Sunday, April 24, 2011

New friends, Old friends, Lost friends.

Sad happenings usually inspire me to write. Its a form of therapy for me.

I've been feeling a growing distant feeling with a friend of mine. It was just a series of things happening over a period of time. I sense that we were growing apart. I remember that feeling well because I lost a best friend once, we're like complete strangers now, like we were never friends even. I try not to think of it, but I sometimes remember and it still hurts quite a bit more than I want it to.

Things change when I got married, as things usually do. I didn't get to hang out with my friends as often and as freely as before. My husband is understanding and he does let me go out with my friends, but sometimes time does not permit or you're just too tired or lazy. If you want to keep your friends, it takes a bit of an effort to constantly stay in touch even with facebook. Especially if your friends are still single and you married.

But sometimes it is not just that. Sometimes it is a totally different thing altogether.

There are some friends that no matter how long you were separated, yet when you meet, it's like you never left. No matter how many stories that you don't know that person has gone through, you still greet them as you always have, and they, you. And no matter whatever changes that the person makes, you still see them as you were when you first got to know them. To you, they never change, they're still the same person. These friends tend to have lasting friendships, they're friends until your old age. Because in their eyes you will always be you. And because of that, these relationships tend to be very forgiving. Lets call this group of friends Group A.

There are some friends who, at one point of your life, you become completely revolved around each others lives that you cannot imagine not ever being friends with them. But time and experience changes people. It changes your perception of things. So what once held you together stronger than superglue, get detached. Then you start to realize that you don't agree much anymore or that you get upset more and more at the conversations you have. It doesn't make you as happy as much as before, you just seem to get pissed after that phone call, you feel hurt after reading that facebook comment, you feel down when they don't reply your posting or whatever little thing that seems to bug you more often than before. The slight feeling of uneasiness does not disappear easily, it lingers and grows, and every time you meet them, it gets worse. You feel like they have changed and your encounters seem to give an air of awkwardness. You find that that you have less things to talk about, because you tip toe around topics because you feel afraid you might be judged, which might as well, you are not actually really talking at all. This group of friends, I'll call them Group B.

Then there are people whom are total strangers yet the first time you meet them, you feel like you've known them all your life. Usually accidentally, these people enter your lives in such a short amount of time, but it doesn't seem to matter that you don't know this person at all, yet you enjoy their company and you want to spend more time with them. Group C.

I get wary sometimes because I don't really make friends easily, I'm quite guarded. And because of past experiences, I am afraid of letting people in so fast and feel attached to them in some way, because I keep foreseeing that it will all end soon, and I will get hurt. I guess its an automated protective response from me to keep me from getting hurt. You see, I am a person of extremes, sort of. I'm either all in or not at all. If I'm a friend, I am your bff for life, I give my all or I don't even bother. I don't do middle range. Call it clingy, smothering, whatever... I am what I am. Even in love, I don't hold back, I love unconditionally. The down part of this is, you get hurt real bad and it leaves a permanent scar. It couldn't be fixed. So if  any of my relationship goes in that direction.... I am never able to be okay with them, ever again.

I am thankful for my Group A friends. I am glad I have Group C friends.
But I sometimes wish I don't have friends from the B Group, because it hurts. Losing a friend is like having part of your life ripped out of your chest. I don't like that feeling.

We need all kinds of friends. It makes our lives richer. But take them for what they are and don't let it hinder you from living your life fully. In the end, we are all alone anyway.


Aquarian said...

I can understand what you're feeling because I'd been in the same situation before. But good things do come out from a situation like this, you just have to wait.

Sneha said...

So true and very well expressed.