Ever since I got married, I have never faced any major problem or issues other than the usual ups and down of relationships. So forgive me when I choose to write about an issue of mine that has no affect whatsoever on the political climate of the world or environmental concerns or anything to do with hunger, poverty or war.
A very petty issue it is, self-centered and selfish, yes, but an issue. still it is, to me.
I feel fat and ugly.
There, I said it. I am so ashamed to admit it, but yeah, I have vanity issues. In fact, it was probably one of the reasons I disappeared from facebook for a while. As the name says "FACE book", and I do not have a FACE in which I could FACE the world, even in a virtual one.
I gained a lot of weight drastically after marriage, 20 kilos to be exact in the span of 1 year and a half. The Wii-Fit game on my sister's Nintendo Wii told me I was obese and that my health is that of a 45 year old woman. I was advised by 3 doctors to lose the weight if I want to conceive a child.
I can hardly fit into my clothes and dressing to go to work is a psychological struggle I go through every day. Accompany that with the frequent questions of whether I am expecting a baby when I'm just fat and the fact that every where I go I am approached by these slimming companies to subscribe to their RM10 600 for 30 days programme, it really makes my day - excruciatingly painful .
In between my mum telling me the ugly truth that I can't wear heels because I keep falling down and spraining my ankle because my small feet cannot bear the brunt of my weight and being surrounded by young beautiful people everywhere around me, I try to keep it cool with self deprecating jokes when inside, I actually want to take a knife and slice all my fat away.
I know they say that beauty comes from within and is not just skin deep and my husband tells me I am the most beautiful woman all the time. I know I am so blessed and lucky in life. But every time I see a picture of me being tagged and I remember how I look like just 2 years ago, it is hard to keep telling myself – yes, I AM beautiful.
There are some people, normal people that I see and I would like to be like them. There are 3 of them to be exact, I would like to name them but I can’t. They seem to have this ethereal quality, which makes them very likable, approachable. I talked about this with my best friend and my husband. The discussion with my best friend yielded a result that our problem was being too blunt and expressive with our feelings towards others, more so when the feeling is that of dislike or loathsome even. That trait that we both have causes us to be, well, disliked, unapproachable and sometimes even feared. So we thought that maybe we have to be slightly ‘hypocritical’ or in nicer words ‘cordial’ to people or situations that make us go “blagh- tughh!”
My husband’s observation on these 3 individuals show that they are incapable of having a ‘masam’, sulky face. The ‘face’ that people feel like they want to smack, haha, so says my sister. Those 3 people I like, they look like they are constantly smiling and even their normal face is – normal looking. I smile, but my normal, expressionless face is actually sulking to others who are looking at me. My husband calls it the “Go away, don’t you dare mess with me or I will kill you” look. My family actually attests that I have this ‘face’. I actually don’t even realize I do that, I thought I was just having a vacant expressionless look.
I am trying to eat less and move more. I remind myself to smile as often as I can remember. I am buying new clothes (maternity ones are so comfortable) and wearing flats. I am trying not to get depressed looking at my own photos and reflection. I am trying to deal with this as best I can; even writing about it helps me purge my system from the negativity. I am trying to overcome this problem, in my brain, in my heart and in my body, so help me God. If I want to be beautiful, I need to just BE beautiful. That’s a start, I hope.