
to face things most of the time and comfort myself in the thought that it will
pass in time. To the point that I convince myself the many many ways of which
the change is bad for me. I come up with so many excuses and reasons to just
simply not go ahead. My whole body and mind just goes into this reverse
overdrive and try to distract my self as much as possible rather than face it
and get it over with.
But I need to try kan? At least try. And I should give it my
best, my all. Because that is what great people do. And I want to be great.
Don’t I?
Aaargh. I want to be that person who welcomes challenges
with a can do attitude. I want to naturally be able to view challenges as
opportunities and make the best of situations. I want to embrace change and
improve. I want to unleash my utmost potential.
I do not want to be that person who lived to regret their
past choices. Choices of not doing something and thinking I would have been
great at it had I tried. I don’t want to have that lingering thought of what I
could’ve done, what I could have been.
I’m going to become a mother soon. An idea that freaked me
out at one point. But I’m 6 months in and I have never felt greater, happier,
powerful, beautiful. And now I’m using my baby as an excuse. Or am I?
New things are happening, change is imminent. At work and
outside. I am given bigger responsibilities that are outside of my normal work
scope which just involves teaching classes. I am full on rejecting these
‘changes’ at work and outside with the excuse of “I just want to be a mother”.
I want to stay home and take care of my family. I’m too tired. This is too much
extra unnecessary stress. Family is priority. I’m happy the way things are.
On one hand I want to live a full life embracing
extraordinary experiences. Constantly learning and improving. But this requires
facing new challenges and trying new things which most are scary and making
difficult choices I don’t think I can or want to.
On the other, I am happy the way things are now. I’m
comfortable. I’m not unnecessarily stressed and life is easy. I just want to
take things easy, one slow step at a time. Enjoying the process, the journey.
Time is moving Irina. And you are not the only one.
3 comments:
i've always had a hard time embracing change. but things and life still changes anyway. sometimes i just stay in denial..most of the time i just go with the flow and not seizing the day..not taking the chances that is thrown at me to its fullest potential.
point is..change is not easy..to anybody. and because it is inevitable..we adapt insya allah.
i'm saying this to you as i am saying it to myself..have more faith in yourself. you are stronger than you think you are.
take care babe! xoxo
good luck on the baby!
From what I've seen so far, you're a great mom! I have a feeling you and Izham (+ Audrey + future kids) are gonna be just fine :)
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